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Got the "its over" phone call yesterday and now I want to give up on everything

california15

By california15
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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california15 Established Member

california15

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We were on the rocks for a month, but then he called yesterday...

 

He said he was sorry, but his feelings changed and he was happy with someone else and it took him by surprise how happy she makes him

 

Said He won't contact me anymore, said for me to be respectful of the new relationship but I could call whenever I healed enough to be friends

 

Its been 2 weeks with her and already he mentioned they were moving in together and she's "the one"

 

that I need to move on and find someone who can make me happy like he couldn't

 

Its been 24 hours since this phone call and I have no will to go on. Its never going to get better... he's gone... prolly sleeping with her as I type this...

 

he's gone. and so is my faith that I'll be better. Him = my life. Him = gone. My life = ?

 

i've never been in this much pain

kj4412 Member

kj4412

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Well i know for sure no contact, let him make the first contact.

sinnister Established Member

sinnister

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Don't give him the satisfaction of your "composure" returning. I don't know whether the rocks was an official "break up"..but either way, he cheated IMO. Treat him that way. If you ever want him back, let him make the first move..but it's very vile what happened to you, I'm sorry.

 

No, it won't get any better in the short term. Betrayal is far worse to handle than a breakup. This was handled with the least bit of respect possible so it will cause u to look inward and ask "did you deserve it?", "what did u do that was so bad?", "could it have been fixed?". Just know that it was ALL HIS PERSONAL FAILINGS, not yours. See someone if you have to for transition meds/guidance...as the world keeps moving and everyone still expects you at the top of your game even when you hurt the most and don't want to play anymore...but let the anger and pain out when/where you can.

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Kodo Established Member

Kodo

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Key things I just wanted to point out:

 

Its been 2 weeks with her and already he mentioned they were moving in together and she's "the one"

 

He's fooling himself with that one. She might be the one right now, but how t he hell can you measure compatibility after 2 weeks? Moving in already?!?! My ex moved in with me after a couple of months and we'd already previously had a 3 year relationship before that... and it made things worse.

 

that I need to move on and find someone who can make me happy like he couldn't

 

If he can't make you happy, how's he going to make this one happy? Or is he just hoping she'll do all the work?

 

Sounds like he's the one who can't seem to go on, because he's clinging to false positives.

 

Stick around here. People will keep saying things like "I know what you're going through" or "everything will be okay" and you have to believe that. We're all here under different circumstances, but the pain is proportional. A 1 year break up is just as hurtful to that person as my ~4-5 years is to me.

 

Talk. Stay on the forums and just keep talking. Vanish from that ex entirely and heal here. This place has no check out time. :)

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california15 Established Member

california15

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thanks you guys.

 

vent: I miss him. Its weird going to bed and he's not here, and I know exactly where he is/ who he is with.

 

He even asked for his stuff back - i've never had the "its over" line before and it feels so final. I even got the "If we never talk after this conversation I hope you have a wonderful life"... I just get hysterical when I think I'll never talk to him again - It's sad to look at my phone and realize it's never going to be him on the other end.

 

How am i supposed to go to bed alone, sad and crying, knowing he's living with her and going to bed with her, giving her a good night kiss / cuddle that i loved so much, instead of me?

 

anyone else feel like dying or giving up or that it's never gunna get better? I don't want to be with anyone but him. I'll be miserable without him forever I feel. I'll never move on from him because I love him so much.

Kodo Established Member

Kodo

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thanks you guys.

 

vent: I miss him. Its weird going to bed and he's not here, and I know exactly where he is/ who he is with.

 

Oh definitely. It's a terrible feeling. Same for any other regular moment you'd see them. But like any habit, you can learn to forget it. Let it come naturally though. As you do other things you'll eventually 'fail' to remember.

 

He even asked for his stuff back - i've never had the "its over" line before and it feels so final. I even got the "If we never talk after this conversation I hope you have a wonderful life"... I just get hysterical when I think I'll never talk to him again - It's sad to look at my phone and realize it's never going to be him on the other end.

 

Completely understandable. As much as you don't want to you do need to grieve. Let those feelings just wash over you and cry etc.

 

How am i supposed to go to bed alone, sad and crying, knowing he's living with her and going to bed with her, giving her a good night kiss / cuddle that i loved so much, instead of me?

