Was I A Rebound Or A One YEAR Stand?

[ItsRainingAgain]

Sorry it's kind of long

 

 

Even though I haven't posted until now...

I just wanted to thank many of the members here on LS forum.

You have been very helpfull to me in my darkest days...

getting through this breakup.

I still am in denial that it is over. Then when I realize it maybe over ...I just break down and come here to LS.

I maybe one of the older members here, I am 43. ( he is 47) I haven't felt this heartbroken since my 20's.

 

June 15th would of been our one year mark. Someone here at LS also mentioned it's hard during different seasons...

well this summer will be my season where it's going to be really hard to get through.

 

We met last year through a mutual friend (june 15)..I wasn't looking for anybody and he wasn't either.

Our relationship really developed in July. We spent so much time together (me mostly at his house) it feels like more than a year.

We both were seperated from our last relationship for one year.

I was never married (nor do I ever want to be)

He was married and is still to this day going through a divorse (2 years seperated)...that's what I think it has to do with,

I am not sure and I can't for the life of me figure it out.

 

Last time I saw him we got into an arguement on Easter night (April 24), I went home to my apartment like many times

when we argue...he let's a couple days go by then calls me and blames it on the beer, always tells me don't go when he is like that...but I do.

The arguement that night was about his wedding album...he mentioned the wedding album a couple of times before that night...he said that he still has it because she wants it. There are a few things at his house that

he has to hand over to the lawyers...like an ATV, mail etc.

But that Easter night he was in the shower asked me to go into his dresser drawer and get him the package of razors...

sure enough there is that wedding album right under the razors...he always wanted me to look at a picture of her (i didn't want to)

was this his way of me looking? Who knows but I didn't. So that's how the fight started. I left.

 

 

Few days gone by (April 29 Friday) and I emailed him saying once I get on my feet again i will repay him for everything he has done for me.

He replied back saying how much he loves me (all through the relationship he has been very open with his feelings) and he misses me and to call him.

So I did but I was at a friends out of town so didn't see him that day.

The next day I didn't go over because the lawyers and the wife was going there to pick up her belongings....

well that is when he changed..into this angry person...I didn't help by saying "why don't you go back and F her"

he replied "maybe I will" He also mentioned if I just looked at the picture you wouldn't be saying that.

I only said that because he was telling me that he helped move the ATV for her and that she left her jacket at his house (probably did it on purpose) and the fact that his tone and attitude changed

toward me after seeing her and he went from saying how much he loved me (4/29) to this very angry man.(4/30)

 

Didn't know what the No Contact rule was...wish I did a month ago. Where were you LS'ers then. lol

 

I had and have a lot of court dates to go to and I am pretty much by myself except at the time he was there for me...

he always said even if we were fighting he would still be there for me.

I called him a week before the court date and I asked him if he would still be there...he said to call him next week....but i didn't....

I thought if he still cared for me he would be there like he promised.

Well court date came May 12 I called him in the parking garage and asked if he was here at the court house..he replied "NOPE"

I hung up and called him back while I was waiting to be called in...he was very cold but talked to me.

I asked to get some of my belongings while I was on my way home from court, (just a bunch of little odds and ends ..

.hair straightner, umbrellas, some clothes, a "picture" of me, and things we both picked up from his neighbors house for the garage sale I do

...anyway he said "Not Today"

.He also mentioned he would drop the things off to me at the garage sale. (that's right near his house.)

 

See LSers I didn't learn about the NC rule yet. And still didn't...

 

 

So after a few days went by I decided to email him since he wasn't talking to me too nice over the phone, and he always hangs up on me.

I sent a long email saying how I was feeling and again went on about my blongings..after I poured my guts out in this email he responded back by email "Not yours" meaning all of those things. (not him which I thought for a minute) I even emailed him back saying I would come over the next day around 5 to pick it up...he called me right away saying I only wanted to go over his house to see if his wife moved back in.

He started yealling at me and saying "you didn't know how good you had it until it was gone"

Started yelling "look at you calling and emailing me". He loved when I use to email him...I am the one that tought him a lot about his computer.

So like an idiot after that phone call...I sent him ONE more email...the subject line :"Last email ...I promise" So I just said sorry it had to end this way and I will move on and how I was hurt.

And I told him if he drops those things off of the garage sale fine..

.if not I said they are only material things and I can easily replace them...I said I couln't replace the last year of my life.

 

Finally I started the NC FINALLY...that was over two weeks ago.

I know for a fact he keeps checking his email to see if I emailed him.Sometimes he checks it a few times a day.

...I was the only one that use to email him....that and junk mail that he just deletes.He is so stubborn and thick headed I don't think he will ever contact me again...and after reading about NC here and other websites I know it is for the best.

If anyone ever thinks to contact the dumper....DON'T....You WILL be hurt even more MUCH MORE!

I feel so used. I just want some kind of closure from him and he won't give it to me. I feel like the whole year he was just lying to me about his feelings.

