BusDrivinBilly Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Hello all - first time poster, recent sometime reader. My wife has indicated she wants to separate and I need advice!! My wife and I have been together for 5 years, married for 3. I have 2 step children ages 15 and 9, and we have a 2.5 yr old baby boy, who is the light of my life. We both work, and between work, taking care of the children, trying to stay in shape, etc., we had not spent much time together alone in the last year. I felt a distance between us, but chalked it up to normal work and family stresses – a mistake in retrospect. Related, last Fall, she reconnected on Facebook with an old friend from high school and started spending time with that friend’s children and family (alone and not with our family). She also reconnected with the friend’s brother, with whom she had been acquainted but never dated in high school, and would hang out with him while visiting her friend. Fast forward several months, in March, she said she might want a divorce, which was devastating and shocking because it came out of the blue for me. I have been in a daze of pain since then. She says she loves me, that I’m a great dad and I’ve done nothing wrong (for what its worth, our sex life has always been pretty good), but she feels a different and “deeper” connection with this other guy. I have been trying show her that I love her, to be a good father, and to stay strong and confident in my outward appearances, despite my pain. After a period of limbo, a month ago she told him she was staying with me, and later told me it felt like she had just made the worst decision of her life, and seemed to be leaning on me for emotional support (which I provided, but which felt ass-backwards since she was the one hurting me...), but she also continued to text him… and now says her feelings for him have not changed and she may want to separate to explore that other relationship. I am lost, hurting, angry, and fearing for the future of my family and the impact on the children. I want her to stay, but I need help. My question(s): if she insists on a trial separation, should I stay in the home (sleep on the couch, co-parent, etc.) and continue to show her that I am a good father, to show her my affection as much as she allows, and to otherwise act as strong and confident as possible, to try and remind her of why she fell in love with me in the first place, or would that simply remove the consequences of her exploring this other relationship? She cannot force me to leave, the house is in my name, but I cannot ask her to move out, because I do not have custody of my step-children, and I will not force them to move during a trial separation. Or, do I move out to remove myself from helping with the day-to-day burdens of running a family with 3 children, and to remove my comfort, attention, and affection, in order to help her realize the potential costs of her actions? Without me home to watch the kids at night, it may also minimize her opportunities to see this other man in person, if we separate. I don’t want to hurt the children by moving out, but she is a strong-willed woman, and I also don’t want to do something stupid and drive her further towards him. So, my question in a nutshell: if she wants to separate, do I stay or do I go?
Mauschen Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Go to marriagebuilders.com for advice on how to deal with a cheating spouse. The guy who runs this site also wrote 2 good books titled Love Busters and His Needs Her Needs, which are helpful for restoring love in a marriage that has experienced infidelity. Preferably, you STAY in the house WITH the kids and she can move out. In some states, you can get visitation with step children even if you don't have official custody of them. And, right now you are CLEARLY the more responsible parent, especially for your son. Don't leave your son with her. If you move out, take him with you and establish a visitation schedule with her (like your son is with her every other weekend). This way, if your marriage ends in divorce, you will be more likely to gain custody if your son has mostly been with you during the separation. If she wants a separation, cut her off as completely as possible so she might feel a void of you not being there. Right now she has 2 men meeting her needs (you and the OM). I know you do not want to hurt your step children, but I don't see any other way. Let the children know that you want to see them and love them. If they don't have a cell phone, get them one and call them often. Take them places too. This is HER fault, and they will (unfortunately) see that in time. Do not provide ANY kind of emotional support to your wife. If she calls, you can be business-like to arrange details of parenting. If she asks you personal questions, don't answer them. If she needs you to repair a flat tire, you're too BUSY!!! Before you cut her off, let her know that you will only accept her as your wife and nothing less, and if she decides not to be with you, you will certainly never "be friends." In order to be with you, then the other man must be cut off completely. I would also have her end her fb account since she cannot be trusted. I think if you cut her off, she may wake up before it is too late. It may take a few weeks or months without you, but eventually OM will not meet all of her needs (hopefully) and she will start to miss you and her family.
