tohereknows Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Hello I've been seeing my gf for about 4 months now and we have an amazing life together. She has children from a previous relationship who are in there teens (14-18) and i have made sure they have not known about the relationship as she doesn't want them knowing about us yet, this is fine by me. There is lots of other things too which has had me jumping through hoops to make sure no-one finds out, getting friends to lie etc, which is a crap thing to do at the best of times. I only made one request to her, which i don't deem pretty unreasonable. I know she's had all sorts of crazy sex with people and she used to be a dancer in a club and we've both told each other we've pretty much done all there is to experience sexually. The past is the past though. When we first started dating we were at a nice little country pub when she says to me "oh me and x person used to come to places like this all the time and have sex all night. He phones the other day asking to come around but i know he would want sex and i'm sorry but if he did then i would" This hit me like a suckerpunch to my stomach. Her excuse later was "oh we werent with each other properly then, this was after 2 months of dating but no sex, just kissing & foreplay etc, apparently you have to have sex to be in a relationship according to her! We got past that and i said to her about the past being the past, no ones an angel, etc and to enjoy us and our future, i don't want to know intimate details about her sex life with past lovers. Three times she has done this same thing now, even as were having sex she says "oh i used to do this all the time with x person" erm..... Hello?!?!?! Is that relevant to us at this time or going to affect us? Yet she cant see what i mean and just says "oh its like when you go somewhere on holiday and then go again and say I've been here with x person before" Well to me holidays and intimate sex details are pretty much as far apart as you can get. To me it's like she's bragging or trying to get me jealous just to see how i react and its really beginning to wind me up, i should really end the relationship as its a one way street so far in terms of adapting to the other person, obviously i dont want her to shut out the past and i dont mind her tellin me about the actual relationships, its just the sex parts she is so keen to divulge to me! Is it just me or is she being unreasonable?
USCGAviator Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Dude, I think your nuts for sticking around as long as you have. If I were you I would leave on a count of disrespect. Great choice in women BTW.
Author tohereknows Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 I've had a conversation with her today and low and behold she said the usual "i will change, i treat you bad because all i have ever known is being treated bad by partners" This is true about her ex's, they were all horrible bastards to her. But i really don't know what to do about it, i know i should leave her but it's hard and we do actually click, well, apart from that one thing. But i'm not in relationships to try and fix people. I know she has major self esteem issues and tends to lash out needlessly if she feels bad about something. I guess its staring me in the face about what i should do but it's tough.
Author tohereknows Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 So she lashes out and inappropriately brings up past sexual experiences while doing things with you. Man I've been right where you are with similar types twice. One such is why I even came to relationship forums, she messed me up that badly. Is she really hot or very good in bed? Would you be putting up with this behavior if she weren't? Good luck, I know you are in the midst of a tough decision. Thanks for the advice! Yeah she is pretty hot and an animal in bed but has serious issues which she needs to address. A quick for instance, we were having sex when literally she just starts scratching herself really bad, i mean i grabbed her hand but she started scratching me and i though "**** that, that hurt!" so you can see what im dealing with here. But i really do feel sorry for her because underneath all this she is an amazing person. I just haven't got the patience to wait until she gets over her past and her dad leaving her family ( apparently this cued everything, sleeping around etc ). Yet i love the girl. I guess im just fooling myself that she can change and we can have a normal relationship but its breaking my heart to let her go and as you said its only going to end badly.
vsmini Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 "i will change, i treat you bad because all i have ever known is being treated bad by partners" Laughable and pathetic. This chick is in her thirties? She isn't very smart - when someone is treated poorly in a relationship they should LEARN from it - not just use that as an excuse to be an immature twat whenever they want. If she was treated so badly - then why is she reminiscing about THEM when she is out with YOU? srsly - this woman is an emotional trainwreck.
vsmini Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 But i really do feel sorry for her because underneath all this she is an amazing person. I just haven't got the patience to wait until she gets over her past and her dad leaving her family ( apparently this cued everything, sleeping around etc ). Well I hate to tell you this but there are a lot of amazing people with out all that crap on top of them that you have to root through in order to see how amazing they are. You'll be waiting for this woman to get over her past for a long time. How old is she? When did her dad leave?
