Exit Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 So I'm still in limited contact with me ex. Don't crucify me, I know the risks, I know what this is potentially doing to me. Don't worry, I think I'm on the path to letting her go. But I wanted to make an example of myself for all of you convinced that what you truly feel is love - love - love. I'm noticing within myself during the course of this rollercoaster: -when she says it's over for good, when it ends with an ugly argument, I feel terrible. I can't sleep. I wake up the next day in a panic. I try to go NC and it kills me. I want her so badly -when things are going good, when I spend a little time with her and get her to laugh and smile and we agree to talk later, instead of feeling like "she'll be back, I know it", I find myself getting more comfortable with being able to let her go. It won't be hard not to text her for a few days. And I'll survive if I never get to love her again. Why does this happen? It's all about the ego, and control. Nobody likes being flat-out abandoned, with zero input and zero control, someone dumps you on the side of the road and makes it clear that they can envision a perfectly happy future without you in it, and leaves you in the dust. Suddenly this becomes the greatest person in the world, you must have them back. But when I see that she still has feelings for me, when I can tell that it would be just as hard for her as it will be for me to not have contact for a very long period of time, and when I myself can decide that I won't text her for a few days instead of being told to leave her alone, suddenly it all becomes easier. The ego wants what it can't have, like a spoiled child. And once you get that shiny toy for christmas that you couldn't live without, you end up playing with the box instead. Many of you are not in the situation that I am in. Many of you are already engaged in NC and knowing that you have to move on. But even so, try to realize that you have some control in what is happening, don't give in to those feelings of complete abandonment. Realize yes this person who left you made you happy, but you can take control back and wake up tomorrow and find a way to make yourself happy. Your ego lies, so many of us think we lost the love of our lives. I think the opposite, I think many of us just want the satisfaction and the ego massage of hearing the person say they want to come back, or that they miss you, and even if we got back together with our exes maybe we would just play with them for a week before returning the favor and dumping them. It takes a lot of digging and soul searching to get to the truth of the matter. You really have to ask yourself if you are madly in love, or if your ego is making you think so. Because it's funny, to get a little bit of attention from the person you think you love, suddenly it's like "yeah I could let that go". Just an observation. Maybe I'm the lone psychopath here, or maybe some of you will identify.
smudge21 Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I really liked your post, and I totally agree with you. Whenever I would be talking to or even basically getting a text from the ex, it would lift my spirits and I'd feel okay about it all ending. Probably because deep down I think it's not - so I'm fooling myself. Opposite side of that, whenever we wouldn't talk I'd want her more. Take right now - I had a friend request from her after 2 months. That boosted my ego, made me feel good once again. I responded after a few days reminding her of why I'd said goodbye and that I couldn't add her as a friend. Now I feel down again. Just one basic bit of contact and my ego is saying "she wants you, clearly is still thinking about you" and I'm in a good place, even though in reality nothing has changed. It's just all so annoying at times.. Hope your situation works out for you. I know how hard being in LC can be. I tried that and would feel great for a while, but then would hear about her and it would hurt me all over again. NC was the only option, but even that hurt so much. Like the whole ego thing, being LC is easy cos they're still around and not totally gone - in a way, it's like convincing yourself there's still a chance. NC and you actually miss them and want them more, that's why it's so hard for so many of us. We're hit with the reality of "it's all over" and it's so difficult to accept. Good luck.
Sugarkane Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 I get what you're saying too. Although I don't want my ex back, I did want the ego boost of having him admit that he was wrong and missed me etc. I also wnated the satisfaction of taking him back for a week and then dumping him equally as cruelly and telling him where to shove it [just like he did to me]. Seeing as he dumped me in an unforgiveable way, I would get satisfaction leaving him in some sort of pain.
