Finally getting my story out there, take a look

[alrighty_then]

Hi. I've been reading posts on this site for the past few months, and now I feel like it's time to share my story and see if anyone has any advice to offer that I haven't thought of on my own. Like everyone says, I'll try to keep it short, but who are we kidding these stories always go on pretty long.

• I am 24, she is 22.
  
• She dumped me 4 months ago.
  
• We were together 3 years 9 months at the time of the break up.
  
• We also hung out/hooked up a couple of years before the relationship began (I was her first guy sexually), and we didn't talk to eachother in between.
  
• She has a son w/ another guy (dead beat dad not really involved), he was 9 months old when we started dating. I slowly got involved in his life, eventually became like his dad, got pretty attached to him.
  
• Got engaged on our 2 year anniversary, moved in together 4 months later.
  
• Neither of us ever cheated on each other (100% of myself, I guess only 99.7% sure on her part, but I know she didn't).
  
• I think we fought as much as a normal couple, maybe a little too much over stupid things.
  
• Had a very loving relationship, not abusive in any way, saw each other on a daily basis, both of us loved eachother's families, same interests/hobbies, very good sex life, everything seemed close to perfect.
  
• In the last 6 months or so of the relationship, she hinted at wanting to leave me a couple of times. We talked about it, I kind of talked her out of it, agreeing that we needed to work on some things. It seemed like she missed the 'honeymoon phase' and intial butterflies/sparks that we used to have. She actually did leave me a month and a half before the official break up, saying she didn't feel the same anymore, but after 3 days I convinced her to come back. She agreed that we were gonna work on things and it was worth trying to save, but it never seemed to me like she made an effort other than physically being there.
  
• In this same time period (4-5 months before the break up), she got a new job at a popular chain restaurant, new friends, etc.
  

I think that covers the background, but if you would like to know anything else let me know.

 

Anyways, she was supposed to come see me one night at my game for a sport I play. She didn't show up. When I get to my car after, I check my phone, and I have a semi-long text message saying, basically, she can't do it anymore, she doesn't love me anymore. I called her and talked to her for an hour, tried to convince her it was a mistake, no luck. I let her have space the next day, then texted her saying I agree that we need some time apart but not a full break up, I suggested we take a couple weeks apart (since we really haven't been a part in almost 4 years together), she says maybe we'll see.

 

So I did my best to give her space over the next week or two, occasionally just texting to see how her son was doing, but no more than a couple of texts every 2-3 days. After 2 weeks, we met up after her work, I gave her a speech about how I felt, I asked if we could start slow and try to re-build things. She was reluctant at first, but ultimately said yes we could, said I could hang out w/ her son later that week. So I was happy. Then a couple of days later, she said she changed her mind she just couldn't do it.

 

Over the next couple of months, the same pattern happened a few times. I'd go a week without talking to her, then give in and tell her I missed her, tried to get her to give us another chance, she would say no at first, then say okay, then change her mind the next day. In these couple of months I had some long texts, long emails, the usual begging/pleading crap. Nothing too crazy, no stalker stuff, but still I'm ashamed to look pathetic like that after the fact. But at the time I felt like I didn't know what else to do. I tried to use No Contact a few times. One time I made it a week then cracked, then 2 1/2 weeks then cracked.

 

We hung out a few times in between, all at my request. She had a good time, we had sex one time, kissed, but she was still pretty firm in not getting back together. But til this day I have always been the one to initiate any kind of contact or request to see eachother.

 

A little over a month ago, we hung out for a few hours after she came to get some of her things from my house, had a really good time, and she did the same thing as before - saying I could take her son out and saying her and I would hang out in a couple of days - then she took it back again the next day (lol come on...). So that really pissed me off, and at that point I decided to really try and go No Contact for real. I felt like I had enough.

