My boyfriend's manipulative parents are interfering with our relationship

[oukeying]

My boyfriend and I attend college together, but summer vacation brought us home, temporarily bringing us apart. Our homes are really not that far--he lives in Connecticut, I live in Massachusetts. The distance is perfectly manageable. Except his parents are getting in the way.

 

Umm, just bear with me as I provide just a little history regarding my relations with his parents before I explain our current dilemma, just as some background info.

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

His parents had proven themselves controlling and manipulative in the past... for example, during Easter weekend (during which he had planned to come home with me), his mother cried and guilt tripped him into going home to see his cousins visiting from Canada, his cousins WHO NEVER CAME.

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

A couple weeks before that, I had spent spring break with his family at his house, during which time my boyfriend did a lot of interpreting for us, as his parents don't speak much English. One night, at the dinner table, his mom made a comment. "I'm... not going to translate that..," my boyfriend said. But then he did anyway. For a moment, I just sat there stunned, glancing from her face, to his face, to his dad's face. Then I burst into tears. She yelled at him for his "poor translating skills" and called the whole thing a "misunderstanding."

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

OK, so here is the current dilemma:

 

After realizing we were unsuccessful in trying to get his parents to let him come visit me for my birthday (which was yesterday), I asked him if I could go down to Connecticut for his birthday (which is a week after mine). And initially, his dad was okay with it; and so I was all happy and giddy for about a week, because I knew I was going to see him. Until he tells me, yesterday, on my birthday, that his parents have now both agreed "no more girls in the house." And of course, by "girls," they meant me.

I wasn't going to let that stop me. I was going to be down there with him whether they liked it or not.

 

Until he said that if I came down there, his parents wouldn't let him come back to college here. I personally think that his parents have no right to control his future like that, and that then would be the time he should leave them and file as an independent student. I told him that.

But he has a little brother with a problem, and he feels responsible for this brother. He says he can't leave his brother because his parents can't help him.

 

(But really, they are not only controlling in regards to our relationship... they are controlling in regards to other aspects of his life as well. He's 20 years old, and shouldn't have to stand for any of it. But he does it all for his little brother.)

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Right now, I just feel emotionally drained. There is no way I am going to be seeing him in the next 3 months at this point. And it wouldn't be so bad if there was actually a good reason we couldn't see each other. But there is no good reason.. it's just his parents' pure selfishness.

 

He tells me it's their problem if they don't like me, because he is going to marry me. But I'd say it's my problem too. His as well, certainly. What if they really do go so far as to do something so drastic, like take away his education?

(From what he has told me of them, I wouldn't even be surprised.)

 

I just don't know what to do... none of this seems right... I think, all I can do for now is wait for the new school semester to begin..

 

Please; any comments, advice, suggestions... ?

I appreciate anything.

Thanks.

Edited June 2, 2011 by oukeying

[coolheadal]

That's how your soon to be in-laws are going to treat you. So you're getting a taste of things to come. His family will always trying to get one under you and nothing you can do about it. His family and they know him better than you do. He can't tell his mom no I can't come over. I have my mother-in-law this past V-Day calls up and tell her daughter (the wife) she made her favorite for V-day dinner, to come over there. But I said wait a minute I am taking you out to dinner instead.

[Lucky_One]

It sounds like they pay for all of his university expenses? Then yes, he is at their mercy when it comes to their making demands and expectations on where and how their money is paid. It also sounds as though your BF is content to have this continue.

 

I am not sure why your BF would translate something that he obviously knew would be hurtful to you. That seems a bit cruel on his part? And whatever it was, it did not help out a potential future for you and his parents.

 

The fact that he is 20 doesn't mean anything, as long as he is willing and happy for them to foot the bill for his living. Granted, I am speaking as a parent here; if I pay for the food, gas, tuition, living expenses, then there would be certain behaviors that I would expect while he was under my roof. And if I didn't like his friends, I might not allow them to visit. If he doesn't like his control, then he can refuse their financial assistance.

 

Saying he is staying for his little brother sounds just like a married man telling his mistress that he can't leave his wife because of his children. His brother has two parents who are obviously capable of caring for him while your BF is off at school for 9 months. If he was THAT worried that his brother will not be cared for properly, then he wouldn't have gone off to university but would be living at home and doing local education at community college or online.

 

Out of curiosity, does your BF have an XGF who lives in his hometown?