superchiefs Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 (edited) Hello, I need some advice. I have been dating the same girl for over 5 years. We got engaged about a year ago and planned to get married at the end of this year. However, 5 weeks ago, she showed up on my doorstep and told me she no longer wanted to marry me. Her reasons were that she said she didnt think she would make a very good wife, she wasnt sure she was in love with me although she cared about me deeply and that she needed to find herself. The girl has a history of social anxiety disorder, but she hasnt seen a therapist for several years, so I dont really know if that has anything to do with this or not. Also, I was her first boyfriend, so I am thinking that maybe that could have a lot to do with her doubts. Since she broke off our engagement, I have talked to her several times and asked her what our status is and she just keeps on telling me that I am in her heart, but she doesnt know what our status is. She also keeps saying things such as "Thank you for not hating me because I did this" and "Here is your ring back because this is all my fault" Also, she keeps telling me how lonely she is at night, but I have heard from other sources that she has actually been pretty active, going on a vacation, a fancy dinner date and spending a lot of time with friends and family. So I dont know if she is telling me she is lonely because she thinks it will hurt my feelings that she is out having fun without me or what. I have probably seen her in person 6 times in the past 5 weeks. On all of those times, I have tried being romantic with her, she has rejected me on 4 of those times, but allowed things to happen on the other 2. She always answers whenever I call her, but I have tried not to contact her very much. As of last Wednesday, I had not talked to her for over a week and when I did come in to contact with her, she seemed really angry with me. She said that things were really frustrating for her because it seemed like I was making all kinds of positive changes in my life, but that she had done nothing to improve herself(whatever that meant). I have told her over and over that I do not want to just be friends. Also, she has gone back and forth from saying that she didnt want to date anyone right now to saying that she wanted to date anyone except me. At this point, is me going no contact the best course of action? Edited June 2, 2011 by superchiefs
Chi townD Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 YES! No Contact!!! Sounds like she got the case of the G.I.G.S. (Grass is Greener Syndrome). She stated that she's done with you. Therefore, you should give her Exactly what she wants. You out of her life. You need to start to heal and your never going to do that if you keep in contact with her and hearing about all the fun trips she's having and romantic dinners she goes on. You need to de-friend her from FB as well.
geegirl Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 What's the alternative -- being in contact with someone who does not want to be with you and hurting yourself continuosly by involving yourself in her uncertainty and selfishness? NC is your only option.
Author superchiefs Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 Thanks for the reassurance that no contact is the right thing to do. Also, I deleted her from facebook several weeks ago, when I did this, it upset her greatly.
Chi townD Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Would have upset you more seeing all the status updates of her on dates and taking trips.
Author superchiefs Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 Do you think she lies to me about being lonely, hoping that it will keep me hanging on as a backup plan? Or do you think she feels guilty about having a good time without me and doesnt want to hurt my feelings? What sucks most is that I spent over 5 years with this girl and I was ready to spend the rest of my life with her. I guess 5 years is better than 10, right?
Chi townD Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Is she lying? Probably, she knows that she's the cause of your pain, so she at least has the decency to not flaunt going out with other folks on trips and out on dates infront of you and makes up that she's sad and lonely around you. But who cares!!!!! What you need to do is focus on you. Go NC. and start to heal. The best revenge is living well. There's a great big world outside your door. Take some trips yourself. Go to the gym, get in great shape. DO well in school and get a great job! Now, sooner or later she's going to contact you. It will only feel natural to want to respond, DON'T DO IT! Your curiosity will be going through the roof! Post about it here instead of responding to her texts.... This is going to be the hardest part of the whole process. Hang in there.
learned76 Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 It is...but don't concern yourself with what she feels. Deal with your own stuff right now and move on. You got lucky, mate, and saved yourself a lot of issues in the future.
geegirl Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Do you think she lies to me about being lonely, hoping that it will keep me hanging on as a backup plan? Or do you think she feels guilty about having a good time without me and doesnt want to hurt my feelings? What sucks most is that I spent over 5 years with this girl and I was ready to spend the rest of my life with her. I guess 5 years is better than 10, right? Who knows. What you do know is that she is a liar. Good enough reason to just let her be who she is and you move on with NC and heal. It's all about you now.
