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It's wedding season again, how do I become more social when I have to talk to women?

Stockalone

By Stockalone
in General Relationship Discussion

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Stockalone Established Member

Stockalone

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For quite a while now, I have found it nearly impossible to pay attention and actually care when I have to talk to a woman (who is a stranger) socially.

 

Since I don't want to be a rude guest and cause my friends embarrassement on their wedding days, I need to change that.

 

So far, I have just gone through the motions, and nobody mentioned anything, but I feel it's only a matter of time until my gruffness and disinterest become obvious. Even when I try to focus during a conversation, I am quickly going back to being mentally absent for most of the time.

 

Does anyone have ideas on how to actually care, pay attention and at least be a decent conversationalist, if only for a day?

mickleb Established Member

mickleb

Posted
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I see no good reason why you should force yourself to be social to women (or men) you don't know, if you don't want to.

 

I suggest you take a good book to your friends' weddings and, if someone is interested in what you're reading, inform them. But most people will probably be happy to leave you in peace. Obviously, when your mates have got time to sit with you, put the book down! :)

 

We are all different. Unless you feel that talking to more women (or men) will be of benefit to YOU, why waste your time? Your friends are not really your friends if they don't accept you for who you are. At least you've attended their party, eh? Some people would just turn down the invitation as it made them feel uncomfortable.

 

x

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Stockalone Established Member

Stockalone

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I see no good reason why you should force yourself to be social to women (or men) you don't know, if you don't want to.

 

I suggest you take a good book to your friends' weddings and, if someone is interested in what you're reading, inform them. But most people will probably be happy to leave you in peace. Obviously, when your mates have got time to sit with you, put the book down! :)

 

We are all different. Unless you feel that talking to more women (or men) will be of benefit to YOU, why waste your time? Your friends are not really your friends if they don't accept you for who you are. At least you've attended their party, eh? Some people would just turn down the invitation as it made them feel uncomfortable.

 

x

 

I am not at a wedding for my own benefit, which is why I have to take other people into account.

 

My friends wouldn't mind if all I do is sit there all by myself or talk to some of the guys (well, maybe their wifes might). But that's not the problem, neither is me being uncomfortable an issue because I am not.

 

The problem is that I can't avoid women altogether at a wedding and that I have a hard time focusing in these conversations. And if I exhibit bad behaviour (like disinterest and gruffness), it would reflect badly on my friends.

 

Which is why I want to try to avoid that behaviour, and am looking for ways to ensure that it won't happen.

Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

Posted
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Why not bring a girl or a friend that is a girl to the wedding.. problem solved

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Stockalone Established Member

Stockalone

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Why not bring a girl or a friend that is a girl to the wedding.. problem solved

 

Thanks Art, people I know IRL have suggested that as well. And it might be the easiest solution, but it's not an option for me.

 

I don't have female friends. And I doubt that women would react positively to a "Hi, my name is Stock, we don't know each other but how would you like to be my date for my friend's wedding". Besides, there is this whole issue of not really being interested in talking to women, so I doubt that would work. So, bringing a woman isn't a feasible option either.

Edited by Stockalone
mickleb Established Member

mickleb

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Can I ask why you find women dull, as opposed to men?

 

x

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Stockalone Established Member

Stockalone

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Can I ask why you find women dull, as opposed to men?

 

x

 

I don't think women are dull. It's more like a full-scale retreat. I have lost interest in dating, and it seems that as a result I also don't really care about getting to know women anymore.

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted
Does anyone have ideas on how to actually care, pay attention and at least be a decent conversationalist, if only for a day?

 

'So, how do you know the bride and groom?'

 

Listen.

 

Bla, bla.

 

Ask another question. Listen. Talk about yourself a bit. Bla bla

 

Talking to women is easy. They poop just like we do.

 

If you find that 'talk' energizes you and you see she is not slipping off to engage others, ask her 'can we continue this conversation later? I've enjoyed talking with you. What's your number?'

 

Either way, smile. You had a good time.

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Stockalone Established Member

Stockalone

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'So, how do you know the bride and groom?'

 

Listen.

 

Bla, bla.

 

Ask another question. Listen. Talk about yourself a bit. Bla bla

 

That's what I did during last years wedding season. However, as I said, I have just been going through the motions. Basically, I have been doing the usual stuff, but I had to fake interest because there was no genuine interest on my part.

 

I didn't care about the conversations (not because they might have been boring, but because I didn't feel like talking), which is probably why I had such a hard time staying focused.