The not knowing if it was all lies or he went back to his ex (that he use to yell about all the time) is killing me slowly....

 

Sorry if this post is long but even if no one reads it or responds...it kind of helps.

 

Is he playing Games (at his age), Was I just a Rebound, Or was I Used...

[ItsRainingAgain]

OK, it has been 3 weeks I haven't contacted him (No Contact Rule)....I am feeling worse...I broke down tonight to see if there was another car in his driveway (the one he is trying to get a divorse with) There was not.....it didn't make me feel beter....I think I was wishing there was the car there.....it would bring me closure...

[Trovador]

I understand you very well, as the whole thing with my ex started when she was breaking up with his bf (something I never knew until later). Sometimes I think that when she was over her ex, it was time to terminate me ha ha...

 

Stay strong and try to focus in yourself rather than in his life or what he might be thinking or doing... you are doing fine with your three weeks of NC and you should keep doing it, with the sole purpose of healing and finding the life you have always wanted for yourself...

 

Let's show ourselves and the whole world that we can and we are going to be happy without them (those common persons we sanctify here with the name of "exes"...

[guccimane99]

This honestly goes to show how ****ed up people are. Did this guy have a bad childhood or something??? But seriously this guy sounds like a mess run and run far away. I am a catholic guy raised on catholic traditions and i believed that there was good in everyone until i met this girl like 7 or 8 months ago. She was not a good person and as much as it hurt for me to lie to her and tell her she was a good person i still hate myself. I look at it this way always end on a good note. Therefore, when you look back and they look back they say wow i ****ed up i lost a good person. Unless your a bad person but from the looks and what ur saying you arent, but then again there are two sides of every story.

[ItsRainingAgain]

I understand you very well, as the whole thing with my ex started when she was breaking up with his bf (something I never knew until later). Sometimes I think that when she was over her ex, it was time to terminate me ha ha...

 

Stay strong and try to focus in yourself rather than in his life or what he might be thinking or doing... you are doing fine with your three weeks of NC and you should keep doing it, with the sole purpose of healing and finding the life you have always wanted for yourself...

 

Let's show ourselves and the whole world that we can and we are going to be happy without them (those common persons we sanctify here with the name of "exes"...

 

Thanks for your reply...and as to "show ourselves and the whole world that we can and we are going to be happy without them..." I know one day we can and will be... it's just hard getting to that happy place.

 

The longer the NC the harder...other people in this forum say it's getting easier...to me the longer NC the more I have to realize it's over...I still don't believe it yet...until I do maybe then I can be happy.

 

Did your gf go back to her ex?

[ItsRainingAgain]

This honestly goes to show how ****ed up people are. Did this guy have a bad childhood or something??? But seriously this guy sounds like a mess run and run far away. I am a catholic guy raised on catholic traditions and i believed that there was good in everyone until i met this girl like 7 or 8 months ago. She was not a good person and as much as it hurt for me to lie to her and tell her she was a good person i still hate myself. I look at it this way always end on a good note. Therefore, when you look back and they look back they say wow i ****ed up i lost a good person. Unless your a bad person but from the looks and what ur saying you arent, but then again there are two sides of every story.

 

Thanks for your reply. I should of ran in the begining and I shouldn't feel this loss I am feeling right now...I should be happy that he ended it with me...but I am not, I am a good person...he will be saying "...wow i ****ed up i lost a good person." He has issues...I don't think he will be able to find someone that will put up with his problems (the wife, the mood swings, the drinking etc.) like I did.

 

Why would you hate yourself for telling her she is a good person?

[Trovador]

I've learned all this suffering is just an ego thing... as if I was the second coming for my ex. How she dare not to love me!?

 

I am not saying this is what you should think nor that I am the most mature person in the world, but since I accepted that my ex was going to live her life without me, I've felt better...

 

And since we can't do anything at all about the whole thing, we might let them go as well...

 

I for one declare that my happiness doesn't depend on her or someone else...

 

I wish you a nice today!

[ItsRainingAgain]

I've learned all this suffering is just an ego thing... as if I was the second coming for my ex. How she dare not to love me!?

 

I am not saying this is what you should think nor that I am the most mature person in the world, but since I accepted that my ex was going to live her life without me, I've felt better...

 

And since we can't do anything at all about the whole thing, we might let them go as well...

 

I for one declare that my happiness doesn't depend on her or someone else...

 

I wish you a nice today!

 

Could be my bruised ego...but I will never know because I don't even know why this happened. I read in a thread from Downtown about BPD...it sounds like him. He went from clingy...couldn't be away from me for a few hours to now angry, and not wanting anything to do with me. I just want some kind of closure...the not knowing what happened is really bothering me. Until then maybe then I can delare that my happiness doesn't depent on him or anyone.

 

I wish you a nice today too!

[Downtown]

I read in a thread from Downtown about BPD...it sounds like him. He went from clingy...couldn't be away from me for a few hours to now angry, and not wanting anything to do with me.