 

Try not to think about it as hard as it is. This is where NC will help. You'll find yourself not knowing what is going on and then your imagination just gets too lazy to bother thinking what is happening.

 

Think of it this way. He's probably feeling similar to this. That's why he's doing it. To fix his pain. He's not giving himself a chance to truely feel the pain and face reality.

 

You on the other hand know what the pain is like. It'll make you all the more stronger and self-aware.

 

anyone else feel like dying or giving up or that it's never gunna get better? I don't want to be with anyone but him. I'll be miserable without him forever I feel. I'll never move on from him because I love him so much.

 

Personally I feel like that. And this is the second time I've broken up with my ex. I get the lonliness (her not being around) and the emptiness (my hobbies and goals no longer matter).

 

One thing that I've realised recently that helps a lot, give some love. Go out there and give to others. It makes you feel great. It reminds you of the power you still have. That despite feeling like you're at the absolute bottom, you can make others happy and still help them.

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california15 Established Member

california15

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this is so painful

 

How can she be THAT special after 2 weeks they're moving in together and he wants his stuff and not to contact him because he's with her now and shes "the one".... after he spent YEARS (repeat, YEARS) with me?

 

tomorrow is friday, the start of the weekend. I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack knowing they're together 24/7... friday night... saturday night... the mornings in bed together.

 

I can't mail him his stuff. I can't do it.

geegirl Established Member

geegirl

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this is so painful

 

How can she be THAT special after 2 weeks they're moving in together and he wants his stuff and not to contact him because he's with her now and shes "the one".... after he spent YEARS (repeat, YEARS) with me?

 

tomorrow is friday, the start of the weekend. I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack knowing they're together 24/7... friday night... saturday night... the mornings in bed together.

 

I can't mail him his stuff. I can't do it.

 

I feel so bad for you. Your pain rings through your posts.

 

You know Cali, sometimes people get so caught up with their emotions and at that moment in time, it all seems so perfect to them. So perfect that they're in fantasy land believing that they're soul mates, hand in glove, blah blah. You know the honeymoon period is very nice. It's a high. Almost as if in a drug induced state. Smiles, butterflies and cherubs. But once that subsides, the reality kicks in. Two weeks is laughable to have found "the one".

 

I know it is almost incomprehensible that he's just picked up and gone. It's going to hurt you like hell. I have been there before. I actually caught my ex having sex with the woman. I thought I was going to die. I didn't want to live anymore.

 

The only way out of this is to take one step at a time. You will have to feel the pain. There is no way around that. Surround yourself with family and supportive friends. Allow yourself to talk about it and if you want to cry, cry and let it all out. Grieve and purge.

 

If you can't pack his stuff, ask a friend to do it for you. Leave the house when she's doing it. Ask her to remove everything and send it to him. Remove it as soon as you can. Reminders will keep you stuck and longing.

 

Your thoughts are going to go beserk. Visuals of them are undeniably going to enter. They will keep attacking you and it will cripple you for now. Slowly but surely, when you are healing emotionally, you will begin to counter attack by refocusing and changing your thought patterns. The visuals will come and go, become few and far between, sometimes hurt you and sometimes you may feel indifferent.

 

I'm saying that this is a process. Post here for support. Grieve the loss. Find emotional care and support from those that love you.

 

This may seem like the end of the world for you. It feels like this to everyone that is suffering a broken heart. But you know deep down inside you will come through. We all have. The pain feels so intense and you're defeated. I know. There are times now after a few months of NC, the visual of my ex and this woman comes to mind. Does it hurt? No. Did it hurt then? If I had a knife I would have gutted myself just to relieve that pain.

 

One minute at a time. One hour at a time. One day at a time. Try to eat, even if it's a little something. Drink lots of water. Force yourself. It's bad enough you're emotionally drained, you must at least nourish yourself physically. It will help sustain you some. Try to be around people. Don't be alone at home.

 

You will get through this. I never thought I would. He was my life. But I did. And so will you.

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california15 Established Member

california15

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I truly thank you guys who have taken the time to read and respond - all of you have thoughtful answers that are true and helpful and encouraging and I'm so thankful for this website and the posters who helped

 

I can't help though that it still hurts more than any physical or emotional trauma I've ever been through and that I think about this mysterious seemingly better-than-me girl that he's with now. He must really like her after 2 weeks to tell me, who he's known for 10 years and dated for a few of those more recent years, that its ok if we never talk again. (and THAT has definitely not sunk in; im in denial that I'll never talk to him again - like really? 2 Weeks and you're going to throw me away for the rest of your life?)

