nordic Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 One Trick To Figure People Out: Yes, the past is a good indicator of what could happen in the future... especially *how they talk about it*. One trick to figure people out is to get them telling stories. Open up conversations and listen... listen to their experiences and how they felt and currently feel about them. Ex: if she says "Yea, I cheated before, but he was away a lot" or "cheating is understandable under X circumstances" It may have happened in the past, but in the present she justifies it. That means the person she is today can justify doing such a thing. That may be different than "I cheated once and it was one of the worst mistakes I ever made. There was no excuse, and I learned a hard lesson." But ..... then.... how often do you hear that from a past cheater? I haven't yet. Use this technique not just regarding cheating, but a variety of topics. Ex: I've had 2 different guys tell me stories about beating kids up in highschool. Guy A tells the story as though it's funny and justifies it like this: "ah, I was teaching them a life lesson, toughening them up for the real world" (guess what kind of aggressive person I discovered him to be) Guy B tells the story as though he's telling the truth about something he's not proud of and takes full responsibility: "I was the real wimp. I picked on those kids so I could be cool and I'm really not proud of that." (what does this potentially tell you about this person's character?) Get a woman telling you stories about her experiences and current opinions, and listen carefully. good plan. given that woman would never lie about her past, you should just ask her about it:-) or go online. most women write how many they slept with in their profiles just next to their pictures, thats how non-charged this is.
Fondue Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 How to protect yourself in a relationship, Fondue's 3 easy steps! 1) Never get married. NEVER. Or even sign one of those domestic partnership stuffs. Just don't do it. 2) ALWAYS use a condom + spermacide and check out the male-birth-control pill when it comes (hopefully). Or better yet, get a vasectomy all together. Regardless of whether or not she's on "the pill," use your own contraception! So many women out there get a "mommy craze" and dupe their men into fatherhood! 3) Do NOT sign a birth certificate until you get a paternity test. This is CRUCIAL. Even if you think with 99% certainty the kid is yours, get yourself screened for paternity before you sign for the kid! Even if he isn't yours and your name is on the BC, you ARE his parent and liable for child support. Boom. You've officially protected yourself from a female assault. Congrats!
zengirl Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 In other threads we constantly hear that men should not judge women who are sexual and we are sexist if we deem them unworthy relationship material. To me the past is a way to tell how the future will probably go. Of course some people change but if you go on a job interview they want to know your past employment history so why should a relationship be any different? Mme. Chaucer already pointed out that saying "women who are sexual" and associating it with something "bad" is a bit leaning towards the twisted, misogynistic way of looking at female sexuality as bad or scary or threatening. However, I think you may have not meant it to hit that way, based on some other things you've written----though I do think that idea is very much still buried there in your thought-processing. In terms of "the past telling how the future will probably go" it's not true in relationships or in jobs, though particularly relationships, I'd say: Everyone who is single has had some trouble with relationships, whether it be getting them or keeping them, or some desire not to have a relationship. That doesn't mean they STAY single or fail at EVERY relationship----eventually, many people succeed. Obviously, things must change. I would say, in terms of employment history, sure, you can tell some stuff, but people change direction with employment too. I've been fired from a job, where nobody really liked me, but I've also had tons of great references and been successful at other jobs. I've moved around a lot, but I've also always kept a contract and stayed put when I committed, and I plan to stay put for years where I am now and likely will. People's priorities change not only as they grow, but as they come into contact with other people. Trying to assess a person and determine whether things will work based on THAT PERSON alone, with little view towards yourself and/or the energy that you two create TOGETHER, makes little sense. In some cases, you'll see huge red flags (if the person is a narcissistic alcoholic deadbeat or something), but most people fall in the huge middle ground of "sometimes good, sometimes bad" and it's really both people that make the healthy or unhealthy patterns in the relationship together, based on how they REACT. And the best way to assess that is in the moment, rather than through the other person's past. This is not to say that talking about the past is wrong. I like to see, as some have said, HOW someone