 

So as of today, I haven't contacted her at all in 31 days. Of course there are times that I have wanted to (like every day), but I know it's not the right thing to do. The problem I have is trying to convince myself on a daily basis that texting her or calling her is not a good thing. That's why I failed at no contact so many times in the first 3 months. And that's why I have been reading posts on here and now hoping that you guys can offer some insight on my specific situation.

 

I know she has been seeing guys. She isn't with any one guy exlclusively. I think she's gone out with a few different guys. But she really has changed her whole lifestyle. When she was with me, I could barely ever get her to drink with me even on New Years or other holidays - now all she does is go out and drink w/ work people (kind of a suspsect group of people) and new non-work people. She doesn't really hang out with her friends that she had when we were together, only the new people (no offense, but most of them are low-lifes, no education, all they do is drink, some do drugs, just not the crowd I would want to hang with).

 

I posted this in the Second Chances area because ultimately I do want another chance together. Maybe I will feel differently down the line, but right now I still do. I have this gut feeling that she will come back eventually, just because throughout our relationship she seemed very in love, at times I thought she was more into me than me into her, and I mean after all she accepted my proposal to be engaged and was excited about that at one point. So it's hard for me to believe that just goes away and never comes back. I didn't beat her or cheat on her or anything, so I don't know I guess I just have this feeling in the back of my mind that there's a chance it's not over.

 

As far as signs that she has given me...there haven't really been that many. Like I said, I have initiated anything that has happened since the break up (other than one time she did show up randomly at one of my games, but then she claimed it was because she couldn't find her stuff at my house and was mad about - drove an hour to tell me before my game in person when she could have called/texted?? i felt like she wanted to see me, but who knows). But in the first 3-4 weeks after the break up, she had me in "we'll see" and "maybe" mode, like maybe it was just a break not a break up. She has said things like she doesn't want to be with anyone right now period, she wants to be single for a while, she knows she's not going to meet anyone that she wants to marry. When I would suggest we try to be together again, she would say she's not ready right now, or she's not ready yet, etc...using different words like "right now" and "yet" which I get a false hope from (like an idiot).

 

We are still friends on Facebook, and that has kind of been driving me nuts. I don't like to see her stuff, but then again I check it pretty much every day. I'm currently debating w/ myself whether or not it makes sense to block her, de-activate my facebook, etc.

 

And finally, like I said I am in Day 31 of my best attempt so far at no contact. HOWEVER, after 26 days (last friday) she texted me out of the blue just saying she was probably going to come pick up this game of her son's from my house on either sat or sun. I almost choked on my food when I saw her name texting me without me initiating it. Anyways, I didn't respond. I'm sure she expected me to respond saying oh you should come get it then we can hang out after! There was no rush to get that thing, her son doesn't need it and was actually out of town that weekend, so I get the hunch that she wanted to see what my state of mind was, if I was still in the begging mode or whatever, I don't know. Maybe not. Either way, I never answered, she never said anything else, she never showed up to get the thing.

 

That's my story. I really would appreciate any insight, even if it's tough love. I know I typed A LOT, but I have been reading all the stories on here for a while now so I feel comfortable telling you all these things. I've been getting advice from family/friends, but some outside opinions from people that don't know me or her would be a good thing. Thanks.

[alrighty_then]

Some of the things I am looking for answers on - Am I definitely doing the right thing now 31 days into no contact? Should I not respond to stupid things like her asking about a toy at my house? What if she shows up at my house to get it? Should I block on facebook? Based on the info, do you think there's any chance she'll come back? Is there anything else I can/should do? Like I said any advice is appreciated...

[Exit]

If that's all she said during the 31 days of NC, just keep on moving on. She has yet to say anything like "I regret not taking one of those opportunities to work on things or start seeing each other again". I know there's the voice in your head that says maybe it's good that she contacted you, maybe she feels bad that you didn't answer and you better say something before you ruin your chance. Don't give in to thinking like that. You did the right thing. After 26 days she may have been checking in to see if you were still in the same exact spot as before, if you'd pounce all over her and ask for time together or ask for a chance, and you proved that things changed in 26 days. If she doesn't want to lose you forever, she should be concerned now, and she should be the one to make further contact. Or if she really just wanted to pick something up and took your silence as a sign that she isn't going to be able to, she'll just disappear again.