coolheadal Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 That other site looks like something to make money from other people. I think we all can share what we know here from real-time experiences. Sure no-one has the answers to why women do what they do. But when it comes to cheating on your husband or husband cheating on the wife that's a different story. Mine is doing something to tell me she want's out so fast. What has come out of her mouth is more shocking to me than anything else. To completely change what you know to be real to a dead black hole in your life. That's how I feel right now. I say let you go and let her get out of the house. You and her can't live there where she's dating or seeing another guy. You can't stop her either! She would have to do it. But she now as a taste of some different action and he craves for it now. You can't give her that crave, she knows what your like already. Excitement she getting from the second guy and thrill of it all. How long would that last? Who knows only she can break it off! But the sound of it she's not in any hurry to do so! Wifes that cheats are not good wifes you'll just end up not trusting her again. If a man cheats on the wife it's worst but the same thing happens they can't be trusted again. I have been there with one of my ex-gf which I had found out she had a man. So it was me. her and him. I did talk to him and learn more about what she was doing. He didn't know about me. She told him I was just a friend. I told him the truth and he gone ape on her. So today she's either with him or not. But I moved on and got married to someone I had thought that was really into me at first she was. But I guess through the years I should have seen this coming. Then out of the blue at Chilli's she told me we had to talk. I said about what? She wasn't happy. What with what? She said me and her? What? What a time to bring that up at Chilli's of all places. But that's how she is don't care about how I feel just about what she wants to do. So you see you can't let your wife play around why she's still living with you. Being upset going to hurt you more. The impact on your kids and your new born is the worst case senrio you'r going to have to deal with.
robf1971 Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 … and now says her feelings for him have not changed and she may want to separate to explore that other relationship. Billy, Give her what she wants, she wants to be away from you. Here's what you say, firmly, calmly with no shouting or no tears, "Wife, I will not live in an open marriage and be disrespected with you carrying on an affair under my roof, tell me now either choose to work 100% on our marriage by dropping OM or leave? Whats it to be? Anything less than a yes, don't say anything just pack her stuff up in boxes, put them in the garage and tell her you will help her move out if you like. Give her a week to go... DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME, this can be construed as abandonment in many areas. Once youve kicked her out drop her like a bad habit. Only contact if it's regarding the kids or finances. Do not answer ANY of her texts, emails or calls just let em go to voicemail and if it's important call back. You take the best care of your kids and yourself, get out and enjoy yourself, start a new hobby, start enjoying life on your own. Ohh last but certainly not least, your gonna want to get a good lawyer.
robf1971 Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 if we separate. I don’t want to hurt the children by moving out, but she is a strong-willed woman, and I also don’t want to do something stupid and drive her further towards him. So, my question in a nutshell: if she wants to separate, do I stay or do I go? Last night, my wife started up in a nasty tone about something I did wrong, my reply to her was "If you talk to me in that tone of voice you can do it yourself next time, it's totally disrepectful" My wife is a strong willed woman, you'd think she'd have exploded at me. Two minutes later she was apologising and sweeter than ever. This is counter intuitive, and I promise you she respects me for my reaction. Your problem is the same but on a much bigger scale. Your wife totally Disrespects you, without respect there can be no love. Gaining respect back is counterintuitive, ie you do what you would think is the wrong thing. Newsflash!!! she is already with OM, forget about driving her towards him, she's there already. Stop being meek and suplicating, this will never win a woman back. Look in all these silly slushy romance novels that women buy in the millions. The hero who gets the girl isn't some meek, yes man. He's the Knight in shining armour, who sweeps her of her feet. This is what women want. Let your wife go man, let her have the OM, do not pay for any of it, cut her off, let her see just how things are on her own. Do not allow yourself to be treated like this.
John Michael Kane Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Let her go. The moment she cheated was the moment she tore up the marriage. She wants to "explore" then let her. She'll realize how stupid her recent decisions were in the future, you just won't be there to see it. Find a woman who will treat you better. And Marriagebuilders is a site designed to milk money from desperate married couples who stay in bad marriages at the expense of their sanity. File for divorce and talk to your lawyer so you can protect yourself.
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