Break Up, Regret + Denial

[RuinedLife]

Me and my ex were together for over 3 years, the first couple of years we lived in apartments in the same city and the last year has been an LDR.

 

Its been 2 months now since the break up was confirmed and nearly 4 months since we last saw each other in person and fell out after an LDR argument. The argument was my fault and I live in constant regret and self-hatred as I feel so responsible for the break up. And I've been so ill these past few months due the stress, depression, anxiety, heartbreak and guilt of causing this break up. Barely eating, not sleeping, not caring about anything anymore.

 

I'm so desperate to find a way to work through our issues so we can try again, as I love him so much, and despite all the evidence that he's moving on I keep trying to live in denial. Keep hoping that one day he'll realize how much he still loves me and want me back in his life. And he seems to still care about me in some way, just as a friend I guess. But that hurts so much. I just feel so worthless inside, and I hate myself so much for letting my insecurities overwhelm me and cause this break up, as I know thats the reason he left me and I know that its my fault he's stopped loving me.

 

Everyday since we fell out has been a nightmare. I just don't know how to forgive myself for causing all this, or how to fully accept thats its over. I did apologise to him and told him how much I still loved him etc, but he just insists its over. I just hate myself so much, as I know its my anxiety and insecurities that have pushed him away. My low self esteem, anxiety and depression must make me such a horrible person to live with. I tried so hard to make it work but in the end I ruined everything. I just can't seem to forgive myself and I can't accept that he doesn't love me anymore as last time I saw him in person we were happy together.

 

I keep hoping that if I work on my own issues and improve my self esteem that he might give me another chance. As when I'm better I can go and see him and if he sees me in a better light he may want me back, but I know its a bad idea to live in false hope like that. As every time the reality of the break up hits I feel worse again and it sets me back, as if the break up just happened again.

 

I just don't know how to accept that its over and get out of this deep pit of depression I'm in. And whether I should try to be friends with this guy, or whether that is just going to hold me back even more? I suppose if I do try to keep in contact with him I should try to keep it casual and fun and not make any further attempts to save the relationship? It just so hard for me. As I only seem to have motivation to get better and improve my self esteem if I think it might help me get him back, but if there is no hope, it just seems like there is no point in anything anymore. So I don't know what is for the best.

 

And it seems impossible to escape from these feelings as everything I used to enjoy reminds me of him and what I've lost. Also I have no other friends and I've been too ill to go out anywhere so there is little to distract me and help me get over this.

 

Anyone had similar situations? I know therapy is my best bet, but I have to wait for that.

Edited June 2, 2011 by RuinedLife

[learned76]

I'm going through exactly the same thing, but have finally gained a bit of relief that is working...

 

What I mean by the statement in the title is that, from the sound of it, like me in previous relationships that ended, I put so much value in what my partner thought of me, that I lost my ability to create and maintain my own self-worth. Doing so creates this seemingly huge, insurmountable void in our lives and makes it feel like everything has broken when the relationship ends. Things like regrets, sadness and the feelings of emptiness, panic and worthlessness are all due largely in part because you have no self-confidence right now.

 

The key, as I've only recently begun to learn, is that the more you have confidence in yourself, the less important this rejection is to you. Regardless of what you did or did not do, you can't change what happened. You can only learn from your perceived mistakes and move forward...as hard as that might seem to you right now. Do not, however, give anyone else the power to control your emotions. You are begging for trouble. Be happy with your life and what you have to offer and people will find you.

 

Your current ex broke up with you because he no longer saw value in continuing the relationship...regardless of what you did, said or how you feel. If they change their mind one day and come back to you to try again, then you have to decide if you are willing to do that. However, you cannot waste your time or emotional power on this person and definitely do not wait for something you have no control over. Instead, turn your attention and focus to improving yourself, for yourself. This is the perfect opportunity to work on your happiness. Get your self-confidence back and start to feel good about yourself. Your happiness should never depend on someone else's happiness. Once you've achieved that for yourself, you can then think about relationships again.

 

For now, know that it will get better in time. You have to believe in yourself and make things happen in your own life, without bother to what others think.

 

You can do it. It's just time to get yourself straight. :-)

 

Good luck.

[sun_moon]

It really really doesn't help that you are alone and sick, you are literally trapped in your home, in your body, in your emotions, and in your mind.

 

You must find a way to break the vicious cycle you are in and stop blaming yourself. It isn't your fault.