 

As much as you may want to say something, think of how hard it was to go a full month NC, and think how much you will regret it if you break NC and it turns into more false starts from her, you're gonna wish with all your heart that you had just maintained your NC.

 

Nobody can give you any insight about her or about what's going to happen. Every situation is different and every person is different. It's a false sense of security to want some strangers online to tell you this or that is going to happen, and you'll actually breathe a sigh of relief and think yeah that person is right. It's a lie. None of us have any idea, and you just have to accept the uncertainty, instead of looking for answers from everyone else.

 

I think you should reward yourself for the 31 days, shift your thinking away from all this "what's going on with her, is she gonna give this a chance", stop doing that to yourself. It's time to make your life about you again.

[alrighty_then]

Thanks for the reply. That made me feel a bit better, that I am doing the right thing. I totally agree with what you said. The hard part is convincing that voice in my head every day. I'm sure you what I mean. Sometimes I'll see something that reminds me of her, or just thinking about her for no reason, I'll wonder hmm am I doing the right thing? I wonder if I can say something now and fix things? And I think I know the correct answers, it's just a matter of convincing myself. And like I said, your response definitely helped.

 

I know that nobody on here can predict what will happen with an individual situation. Every person is different, there's really no way to know what someone will think or do in the future. I guess I was just wondering if anyone could look at my situation and tell me if this "type" of situation was one that the dumper comes back more or less frequently than other types of break ups. I know it would be a generalization though.

[Graceful]

HI A_T,

 

Let me say first, that IMHO, you are doing the right thing by staying NC for the past 31 days. You're doing very well with that, as I know it's not easy and it's taking you a lot of strength. So good job.

 

My gut reaction is that your ex became a mother at a very young age, and as much as I am sure she loves her son, she was a teenager at the time he was born, and that is a huge responsibility to face alone, when she didn't even have the father to help, let alone pay child support.

 

And there you were, her knight in shining armor, who came into her life when she needed support, love, and someone to understand her and her lifestyle with a baby. And what did you do? You loved her, and not only that, but you loved the baby, you didn't bail and tell her you didn't want to be saddled with that lifestyle or with someone who had a baby. The baby was only 9 months old when you began dating. Do you know many men who would have done what you did? Well, I don't. So your ex was damn lucky you came into her life.

 

Now the tough part. And I'm sorry, but I have to be honest with you, okay? You sound like a real honey of a guy, too, so why wouldn't I be honest with you?

 

It seemed like she missed the 'honeymoon phase' and intial butterflies/sparks that we used to have. She actually did leave me a month and a half before the official break up, saying she didn't feel the same anymore, but after 3 days I convinced her to come back. She agreed that we were gonna work on things and it was worth trying to save, but it never seemed to me like she made an effort other than physically being there

This, of course, is normal and natural, but it's also very immature. Couples replace the "butterflies" with feelings that are much more important as time goes on. But since your ex is so young, she expects that this sort of feeling is ongoing. It's not. Lots of the initial feelings in a relationship are caused by biochemical reactions (it's true, it's science) and not only that, but love deepens over time, and the feelings are actually much better than those initial "butterflies" that people always yearn for.

 

When your ex initially told you her feelings for you had changed, you already know that was months in the making. She's months and months ahead of you in checking out of the relationship. You were and have been very understanding of her need for space, and even though you have broken NC quite a few times, she did not ever seem to waver in her decision or her feelings.

 

Even though your ex has seemed to want to keep you hanging, it does not sound it's because she wants to resume the relationship, she's just afraid to let go completely, and she's probably letting you down as easy as possible because she still cares for you.