Author superchiefs Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 Thank you to everyone. Another question I have though...after going nc for a while, if she gets in contact with me and tells me she messed up, would I be making a huge mistake by giving her another chance? Afterall, I did spend over 5 years of my life with this girl and I really did think she was the one for me. We rarely had any arguments, and when we did have them, they were usually pretty simple such as neither one of us making a decision as to where to eat at night. Also, I graduated from college a couple of years ago and I already have a good job.
geegirl Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Thank you to everyone. Another question I have though...after going nc for a while, if she gets in contact with me and tells me she messed up, would I be making a huge mistake by giving her another chance? Afterall, I did spend over 5 years of my life with this girl and I really did think she was the one for me. We rarely had any arguments, and when we did have them, they were usually pretty simple such as neither one of us making a decision as to where to eat at night. Also, I graduated from college a couple of years ago and I already have a good job. Don't invest your energy and add to your already emotional state on wondering what you think you need to do if/when she comes back. You'll cross that hurdle when you get to it. You may decide/realize after getting some clarity that she's not right for you and can't give you what you want. Or you may be emotionally and mentally strong enough to keep a distance while giving her a second chance only if you see her invest time and effort into dealing with her issues (change is not a guarantee). Or you may start to feel indifferent and not want her back. Or you may have moved on with someone else. Who knows what can happen after some time has passed. Coming back and just saying I messed up, is not enough. Anyone can cry and plead and say they messed up but what happens after that? Those same behaviors resurface. You may have spent 5 years with someone but that does not hold any value for more investment when it's not a healthy situation for you to be in. Your arguments were small, what to eat, whose turn to throw garbage out does not gauge the health of your relationship. Maybe you should be looking at the relationships in terms of shared values, compatibility, emotional health and availability, etc.
Author superchiefs Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 Don't invest your energy and add to your already emotional state on wondering what you think you need to do if/when she comes back. You'll cross that hurdle when you get to it. You may decide/realize after getting some clarity that she's not right for you and can't give you what you want. Or you may be emotionally and mentally strong enough to keep a distance while giving her a second chance only if you see her invest time and effort into dealing with her issues (change is not a guarantee). Or you may start to feel indifferent and not want her back. Or you may have moved on with someone else. Who knows what can happen after some time has passed. Coming back and just saying I messed up, is not enough. Anyone can cry and plead and say they messed up but what happens after that? Those same behaviors resurface. You may have spent 5 years with someone but that does not hold any value for more investment when it's not a healthy situation for you to be in. Your arguments were small, what to eat, whose turn to throw garbage out does not gauge the health of your relationship. Maybe you should be looking at the relationships in terms of shared values, compatibility, emotional health and availability, etc. Well, looking at those things, we are both catholic, but not die hard catholics, we seemed compatible because we rarely argued and we went to a lot of different activities together such as sporting events, concerts, family events,e tc...Availablity, we spent pretty much every day together. But I am not sure on the emotional health now because she obviously has some issues and so do I now. She has said that her decision was not made overnight and that she had been thinking about it for about a month before she told me. It just really baffled me that she would throw a 5+ year relationship out the window for some things she had been thinking about a month. One of my close friends told me that his advice would be to never take anyone back that breaks up with you because it is always easier for them to do it a 2nd time. However, other people have told me that sometimes changes can be made and that a 2nd relationship with a person can end up being a lot better than the 1st one was.
