Woggle Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 If a man can't judge a woman based on her past because that is sexist then what ways can men prevent being cheated or marrying a woman that later on drops the divorce bomb on him? What do people suggest men do to avoid becoming another statistic?
Cee Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 I think the best way to get into a loving relationship is to become an emotionally balanced, healthy, reflective, humble, healthy and happy person. Or at least heading in that direction. That way you attract what you are. That's been working for me. And I admit, it's a lot of work. But the love I give and get back is extraordinary. Or simply put, "two dead batteries can't start a car."
vsmini Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Who says you can't judge a woman on her past? That is circumstantial. As a woman I can make decisions based on their past and I have no qualms about it. I won't get involved with a guy or continue dating a guy if he has cheated on his ex girlfriend (as an adult - I'm not talking silly middle/high school stuff) or if I found out he was still with his ex when he started dating me. Guys can do the same thing - if she's cheated...it ups your chances that it will happen to you. Keep an eye out for red flags at all times and don't just focus on the past.
Mrlonelyone Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Don't get married. Have one night stands only. Swear off all interpersonal relationships with women. Move to a cabin in the woods of Montana and write explosively angry letters. Or. Live with the risk. As they say in the stock market "Past performance is no guarantee of future results".
OliveOyl Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 If a man can't judge a woman based on her past because that is sexist then what ways can men prevent being cheated or marrying a woman that later on drops the divorce bomb on him? What do people suggest men do to avoid becoming another statistic? I don't think there is any one thing that can prevent cheating or divorce. However, I would say, don't get too comfortable- never take the relationship or marriage for granted. Even after twenty years. Once you get married this doesn't mean you can now coast. It's just the beginning. Continue nurturing the intimacy and make it a priority spend time together. Don't put "family/children/money/career" first so much that there is no couple time left. Find appropriate avenues to release and manage anger; don't take it out on your spouse. Of course this is a gross generalization, but women tend to cheat or leave when their emotional needs don't get met. Men tend to cheat or leave when their sexual needs don't get met. In general, people tend to cheat and leave when they feel neglected.
Author Woggle Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 Who says you can't judge a woman on her past? That is circumstantial. As a woman I can make decisions based on their past and I have no qualms about it. I won't get involved with a guy or continue dating a guy if he has cheated on his ex girlfriend (as an adult - I'm not talking silly middle/high school stuff) or if I found out he was still with his ex when he started dating me. Guys can do the same thing - if she's cheated...it ups your chances that it will happen to you. Keep an eye out for red flags at all times and don't just focus on the past. In other threads we constantly hear that men should not judge women who are sexual and we are sexist if we deem them unworthy relationship material. To me the past is a way to tell how the future will probably go. Of course some people change but if you go on a job interview they want to know your past employment history so why should a relationship be any different?
vsmini Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 In other threads we constantly hear that men should not judge women who are sexual and we are sexist if we deem them unworthy relationship material. To me the past is a way to tell how the future will probably go. Of course some people change but if you go on a job interview they want to know your past employment history so why should a relationship be any different? You have to establish your own boundaries and what you deem acceptable behavior from a potential partner. While some men may not find a girl with a past (multiple sex partners) appealing that is there choice. It's very easy to say "don't judge me!" but we judge and make decisions based off these judgements every day. When it comes to your future relationship make informed decisions and if you aren't happy about a girl's past then don't stress yourself out with trying to make yourself okay with it. Move onto the next girl.
Sabali Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 In other threads we constantly hear that men should not judge women who are sexual and we are sexist if we deem them unworthy relationship material. To me the past is a way to tell how the future will probably go. Of course some people change but if you go on a job interview they want to know your past employment history so why should a relationship be any different? That is a good question. On the other hand, a person's past negative sexual history does not necessarily make her a bad person who would become an unsupportive and backstabbing wife. While a person with a bad work record is likely just a person without much talent in his field or have bad work ethics and bad work ethics tend to stick with you or a very long time or stick with you until retirement. I don't ask a woman about her past. I know how it can affect someone. I am more interested in how you handle me. I don't need to know your past to assess what type of person you are today and how you likely hold up in the long run. Time is what is on your side. Those who move to fast will be ambushed.