 

I know she has been seeing guys. She isn't with any one guy exlclusively. I think she's gone out with a few different guys. But she really has changed her whole lifestyle. When she was with me, I could barely ever get her to drink with me even on New Years or other holidays - now all she does is go out and drink w/ work people (kind of a suspsect group of people) and new non-work people. She doesn't really hang out with her friends that she had when we were together, only the new people (no offense, but most of them are low-lifes, no education, all they do is drink, some do drugs, just not the crowd I would want to hang with).

This is all a result of your ex trying to exert her independence and reclaim herself. Your ex seems to be trying to shed her old identity, the way she is deleting her old friends from her life. It's as though she is trying to live a part of her life she feels she missed out on by having a baby at such a young age.

 

I have this gut feeling that she will come back eventually, just because throughout our relationship she seemed very in love, at times I thought she was more into me than me into her, and I mean after all she accepted my proposal to be engaged and was excited about that at one point. So it's hard for me to believe that just goes away and never comes back. I didn't beat her or cheat on her or anything, so I don't know I guess I just have this feeling in the back of my mind that there's a chance it's not over.

You're going to believe what you're going to believe, and far be it from me to change your mind. But I won't encourage you to feel that way and tell you I agree. I think you need to start to face the idea she's not coming back and focus on yourself, your own feelings, and expectations for a relationship.

 

She has given no clear indication whatsoever that she wants to resume the relationship, and if she does not make it crystal clear, does not tell you what's on her mind, does not say in plain simple language that she wants you back, wants to make things right, wants to improve the relationship AND has fallen back in love with you, then you know that you have to keep walking away. Nothing less will do. Nothing.

 

All the maybe this, and maybe that, and wait a minute, no come here, no go away, no wait a sec, let me think about it, oh, wait, I'm going out drinking but not with you, ad nauseum is not going to cut it, no it is not.

Agreed?

 

Your best bet is to stay NC. Do not allow yourself a setback by any contact whatsoever. It's not worth it. You've worked too hard to build up your strength, so don't blow it. You need to focus on YOU, and how you are going to move forward.

 

You sound like a wonderful guy, with maturity beyond your years. Why settle for someone you have to practically beg to love you, or to be with you? Why settle for crumbs when you can easily have the whole cake with someone who wants you?

 

Don't sit around playing guessing games, that's what kids do, you know? And if your ex is a kid, then she should date another kid, and not tie up a guy like you who wants a mature relationship, marriage and a stable life. Start letting go. If you put too much false hope in a second chance (and they rarely work out), you're only going to delay your healing process. Hope you can see I only have your best interests at heart. Take care.

[alrighty_then]

Graceful, thanks a lot for taking the time to read my post and give a thorough response like that. That's the kind of stuff I needed to hear. I'm still in NC, but man it is tough some days. I feel like I want to text her and tell her I miss her, but I know it will hurt more than help.

[alrighty_then]

So I went against my own advice and the advice I got from family, friends, and on this site. I broke down after about 35 days of no contact. I called her the other night. She was very receptive to my call. We talked for about 2 hours. A few months ago (right after the break up) I couldn't even get her on the phone. I told her I missed her. I said I didn't miss the way our relationship was towards the end, I didn't miss the way things were between us for the first month or two after the break up, I just missed her as a person. She said she missed certain parts about us, but not the unhealthy part of our relationship.

 

Anyways, she mentioned she needed something from my house. I suggested we meet up to see a movie or something, and I'd bring the thing she needed. She agreed. So the very next night we met at the movies, had a good time, went back to my house and had sex. So this is the second 'hook up' since we broke up. The first time was a little more distant, she didn't want to kiss too much, all business. This time was more passionate, lots of kissing and more intimate, some cuddling after, and we kissed goodnight like we did when we were a couple.