Author tohereknows Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 Well I hate to tell you this but there are a lot of amazing people with out all that crap on top of them that you have to root through in order to see how amazing they are. You'll be waiting for this woman to get over her past for a long time. How old is she? When did her dad leave? Haha, this is going to make it worse now. She is in her late 40's. Her dad left when she was 17 and she slept around with anyone who would have her basically. As she put it "i let them use me and then kicked them out before they had the chance to dump me". I mean sex with her is BRUTAL, I've got bruises and bad bad scratches from her, i mean bleeding! On Saturday after i made her orgasm through masturbation she literally pushed me over and shoved me to the side of the bed and got up, it was pretty weird and to be honest it freaked me out! I've no idea what to think anymore about her. Has anyone had this and gone on to have a normalish relationship?
vsmini Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 When someone is serious about getting better then they will exhaust all options to do so - is she in therapy now? All nasty comments aside - she sounds very, very disturbed and as you said - has a whole lot of issues that she isn't even close to being over. You really don't have to wait around and pick up the pieces everytime she loses it. From what you've told us - there is no way a good relationship can be worked out at this point. I suggest breaking it off. Not a "break" but breaking it off and going No Contact.
Author tohereknows Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 As far as i am aware she has never sought counseling or any form of therapy for it, she uses sex as a form of therapy as far as i can tell. Sexually she loves being used and forced to do things, etc but then loves to fight back, and boy does she fight! I don't half know how to pick them!
Author tohereknows Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 The personality that you think you love was a creation, she will create a new one like a chameleon when the pain of being with you starts to overwhelm her and it's time to find a new supply. This could be months down the road and one day you will find out that she has been simultaneously with another man or several the entire time, and that's the true reason she wants to keep the relationship secret. Is this the histrionic thing that you posted earlier? It's got me interested now in whats going on inside her head. This sounds freaky but do you think she viewing me as her dad and is just going to kick me to touch once she's finished? when the pain of being with you starts to overwhelm her and it's time to find a new supply I dont really understand this bit, could you elaborate?
Author tohereknows Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 I know i shouldn't but i'm going to suggest therapy to her tomorrow as a last recourse to see if she will try and talk this out with someone. I'm just a fool in love and i know im going to get hurt in all this. She says to me "oh im just going to get hurt" when in reality its me who is continually being hurt. Women!!!!!!!
vsmini Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 I know i shouldn't but i'm going to suggest therapy to her tomorrow as a last recourse to see if she will try and talk this out with someone. I'm just a fool in love and i know im going to get hurt in all this. She says to me "oh im just going to get hurt" when in reality its me who is continually being hurt. Women!!!!!!! to put it bluntly - after you suggest therapy and she turns it down (she probably will) then from that point on - you are the chump and you are allowing all of this craziness to happen to you. You put up with it....it's your fault. You've only been dating for 4 months - there is a possiblity that you aren't fully in reality with her yet. Only 4 months in and you've seen all this drama and you're in love? You're just setting yourself up. You need to take a step back - you'll get hurt even more if you can't really open up your eyes and see the situation for what it is.
vsmini Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Personality disorders come in clusters. Your GF also exhibits significant borderline personality traits in addition to histrionic. The second one I dated was BPD/HPD, and almost exactly as you describe your GF. Part of the disorder is that intimacy causes them pain, through fear of abandonment. The closer they get to someone, the worse their symptoms become, the worse the pain becomes, until they go out and start looking for a new host to begin the cycle again. You have two choices, step back entirely from the relationship and continue on a purely sexual level, or stick around as the bomb ticks away. Most people find neither alternative acceptable. Let's not forget the 3rd choice and the only acceptable alternative: Leaving.
Author tohereknows Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 I guess you peeps are right and i'm just kidding myself with this. Should be fun tomorrow when i break the news! I do feel ****ty though cos she has been abandoned constantly throughout her life, but then again, theres probably a reason why and you peeps have just explained it
vsmini Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 I guess you peeps are right and i'm just kidding myself with this. Should be fun tomorrow when i break the news! I do feel ****ty though cos she has been abandoned constantly throughout her life, but then again, theres probably a reason why and you peeps have just explained it It's expected that you will feel bad - you don't have to like what you're about to do. It's a bad situation all around. Keep in mind that her losing a good guy that treats her right may give her the reality check she needs. Keep in mind that she will most likely kick and scream or try to pull some major manipulation tricks on you.....
Author tohereknows Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 Right, best laid plans and all that. She seems to have dissapeared or is not answering her phone. Suppose I'll have to wait and see what she is like next time we see each other. Feel a lot better now i sort of understand what may be going on in her mind too.
vsmini Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 Right, best laid plans and all that. She seems to have dissapeared or is not answering her phone. Suppose I'll have to wait and see what she is like next time we see each other. Feel a lot better now i sort of understand what may be going on in her mind too. Careful with that last statement - you may never know what's really going on in her mind. And what do you mean wait to see what she is like the next time you hang out? What if she's nice and happy? Are you just going to ignore it?
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