 

 

If you find that 'talk' energizes you and you see she is not slipping off to engage others, ask her 'can we continue this conversation later? I've enjoyed talking with you. What's your number?'

 

Either way, smile. You had a good time.

 

I am certainly not interested in getting numbers. I am just trying not to be rude because that's the polite (and right) thing to do. But that would be a lot easier if I didn't have to fake interest. Talking to women at social gatherings almost feels like a chore these days.

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
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You do have a choice. Can you see which choice that is? You can take the exact same circumstances and view and approach them in a completely different manner.

 

Why not get a few numbers? Then, don't call....or call, as you wish.

 

Try out some new jokes on your 'audience'.

 

Don't go to the weddings.

 

Lots of choices.

 

I recall going to the funeral of a car buddy last year. I hardly knew anyone. After the service, I just sat down at a table and started talking with people, sharing some of our stories from many years ago. We had a good time, even if at a somber occasion. One guy in particular, and his wife, both were quite interesting, as we had similar backgrounds in racing. I enjoyed his wife because she drove too. So we talked race cars.

 

Bla, bla.

 

It is what you make of it. Your choice :)

mickleb Established Member

mickleb

Posted
Posted
Does anyone have ideas on how to actually care, pay attention and at least be a decent conversationalist, if only for a day?

 

We can give you suggestions of how to be a decent-enough conversationalist (by suggesting topics for you to lead with) and there are websites that will be able to tell about skills like 'active listening', if you want to appear to be paying attention. But no-one can give you advice on how to actually care or pay attention. That is, as carhill says, up to you. Which is why I suggested you just don't bother. I'd much rather get a clear signal from someone that they are not interested in chatting, than figure out that they are faking it: that's more offensive. I'm sure you won't reflect too badly in the eyes of the ladies, or your mates.

 

x

Ouroboros Established Member

Ouroboros

Posted
Posted

If he flakes on enough weddings his group of friends will get very offended besides offending each one individually. Is there no way you could cordially turn down some of these weddings?

 

If they weren't a friend I saw at least once a week or a family member I spent most of my life around then I would send them a card in the mail with no money.

Star Gazer Established Member

Star Gazer

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I went to a destination wedding a month or so ago where I knew only two people: the bride and groom, and I wasn't allowed to bring a guest.

 

The groom sat me at a table with similar people, and told us about one another prior to the wedding so that we could find each other before the ceremony, mingle, chat, etc., and become comfortable so that we could really enjoy the evening.

 

Perhaps you can ask your brides/grooms to do the same?

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Stockalone Established Member

Stockalone

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You do have a choice. Can you see which choice that is? You can take the exact same circumstances and view and approach them in a completely different manner.

 

Why not get a few numbers? Then, don't call....or call, as you wish.

 

I already know that I wouldn't call, so trying to get numbers would be a waste of time, and wrong.

 

 

Lots of choices.

 

...

 

It is what you make of it. Your choice :)

 

True, there are always choices. I don't always like where my choices have lead me, but I am fine with the choices I made.

 

I guess it simply is a matter of flipping a mental switch. I intentionally switched it off, and the gruffness and disinterest towards women are a direct result.

 

 

We can give you suggestions of how to be a decent-enough conversationalist (by suggesting topics for you to lead with) and there are websites that will be able to tell about skills like 'active listening', if you want to appear to be paying attention. But no-one can give you advice on how to actually care or pay attention. That is, as carhill says, up to you. Which is why I suggested you just don't bother. I'd much rather get a clear signal from someone that they are not interested in chatting, than figure out that they are faking it: that's more offensive. I'm sure you won't reflect too badly in the eyes of the ladies, or your mates.

 

x

 

I can understand that. And that's one reason why I asked for advice. How can I keep chatting to women at a minimum without appearing to be rude?

 

 

If he flakes on enough weddings his group of friends will get very offended besides offending each one individually. Is there no way you could cordially turn down some of these weddings?

 

I want to go to these weddings. They are either friends I have known since I was a boy, or family.

 

 

I went to a destination wedding a month or so ago where I knew only two people: the bride and groom, and I wasn't allowed to bring a guest.

 

The groom sat me at a table with similar people, and told us about one another prior to the wedding so that we could find each other before the ceremony, mingle, chat, etc., and become comfortable so that we could really enjoy the evening.

 

Perhaps you can ask your brides/grooms to do the same?

 

I honestly could enjoy a wedding without talking to strangers, so knowing more about them beforehand really doesn't change anything. And the bride and groom usually do what you suggested. They'll do a quick introduction at every table. Who is who, how do we know them, what are they doing for a living, etc.