geegirl Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 (edited) Values are core beliefs or guidelines as to how you choose to live your life. You path your life, choose your relationships with people, create your boundaries based on your values. It is what moulds your perception of what is good and wrong for you. What is moral and what is not. What you will accept and what you will not. Life rules that you have written for yourself and these change as you go through life and experiences that come with it. These are things such as honesty, respect, integrity, discipline, commitment, etc. There's a difference between values versus common interests. Common interests aren't strong enough bases to build a strong foundation. Liking baseball and eating hotdogs are superficial things. They aren't pillars supporting your relationship, your values are. And you can spend everyday together but it does not mean your relationship is at it's best. People get married and live unhappy and unhealthy years together all the time while looking picture perfect. She's made a choice that although you spent 5 years together, it's not working our for her anymore. Things change. People change. Feelings change. Dynamics of the R change. It's just not what she wants and feels for anymore. Nothing stays the same. You can't imagine it because you're placing your value of the R on her. Whether she "threw it away" after a month of thinking or a day of thinking, the end result is that she can't be in it anymore. We can make assumptions that people will leave the 2nd time or that the 2nd time around will be better. That's just generalizations. Each situation is different in its own way and so are the people involved. What you need to focus on now is not making predictions and wondering what the future holds for a second comeback but what you can do for yourself to heal. Edited June 2, 2011 by geegirl
Author superchiefs Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 Ok, so I am going to focus on myself. What I want for myself is a family. So would it be too soon for me to start going out and dating new women trying to find someone else to connect with? It has been almost 6 weeks since I was dumped from the 5+ year relationship, and I know that I do still have some emotional pain, but I also crave that feeling of giving and receiving love and I am not afraid to put myself out there and get hurt again.
geegirl Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Ok, so I am going to focus on myself. What I want for myself is a family. So would it be too soon for me to start going out and dating new women trying to find someone else to connect with? It has been almost 6 weeks since I was dumped from the 5+ year relationship, and I know that I do still have some emotional pain, but I also crave that feeling of giving and receiving love and I am not afraid to put myself out there and get hurt again. Yes, focus on yourself. After a 5 year relationship, I am sure you lost a part of who you were or neglected to focus on superchiefs. Aside from wanting a family, what are the other passions that you forsee wanting in your life or wanting to do? There's a void in your life now that needs to be filled up. Focus on filling it up with other things as well. You don't want to make the mistake, while in an emotional state of rushing out there to find another woman to fill that space. You can go out there and date but take it slow. Turn off the expectations and pressure of finding someone because you crave feeling/giving/receiving love. That may just be your feelings of withdrawal from losing her. If I were you, I'd focus on getting a little more emotionally healed and stable before jumping into dating again. How about you focus on your for awhile since it's only been 6 weeks and you clearly state that you are in emotional pain. When I broke up, I wanted to go and date because I wanted the same things you wanted. I missed the love/giving/receiving. My withdrawals were kicking in. So I went out seeking. But it was not working out well because 1) I was still in pain 2) comparing every man to my ex 3) couldn't tell who had potential or not because I was muddled 4) at one point picked someone just like my ex (toxic) because all i wanted was someone to fill my void. So I stopped and started focusing on me. Now my head is clearer and my heart is healthier. And the funny thing is I don't want to date now! I am happy with how my life is going and even when I do date, I take it lightly with no expectation or pressure but just to enjoy the process of meeting people. If you're ready to go out there, by all means date. But also try to focus on developing and nourishing other parts of you that you've left by the wayside during your 5 year relationship. When you're feeling like yourself again and enjoying your life and your own company, meeting that someone will be an added bonus to your already complete life.
Author superchiefs Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 Actually, I dont know if there really was any part of myself that was lost in the relationship. I pretty much continued to always do the things that I wanted to do. My ex said that was also one of the reasons that she broke up with me. She said I always did what I wanted to do and she was always scared to tell me that she wanted to do something different because she feared I would break up with her and she would never be able to get another boyfriend. Although, I really think she had no clue what she wanted to do because whenever I didnt make a decision about what we were going to do, we would end up sitting at home doing nothing and she would complain about that(that was when we would have arguments). I definitely am interested in getting out there and starting some new relationships. I figured the sooner I start those relationships, the sooner one of those relationships could potentially develop in to something serious. Not to say that I am better than you, but I think 1)I can handle the pain and still date 2)I really dont think I would compare anyone to my ex, I know what I want out of a girl and I dont believe in the whole there is only 1 person for everybody out there saying 3) once again, know what I am looking for in a potential mate 4) dont really have any control on picking someone like my ex that apparently kept her ideas to herself or lied to me saying she liked the same things as I did for fear of losing me That is great that you are happy, but dont you have any desire to have a family? If not, that of course is ok too. But I just have a strong desire to have a family of my own. I am thinking that during this single time in my life, I might get a dog to raise and care for just so that I have something to put some of this excess love in to. I think I have taken this breakup and really spun it in to my favor. Before this happened, I dont think I was in tune to how some of the things I say or do could be regarded as insensitive. However, now that I am aware of them, I thinkt that whoever I end up with will be rewarded handsomely because I am such a loving, caring, respectful, honest, loyal, sensitive person now.
