its hard to change the way i think about myself

[someonesangel84]

Hi,

 

when i was at school i have to say i wasn't the prettiest of girls. i had a very hard time back then as i hated myself i thought i was ugly and fat even though i wasnt fat and i self harmed and even went through a stage of not eating.

 

I have grown up now and i have become more attractive than i was. Im slim and i have a bf. I get quite alot of attention of men which is nice and for a split second it makes me feel good about myself, but the problem is deep down im still unhappy with the way i look. I worry my bf will find others better looking than me and always worry im not good looking enough. I know this is because of how i was when i was younger i just cant seem to just accept myself and love how i am. I know it is to do with self esteem i just dont know how to go about it.Can anyone help? many thanks x

[vsmini]

I know this sounds like such a generic response but have you sought therapy? They can get down to root issues that we here at LS cannot.

[someonesangel84]

thankyou for replying ,

im currently waiting for therapy, although i have had it before and it didnt help. i was just wondering if anything has worked for other people

[2sure]

Oh Gosh, I had self esttem issues for years and the one thing Ive enjoyed about growing older and maturing is the confidence. In thinking about it now, I would say that I used to put too much stock in how I looked, what I had, and what others thought of me.

 

I can tell you what changed it. Living through life's experiences without getting knocked on my ass. But more importantly for YOU right now:

Accomplishment. Not necessarilly financial or professional success either, although they count too - but having any goal, reaching it, and then going onto the next one.

 

Setting goals and achieving them, small ones on top of each other. Those are the things that make a confident life.

[TaraMaiden]

"A thought is only a thought, and a thought can be changed."

 

Watch your thinking.

I'm serious.

 

When you get a negative thought come up, stop.

Take a deep breath, and whoosh it out.

Then tell yourself.

 

"That isn't true. That's a lie. There is no basis, foundation or honesty to that thought. It is something I'm generating to self-sabotage, and I don't deserve it.

 

The opposite is true.

And I'm not going to entertain these lies any more."

 

And now - move on.

 

Smile.

A lot.

Even if you have nothing to smile for, and no-one to smile at.

 

And walk.

It releases positive endorphins.

Walking and smiling is doubly beneficial.

 

I really am not kidding.

 

I find that if I smile while I walk, it turns other people's heads, and they smile back.

 

That's a nice connection to make.

It makes you feel better, and makes others feel better.

 

Hell, it can't hurt to try, can it?

[someonesangel84]

thankyou for your replies,

i know that you can change the way you think i just find it hard. Also if someone else does something and it knocks my confidence or makes me question myself, i find it harder and start not liking myself again. i sound so vain to be so worried about how i look i know it just has always bothered me because i wasnt attractive when i was young.

 

im a kind, nice and friendly person always have been. its just this looks thing. maybe im trying too hard to be perfect.

 

for example if my bf says someones attractive my heart sinks and i take that as in im not attractive enough. I know hes not in the wrong and its me. i just cant stop hating myself because i feel not attractive enough. my bf says im too good for him all the time. but if he says someone good looking i feel sort of sad.

 

im in no way saying that he is in the wrong i know its me.i cant seem to stop my feelings

[TaraMaiden]

"Whether you think you can, or whether you think you can't - you're right."

 

If you keep telling yourself you "can't do" this, or you "can't stop" that, then you are already convincing yourself negatively and setting yourself up to fail.

 

sure it's not easy - but neither is learning to drive, or snowboarding.

Expect to tumble.

That's fine, it's ok to stumble.

 

Just get up again.

Fall down seven times, get up eight.

sooner or later, you'll be able to drop the 't' from 'can't.'

[someonesangel84]

"Whether you think you can, or whether you think you can't - you're right."

 

If you keep telling yourself you "can't do" this, or you "can't stop" that, then you are already convincing yourself negatively and setting yourself up to fail.

 

sure it's not easy - but neither is learning to drive, or snowboarding.

Expect to tumble.

That's fine, it's ok to stumble.

 

Just get up again.

Fall down seven times, get up eight.

sooner or later, you'll be able to drop the 't' from 'can't.'

 

thanks, i determined to feel better about myself as its not helping anyone really. im hoping therapy works this time

[Datura]

i know that you can change the way you think i just find it hard.

 

Yeah it is hard. And maybe you're not ready for such an undertaking. Once the difficulty of enduring poor self esteem, comparing yourself to others, and feelings of inferiority become too much to bear, THEN the hard, cumbersome journey of changing your thinking is preferable.

 

Also if someone else does something and it knocks my confidence or makes me question myself, i find it harder and start not liking myself again.

Questioning is only useful when the right questions are being asked. Instead of questioning yourself in terms of your self worth, capabilities, etc. ask yourself WHY you are questioning those things in the first place. What bearing does this person have on who you are as a person? Does the sun rise and set on this person's perceptions? Are they being needlessly critical, or was an innocent remark made that you are over analyzing?

 

for example if my bf says someones attractive my heart sinks and i take that as in im not attractive enough. I know hes not in the wrong and its me. i just cant stop hating myself because i feel not attractive enough. my bf says im too good for him all the time. but if he says someone good looking i feel sort of sad.

It's unlikely your boyfriend is the only male in the world you find attractive. Does that mean you will leave him, or see him as less than worthy? Why would he feel any different toward you? Edited June 4, 2011 by Datura

[Clyde_C]

I get like that all the time, but I try to see it this way: If you take care of yourself and care about looking your best, then a person who leaves you for somebody who is better looking was too shallow to be with anyhow. If that person thinks your personality and your experiences together mean so little that they can be cast aside over somebody prettier trotting by, then you can most certainly do better.

 

Besides, worn out and tired as the phrase is, it's true. Looks will never matter nearly as much as confidence.

 

And yeah, I know it's not so simple as a switch you can flip where you break into "I Feel Pretty" every morning when you wake up. But it couldn't hurt to focus on the things you can actually change instead of the things you can not. I wish you luck.

[someonesangel84]

I get like that all the time, but I try to see it this way: If you take care of yourself and care about looking your best, then a person who leaves you for somebody who is better looking was too shallow to be with anyhow. If that person thinks your personality and your experiences together mean so little that they can be cast aside over somebody prettier trotting by, then you can most certainly do better.

 

Besides, worn out and tired as the phrase is, it's true. Looks will never matter nearly as much as confidence.

 

And yeah, I know it's not so simple as a switch you can flip where you break into "I Feel Pretty" every morning when you wake up. But it couldn't hurt to focus on the things you can actually change instead of the things you can not. I wish you luck.

 

hi thankyou, i suppose your right. i am a nice person , id do anything for people. I suppose i just worry about how i look too much