 

I didn't mention anything about a relationship or getting back together, even though that's what my end goal still is (I try moving on but that's still what I want), I kept all the conversation funny and light, so it was just a cool goodbye. Before she left I invited her to come watch my hockey game this Friday night, then get some food/drinks after. She said she'd be there.....

 

Now if you have read my story, you know that I have been fooled several times before by false hopes and chances. I'm thinking at best it's a 50/50 chance she shows up. I am not going to say anything today or tomorrow to remind her. If she remembers and actually comes through, then I think that's kind of a good sign.

 

So what I'm asking any of you...What do you think I should do in either result? If she comes and we have a good time, how should I play it from there? If she doesn't come, what should I do?

 

If she doesn't come, I'm thinking that's gotta be the last straw for me right? How can I stick around and still try to be with her if she lets me down again. I feel like this time I'd really have to make an effort. Delete her from my facebook. Avoid calling/texting her at all costs. And really make an effort to move on and give up the hope that she might realize she wants us back.

 

If she does come, I really don't know how to proceed. I mean, I know when we're together Friday (if she comes) that we'll have a good time and it will feel great at the time. But I know I am not going to be happy to just see each other once in a while. I told her I 100% will not be her friend. I won't chit chat with her from time to time about the weather and all that. I want it all or nothing. I would only try to do this friends with benefits and hanging out for a little while to see if that can build into more. That's sort of how we got together in the first place 4 years ago.

 

So...Any Advice??? I know I'm weak.

[Afterdinnermintz]

Hey,

 

What a sticky situation. I feel for you! However, you are NOT weak, you are human and what happened was out of your feelings for this person. That said, and after your recen chang of events, I would use the hockey game as a base for your next move. If she doesn't show up without a GOOD excuse, cut all ties with her, and severely. It sounds like you were around for her more than she was for you, which isn't right. You deserve to be happy, even if it hurts in order to get there. I think your focus should be directed on you, your feelings, your life and where you want to go. There are many doors waiting to be opened, even more so if this door closes!

 

If she doesn't show, get a good trusted friend and have them help you pack up all the stuff that reminds you of her and either give it back, throw it out or give it to the friend. Cut all ties via phone, internet etc. Start investing time, money and effort into you.

 

Best of luck!

[alrighty_then]

I agree. If she doesn't show, I have to cut ties severely and be done with it. How do you think I should proceed in the chance that she does show up? Should I keep trying to play it cool and see if she wants to keep hanging out, should I tell her the truth that I want to be back together... Like I said it's probably a 50/50, maybe 40/60, chance that she comes. But I'm just trying to figure out what I'm going to do in either event.

[Graceful]

I agree. If she doesn't show, I have to cut ties severely and be done with it. How do you think I should proceed in the chance that she does show up? Should I keep trying to play it cool and see if she wants to keep hanging out, should I tell her the truth that I want to be back together... Like I said it's probably a 50/50, maybe 40/60, chance that she comes. But I'm just trying to figure out what I'm going to do in either event.

 

Sorry to say that I think you set yourself up this time, and it's all on you, not her. Go back and read my advice, I don't want to repeat myself, and I stand by everything I said. Anyone that goes back and reads your OP can't possibly endorse what you're doing.

 

Sitting around creating strategies, wondering and guessing (said in previous message I sent to you) is not adult, mature behavior in meaningful, lasting relationships. It makes a relationship something akin to a game. Like your hockey game, for example. You attempt to get the puck in the net to score and go on to win. But guess what? You work with a team, right? And that's the way a relationship is supposed to work. You and the other person should operate as a team.

 

And you don't, and never did. And here you are operating as a single agent plotting to get your ex back ... alone. Not with her. It's as though she's part of the opposition that you are trying to win over.

 

So if she shows up, and you want to get out of limbo once and for all, tell her outright what you want (you want 100% from her, right?) and if she has no intention of telling you she wants what you want, then it's over. Oh, in your case, game over, if you see what I mean.

 

If you keep putting yourself through the same trial by fire, then it's all on you, and I think you know that by now. You're not tired of being jerked around? I guess not.

