co-parenting

[DNR]

Hi

I haven't posted in a while and i'm not sure if this is the right area. Any ideas would be great and i hope I don't bore you.

 

So my bf and i have been together officially for about 1 1/2 years. We've known each other longer. He went through a divorce with kids and i was there to support him. In fact i support him in everything he does. Except this....I'l cut to the chase. His ex accused him of domestic violence (not true) and for this he was court ordered to be in an anger management class and take a co-parenting class. I've read the book that came with the co-parenting class and it basicaly states everybody needs to get along for the sake of the kids. Fine, I get it. But when is it crossing the line? He loves his kids and would do anything for them. And i mean anything. The kids know they are divorced and they know he has a gf.

 

For his birthday his son asked if his mom could go hunting with them and he allowed it. I was, of course, LIVID..He said it was because his son was so excited about her going he couldn't tell him no.

 

The next incident happened at a music program where i asked him if he wanted me to save him a seat and he said no because he was going to sit with baby momma. I did tell him how i felt about that, that i felt like he didn't care for my feelings and didn't care about what people would say, and that it felt like a slap in the face but he said it was because of the co-parenting class he had just gone to. he learned something and wanted to prove it. He said that the class talked about how much easier it would be for the kids to see you together during a performance instead of having to search for both of them It's easier if parents are together. OK. I get it. Show the kids you can get along, but he didn't have to sit with her. he could have sat in the general area with me and let kids know where he was and where she was. He said I wouldn't understand, doesn't expect me to understand but that he needs me to accept it.

 

the next incident, happened for his daughters birthday.. He went to their house and had dinner for her birthday. I'm Ok with that. It didn't bother me too much.

 

Now the big one. I asked him what time he would be home for dinner and he said after his sons baseball game. I asked him what time so i could have dinner ready for him. He said about 6ish. Well, 6 came and went, 8 came and went. He never showed up and he never called me to tell me he wasn't coming. He stayed at her house last night because his son was having a hard time yesterday. I told him his kids were going to have a lot of hard times.

 

He's confided in me that his son has told him on several occasions that he's mad that his mom and dad aren't together and that it hurts him to see me and him (dad) together. He doesn't think that him giving in to his sons requests makes it harder for his son/kids. I think it makes things harder. I told him that what i see is his son wanting mom and dad together and he's going to do what he needs to so they are together. Even if it means having a 'bad' day.

 

Am i being unreasonable? Is there something wrong with me? Is this part of co-parenting?

 

Thanks everyone..

[fltc]

Tell him how much it bothers you but be prepared, his children's happiness means more to him that you do and, like it or not, that's the way it is and that's the way it's going to be!

 

Let him know hurts and ask him if he has any ideas on how to fix the problem.

 

You might also try to make friends with his kids, tell them you'll never be their mother and you're not trying to replace her but you love their father and you want him AND them in your life.

[Mauschen]

No, you are not being unreasonable.

 

I have 2 children, and I would NEVER do those things to my current husband. I love my kids more than anything, but I would not sit next to my ex at a performance, spend the night at his house, or go hunting (or anything else) with him. Even if we actually got along, I feel that doing those things would be disrespectful to my current husband.

 

As for the kids' emotional well-being - parents can cooperate to make their lives easier - like not talk badly about the other parent, encourage the children to make cards for and spend time with the other parent, etc. It crosses the line when the children begin to manipulate the situation in an attempt to get mom and dad back together (which is what most children from divorced families want). Children want BOTH of their parents and they don't understand the inner workings of adult life. My son once told me that he hoped his dad and I would be together again. It never occurred to him that then he would loose his stepdad and his stepmom (both people he loves). In his imagination, the 4 of us could all live together and be a big happy family. I've explained to him that this is not possible, but that we all love him very much.

 

Your boyfriend is being disrespectful to you by spending time at his ex-wife's house and by sitting by her instead of you at the performance. He may justify it that he is doing it for his kids, and there may be nothing you can do about it. He might think that he is doing the "right thing" and not understand why it upsets you. I doubt he'd be okay with it if you started hanging out with your ex-boyfriends regularly.

[Owl]

DNR...I'm doing some "assuming" here based on previous posts that you've made here over the years.

 

You'd mentioned in some of those other posts that you had a concern when he was staying over at her house before....so this isn't the first time that he's done this, nor is it the first time that it was an issue for you.

 

I think that you've got every reason in the world to be concerned here, given the back history and what you've described of the sitution now.

 

I know you probably won't like this idea...but have you considered looking at his cell phone usage and bills to see if there's more going on here than he's been telling you?

[DNR]

At fltc: I have explained to him that it hurts and how i feel. I also know that i will never rate as high as his kids do and I don't expect him to choose. I would never do that. I've been there, done that, with my father who chose his wife(step-mother) over me. His kids and I get along fairly well. In fact i was kind of surprised when he told me about what his son had said. i thought he was ok with us being together. we aren't intimate around the kids, the most we do is hold hands. the kids seem happy around me and they ask to come over quite frequently. You had a good idea about talking with them. I actually hadn't thought about that and they would even think I was trying to replace their mom. i will talk to them.

 

At Mauschen: I agree that he is being disrespectful and i wonder if he really takes my feelings into consideration, i wonder if he thinks about how it would make me feel. I don't think so. I've told him how it makes me feel and given my opinion and he's said his opinion also. I don't think wither one of us is going to change that. I can't imagine that he actually thinks it's ok???????? I haven't spoken to him since yesterday morning. As for me hanging out with my ex's he has said he doesn't have a problem with that. He's not the jealous type and that i know for sure. So since he doesn't question me about what i do, who i'm with, etc, he thinks I shouldn't question him.

 

At Owl: you are right when you say he has done this before, only once, we talked about it and he told me it wouldn't happen again. This was in late 09. At that time I really felt i couldn't say anythign to him about it because he was still technically married, just separated and i didn't want to over step my boundaries. But like I said we did talk. I have looked at his texts and numbers that he calls and who calls him. There are only texts from the ex, she's always and constantly texting him and they are all just mean, nasty and hateful. As for the the numbers they all look familiar to me so i'm not too concerned about that now. But i also know it doesn't mean he's not deleting them.

 

DNR