wrongedwife Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 I think I want a divorce see http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t280241/ for my story. How do I bring it up with him?
ShatteredReality Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 You tell him "I thought we could pull through this. It hurts too much. I have changed my mind. I want a divorce." Then, if you have a spare room tell him you need for him to move into it, or if you have friends or family one of you can go stay with, do that. Either way...there is no easy way to bring it up, and there will not be a "right time" either. You will talk yourself out of doing it 1000 times until you finally just say the words.
carhill Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 My exW and I had a calm talk at what would become her new house, after we got all our stuff moved in. I started the conversation. 'Well, we've been going to MC for over a year now. Do you feel you can give me what I need from a marriage?' 'No, I can't' 'Well I guess we better file for divorce then' 'I agree' Hint: The 'need' wasn't sex. IMO, MC helped this process in a way that would never have happened without it. Best money I ever spent.
Author wrongedwife Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 Wish we had a spare room! But in a studio apartment. Thanks for the advice. I just sat down and worked out my finances, seems I am not as bad off as I thought I would be, so that kinds helps, I know I don't need him to help pay my bills. Will be tough, but I can go it alone financially. Which is one less thing that might make me want to stay. I am afraid he will get angry, or try to pull me back in. Or I won't be able to go through with it even though I think it is the right thing. My heart tells me to stay, but my brain and body are telling me he needs to go.
Steen719 Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Wish we had a spare room! But in a studio apartment. Thanks for the advice. I just sat down and worked out my finances, seems I am not as bad off as I thought I would be, so that kinds helps, I know I don't need him to help pay my bills. Will be tough, but I can go it alone financially. Which is one less thing that might make me want to stay. I am afraid he will get angry, or try to pull me back in. Or I won't be able to go through with it even though I think it is the right thing. My heart tells me to stay, but my brain and body are telling me he needs to go. At the very least, you should separate from him to 1. gain some peace 2. be safe 3. gain some clarity about the situation 4. be able to rely on some friends and family to talk to If you and your husband separate and it works out, that is one thing. If you get out of the situation and you can look at it more dispassionately, you may see what others see about the situation. That is this; that although we all have our faults, you did not make your husband cheat on you and you did not make him lie to you about everything he is doing. Gaining perspective will help you, so give yourself an opportunity to do so. I really believe that you will feel better. Take care of yourself.
John Michael Kane Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I think I want a divorce see http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t280241/ for my story. How do I bring it up with him? You don't even need to tell him. Just file, consult with your lawyer and get going with your life. Don't let his anger intimidate you. He put you through all of this crap and threatened to physically hurt you. He's showing the type of person he will be if you stay with him, and you'll only be miserable being with him. This man is not worth it. File and confide in your loved ones so they can help support you. You can do it.
ShatteredReality Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Wish we had a spare room! But in a studio apartment. Thanks for the advice. I just sat down and worked out my finances, seems I am not as bad off as I thought I would be, so that kinds helps, I know I don't need him to help pay my bills. Will be tough, but I can go it alone financially. Which is one less thing that might make me want to stay. I am afraid he will get angry, or try to pull me back in. Or I won't be able to go through with it even though I think it is the right thing. My heart tells me to stay, but my brain and body are telling me he needs to go. I remember your last post on the other thread. Use that. Tell him that he needs the time and the space to sort through his feelings and that you can use the time to heal from the heartache as well. Tell him that you want to try some time apart and that you feel you can support yourself - that he doesn't even need to help you. Then decide if you're staying in the apt or if he is...one of you will need to leave. I know the Disney credo and the advice of all the romantic films out there today...but I will tell you this - DO NOT follow your heart. It doesn't think about tomorrow. It doesn't consider the "long run" and it doesn't protect itself from further damage. It wants instant gratification....that includes staying with someone you are not "safe" with. By safe I mean physically but more than that I mean emotionally. If you feel you need this time and space from him then you have to find a way to make it happen...if you don't have a place to go then he needs to go somewhere...find a way to make it reasonable to him...there may be a lot of things that you don't know about him (things he's done, lies he's told, etc) but you KNOW him...find a way to reason with him.
