If breaking up after being cheated on is the right thing to do, why is it so hard?

[Sophie27]

My boyfriend of 2.5 years and I have had a good relationship, but we've been caught up in a vicious cycle-me feeling insecure and questioning his fidelity and him having a quick temper and feeling disrespected by my accusations. Despite these problems, which really didn't come up to often, I loved my time with him and he has so many qualities that I wanted in a husband. We were talking about getting engaged, moving in together, and what it would be like to create a family. After a great weekend together, I recieved a text from a friend that he had been out to dinner with another woman the previous week. When I questioned him about it, he blew up; I apologized for accusing, but he refused to speak to me. Later that night, when I went to his apartment to try and talk it out, I found him with another woman naked in his bed. I was devastated.

 

I've told him it's over and am trying to be strong but I love him so much. He claims he wasn't going to sleep with her and that it didn't get that far. That he was angry at me for always accusing him and he wanted to get back at me, but that he never intended it to get to that point. That before I walked in, he had told the woman that he couldn't do it, because he had a girlfriend and he loved her. The rational part of me knows that this can't be completely true, but I'm just a mess right now. He claims he thinks we can work it out, becuase he loves me so much, but he let his temper get the best of him. i told him i understand that this is not all his fault, but i just wish he'd leave me alone. The more he contacts me, it breaks my resolve and makes me ache for what we had. if leaving him is the right decision, why does it hurt so much and will it ever get better?

[neverendingdrama]

Run , no contact and make yourself a priority ! He's a lying cheater , getting caught .

 

 

It seems that the truth "has" some how lost its appeal. So often "we are" attracted to what feels and seems right.

Some wait for truth to surface to find out what really happened, how it happened, time, dates and what the real issues are.

 

 

Know your worth if that person is everything that has been wrong in your life.

 

 

"Self-worth comes from one thing - thinking that {you are} worthy"

 

 

Ponder the meaning of self-worth until you understand it's truths.

Move forward, not backward.

Truth is where it lies.

 

 

The minute you negotiate your self worth and accept less, you say to the universe that you don't deserve any better, and the vicious cycle/pattern begins again. Keep the change. New potential healthier love interests are great mirror

reflections that help you grow. Don't change out of the wrong reasons to appease someone or in hopes that they may have changed. The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself.

 

 

 

Let not the power be handed back over to, again, another disappointment and regret......... know your worth.

[Exit]

I can understand if you love this guy it would be very tempting to believe all of the things he said, that he just told this woman that he couldn't go through with it because he has a girlfriend that he loves. I know part of you must want to believe that. Even if it were the truth, he didn't love his girlfriend enough to stop earlier on, to stop from even inviting someone into his bed, or to stop him or the other woman from removing their clothing.

 

Jealousy is not a pretty thing, and constant accusations can become quite frustrating. It's the law of attraction, you fear something so much, but your behaviors that are rooted in your fears end up pushing the person to do exactly what scares you -- sleep with someone else.

 

BUT, if he was sick of the accusations and really loved you, his reaction wouldn't be to actually follow through with it to teach you a lesson. A real man would sit you down and tell you that you're silly for doubting him, that he loves you and nobody else, and that you need to chill out with the accusations because they are causing a rift between the two of you. His way is kind of silly. "I'll prove to you that I'm no stinkin' cheater, by cheating!"

 

I know how you feel though. My ex and I have not been "together" for a while, but we were still trying to figure everything out, and the only remaining promise that we had between each other was that we would remain loyal until we absolutely decided if we were going to try again or let it go for now. That agreement was still in place, and I was still honoring it, when she finally did end up sleeping with someone else. And like you yourself are asking... why is it not easy to leave someone after they have done the worst possible thing? Why do I not feel free of all responsibility and blame in this situation, when I know that I truly waited for her and she broke her promise? I guess it's because we really love these people and want to believe that people can make even the most disrespectful of mistakes, but maybe that goes beyond "love", and maybe its more like Neverendingdrama posted, maybe we have issues with self worth to not have a fairly easy time walking away from people who gave their bodies to someone else.

 

I can't tell you what to do. I still have feelings for my ex despite what she did. Perhaps I am a fool and you should aspire not to be in the same boat as me.

 

So you told him it's over, but he has still been trying to make contact with you? I suppose that's the slightest bit of a good sign. Some might say this is not true feelings for you but just "cheater's remorse". He realizes he got busted and is trying to act sorry. You can look at it this way... if you hadn't walked in on him that night, would he have stopped? Would he have told you about what happened because he felt so guilty? Or would he have gone all the way, never told you, and disrespected you? But there is the slight chance that this could be true remorse from him. None of us know how far you really pushed with the "constant" accusations. If you drove the dude crazy and had an uncontrollable jealousy issue, maybe he truly did get fed up and made a bad decision.

 

The ball is in your court now, despite the fact that you feel like a victim as well. You do have the upper hand and you are in control of what happens from here, so try to feel some security in that at least. You have no reason to hurry, and you have no reason to let his contacting "persuade" you to do anything. If he is truly remorseful and truly loves you, he will be just as sorry in a week or a month as he is right now. I would definitely not put too much value into the immediately apologies that start flying out of desperation. Tell him if he really loves you and is really sorry, that the greatest gift he can give you is to leave you alone and think about what he did. And that if you ever come to the unlikely conclusion that he is worth talking to again, that he needs to leave that decision up to you, and if you are ever going to have contact again, it will be on your time table, not on his. If he is truly filled with remorse, he will have no choice but to honor your wishes. If he is still just selfishly looking out for himself, he will continue to contact and show that he just has his best interests in mind. You don't want to find yourself questioning your decision because of someone else's pestering. If you ever realize you still think he's worth talking to, that needs to come from you and you alone, after a period of time and space and silence.