 

First and for most, I believe that you keeping some kind of contact with him is keeping you trapped in a depression, you cannot heal, mend, and forget, if you choose to keep some kind of connection to him, it has to end, for the sake of your emotional and physical well being, you must go NC with him. Its like putting salt on your wound, pulling the stitches out, its constant regression, and if you have a link and talk, you will not get better.

 

I know, believe me, exactly what you are going through, I went through the hopelessness, the depression, the desperation for reconciliation at any cost, the convincing.....with my first love. You cannot blame yourself, find a way to ACCEPT what is there. You will eventually forget, you will eventually find acceptance and happiness, but most importantly you will find another.

 

You must kill the hope of being with him and accept that you two are no more. Replace that hope with hope for a better, happier, healthier you, replace that hope for him with a hope for a better love a better match, someday in your future.

 

It will come in time, but to help you along, you have to get out of the house and keep your body and mind busy, it really does help.

 

Therapy is a great suggestion, coming to LS is great, you can post here, read, give opinions, read them, this forum is great, and it keeps you away from your ex, or at least it should

 

If you do truly believe you are stuck and are depressed, there is nothing wrong with therapy or means of healing, like medicine. To each his own. My point is, you must take your life back, the power, YOU ARE WORTH SOMETHING AND YOU ARE WORTH LIVING HERE FOR YOU! But to feel better, you have to take action, and make a conscious effort besides letting time pass, it will pass a lot quicker if you are proactive about it.

 

This journey is about you and not him. Go exercise or do a physical activity, its been proven to help you feel better because of the endorphins released at that time. Connect with your old hobbies or find new ones, socialize with your friends, read funny books to distract you, read self help books, etc.

 

You wanted to seek happiness, self improvement, and confidence, and you said you wanted it for him. Quite the contrary, you should want that for yourself and that could only come from within for you self.

 

One day you will look back at these times and realize how important it was for you to accept and realize your self worth, don't ever underestimate that.

[Exit]

I think you are doing the typical thing, being WAY too hard on yourself, blaming yourself for everything. Love can survive anything, if this guy loved you there would have been a way through the problems.

 

You mentioned trying to solve your issues but that you didn't want to create a false hope that he would want you again some day when you're better. Part of that statement was right. If you are truly remorseful and you really do feel that much of what caused the problems is on your shoulders, you SHOULD want to go get help. It should not be motivated by any future chance with him, it should be motivated completely by your own happiness, and the health of your future relationships, to prevent the same issues from popping up again.

 

The other replies in this thread so far are also very, very good. This is all about you right now. You need to find the value in yourself to stop feeling this way. You put way too much of yourself in this relationship, you invested your happiness in it, and any time someone becomes so depressed afterwards that they let themselves become ill, it's a pretty obvious sign that the other person (ex) was responsible for your well being all along. You have solid, physical proof, we aren't even talking about the abstract emotional level here. You do not care enough to be taking good care of yourself right now. Sure we all spend a few days in bed or eating junk food or having a few drinks after a breakup, but you cannot totally let yourself go, and it can't be up to someone else to come along and repair you.

 

I truly hope you can find a way to love yourself as much as you think you love this guy.

[RuinedLife]

Thanks for the replies

 

I know you are all completely right, that I need to find my own self-worth and own inner happiness again.

 

However, I'm struggling so much right now. I have this chronic medical condition and its made much worse by all this stress so there is little I am able to do to help myself move on as I can't go out and can't do much in the way of exercise.

 

I know its terrible but this relationship had become my reason for living almost, I invested so much into it and was relying on my ex way too much for my happiness I know this, especially now, but I feel I knew it before too, which is why I'm so angry with myself for ruining it all.

 

I know I shouldn't live in denial, false hope or use ideas of getting him back as motivation for me to get better, but everytime the reality of this break up and its likely irreversibility breaks through my denial I completely crumble and collapse in a heap of despair.

 

I'm very lucky to have my family to support me, I don't know if I'd still be here without them, but I know relying on other people like this is a terrible way to live and I feel so guilty for all that I'm putting them through.

 

I hope to get therapy, but is such a long wait.

[Exit]

You know what, even if it is false hopes of a future with him that gets you motivated again, just use it for now. I think many times people start off this way, and then as they go to therapy, or take care of themselves and lose weight, or get a better job, they healed during that process and realize they are over the person, even if initially they were so motivated to get the person back. I'm in the same boat, I want to get back on my diet and start working out again so at some point down the road, I can see my ex and she will find me even more attractive. So I'll use that for my motivation for right now, even if it creates false hope. In the mean time, I'll still be reaching one of my own personal goals, and by the time I get there, I probably won't want her anymore. Use whatever motivation you have, just don't let it become an obsession where you really will always want him back. This is just my opinion, maybe it's dangerous advice, but whatever it is that would motivate you to take care of yourself right now, use it. You wouldn't want your ex coming back because he sees you not taking care of yourself and he feels like he has to rescue you, so start taking care of yourself. Rescue yourself. And I bet once you start feeling better in general and feeling better about yourself, you'll realize you are doing this for yourself and nobody else.