 

He's never been in a relationship thats been less than a year and I know he wants to settle down as he's getting older. What happened to our wedding ideas we always talked about? What am I going to do? What happens when "the one" for you leaves? Can "the one" for you be a one-sided street?

 

To LS: How do you not care that you've been replaced? I can't even fathom being with someone else at this point.

 

just kind of venting/questioning out loud

sinnister Established Member

sinnister

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I truly thank you guys who have taken the time to read and respond - all of you have thoughtful answers that are true and helpful and encouraging and I'm so thankful for this website and the posters who helped

 

I can't help though that it still hurts more than any physical or emotional trauma I've ever been through and that I think about this mysterious seemingly better-than-me girl that he's with now. He must really like her after 2 weeks to tell me, who he's known for 10 years and dated for a few of those more recent years, that its ok if we never talk again. (and THAT has definitely not sunk in; im in denial that I'll never talk to him again - like really? 2 Weeks and you're going to throw me away for the rest of your life?)

 

He's never been in a relationship thats been less than a year and I know he wants to settle down as he's getting older. What happened to our wedding ideas we always talked about? What am I going to do? What happens when "the one" for you leaves? Can "the one" for you be a one-sided street?

 

To LS: How do you not care that you've been replaced? I can't even fathom being with someone else at this point.

 

just kind of venting/questioning out loud

 

People that say they can tolerate it r lying or very passive. There's no way a human being can feel that betrayed...the only thing I can tell you is that it's his failings again and living with that kind of shame..burn...will rot all the good you have inside if you let it. It's hard when you find you were in love with either an illusion or a callous person...or simply someone that values your time together in such a flippant way. But just remember, not the cliche that it's his loss..but it's his failing. He needed her to fill a void that would be deep w/out you there...being the dumper...it shows a total lack of depth that with all the power from the demise, they were that insecure to really see what was wrong in the r/s..in their failings in it...or can be alone to collect themselves. That lack of introspection will cheat them in the end..as they will be bested by a person more shallow than they r, or they will be emptied and shamed by someone they initially tricked as having something deep...but found embarrassingly that they had nothing to offer. At any rate, many of his friends already see it, even if they don't say it...take solace in that.

Kodo Established Member

Kodo

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To LS: How do you not care that you've been replaced? I can't even fathom being with someone else at this point.

 

I do care. It's the most painful things I can endure. I've even said it to the boys I know in person. Knowing your woman is with another man while you still want to be with her, is one of the most painful feelings we males will ever experience (of course it applies to females but it's easier to relate with other males about it).

 

And you're not meant to fathom being with someone else right now. Because logically you don't want anyone else. You wanted this person. That's your commitment right there.

 

This is the toughest part that requires a great deal of time. Unlike irrational people, our pain won't be solved by going out and rebounding or chasing the ex, or anything like that.

geegirl Established Member

geegirl

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To LS: How do you not care that you've been replaced? I can't even fathom being with someone else at this point.

 

just kind of venting/questioning out loud

 

It's too soon for you to not care. It's normal to to feel the way you do. It was the most painful thing I had to experience. In my case, knowing he chose someone else, seeing who she was and seeing him sexually with her. The hardest part was comparing myself to her and in that same tone, beating myself down to a pulp because all I could think of was that she was better than me. So not only did his betrayal crush me, I was starting to diminish myself by comparing myself to her. But it's normal to have these thoughts just as long as you don't keep yourself in that mode for too long. At some point you will have to start turning things around for yourself.

 

Only time and what you do with that time will help you wrap your head around these thoughts and help with your healing. Cliche but it's just how it works.

 

You can't fathom it because you've only wanted to be with him. He's left a void and no one can fill it but him.

Nohbody Established Member

Nohbody

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My ex left me for an Irishman in a country in Eastern Europe and a job that pays 300 dollars a month. The absurdity helps, but being replaced (for inferior product, no less) is very painful, and you are certainly not alone.

shortee143 Established Member

shortee143

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I am terribly sorry you feel this way- but I myself know what is it like, as does almost everyone here, and the posts before mine gave some great advice insight for you and myself.

