MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Its long but I promise it's an easy read Ex and I lived together for 1 ½ yrs broke up end of Feb. . We both had some emotional baggage coming into the rel. and it did tax our rel. He broke up with me b/c he said I was: too argumentative, didn’t make him feel like he would be good enough, he felt like he didn’t have space or free time, he felt his decisions were all wrong unless they coincided with mine. At begin of break up he said he just needed time and space to play volleyball and concentrate on work. Then it changed to him not being in love with me anymore and him being very resentful, then it changed to he will always care about me but we are not a match and don’t have enough in common. During rel. I was all that he said I was but I had my reasons (not an excuse though): he was not very motivated, he really enjoyed attention from women, he did everything I said and I didn’t know he was mad about it. At beginning of break up I was angry, sad, and thought this was temporary. Then it changed to me begging him for a second chance and showing him I can change and be less controlling and that he is worth it to me. Then it changed to him wanting to date me and other women and me saying no it’s either me only or no contact. He moved out April 8. We stopped contact end of April. He said he didn’t believe I could take it slow and that if he were to date only me he would feel as though it were right back to how it was with me knowing his whereabouts and etc and him not having freedom. He also developed friendships with tons of girls and guys and said I would make him stop hanging out with the women. He also made a facebook and befriended many women who he had previously slept with that he is now friends with. During this time he hung out with me and constantly texted others and went out and etc. and I wasn’t “allowed” to now or ask about anything. I think me being there and communicating with him gave him the power to do as he pleased. So end of april NC. 2 weeks later he left note on door asking for mail. I put his mail in a bag. I then texted him and said “Please come home or at least let it be time for a second chance for us”. He replied that he doesn’t know what to reply. Two weeks pass. I see his car at movies, he sees my car at movies, he emails me “I’ve been thinking of how/when to contact you..there is so much I selfishly want and wish but I am trying my best to leave you alone as you asked..if there is EVER a chance you would open up a line of communication with me via email text or anything please contact me" Here I am. In question. In confusion. Yes I messed up. He did as well. We were both broken and it broke what we had. But is this a chance to show him the real me. To show him that I don’t always need to get what I want and that I can start fresh as “just friends” with some communication which may then lead to more? Would this be my chance to undo my wrong decisions within the relationship Do I just wait and let him make another move? I mean I did beg him for 2 months from end of Feb to end of April to give me a second chance. I cried every day I did everything I could to show him how much he meant to me-but by then he was emotionally cut off and nothing mattered I was too late. He kept telling me he needs space and time to miss me. So do I give him that now If I contact him now will it just go back to me being friends or having some communication with the guy I love and him knowing I’m still around or still in contact that gives him enough ego strength to keep doing as he is. Is this just not meant to be and I need to just get away and stay away?
radiodarcy Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 But is this a chance to show him the real me. To show him that I don’t always need to get what I want and that I can start fresh as “just friends” with some communication which may then lead to more? Would this be my chance to undo my wrong decisions within the relationship can you handle hearing about him dating other people? for me this was the test to see if i could be friends with my ex. after a major blowout over just that - - i realized i couldn't and went NC. If I contact him now will it just go back to me being friends or having some communication with the guy I love and him knowing I’m still around or still in contact that gives him enough ego strength to keep doing as he is. i think you just answered your own question. my experience with staying friends is that it rarely ever works. all it does is let the dumper know that you will continue to sit on the back burner until they make up their mind. that could be months, years from now - -or it could be never. i would suggest staying away. you will only be opening yourself up to more pain if you stay.
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 can you handle hearing about him dating other people? for me this was the test to see if i could be friends with my ex. after a major blowout over just that - - i realized i couldn't and went NC. So do I try it and then go NC if i cant? OR do I just assume I cant as of now? i think you just answered your own question. my experience with staying friends is that it rarely ever works. all it does is let the dumper know that you will continue to sit on the back burner until they make up their mind. that could be months, years from now - -or it could be never. i would suggest staying away. you will only be opening yourself up to more pain if you stay. So do you think that if he were ready to try agian he would let me know...rather than just us starting as friends? see thats my question- if we were to start as friends it could lead to something cause then he'd feel more in control BUT It could also be that he just wants to be friends while having no intention of being with me I dont see it as a possibility for him to just straight come back to me and want to try again without us being friends first...
D-Lish Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 As long as he is dating other people, you cannot be involved with him! That would abosutely destroy your spirit. It's good to take a step back from a relationship in order to realize some things about yourself. My ex was the same, he never told me what I was doing to make him upset, and he came to resent me as well at the end. I also had some controlling ways about me that I am kicking myself for now. I think the best way to handle this is to let him know that you'll only agree to a reconciliation when he's willing to put 100% of himself into the equasion. Don't accept the breadcrumbs from him!
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 so homebrew- what I dont get is that i don't see how it would be possible for him to want to start fresh if it's not from the very beginning...from the ground up....you know? I dont think he's gonna be like I miss her I do love her and I think we should try again so lets just get back together....to me it seems irrational...especially considering how what we had was flawed. so it only makes sense for me for us to start over brand new...and how would he convery that if not by asking for an open line of communication? I see it as he asked for us to talk...he has no intention of anything right now..but us talking may lead to more. it can also be seen as...he asked for us to talk...and he plans on doing as he is now having freedom dating girls and doing whatever and just having me be part of the mix... so how would he convey the starting over differently? does my question make sense? in other words since i know he wouldnt just flat out say lets get back together (cause we cant go from nothing to full on relationship again) we have to start somewhere....how would it sound for him to say that?
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 I understand that my being his friend is only going to set me up for pain because I am in no position to be his friend right now. I think I am just going to do nothing then and keep waiting. Waiting til my emotions calm down. I'm also waiting for him to do something...regret this...come back etc, but to be honest I know that's nt going to happen any time soon if at all. So yeah I am trying to put him out of my mind my heart my everything. Reminding myself of reality works. Sucks on the weekends. Super sucks. But instead of being sad that he's probably with someone else...I nee dto remember that it doesnt matter cause he's probably not the right guy for me. BLAH! I want this pain to go away already.
Sassygirl2 Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 It hasn't been enough time for you to heal and work on yourself. You "think" you can start a fresh new relationship but I think you know that it will end up right back in the same spot as 3-4 months ago. Just work on yourself, heal and move on.
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