[RuinedLife]

Use whatever motivation you have, just don't let it become an obsession where you really will always want him back. This is just my opinion, maybe it's dangerous advice, but whatever it is that would motivate you to take care of yourself right now, use it. You wouldn't want your ex coming back because he sees you not taking care of yourself and he feels like he has to rescue you, so start taking care of yourself. Rescue yourself. And I bet once you start feeling better in general and feeling better about yourself, you'll realize you are doing this for yourself and nobody else.

 

I know you're right, I need to rescue myself and look after myself because I've relied to much on my ex for my happiness etc. And I know that it is very wrong for me to want him to rescue me. Last time I contacted him I told him how much I was hurting, how much I loved him and how much I need him back etc, and I know this was a big mistake.

 

But a long time has passed since this last contact and he emailed me again a couple of weeks ago, just to see how I'm doing etc. I know this is just bread crumbs but I feel like if I keep casual and fun conversations with him maybe I'll start to feel better and it will show him I'm happier too. But I also realise that this is a dangerous route to go down because if he stops contacting me or doesn't respond back in a positive way it could set me back majorly.

 

I just don't know what to do for the best. (Also I left so much of my stuff at his house and I know I will have to see him at some point to collect it)

[Exit]

Well, sometimes they say "not deciding is deciding". If you are not fully deciding to go no contact and end the little scraps of contact, then you are effectively deciding to allow them to continue. I'm doing the same thing. My anniversary with my ex is coming around next Friday, and I was just thinking to myself that I'll see what happens until then, and if nothing good happens, then I will finally let her know that the contact has to stop and if we ever try again it'll have to be after months or years. But then I said to myself will I really be happy doing that, or after the anniversary, should I just stop contacting her, but if she pops up or wants to make small talk, maybe I can handle it, maybe there's no reason to be bitter and force someone who is still a decent person to have absolutely no part in my life. I will have to identify if I can heal without fully going NC. And even then, maybe as I contact her less, she may not make much of an effort to keep in touch with me, and it'll end up being fairly "no contact" anyway. No reason to jump the gun and actually tell her after next Friday "fine never speak to me again". I'll just see what happens. But this is my solution for my own personal situation. I feel I can still heal and get over her. I just saw her earlier tonight and it was nice and I still miss her but seeing her didn't send me running to my bed to cry or anything.

 

I'm going to exercise, take care of myself, find my own happiness and enjoy the summer weather, and if she decides to check in on me once in a while, fine. I loved her at one point and to go from loving someone to telling yourself they don't exist doesn't always make sense to me.

 

Be warned, if you can't tell already, I am not the biggest believer in stone cold No Contact with zero exceptions. Some people really need that. If you're obsessive and keep trying to get them back and keep getting your heart broken over and over, you need NC. If you can start your recovery process and still acknowledge the person if they pop up and text you or something, fine.

 

You will be okay, I know it. It sounds like you are doing a lot of soul searching and you are realizing things about yourself and where you need to improve. That is a great sign. You are a quality human being who can do some introspection and desires to improve things. Some people just never look in the mirror, they go through life seeking love and approval from other people because they feel nothing about themselves. You're going to make it.

[sun_moon]

I'm sorry to hear you have a chronic condition. It's good that you are aware of your feelings and can admit them, that is the first step to recovery. :-)

I believe you need NC, while I respect Exits opinion, LC may work for him, but I don't think you need that right now, you are too fragile and depressed to take his breadcrumbs so stop. I promise you, through a unanimous agreement on LS, you will feel better, initially it will be like going through a withdrawal from a drug addiction and you won't like it, but it is great once you feel acceptance.

 

Please try it. Since you are constrained to not exercising or getting therapy at the moment, you should consult your dr regarding anti-depressants, just a suggestion.

Go to amazon and order some self help books, have you surfed this site, lots of people have made some great Book suggestions, to help them cope and move on. :-)

Find your strength it's in there somewhere.

[RuinedLife]

Thanks again for the advice Exit and Sun_Moon.