geegirl Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I definitely am interested in getting out there and starting some new relationships. I figured the sooner I start those relationships, the sooner one of those relationships could potentially develop in to something serious. Not to say that I am better than you, but I think 1)I can handle the pain and still date 2)I really dont think I would compare anyone to my ex, I know what I want out of a girl and I dont believe in the whole there is only 1 person for everybody out there saying 3) once again, know what I am looking for in a potential mate 4) dont really have any control on picking someone like my ex that apparently kept her ideas to herself or lied to me saying she liked the same things as I did for fear of losing me It looks like you you know what you want and what you can handle. If you are ready, then by all means start putting yourself out there. If at anytime, it doesn't feel right, you can always step back and reassess. There's no time limit and pressure to find that someone. That is great that you are happy, but dont you have any desire to have a family? If not, that of course is ok too. But I just have a strong desire to have a family of my own. I am thinking that during this single time in my life, I might get a dog to raise and care for just so that I have something to put some of this excess love in to. I've been married and divorced. My ex and I never had the urge to have children so I've experienced that stage of life. If it happens for me in the future, then great. But it's not something I am actively seeking right now. I'm happy the way life is turning out for me and if at the end of all this there is another go at meeting someone and starting a life together, I'd gladly welcome it. I'm just not putting any pressures or expectations about finding it. It will find me. I think I have taken this breakup and really spun it in to my favor. Before this happened, I dont think I was in tune to how some of the things I say or do could be regarded as insensitive. However, now that I am aware of them, I thinkt that whoever I end up with will be rewarded handsomely because I am such a loving, caring, respectful, honest, loyal, sensitive person now. It's all a learning process and its about taking those lessons and applying them to better you next experience. You deserve to be with someone who will reciprocate your feelings, thoughts and wants in life. Someone who is your equal who will support, enrich and value you. Good luck!
Graceful Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 (edited) Superchiefs: Listen. You seem to be dwelling on the fact that you've "invested" 5 years in this relationship. Well, 5 years is 5 years, whether you had one relationship, or five relationships. The same number of years out of your life would have gone by. Right? What if you'd dated 3 or 4 people over these years? What if you'd gotten engaged to someone you'd only known for a year, and she broke off with you? Would you feel less badly because it had only been a year of your time "investment"? All this to say, you sound very ready to get on with your life. So just do it. Your ex sounds very insecure, does not know what she wants, has broken up with you, is now playing both ends from the middle, seems to resent you for knowing what you want (red flag, red flag), never seemed to know how to make a decision, seems to feel she doesn't or hasn't accomplished anything while with you, is being wishy washy ... need I go on? Cut this one loose. Done and done. She's got a lot of growing up to do, and you're already on your way. Get on with it. We all heal in our own ways in our own time. Frankly, I've seen many (friends, co-workers and one of my siblings) move on from a LTR with relative ease after a breakup because they have true clarity as to what they want. That's the irony. When a LTR ends, there is no mystery, really. You knew her long enough to know what you would have gotten yourself into, didn't you? So what's left to wonder about? Nothing. Good for you. Date when you're ready, don't turn back, and go out there and get what you want. You sound like a winner to me, so why wait for your ex when she's not even close to the finish line? Best of luck. Keep the faith, and take care. Ok, so I am going to focus on myself. What I want for myself is a family. So would it be too soon for me to start going out and dating new women trying to find someone else to connect with? It has been almost 6 weeks since I was dumped from the 5+ year relationship, and I know that I do still have some emotional pain, but I also crave that feeling of giving and receiving love and I am not afraid to put myself out there and get hurt again. Edited June 3, 2011 by Graceful
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