reflects on the past, as to me, reflective = ability to grow, and that's a quality I look for in a person. That said, I wouldn't judge the past solely on what happened but more on what they learned/took from it and what direction it has then set the person on, and whether or not that direction meshes with where I want to go. And, of course, know thyself before you would attempt to know anyone else. It depends on how she views sexuality. I am not into name calling and slut is a word I don't use but I understand men's concerns. If she simply had fun and doesn't blame the men than I won't look down it as long as she never cheated on anybody. If she views it as beating men at their game or turning the tables than that is a huge red flag because this tit for tat mentality very easily extends itself into cheating. I have never cheated in my life so I think I have the right to ask faithfulness from a woman. Well, yes, if anyone has an ugly mentality about ANYTHING, that's a red flag. And I agree that's a gross mentality, but I've not met too many women who sleep around who dislike men/take a misandrist view of things, really. Most of the women I know who've slept around are either (a) dramatically insecure (not great, but some of them have grown out of it---and stopped sleeping around) or (b) free spirits---these girls will sleep around whenever they feel moved to, as they are literally just unencumbered by the idea of permanence and not worried by social judgment. I'm not saying women never sleep around out of anger (I would say a lot of female cheating IS done out of anger with a partner), but I don't think it's the norm outside of cheating. I would say the insecure gals might blame the men at first before they get around to fixing themselves and realizing that they were sleeping around and unhappy about it (that's really the red flag, not the sex) because they were unhappy with who they were at their core and looking for something in sex that simply isn't there. Right or wrong some men believe that women with a sexual past or more likely to be unfaithful. It might not be right but misandrists like the ones who blamed me for being cheated on don't help matters. I have never seen statistics bear this out. Plenty of women cheat who didn't "have fun" when they were single. Seems like some male insecurity to me. For the record I am not concerned about the relationship with my life. I just get mad when I read these boards and men with real concerns are brushed aside as one dimensional sexists. I think it's sexist when a very sexual man looks down on a woman for doing the same thing. Personally, I tend to not date guys who sleep around (at least not in recent years---if it was years ago when they did, I don't care so much) and I don't sleep around. It doesn't mesh with my particular value system, so if someone has a value system and wants a mate with similar ideas, that's totally cool. It's even fine if they have personal preferences, though this gets kind of weird, because it's so often a personal preference either based on a the virgin/whore mental issue (which gets kind of gross) and because female sexuality has been repressed for centuries and is very linked to the way women were restricted rights, historically. It's when people start throwing names around and labels and such that those misogynistic ideas resurface and seem totally gross. I don't think anyone is casting aside "serious issues" but that most of the people who get criticized are longing for the days when male power dominated and female sexuality was completely taboo, and that's kind of icky.
oldguy Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 If a man can't judge a woman based on her past because that is sexist then what ways can men prevent being cheated or marrying a woman that later on drops the divorce bomb on him? What do people suggest men do to avoid becoming another statistic? If someone has not been able to maintain a healthy committed relationship for more than six months you might want to shoot for that before buying a ring. If someone just got out of prison you might want to see how they adjust before getting to attached to them. If a person has been married 3 times or more & all of their SO have shown up dead you might want to reconsider. And if asking about their past makes you sexist, than be sexist just don't be a jerk and ask about details. You don't need to know how or even if she offed those husbands, just knowning her track record should be enough. And if protecting yourself is sexist then be a damn sexist. I think the best way to get into a loving relationship is to become an emotionally balanced, healthy, reflective, humble, healthy and happy person. Or at least heading in that direction. That way you attract what you are. That's been working for me. And I admit, it's a lot of work. But the love I give and get back is extraordinary. Or simply put, "two dead batteries can't start a car." If asking if her battery is dead or finding out how often it failed to start the car is wrong, than be wrong. Combining a fully charged battery with a dead brings the good one down & never brings the bad one to a full charge. ok, enough of the battery crap.
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