 

I see my ex as we have the same friends and he lives with them, and I had to see him leave and go up to his room to have sex with someone else. Like someone mentioned, the pain of knowing your ex is with someone else, when that person used to be you, is excruciating.

 

I too feel like heartbreak is some of the worst pain I have ever felt. I have had my heart broke twice, and I got thru it the first time, and I will get thru it this time. You WILL be ok and everything you feel is NORMAL! What your ex did is heartless, and you did not deserve it. Hang in there girl!!!

bittersweet memories Established Member

bittersweet memories

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thanks you guys.

 

vent: I miss him. Its weird going to bed and he's not here, and I know exactly where he is/ who he is with.

 

He even asked for his stuff back - i've never had the "its over" line before and it feels so final. I even got the "If we never talk after this conversation I hope you have a wonderful life"... I just get hysterical when I think I'll never talk to him again - It's sad to look at my phone and realize it's never going to be him on the other end.

 

How am i supposed to go to bed alone, sad and crying, knowing he's living with her and going to bed with her, giving her a good night kiss / cuddle that i loved so much, instead of me?

 

anyone else feel like dying or giving up or that it's never gunna get better? I don't want to be with anyone but him. I'll be miserable without him forever I feel. I'll never move on from him because I love him so much.

 

I PROMISE you it will get better. You need to grieve. Keep yourself busy and surround yourself with family and friends. Get out and do things.

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california15 Established Member

california15

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Day 3 NC. Still crying pretty much all day, everyday. except to get my mail. I pull myself together to walk to the end of the walkway once a day.

 

already did the blocked number/FB delete (right after the phone call) and thankfully I don't have to see him at work (I can't imagine how painful it is for those who have to 1) see their ex regularly 2) see their ex with the new person - my heart goes out for you and I don't know how you find that courage, esp when I'm so hysterical and depressed that I've been replaced...)

 

Normal?: I still check my phone though probably every hour to see if he's tried to say hi or that he made a mistake, or a "hey sweetheart miss you" text I know will never come - As previously mentioned I'm still in denial that I will never be in contact with him again, after we were such a big part of each other's lives for so long, and if I truly sit there and think about how it's never going to be him for the rest of my life when my phone goes off because he's too happy with her to even bother with me, then it's like a panic attack almost.

 

I should be the one he comes home to after work on a friday night and goes to dinner and a movie with to relax... the one who should be having a lazy-all-day-in-bed saturday with. Not this new 2 week whatever-you-wanna-call-her.

 

The nights and the weekends are the worst... and this just my first one!

John Davis Member

John Davis

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We were on the rocks for a month, but then he called yesterday...

 

He said he was sorry, but his feelings changed and he was happy with someone else and it took him by surprise how happy she makes him

 

Said He won't contact me anymore, said for me to be respectful of the new relationship but I could call whenever I healed enough to be friends

 

Its been 2 weeks with her and already he mentioned they were moving in together and she's "the one"

 

that I need to move on and find someone who can make me happy like he couldn't

 

Its been 24 hours since this phone call and I have no will to go on. Its never going to get better... he's gone... prolly sleeping with her as I type this...

 

he's gone. and so is my faith that I'll be better. Him = my life. Him = gone. My life = ?

 

i've never been in this much pain

Think about all the bad things, the things that anger you. The things that annoy you. Would you want someone like that in your life? Are you sure? I don't think so.

stray Established Member

stray

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Here's the thing: he's not the man you think you love. You can't possibly love someone who would disrespect you so badly. And yes, he disrespected you terribly. No decent person would leave a partner they've been with for several years for someone they've known for two weeks. It doesn't matter if he feels "'happy" with this new person; NO DECENT PERSON would leave their friend and partner who has been by their side for YEARS, for someone they've been seeing for two weeks. Period. His actions demonstrate that the problem isn't that there's something "wrong" with you, there is only something wrong with the way you are viewing him. He's an as*hole. Maybe at one point, he didn't know how to embrace his inner as*hole, so he appeared to be a nice guy. But let me tell you, from someone who's been through this exact situation (and MORE), you will find as time goes on that this man is not a catch at all. Additionally, any woman who would allow a man to leave his girlfriend of several years, after knowing her for two weeks, and then live with him, is a selfish, needy, and frankly, a stupid woman. The life he has left you to live is deplorable under the circumstances. And the words he said to you to finalize the break up were completely unnecessary. Unfortunately, I would go as far as to say he probably meant to hurt you. Because to him, his ego is more important than you, or this new skank face he's dating. When she stops feeding his ego, he will leave her too. Thank your LUCKY STARS you're wasting no more time on this man. I promise you, what goes around comes around, and he will get his. It's not gonna be on your time, so don't wait for it. But it'll happen, and you will get justice and closure. I promise. Stay strong, stay who you ARE - a good, decent, valuable human being. And know that you are better than this; in your heart you know. Listen to it, and everything will be ok.