 

That's all I got.

[alrighty_then]

You're right. I screwed up. I got 1 night of fun and being happy w/ her, and in return I basically set myself back another month. I guess it wasn't worth it.

 

So if she shows up, and I tell her what I want, and she says something like she isn't ready for that or that's not what she wants right now, what should I say/do?

 

I am just lost in this whole thing. I am sick of being jerked around and not treated well by her, but at the same time I have set myself up for it, so I can't blame only her. I really wish I could just say I'm done with it and move on in a healthy way, but I can't seem to talk myself out of hoping she wants me back. What's wrong with me..

[Graceful]

You're right. I screwed up. I got 1 night of fun and being happy w/ her, and in return I basically set myself back another month. I guess it wasn't worth it.

No it wasn't worth it, and I'm glad you can admit it.

 

Unless you want to be FWB (and it does not appear that's what you want), not only was it not worth it, do not do it again. It's degrading and nothing good comes of it.

 

So if she shows up, and I tell her what I want, and she says something like she isn't ready for that or that's not what she wants right now, what should I say/do?

If she shows up, and if you intend to see her after the game, after you've changed and cleaned up, then you tell her the truth. "Ex, when I called you recently, it was a mistake on my part. I missed you and had a weak moment. I don't want to be FWB, I don't want to be your "friend" and I certainly don't want to be in limbo any longer. I've already told you that unless we resume the relationship with 100% commitment to make it work, anything less than that is not acceptable to me. I don't resent you for wanting your freedom, but now I have to claim mine as well. Thanks for coming to the game, but do not contact me for anything other than business (if she still has some belongings at your place), because that's what's best for me."

Or something along those lines. Don't go out with her. Don't spend time with her. Just be clear and firm, and stand up for yourself.

 

I am just lost in this whole thing. I am sick of being jerked around and not treated well by her, but at the same time I have set myself up for it, so I can't blame only her. I really wish I could just say I'm done with it and move on in a healthy way, but I can't seem to talk myself out of hoping she wants me back. What's wrong with me.

What's wrong? You have false hope, and many people have it at the beginning of a breakup. She was out the door six months before she even pulled the plug, and now add all the time since then, that's how far out the door and gone she is. She's not coming back, and even if she did, do you think you can ever recapture what you once had, now that she's hurt you? She'd have to work very hard to get your trust back, wouldn't she? She's been jerking you around for how long? So do whatever you have to do in your mind, if you want to keep hoping ... but don't act on any of it. She's the one who ended it, she's the one who dumped you. So she's the one who would have to come crawling back, not the other way around.

 

She's made herself mighty clear IMHO, so take your cue, go back to NC, and start seeing there is another path for you to take, and that's a NEW PATH. Stop walking down that path that is making you miserable and defeated. It sux for now, sure, but in case you haven't noticed, you're in good company. Join the club.

[alrighty_then]

Yeah I don't want to be FWB. If I was emotionally able to do it and be fine with it, then maybe, but the 1 day of being happy isn't worth the multiple days of feeling like crap. The only reason I considered it and actually went through with it the other day is I guess I had some idea that maybe it could develop into more feelings and get us back on track.

 

I like how you added "after you've changed and cleaned up" haha. You're exactly right lol. Hockey players smell TERRIBLE after a game, more so than any other sport because of how bad the equipment smells game after game.

 

I appreciate you being honest and reminding me of some obvious things. The problem is that I fantasize in my head of what I want, and I get the idea that it could happen, I miss her, and I make a bad decision and end up regretting it. I'm not sure how to control those urges. For the 35 days I was in NC, I missed her and thought about her every day, but it was controllable, I was able to still have fun here and there and do some other things. But that one day I just couldn't control myself. And I don't know what to do in those situations. It's like I forget all the things that I told myself before, all the things I said I would remind myself to talk myself out of contacting her. It sucks!