Futuregirl Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 One Trick To Figure People Out: Yes, the past is a good indicator of what could happen in the future... especially *how they talk about it*. One trick to figure people out is to get them telling stories. Open up conversations and listen... listen to their experiences and how they felt and currently feel about them. Ex: if she says "Yea, I cheated before, but he was away a lot" or "cheating is understandable under X circumstances" It may have happened in the past, but in the present she justifies it. That means the person she is today can justify doing such a thing. That may be different than "I cheated once and it was one of the worst mistakes I ever made. There was no excuse, and I learned a hard lesson." But ..... then.... how often do you hear that from a past cheater? I haven't yet. Use this technique not just regarding cheating, but a variety of topics. Ex: I've had 2 different guys tell me stories about beating kids up in highschool. Guy A tells the story as though it's funny and justifies it like this: "ah, I was teaching them a life lesson, toughening them up for the real world" (guess what kind of aggressive person I discovered him to be) Guy B tells the story as though he's telling the truth about something he's not proud of and takes full responsibility: "I was the real wimp. I picked on those kids so I could be cool and I'm really not proud of that." (what does this potentially tell you about this person's character?) Get a woman telling you stories about her experiences and current opinions, and listen carefully.
Author Woggle Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 One Trick To Figure People Out: Yes, the past is a good indicator of what could happen in the future... especially *how they talk about it*. One trick to figure people out is to get them telling stories. Open up conversations and listen... listen to their experiences and how they felt and currently feel about them. Ex: if she says "Yea, I cheated before, but he was away a lot" or "cheating is understandable under X circumstances" It may have happened in the past, but in the present she justifies it. That means the person she is today can justify doing such a thing. That may be different than "I cheated once and it was one of the worst mistakes I ever made. There was no excuse, and I learned a hard lesson." But ..... then.... how often do you hear that from a past cheater? I haven't yet. Use this technique not just regarding cheating, but a variety of topics. Ex: I've had 2 different guys tell me stories about beating kids up in highschool. Guy A tells the story as though it's funny and justifies it like this: "ah, I was teaching them a life lesson, toughening them up for the real world" (guess what kind of aggressive person I discovered him to be) Guy B tells the story as though he's telling the truth about something he's not proud of and takes full responsibility: "I was the real wimp. I picked on those kids so I could be cool and I'm really not proud of that." (what does this potentially tell you about this person's character?) Get a woman telling you stories about her experiences and current opinions, and listen carefully. This is a good idea.
callingyouuu Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 I don't understand the rationale for not being able to take someone's past into account. Granted, one's past is not a perfect means of predicting behavior, but the only other option is to blindly enter into every relationship. I stand by my belief that someone who has cheated once already is in general more likely to cheat on me than someone who never has. That doesn't mean I would assume that it would be impossible for the latter to pick up the habit, but I'm just concerned about the probability that something will happen. The only concession that I might possibly make is that it's unwise to put too much weight in some of the more minor information at the beginning of a relationship, as it can sort of color our lens and get in the way of getting to know who they are now.
alphamale Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 What do people suggest men do to avoid becoming another statistic? marry a woman who has no, or little moneymarry a physically handicapped womanmarry a butt-ugly or obese womanmarry a woman who doesn't believe in divorce due to religionkeep her satisfied in beddon't treat her too wellmake sure you have the upper handkeep some chicks on the side just in case
Sanman Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 The idea of not taking one's sexual past into account came from the 'once a slut, always a slut?' thread if I am correct. Some of the individuals there are claiming you can't judge such things because people 'have phases' and 'can always change'. Personally, I have learned to always look at a person's history regardless of what those people say. I am with futuregirl on this one. I've been burned people ignoring such things and expecting it to be different in the current relationship.
ProjekctionMan Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 The way I view it is, I don't want a girl to judge me based on my virginity, so I won't judge her on having lots of sex. As long as she has lots of sex with me, then I am fine with whatever experience she gives off.
ilovedhim Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Relationship experience plays a big role in knowing who to trust. People show us who they are all the time. Their history is the only indicator of who they. Certainly we need to judge them based on it. Always stay alert. And when a person shows you who they are, believe them.
Feelsgoodman Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 If a man can't judge a woman based on her past because that is sexist.. Says who?? A person's past history is, by far, the most reliable predictor of his or her future behaviour. People rarely change in radical ways. Only a fool would NOT judge a woman (or a man, for that matter) based on her past.
John Michael Kane Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Those people who say it's sexist are ignorant and don't know what they're talking about. Past behavior is a great indicator. You think if you're with a girl who cheated, was promiscuous and childish in the past that she's all of a sudden going to be different now that she's with you? Hell no. I don't know if there is a 100% guaranteed method of men protecting themselves in relationships because you can't prevent cheating or getting screwed over in some other way unless you want to be alone. Maybe having some strong, written agreements could help, along with never combining your hard earned money into the common pool with your partner/spouse.
