Hold fast Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 I post on here from time to time when I get stuck and frustrated and am feeling that way now. Briefly, I've been seeing my MM for one year,in October he left his wife and I left my partner, we now both live alone and see each other. We both live alone now. Certains things are confusing me, his wife still doesn't know,i won't ask him to tell her but until he can be open about us I feel like an affair still. More though I am bothered by some recent changes in him. When he left he had only me but lately his social life has grown, I am glad actually, I don't want his life to revolve around only me but i am finding it hard because my own life is still very small. He says he wants us to work and his worst fear is that I would think he is using me. My point is he may not even know he is using me. We have made so much progress together but I am just at the minute finding the super human super patient part hard. The waiting for the future to come is getting me down. I am sorry if it not clear what I am asking just needed to 'rant' a bit.
donnamaybe Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 You say his social life has grown and yours has not. Is this because you wait around for him to give you time? If so, make your OWN social life grow! A confident woman is very attractive!
Owl Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 I understand that you're both living alone. Does that also mean that you're both 'single'? Both divorced or not married? If so...I can't imagine why he's still "hiding" you. Where do you see this relationship next year...and why?
Silly_Girl Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 HF, if his and his wife's lives don't overlap at all, is it important that SHE knows of you? As long as you're not being kept a secret per se? Are you socialising together? Are you doing things you also enjoy, without your man by your side? It's good he's branching out a little. Is it because he's happier now? More confident? It would be sad if you felt threatened by this, if it's just him relaxing in to his new situation. Is there any more to it, do you think? And feel free to rant!!!
East7 Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 I agree with Owl somehow, you two need a plan or commitment. Leaving your respective spouses is already a huge sacrifice and change so what are you waiting for to build a life together ? Maybe now that the A is over and there is no more challenge, your fMM is giving himself "more time" I bet while you were still married he "couldn't wait to be with you".
Author Hold fast Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 I can't say that he's been mean with his time since I left my partner,it is just lately that he's seen less of me. Some of this has been encouraged by me, for example he wasn't doing anything with his son so I suggested he take him out and this is now a regular thing. I don't know why he still keeps me a secret, at first it was because he didn't want his wife to be difficult about the son I don't know now. In a year I'd like us to be open but I fell if I ask it's putting demands on him and he should do things freely. He knows the secret aspect frustrates me and says change is going to. Be slow. Am just finding it hard to accept at the moment. I def want a bigger social life of my own but don't know how to do that!
2sure Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 This is tough stuff honey. You both did this the right way. And it does sound as though for him, this was an exit affair - which is not unusual and it also sounds as though although he left his marriage he doesnt feel the need to share this part of it with his wife. And thats ...if not ok, understandable. He doesnt feel that the affair was the reason he left. And being single again is a big life change, and he is changing and its to be expected. I dont know how this will turn out, neither do you , neither does he...but meanwhile: Do not allow yourself to go from OW to a FWB. Dont allow it.
Author Hold fast Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 I would hate to be a fwb or an exit affair, he knows this and says I'm not but if he can leave his wife of 20 years he would also be capable of hurtin me. How ould I know if I was? He gives me such mixed messages. I am fed up of trying to work it out. However, I feel like I've come so far and love him so much that quitting now doesn't let us see where we are going.
Spark1111 Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 I would hate to be a fwb or an exit affair, he knows this and says I'm not but if he can leave his wife of 20 years he would also be capable of hurtin me. How ould I know if I was? He gives me such mixed messages. I am fed up of trying to work it out. However, I feel like I've come so far and love him so much that quitting now doesn't let us see where we are going. So, why not date out in the open? If it's been a year, why not? Why isn't his social circle meeting you too? Next time, ask him if you can go along with these new friends, if you want to. Ask him why or what are you waiting for, after a year's separation? If nothing else, isn't it time to tell the estranged wife his feelings regarding it being time for maybe BOTH of them to start dating others?
jwi71 Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 (edited) So, why not date out in the open? If it's been a year, why not? Why isn't his social circle meeting you too? Next time, ask him if you can go along with these new friends, if you want to. Ask him why or what are you waiting for, after a year's separation? If nothing else, isn't it time to tell the estranged wife his feelings regarding it being time for maybe BOTH of them to start dating others? Oh I can answer all of these. Her MM isn't D and this is still very much an A. That's why. He hides her consistently. Always has, from day one. Still is. And it's not changing. After all, it's even harder to go back to the W when everyone knows he has something on the side. It's the same old MM song and dance. And Hold Fast allows it. It'll stop when she develops something I call " self respect". Edited June 2, 2011 by jwi71
Emme Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Hold fast, What do you want from this relationship? That is the only place to start. You can't hope for something if you have no clue what you want. Seems like many things about this relationship is upsetting you but you are not being vocal. Why is that? Tell us what you want from him? Tell us what you expected from him? If he's not giving you those things and he's a free man you are setting yourself up for failure. Be honest... tell us what you want from this relationship and be honest with yourself... Its not like he's here on the board.... I hope!
Mimolicious Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 This sounds like the saying ... "What starts bad, ends bad". I wouldn't be surprised if your MM is actually loving his new life without the W and wants to be free as a bird. From the sounds of it, he's probably interested in other people. The fact that he is still hiding you, should be an indicator that he will probably always will. Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh, but it is what it is.
Carrot2000 Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Co-sign with Mimo. Fresh off a 20-year marriage, he may not be interested in getting into another committed relationship. He's probably not telling his wife about you because he's embarrassed to admit that he cheated. He may be afraid that everyone's perception of him will change.
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