 

This is just my two cents and how I would handle it. I'm sure some will chime in and say that what I am offering is way too soft, and you should just be done with this guy, and block him to stop his contact instead of trying to reason with him.

 

To answer your ultimate question, yes, it will get easier. With time and space, you will come to either feel more confident in your decision, or you will reexamine things.

 

Right now he owes it to you to be left alone and to come to your own conclusions.

[Sophie27]

Run , no contact and make yourself a priority ! He's a lying cheater , getting caught .

 

Thanks for your reply. I understand what you're saying about self-worth. It's funny but at this point I don't feel angry that he did it. Just more sad that it feels like our relationship has come to a point where I feel like I have to end it. I just wish it never happened and am pretty confused about the whole thing..

[Sophie27]

Exit, Thanks for your reply. It really helped.

 

I'm sorry you're going through a similar situation. How dissapointing that your ex couldn't remain faithful during your time apart and honor the agreement you both had made. I definitely don't think you're a fool for still having feelings for her. And if you are, then that makes two of us. That word "fool" has been on my mind constantly-is it really foolish to trust someone and give someone a second chance? Or is that leap of faith just weakness and blindness to a bigger problem or character flaw?

 

I think your advice to ask for time is sound. I hope I can stick to it, because despite how I feel about what he did, the thought of losing him for good gives me a sinking feeling.

 

Good luck with your ex. I hope it works out for the best

[SincereOnlineGuy]

If breaking up after being cheated on is the right thing to do, why is it so hard?

 

My boyfriend of 2.5 years and I have had a good relationship, but we've been caught up in a vicious cycle-me feeling insecure and questioning his fidelity and him having a quick temper and feeling disrespected by my accusations. Despite these problems, which really didn't come up to often, I loved my time with him and he has so many qualities that I wanted in a husband. We were talking about getting engaged, moving in together, and what it would be like to create a family. After a great weekend together, I recieved a text from a friend that he had been out to dinner with another woman the previous week. When I questioned him about it, he blew up; I apologized for accusing, but he refused to speak to me. Later that night, when I went to his apartment to try and talk it out, I found him with another woman naked in his bed. I was devastated.

 

I've told him it's over and am trying to be strong but I love him so much. He claims he wasn't going to sleep with her and that it didn't get that far. That he was angry at me for always accusing him and he wanted to get back at me, but that he never intended it to get to that point. That before I walked in, he had told the woman that he couldn't do it, because he had a girlfriend and he loved her. The rational part of me knows that this can't be completely true, but I'm just a mess right now. He claims he thinks we can work it out, becuase he loves me so much, but he let his temper get the best of him. i told him i understand that this is not all his fault, but i just wish he'd leave me alone. The more he contacts me, it breaks my resolve and makes me ache for what we had. if leaving him is the right decision, why does it hurt so much and will it ever get better?

 

 

This whole thing parallels questioning whether Bill Clinton would have been guilty of wrongdoing had his (DNA) not been found on Monica's dress.

 

A woman was naked in his bed - once you're there, you're out !!!

 

 

And in answer to your first question up there:

 

It is so difficult because the logic is cut and dried: You learn of somebody having cheated on you - you leave at once!!! If not for yourself, then on behalf of everyone else in this society.

 

...while it simultaneously makes perfect sense that you should recognize and value your own emotional investment in that random person. You did nothing wrong by (letting a random-and-then-significant person into your heart and soul... making him important to you... caring about his life and his day).

 

So while you are adhering to common sense in getting rid of the cheater, you are simultaneously supposed to continue to show plenty of regard for yourself. You're supposed to understand that you went through the right motions in making yourself vulnerable... while figuring out that the flaw was all his, and that you will do what you can to repeat that same effort in making yourself vulnerable next time to a man who really IS worth what you have to share.

[sinnister]

Brilliant question, brilliant logic, brilliant answers. Never know until the situation occurs..no matter how macho you talk r try to think...you'll have that one person, whether intentionally or otherwise, test that taboo boundary. Now there's a whole movement to even remove that boundary with friends telling me that true monogamy is extinct really. I mean with so much television bombarding us with the excitement of infidelity (pretty much so some hotshot from H/wood can steal your chick for a night in shiny car n being a dick, lol..it's just a fling)...it definitely creates more intrigue and butterflies than having unconditional love and fidelity (I'd rather have a secure place to put my vulnerability/morality..but I could simply be naive). I, like a few, have had that decision thrown into my face...n buckled..although I look like a student athlete...could literally get who I want if my mind wasn't in the stupid way it's all gone down..just don't want to have to learn another person yet, still feel kinda abused..and still would bring this cheater back into my life and "put a ring on it". It's just a lowered standard....the question is will we play and who's lowering it? If you want the best n best looking...do you have to dance when they want n to their tune?

 

It's just sad we actually have to have places like LS..about this...sad b/c our mental talents could probably used in so many places...and our exes know that. They watch us go out and try to succeed...they try with us as partners, even simply emotionally. Then it's like you going off to fight for something and that person just stabs you in the back...never satisfied..in "a rut" (this is usually self-inflicted and a passing phase that a nitpicker makes into some random crisis)...the spark left..just don't love you "as much" anymore or so soon after this fight. It's just not enough..but this pain cant be the vacation we've earned for our loyalty. I think this all has to be in play when thinking about how to handle a cheater...it's obvious it's not some one-off..most of the time it's deliberate and elaborate..with the dance started well in advance, with very little concern/respect for you. u

Edited June 5, 2011 by sinnister