ConfusedGuy28 Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Past behavior is essential. I don't know what people are smoking in the other thread. Hasn't everyone heard "history repeats itself" If you date a slut who starts 5 relationships at the same time, and then has 3 one night stands on top of that.....then all of that ends....she meets "mr nice guy" - you're telling me he's supposed to say "ohh look, she's changed for me!" BS ----------------------- Anyways - even good people make mistakes sometimes. The biggest key to creating a successful relationship is encouraging honesty and open communication. Especially for hard stuff. Oh - and if someone has made a "mistake" in the past - how do they feel about it? HUGE predictor of future behavior. If they tell you about this stuff, then tell you it took a huge toll on them emotionally, they became depressed about it, tried talking to people, tried to make up for it, realize that they hurt their partner and could never imagine doing that to someone ever again - that's pretty different than someone who says "well, i did it because they were an *******. i just didn't like them anymore and figured it was time to find something new, right?"
Futuregirl Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 (edited) If you date a slut who starts 5 relationships at the same time, and then has 3 one night stands on top of that.....QUOTE] You're right... and it's not sexist, because the same applies to men. I recently learned my soon to be ex bf had an open relationship in the past and it's a big concern even if it was just a few partners. I don't think it's that it's sexist not to overlook promiscuity in women. I think the only thing that brings sexism around this issue is the fact that a lot of people judge women for the same promiscuous behaviour they overlook, or encourage in men. It's nasty, dangerous, and shows lack of standards for either gender. If you have held yourself to certain standards for sexual behaviour, then it's not unreasonable to want the same in a partner. I'm taking my own advice! Edited June 3, 2011 by Futuregirl
Ms. Joolie Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Yours is a valid questions, Woggles, but there so much behind it. I mean... It's like an employer who's been stolen from before my his employees many times. He can get an a business board and ask the question, "How do I protect myself from employees who steal?" It's a valid question but it calls to mind so much. The need to protect yourself inside a relationship is in line with basic security, not one coming from a place of out-of-this-world love. An employer wants to hire employees who are an asset to the company, who bring something to the table, will represent and enhance the company's goals. The employer has a basic screening process and then begins to build a relationship with that employee. If hired, you begin working together to reach a common goal. It's all about building a relationship and meeting goals after the employer/employee relationship is established. Likewise, in a marriage, the basic screening process (the security) has already been established. You are now working toward building your relationship and living a fulfilled life together. Feeling the need to protect yourself within a marriage is not healthy. You could be working toward the fulfillment of your marriage, rather than at protecting yourself.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Yours is a valid questions, Woggles, but there so much behind it. I mean... It's like an employer who's been stolen from before my his employees many times. He can get an a business board and ask the question, "How do I protect myself from employees who steal?" It's a valid question but it calls to mind so much. The need to protect yourself inside a relationship is in line with basic security, not one coming from a place of out-of-this-world love. An employer wants to hire employees who are an asset to the company, who bring something to the table, will represent and enhance the company's goals. The employer has a basic screening process and then begins to build a relationship with that employee. If hired, you begin working together to reach a common goal. It's all about building a relationship and meeting goals after the employer/employee relationship is established. Likewise, in a marriage, the basic screening process (the security) has already been established. You are now working toward building your relationship and living a fulfilled life together. Feeling the need to protect yourself within a marriage is not healthy. You could be working toward the fulfillment of your marriage, rather than at protecting yourself. As a man you have to learn to do BOTH... simultaneously. If you fail to protect yourself then when the inevitable happens a cardboard box is your future. You won't keep the house, the kids, the dog, or even your own income.
thatone Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 It's like an employer who's been stolen from before my his employees many times. He can get an a business board and ask the question, "How do I protect myself from employees who steal?" It's a valid question but it calls to mind so much. here's a valid answer, from someone who did that for a living... you trust no one who doesn't demonstrate that they are worthy of trust, they have to prove to you that they are trustworthy. you create obvious boundaries and standards of conduct that every employee must respect no matter who they are. when you suspect some form of trust has been violated, you get to the bottom of it objectively, and when you find hard evidence of impropriety, you send that employee on their way without a second thought. sound familiar?
Ms. Joolie Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 (edited) Yes, but with all this "protection" and "security" talk, it's still being spoken from a place of insecurity or hurt. You aren't having the trust issue talks with your valuable, stellar employees. Doing so suggest a relationship that is damaged, or in which those boundaries (that security, the trust) has not been established. In a LTR or a marriage, you want to be way past those trust issues. You want to be having different kinds of conversations, conversations that lead to a happy marriage - not one in which you feel the need to protect yourself. I understand the man's need for security. Women have that need, too. It isn't one that is normally wrestled with inside a LTR or marriage though, imo, unless there has been damage. Edited June 3, 2011 by Ms. Joolie
John Michael Kane Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Yes, but with all this "protection" and "security" talk, it's still being spoken from a place of insecurity or hurt. Duh we know that. It's the whole point of this discussion. It's trying to find alternatives or better ways to prepare for the future.
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