 

I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to cope with LC with my ex yet, but maybe if I get my head a bit clearer after another week or so, I don't know. Have to see how it goes maybe. I do feel guilty not contacting him though, as like Exit said he's been a good friend to me and seems harsh to just ignore him completely, when I know he means well.

 

I am on anti-depressants/ anti-anxiety medication, which I was taking before the break up too. And I've been reading lots of self help books for coping with depression, reading up about how to cope with break ups online and using online self help programs for coping with depression. Mainly the Living The Life To The Full program online which I would recommend for anyone with depression.

 

Maybe I need to read more self help books aimed specifically at getting over break ups though, so I'll definitely have a search around this site and check out any suggestions.

 

One of the things that sets me back the most and makes me hate myself so much at the moment is knowing that it is my insecurities and anxiety driven reactions that both caused my email fallout with my ex and the subsequent break up. And no matter how hard I try to forgive myself and put the past behind me, it just seems to constantly haunt me. I just feel like everything would still be fine between me and my ex if I had kept my anxiety better hidden and not let it overwhelm me like I did.

 

I've been searching online for help on how to forgive myself too, but so far nothing has worked and I torture myself partly because I feel I deserve punishment and I feel like my ex does deserve better than me after how I've acted and I just can not seem to forgive myself for pushing him away like that because I love him so much.

 

I know I have problems with obsessive thinking patterns and not being able to do much to distract myself from my thoughts of him, the relationship and all the mistakes I made is keeping me locked in the past.

 

I have rang up helplines a few times when the despair got really bad and suicidal thoughts really disturbed me. I don't think I'd ever act on them, but the levels of despair I feel just become so unbearable sometimes and I just don't know how to cope when they are that bad, so my mind seems drawn to these thoughts... when its so desperate for relief from the pain and there seems no point to anything anymore.

 

Sorry I know I'm wittering somewhat, I just feel so alone right now. But I'm glad I found this site because knowing that so many other people are going through / have been through similar things helps. As I don't feel quite so alone here. Even if a big part of me feels I deserve to suffer more than most for causing this situation.

 

I wish my ex hadn't also been my best friend, because I feel so desperate to turn to him for support, but of course, he's the source of all my pain. So its a paradox. I talk to my family and I'm very lucky to have them to support me, but they get so fed up of me and that makes me feel worse.

 

I just wish I could escape from the pain. Return to the past and undo my mistakes, but I never can, so I can either try to fix them it seems, by trying to repair my relationship with my ex or find away to forgive myself and put it behind me. So far the second option hasn't worked and I know the first leads to a very dangerous path. So I just feel so lost, not knowing how to move forward and towards happiness again.

Edited June 3, 2011 by RuinedLife

[Karala]

I can't believe the amout of wisdom (and kindness) contained on this board, and especially this thread.

 

Like I told you in another thread, I'm totally with Exit about the idea of "You know what, even if it is false hopes of a future with him that gets you motivated again, just use it for now" and all of that. Just one strong caveat, I would say : indulge in using getting back together as your motivation, but stay (or go) NC!!

 

Like Exit said: "If you're obsessive and keep trying to get them back and keep getting your heart broken over and over, you need NC". That has been exactly my experience. I thought I could handle contact with him, but I just felt like dying when I didn't hear from him again for days, and I just tortured myself trying to act casual and like I was okay with whatever.

Finally letting it all out, and telling him how I still cared about him and still wanted to work it out, has been such an enormous relief, even with the equally enormous pain of having to hear him tell me again that he wasn't willing to make it work.

At least now, everything is said and done, and that is why I feel ready to let go and go NC. In my heart of hearts I'm not letting go completely since I'm still hoping we can be together someday. But I've realized the more I wait and the longer I give myself to work on my insecurities and problems, the better chances I have to make it work another time around.

 

I just feel like everything would still be fine between me and my ex if I had kept my anxiety better hidden and not let it overwhelm me like I did.

 

This is eerie, I thought I was the only person in the world to feel exactly that.

 

I could have written those exact same words. Part of me is feeling exactly that.

And another part is saying:

PLEASE GIRL STOP THAT NOW. You have tried for years to "keep your anxiety hidden" and rule over it in any way possible. PLEASE STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP ABOUT HOW YOU COULD HAVE TRIED JUST A LITTLE BIT LONGER OR HARDER, you know you've fought like mad and done everything you could and gave it all you had. You want to believe that if you'd had the chance to give it maybe even just a week longer, or if you had managed to deploy just a little bit more energy in trying to sort yourself out, you could have made it work. Face it already, you've given it all you had for 3 and a half years (yes this is how long I made myself crazy), please let it go already.