John Michael Kane Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I remember your last post on the other thread. Use that. Tell him that he needs the time and the space to sort through his feelings and that you can use the time to heal from the heartache as well. Tell him that you want to try some time apart and that you feel you can support yourself - that he doesn't even need to help you. Then decide if you're staying in the apt or if he is...one of you will need to leave. I know the Disney credo and the advice of all the romantic films out there today...but I will tell you this - DO NOT follow your heart. It doesn't think about tomorrow. It doesn't consider the "long run" and it doesn't protect itself from further damage. It wants instant gratification....that includes staying with someone you are not "safe" with. By safe I mean physically but more than that I mean emotionally. If you feel you need this time and space from him then you have to find a way to make it happen...if you don't have a place to go then he needs to go somewhere...find a way to make it reasonable to him...there may be a lot of things that you don't know about him (things he's done, lies he's told, etc) but you KNOW him...find a way to reason with him. She doesn't need to reason with him about anything. Not after what he put her through. She just needs to forcefully create her own path through all of this mess. With the way he's acting there's no way he'll do her any favors because he doesn't care.
fltc Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I'm glad you've made your decision, I think it's the correct one based on your earlier thread. You do not need to tell him as others have said, just have him served with the papers. Get to an attorney and he can probably help you with additional advice.
carhill Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Yeah, after perusing your specifics, just have the sheriff serve him. An attorney can help you or, if your jurisdiction has a self-help department at the courthouse, they can assist as well. They saved us a ton of money on our D and everything was procedurally correct. If it's going to be rancorous and contested, then definitely get a lawyer. Also, find a safe place to stay. Emotions run high during divorces.
Author wrongedwife Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 Well he is gone, for now at least. I was having a rough moment so called my mother and told her, she said that her and dad would fly in tonight. So I called H to let him know they were coming and he lost it, said he might as well leave, as he couldn't face them, said he would be home to pack his bags. I packed them while I was waiting for him to arrive. He came, we had a semi discussion/fight, funnily enough the OW called while he was here so he had to step out to take it, couldn't even speak to her in front of me, just confirmed my suspicion it isn't over. He asked why now, I told him after the argument we had last night I was afraid of him, and needed space. Space which he has been asking for. I also said since he can't give me the honesty and openess I deserve I am not sure if we can make it right now, he just reiterated that he can't give me that. I said until you can we can't be together. He then made me feel bad that he had no where to go, I never asked him to leave, he wanted to leave! I didn't say anything to this, I knew I wouldn't beagle to stop myself from telling him that was his fault. Have called a locksmith to change the locks, they arrive in 1.5 hours approx. Have also cancelled the key card he had to access mynbank account. Should probably tell him to get a new account before pay day. Am waiting till the locks are changed to do that. I am not yet ruling out reconciliation, but for now I need him completely gone. Changing the locks is harsh, but I am afraid he will trash the apartment, he gets destructive when he is angry. I need to protect myself and our things, I know that is a little materialistic, but everyone needs stuff. And I like my stuff. I have to go see a doctor, I fell down the stairs when he was leaving and badly sprained my ankle, completely my fault, not his, just waiting for the locksmith to come soi can leave knowing the apartment will be ok. He also made me feel bad because he was going to have coffee with someone tomorrow to help him sort things out, but apparently my parents coming to help me ruins his plans as he doesn't want to visit the neighbourhood while they are here, not that we will be going to the local mall for a spot of shopping, they are coming to wipe away my tears not shop. He made me feel so bad that my parents are coming to support me. He ran to his mum after dday and told her everything and has had her to lean on for support, I hadn't even old them what was going on till today, I have had o support till today and he makes me feel bad because he can't face up to what he did. Currently I am very happy he is gone. Even though it hurts, I feel kind of happy, like it will all be ok.
Author wrongedwife Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 I also got made to feel bad that he may lose his job, it is not my fault he may lose his job, he is the one that has been behaving inappropriately at work, not me. Sure i called him today and he walked out, but i didnt make him, nor did i ask him to leave. He is choosing to let his anger rule him at the moment not me. Really made me feel like **** because of is actions. I am done being the one to blame! I am done being his emotional punching bag!
Author wrongedwife Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 And I am posting again. As i said in my other thread I just want to thank you all for your advice, though harsh at times, I think it helped me make the right choice for right now about my marriage. I hope what I have been through will help others.