Fedor Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 I agree with your post. When you get so used to hearing that someone loves you and wants to be with you forever, you get complacent thinking they'll never leave you. Hearing that my ex didnt want to be with me not only hurt but I then realized it bruised my ego because she was always so intense about our relationship. I couldnt understand how she could live without me after all this time. My ego is not taking that very well right now. lol
Karala Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 ... It takes a lot of digging and soul searching to get to the truth of the matter. You really have to ask yourself if you are madly in love, or if your ego is making you think so. Because it's funny, to get a little bit of attention from the person you think you love, suddenly it's like "yeah I could let that go". Just an observation. Maybe I'm the lone psychopath here, or maybe some of you will identify. So true! I do identify... Sad but true, we're just human I guess... Your analysis is the reason why I feel better now that my ex told me he still loves me and he's hurting too... I know in my case, there is the ego thing of wanting him even more because he rejected me, but I know there is true love also and genuinely wanting to be with him, for real, not just because I know it can't happen. "False love" (ego, wanting what I can't have etc.) and true love co-exist for me. Pride and ego aren't the most glorious things in the world, but they also can help us now. I for one know I am determined to become such a better person, and when my ex hears from me again in a few months or a couple of years and about all the progress I have made and that I didn't crumble down without him, I know it will sting him some. It took him months to make that decision to end things with me, and although he has made the decision now, I know he went back and forth in his mind and had second thoughts which he had to rationalize. And that was when he knew that I was ready to do anything to be with him. Now that I've decided to cut him out of my life completely and move on, and he knows that, I know he's bound to be second guessing things in his head - probably not enough to ask me to take him back, but enough to make him feel some level of regret. Call me petty, but this idea is helping me hang on and stay motivated to break through from the pain I'm feeling now, to a new life greater than I ever had.
TearyEyedPride Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 LOL. You're soooo telling the truth. *shrugs* I really don't know what's wrong with this thing called love... but hey... at least we're in it, or out of it I should say... together.
ItsRainingAgain Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 It takes a lot of digging and soul searching to get to the truth of the matter. You really have to ask yourself if you are madly in love, or if your ego is making you think so. Because it's funny, to get a little bit of attention from the person you think you love, suddenly it's like "yeah I could let that go". I wish I could get a little attention from my (ex) boyfriend...so then I would know if it was love or is it just my ego. There would be closure then also. I don't think I will eer know.
Chi townD Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Not sure if I agree with this entirely. Come talk to us after you find out she's been hooking up with someone and tell me which hurts worse, your ego or your heart.
Mack05 Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Agree 100% Exit great post. I really miss my ex, but I am sure if she came back right now, that 2 weeks later I would return the favour and probably dump her. If we look deep within ourselves (as I have done the last 3 months) you realise the ego plays a huge part. If I was lucky enough to meet a great girl, I would have moved on ages ago from my ex. We miss our ex's because we feel emtpy without them (especially since they rejected us), not necessarily because they are the love of our lives. I know for a fact my ex was never going to be the love of my life. I just kidded myself that she was because I wanted to take a short cut to happiness. After the breakup, I needed to deal with my feelings/emotions/demons first, then find a way to by happy without her. This is a VERY hard process. Lots of ups and downs (loads of differing emotions, one day I forgive my ex, the next day I'm angry again thinking of breaking NC etc etc). I'm still not quite there yet, more work to be done (no point in rushing things, kidding myself. I will leave that kind of behaviour to my ex)..But it's a process I am thrilled I am going through, because I now know myself and in the future, I will know exactly when it feels right with a girl. I will never have to convince myself to stay in a relationship (accepting 2nd best) because I am relying on someone else to make me happy. When you know you are happy within yourself, rejection is A LOT easier to take. There is nothing more you can do. It's when our self esteem is low that the ego takes an even bigger hit. My self esteem was never lower when my ex cruelly dumped me. Listen, I wasn't the perfect boyfriend and I had personal problems, but she treated my appallingly bad at the end with no regret for her actions or any regard for my feelings. I didn't deserve it, especially as I did a lot of nice things for her. The whole ordeal made forced me to take a LONG HARD look at myself and finds ways of improving me as a person and as a man. I have hit the gym, lost weight, read books and educated myself, been a better more caring friend/son/brother. I'm even kinder to strangers in need. I went on a date recently with a very attractive sweet girl. She wasn't really keen and she never got back to me afterwards. 3 months ago I would have been crushed, but not now. I am happy within myself again and just because she didn't like me, doesn't mean there isn't anybody else out there for me. Positive outlooks go a long way. I refuse to lay down and accept defeat. None of us should. Get ourselves happy and the rest takes care if itself. Once we are happy within ourselves, those ego blows are a lot easier to take :-)
Mack05 Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Not sure if I agree with this entirely. Come talk to us after you find out she's been hooking up with someone and tell me which hurts worse, your ego or your heart. I guess everybody's situation is different Chitown..I do see the point of Exit's post though
Chi townD Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I understand where the OP is coming from, I really do. But when in comes to matters of the heart and a bruised ego, in my opinion, it's a very gray area. Both can hurt almost equally.
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