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california15 Established Member

california15

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Thanks... I'm not really a mean person but I do find myself wishing that someone will rip his heart out like he ripped mine... He had a horrible break up before me where he got burned badly... so maybe this was his 'revenge' ?

 

I'm in the phone battle era I think...

 

I feel like turning it off for days, because its easier to not know if he tried to contact me rather than to know he hasn't contacted me... but I don't because work or my family may need to reach me.

 

I hate checking it a million times only to see its empty, and my heart races when it rings or dings because I hope its him, only to know it will never be him again as long as I live, so I end up not reading the texts from my friends because I'm dissappointed.

 

When did you guys stop incessantly checking your phones? Do you ever? I feel like I can't be normal at the moment because I can't treat my phone like all my friends do and just read my texts normally and answer it when it rings and check it only when it goes off.

stray Established Member

stray

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Oh he'll call you, or text you. Someday, you're gonna hear that ding, and think it's your new boyfriend, or something having to do with your new life, but nope, it'll be him. And when that happens, you're going to tell him to go f*ck himself. Because by that time, you'll be over him and you'll know you deserve better. And it'll hit you at that very moment that you ACTUALLY really deserve better, and that you want nothing to do with him. I predict this scenario will happen anywhere between 4-8 months from now.

 

But to answer your question, it took me about 2 weeks to not automatically "wonder" if it was him calling or texting. And it took me about 1 month to realize there was the potential we may never speak again.

 

However, you will speak to him again. But I promise you when you do, you'll want absolutely nothing to do with him. In the mean time, you need to close the door on him, and open new doors. This is a new chapter in your life, and you're the writer.

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california15 Established Member

california15

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doesn't make it suck less, but I'm trying to see the good in all this; at least the relationship ended and I know he has a new girl all in the same day... that at least 2 sad things happened at once so i can deal with them together.

 

Everyone has given wonderful advice; kodo, stray, John Davis, bittersweet, shortee, nohbody, geegirl, sinnister. and thanks to everyone who took the time to read it, even if no response was left, I still appreciate it - maybe you can relate and hopefully the advice left will help a reader.

 

made a good step today though!; packed all his clothes, DVDs, games, etc into boxes to give him. Not ready yet to physically rid myself of it, (and not sure how that's going to go down other than I know it won't be in person), but I put it all away and packed it in boxes - with no note.

 

and I didn't get upset :)

stray Established Member

stray

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Good for you! And yes, better to rip off both band aids (the break up and his new so-called 'relationship') at the same time. Good has already come out of this, and your life will dramatically improve sooner than you can possibly fathom. Also, I suggest you check out the website "Baggage Reclaim' - check out her articles on "Mr. Unavailables" and "Assclowns" - might shed some light.

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california15 Established Member

california15

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thanks for the website - i had never heard of it before

TearyEyedPride Established Member

TearyEyedPride

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SMH. You gave me some of the most insightful advice to help me try and reclaim the pieces of myself and I'm so sorry that you are dealing with a jerk like this.

 

Our situations are similar but different, my heart goes out to you as well. You seem to already have the key and a head start on me, so I look forward to being inspired by your progress. :)

  • 3 weeks later...
minitea New Member

minitea

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Good for you! And yes, better to rip off both band aids (the break up and his new so-called 'relationship') at the same time. Good has already come out of this, and your life will dramatically improve sooner than you can possibly fathom. Also, I suggest you check out the website "Baggage Reclaim' - check out her articles on "Mr. Unavailables" and "Assclowns" - might shed some light.

 

Sharing this website is GREATLY appreciated...explains a lot about my Assclown's bad behavior, but more importantly, helps me realize that I need to shift my focus from said Assclown back to myself. Thanks.

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