 

What doesn't help, is that since I always go alone, I usually get placed at a table with other people who come alone. Most of the time, those people seem to be rather chatty.

 

I guess I'll just have to try and make the best use of what's left of my manners and hope the result will be good enough again.

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
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Explain to me why the gruffness and disinterest towards women? Why the 'switch'? I don't understand. I mean, even if someone who happened to be female recently betrayed you or treated you horribly, that's one person. My apologies for not knowing all the details.

 

Myself, having been involved in some doozie weddings during my M and even being publicly made fun of by my exW at one, don't see any correlation between those painful experiences and perfect strangers I might meet at the joyous wedding of a friend tomorrow. It just doesn't connect for me. How does it go with you?

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Stockalone Established Member

Stockalone

Posted
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Posted (edited)
Explain to me why the gruffness and disinterest towards women? Why the 'switch'? I don't understand. I mean, even if someone who happened to be female recently betrayed you or treated you horribly, that's one person. My apologies for not knowing all the details.

 

Myself, having been involved in some doozie weddings during my M and even being publicly made fun of by my exW at one, don't see any correlation between those painful experiences and perfect strangers I might meet at the joyous wedding of a friend tomorrow. It just doesn't connect for me. How does it go with you?

 

No, no betrayal or horrible treatment. I have just had enough, a relationship isn't something I am going to pursue anymore.

 

Now that this "switch" is turned off, my interest in women I don't already know, has vanished.

Edited by Stockalone
Ouroboros Established Member

Ouroboros

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Then treat them like any other guy. If they are boring then act the same way you do with a guy who is uninteresting.

carhill Established Member

carhill

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That's great advice. Strip away the sexual allure and they have to earn attention and care and interest just like any other human being. If rude, boring, spaced-out, uncaring, whatever, on to the next conversation. No prejudice.

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Stockalone Established Member

Stockalone

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That's great advice. Strip away the sexual allure and they have to earn attention and care and interest just like any other human being. If rude, boring, spaced-out, uncaring, whatever, on to the next conversation. No prejudice.

 

Apparently, I am not explaining my problem well enough, or I simply fail to understand the meaning of your reply.

 

Sexual allure isn't a factor. It doesn't matter if a woman is attractive or not, that has no influence on my level of disinterest/indifference. The problem is not that I am giving women attention simply because they are women, regardless whether they (as a person) deserve it or not.

 

Right now, I am not paying attention to women for the sole reason that they are women, regardless whether that disinterest is deserved or not based on their personality.

 

IME, it takes a lot more effort to befriend and maintain a friendship with a woman. Getting along with men requires less effort for the same results. Combine that with not looking for a relationship, which means that friendship, as well as sex are gone as reasons for getting to know women.

mickleb Established Member

mickleb

Posted
Posted (edited)
Apparently, I am not explaining my problem well enough, or I simply fail to understand the meaning of your reply.

 

Sexual allure isn't a factor. It doesn't matter if a woman is attractive or not, that has no influence on my level of disinterest/indifference. The problem is not that I am giving women attention simply because they are women, regardless whether they (as a person) deserve it or not.

 

Right now, I am not paying attention to women for the sole reason that they are women, regardless whether that disinterest is deserved or not based on their personality.

 

IME, it takes a lot more effort to befriend and maintain a friendship with a woman. Getting along with men requires less effort for the same results. Combine that with not looking for a relationship, which means that friendship, as well as sex are gone as reasons for getting to know women.

 

Smalltalk at a wedding does not require you to maintain any friendships. It just requires you to be polite, if you so wish. And you appear to wish to be polite, for the sake of your friends.

 

As I said before, there are plenty of websites that can help you learn about how to chat with women. You don't have to do anything other than make conversation with them. If you happen to attract one, as a result, just don't pursue them any further.

 

Incidentally, as far as I am aware, men tend to find that they get something different from their friendships with women, to what they get from their male friendships. Women tend to be open to exploring and discussing one's emotional response to a situation, for example, whereas many men don't want to 'go there' with their male friends. I know several men who prefer their friendships with women to those of the men they know, and there is no sexual attachment involved. Perhaps you are the other way around? You just prefer the platonic company of men to women. There are many men like yourself, also.

 

Obviously, I'm not a psychiatrist but I do have some training in this field and feel the need to ask if anyone has ever mentioned Aspergers Syndrome to you? Your responses and concerns seem to be to be rather 'technical' and pedantic, and it seems that most people are unable to see the problem here.