 

YOU CAN NOT, EVER, GET OVER YOUR ANXIETY BY TRYING TO KEEP IT HIDDEN AS BEST AS POSSIBLE AND NOT LET IT OVERWHELM YOU.

The exact opposite is true.

This is such a big concept, and one that I've been soaking in for the past 3 years, and I still have most of it to integrate.

You said you were curious about any resouces, this is for me the best one by far on the whole internet in the realm of relationship advice for women, especially women who have problems with insecurities : http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/

 

I swear to God I'm not an affiliate. This lady is just a God sent.

She has a whole section about breaking up too. Actually, one of those posts (ironically the one titled "You don't have to break up with him") is a response she wrote to me when I wrote to her in despair a year ago. The letter she quotes is the letter I'd sent to her, you can see how my story was the same a year ago and how I just ended up with the exact same issue a year later.

 

Really hope that helps.

[RuinedLife]

Thanks for the support and link Karala.

 

Means a lot to know I'm not alone out there.

 

But I am really struggling a lot right now. Before everything I did was really aimed at improving the relationship, I would buy new clothes, dress up for my ex bf, and whenever I wasn't with him I was waiting and planning for our next encounter for our next communication.

 

I tried incredibly hard to make the relationship as good as I could despite my long term health problem and my anxiety issues etc. Which is why I am so incredibly angry at myself now for ruining everything.

 

Either I'm in denial as much as I can be, or I'm incredibly angry at myself causing all this and for pushing him so far away by being so dependent on him and crumbling into despair now he's left me.

 

And I can't completely move on from this until I'm able to go and collect my things, then I can draw a line, but I've been too ill to go anywhere really. And I want to talk to him, to exchange emails, for things to be like they were before, for us to be friends, but I love him way to much to be really just friends with him. So I fear communicating with him will set me back if my goal is to get over him. And I fear not communicating with him will set me back if my goal is to try and get him back as I feel like I'm coldly ignoring him now.

[sun_moon]

He will understand in time that you are doing this to be strong, independently emotionally strong, because you have to rely on YOURSELF! believe me, that understanding from a deep love will be there. You have to stop worrying about how he will feel or think, is he doing the same? Is he worried about ignoring you?I know he cares but by giving you breadcrumbs, he's torturing you. Even if its unintentional you have to make the conscious decision to cut him off for your own sake.

 

I too struggle with insecurities and big trust issues, I'm thinking about seeking therapy.

 

I really hope you stick to NC, we know you can do it.

[reclaimyourself]

Don't worry about NC getting in the way of "getting him back." But you need to look at at differently. This is NOT a period where you are on the computer or waiting by the phone etc. You will use this period of time to do things you have been wanting to do but didn't because you haven't thought about them in awhile. Or try something new that you just came up with. Eat better, exercise, feel better about who you are becoming individually. This will make you more attractive to your ex as well as potential suitors.

 

And NC does not mean that you have to ignore him if he contacts you, but keep it brief and talk about new things you're doing and how you're focusing on yourself right now. You can say you're happy to hear from him and ask what he's been up to, but keep it light and short.

 

You CAN do this. You need to do this for yourself. Not for your ex. But if you do it for yourself, your ex will be more interested in you if they find out about these things. Stay positive, realize you are great and someone will notice.

[mtd4249]

RuinedLife -- it's been some weeks since you posted on this thread (although I have seen your posts elsewhere since this date) ... I was wondering how you are doing now? Do you have an improved appetite and eating? Have you been able to get out a little bit and meet some new friends? I can really appreciate what you're going through - a lot of what you're feeling and experiencing is the same for me. Take care!

[RuinedLife]

RuinedLife -- it's been some weeks since you posted on this thread (although I have seen your posts elsewhere since this date) ... I was wondering how you are doing now? Do you have an improved appetite and eating? Have you been able to get out a little bit and meet some new friends? I can really appreciate what you're going through - a lot of what you're feeling and experiencing is the same for me. Take care!

 

Thanks for the message!

 

I am doing a little better some days in terms of the depression. And I'm sleeping a bit better with sleeping tablets. However, I still often feel like the break up is fresh and think about my ex pretty much all day every day. And obsess over my break up and blame myself for its demise far too much.

 

My appetite is a little better too, but my physical health is still really bad so I've been stuck in bed most days, in my room by myself.

 

Have made quite a few friends here on LS though And I've been posting a few more positive posts and uploading inspiring and funny videos.