Steen719 Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I also got made to feel bad that he may lose his job, it is not my fault he may lose his job, he is the one that has been behaving inappropriately at work, not me. Sure i called him today and he walked out, but i didnt make him, nor did i ask him to leave. He is choosing to let his anger rule him at the moment not me. Really made me feel like **** because of is actions. I am done being the one to blame! I am done being his emotional punching bag! So glad you feel better and how nice that you will have some support. Jeez, he needs some introspection, doesn't he? Well, they can only blame us if we let them...not that that doesn't keep them from trying!
John Michael Kane Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Well he is gone, for now at least. I was having a rough moment so called my mother and told her, she said that her and dad would fly in tonight. So I called H to let him know they were coming and he lost it, said he might as well leave, as he couldn't face them, said he would be home to pack his bags. I packed them while I was waiting for him to arrive. He came, we had a semi discussion/fight, funnily enough the OW called while he was here so he had to step out to take it, couldn't even speak to her in front of me, just confirmed my suspicion it isn't over. He asked why now, I told him after the argument we had last night I was afraid of him, and needed space. Space which he has been asking for. I also said since he can't give me the honesty and openess I deserve I am not sure if we can make it right now, he just reiterated that he can't give me that. I said until you can we can't be together. He then made me feel bad that he had no where to go, I never asked him to leave, he wanted to leave! I didn't say anything to this, I knew I wouldn't beagle to stop myself from telling him that was his fault. Have called a locksmith to change the locks, they arrive in 1.5 hours approx. Have also cancelled the key card he had to access mynbank account. Should probably tell him to get a new account before pay day. Am waiting till the locks are changed to do that. I am not yet ruling out reconciliation, but for now I need him completely gone. Changing the locks is harsh, but I am afraid he will trash the apartment, he gets destructive when he is angry. I need to protect myself and our things, I know that is a little materialistic, but everyone needs stuff. And I like my stuff. I have to go see a doctor, I fell down the stairs when he was leaving and badly sprained my ankle, completely my fault, not his, just waiting for the locksmith to come soi can leave knowing the apartment will be ok. He also made me feel bad because he was going to have coffee with someone tomorrow to help him sort things out, but apparently my parents coming to help me ruins his plans as he doesn't want to visit the neighbourhood while they are here, not that we will be going to the local mall for a spot of shopping, they are coming to wipe away my tears not shop. He made me feel so bad that my parents are coming to support me. He ran to his mum after dday and told her everything and has had her to lean on for support, I hadn't even old them what was going on till today, I have had o support till today and he makes me feel bad because he can't face up to what he did. Currently I am very happy he is gone. It is a very good thing you're sticking to your boundaries and protecting yourself. This will go a long way in the future, instead of being like others who sit and take this type of abuse for YEARS before finally deciding to stand up for themselves. He's trying to play sick mind games with you. Even though it hurts, I feel kind of happy, like it will all be ok. This struck a cord in me. That is so true because there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. You WILL be alright no matter how this ends.
Snowflower Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 He came, we had a semi discussion/fight, funnily enough the OW called while he was here so he had to step out to take it, couldn't even speak to her in front of me, just confirmed my suspicion it isn't over. Really? He had to take a call from the OW right when the two of you were in the middle of a heavy discussion? No way did he have to take that call from the OW. He could have let it go to voicemail. This action of his tells you volumes about where his head it at...but you knew that already! He then made me feel bad that he had no where to go, I never asked him to leave, he wanted to leave! I didn't say anything to this, I knew I wouldn't beagle to stop myself from telling him that was his fault. It seems like all he is doing is blaming you-your parents-whomever for his mess. He is nowhere close to doing any of the hard realizations that he would need to do for your marriage to have a chance. I have to go see a doctor, I fell down the stairs when he was leaving and badly sprained my ankle, completely my fault, not his, just waiting for the locksmith to come soi can leave knowing the apartment will be ok. Ouch! I hope you're okay. Please take care of yourself and let your parents help you. That's good they are able to fly to see you for support. Don't let him blame you for any of this like he is trying to do--possibly losing his job? That is all on him.
Recommended Posts