 

Overall, I would say that, unless your friends have spoken with you about this and explained how they want you to behave differently, there's nothing to worry about. Coming across as a bit gruff with ladies at weddings is not a crime. It's just how you are. No biggie.

 

Anyway, I hope this is, in some way, helpful.

 

x

Edited by mickleb
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Stockalone Established Member

Stockalone

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Incidentally, as far as I am aware, men tend to find that they get something different from their friendships with women, to what they get from their male friendships.

 

I agree, that's how it was for me, too.

 

 

Women tend to be open to exploring and discussing one's emotional response to a situation, for example, whereas many men don't want to 'go there' with their male friends.

 

I know several men who prefer their friendships with women to those of the men they know, and there is no sexual attachment involved. Perhaps you are the other way around?

 

I guess so. I don't discuss my emotions with my male friends but used to talk about them with women, and being friends with a woman certainly has a lot of value.

 

It's just that I rather have that level of emotional intimacy in a situation where there is also physical intimacy involved. Separating the two takes a lot of effort (at least for me).

 

 

Obviously, I'm not a psychiatrist but I do have some training in this field and feel the need to ask if anyone has ever mentioned Aspergers Syndrome to you? Your responses and concerns seem to be to be rather 'technical' and pedantic, and it seems that most people are unable to see the problem here.

 

No, nobody has mentioned Aspergers. I did take a brief look at it, though, and I do have a few of the symptoms (like being pedantic in certain situations), but I am not concerned.

 

Maybe it really isn't much of a problem in the grand scheme of things. However, in the past, I made a choice, I either paid attention or not. Now, I simply seem unable to pay attention even if I try. And maybe pointing it out is indeed pedantic, but there is a difference (not wanting to, compared to not being able to), and that is part of what bothers me.

 

 

Overall, I would say that, unless your friends have spoken with you about this and explained how they want you to behave differently, there's nothing to worry about. Coming across as a bit gruff with ladies at weddings is not a crime. It's just how you are. No biggie.

 

No, nobody said anything. So far, so good, I guess.

 

 

Anyway, I hope this is, in some way, helpful.

 

x

 

I asked for opinions, and looking at things from a different perspective is always helpful.

mickleb Established Member

mickleb

Posted
Posted

Are you unable to engage in brief conversation with women? Just a couple of minutes?

 

I have to admit, I am awful at feigning interest and probably come across as a bit cold, occasionally. But I can't care too much about that.

 

Maybe have a word with a trusted male friend about your concerns and see if they've actually noticed anything. Or, if this is awkward, and if this is bothering you significantly, try seeing a therapist about it. I think that the perspective of someone who knows you could be invaluable, though.

 

x

creighton0123 Established Member

creighton0123

Posted
Posted
I went to a destination wedding a month or so ago where I knew only two people: the bride and groom, and I wasn't allowed to bring a guest.

 

The groom sat me at a table with similar people, and told us about one another prior to the wedding so that we could find each other before the ceremony, mingle, chat, etc., and become comfortable so that we could really enjoy the evening.

 

Perhaps you can ask your brides/grooms to do the same?

 

I hate getting placed on the island of single friends and misfit cousins. I'm neither a misfit cousin or single but have found that a common trend lately for cost cutting is only inviting couples who are already married or engaged.

 

Makes for dull conversation with strangers. Not really much more to it than that. Apologize to other people. You're there for the bride and groom and to celebrate them. It's not about you or anyone else.

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Stockalone Established Member

Stockalone

Posted
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Are you unable to engage in brief conversation with women? Just a couple of minutes?

 

I can talk to women I don't already know, but I am just not fully there, mentally. For example, I do have trouble concentrating and I quickly forget the names of the women I talked to, or sometimes even what the conversations were about. The conversations (as well as the women) just don't really seem to register in my mind.

 

That wasn't always the case, though. Which is why I am not entirely sure if it's just a change that only I notice or if other people notice it as well.

 

 

I have to admit, I am awful at feigning interest and probably come across as a bit cold, occasionally. But I can't care too much about that.

 

Maybe have a word with a trusted male friend about your concerns and see if they've actually noticed anything. Or, if this is awkward, and if this is bothering you significantly, try seeing a therapist about it. I think that the perspective of someone who knows you could be invaluable, though.

 

There aren't too many weddings left, so I guess I'll just try to get by. But if it gets worse at the next wedding, I'll probably talk to my friends.

Edited by Stockalone
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