IRA, I'm glad to hear you found the BPD information in InAndOuttaLove's thread helpful. I provide a more detailed description of typical BPDer behavior in Inigo's thread. My two posts start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2826453#post2826453. Those posts describe a BPDer who acts out by throwing temper tantrums and being verbally abusive.

 

For a description of BPDers who "act in" (i.e., the "quiet BPDers"), I suggest you look at my three posts in Katt's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3361912#post3361912. If either of those two discussions ring a bell, I would be glad to try to answer any questions you have about them or to point you to an online article that can. Take care, IRA.

[ItsRainingAgain]

IRA, I'm glad to hear you found the BPD information in InAndOuttaLove's thread helpful. I provide a more detailed description of typical BPDer behavior in Inigo's thread. My two posts start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2826453#post2826453. Those posts describe a BPDer who acts out by throwing temper tantrums and being verbally abusive.

 

For a description of BPDers who "act in" (i.e., the "quiet BPDers"), I suggest you look at my three posts in Katt's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3361912#post3361912. If either of those two discussions ring a bell, I would be glad to try to answer any questions you have about them or to point you to an online article that can. Take care, IRA.

 

Thank you Downtown. I have been reading up on BPD ...he isn't the "quiet" one that's for sure...I have a lot more reading to do but this explains a lot. I read somewhere that something could trigger his behavoir...it makes sence...the day after seeing his ex wife is when he dumped me...I thought it was him going back to her (2 years seperated) but that is probably why he was so angry with me...blaming me for everything....like I was the bad person...when infact I didn't do anything to hurt him or make him angry.

 

I will have questions once I learn some more. Thanks again.

[ItsRainingAgain]

Ok now it has been 4 weeks and I did not break NC.

I am not feeling any better...infact worse....the more time that goes on I know I have to accept that it is over....but I still can't.

 

I have not seen him since April 24th. We live so close and go to the same stores and we have still not seen each other.

 

I sell things out of my uncles building every weekend (garage sale) and it is a few blocks away from my (ex) boyfriends house, just yesterday he drove by ( I thought was him) and drove by again (thinking again) now there is another way to go to the store that is down the street. I had to ask the owner that I know at the store if it was him...he said it was. Well in that truck there was TWO people....don't know if it was another women or not. Why would he break my heart and then do this to me. It is getting worse...but I will not break the NC.... even though it is so hard.

[Downtown]

IRA, thanks for the update. I'm so glad to hear that you are still maintaining NC. Have you had a chance to read more about BPD traits to see if most of the nine traits seem to apply to him?

[trippi1432]

Sorry Downtown....gonna burst your BPD bubble again. OP...save yourself the trouble of trying to diagnose him...this will not help you to understand the emotional dynamic he was going through. Even though they had been going thru a divorce for a couple of years does not mean that there is not some residual feelings there. Did he take them out on you...yes, by what you have laid out here.

 

The question you really need to ask yourself is if you want to be the punching bag to the things he wishes he could say to her but doesn't. NC until he figures it out, this isn't something you can fix by trying to figure it out...he has to figure it out on his own. If he contacts you, make him accountable that his issues are with her, not you.

[ItsRainingAgain]

IRA, thanks for the update. I'm so glad to hear that you are still maintaining NC. Have you had a chance to read more about BPD traits to see if most of the nine traits seem to apply to him?

 

 

He has all of those traits..the suicide he has brought up that he attempted years ago but not recently.

 

I do believe he has BPD. And it's not just me that he has these moods with. His brother moved in shortly after we got together and he threw him and his girlfriend out of the house back in April. Right after dumping me the brother and girlfriend are back living there. Also the mutual friend that introduced us...he cut him out of his life almost a year ago. They were good friends...and now he wants nothing to do with him....he always asked me in the begining if I ever dated him....which I didn't. (he is my best friends ex)

 

He was so clingy in the begining...so extreme that even if I took a shower he would open the door and talk to me....when I went home for a few hours he was always calling. That is why this is so hard....for someone to go from not being able to be away from me to this hatred towards me. He said some awful things over the phone right after the breakup...making up these stupid reasons why he was angry towards me.

 

I know he won't try to contact me....he is so stubburn and too much time has past. He had said things in the begining of our relationship that should of prepared myself for this. He brought up past relationships and how he just cut them out of his life.

 

I do want to know if someone with these strong BPD traits ever go back after all this time (almost two monthes)? I read somewhere ...absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder with someone with BPD...it grows colder. Is that true?

 

Thanks Downtown.

[Downtown]

I do believe he has BPD.

IRA, we will never know whether he "has BPD" because only a professional can make that determination and -- as I've explained in other threads -- it is unlikely a therapist would tell him the true diagnosis (if he has BPD) unless he is low functioning. For your purposes, it really does not matter whether his BPD traits are so strong as to meet the diagnositic threshold. One reason is that, even when the traits fall well short of that level, they can easily destroy marriages and friendships, making your life miserable.

 

Another reason it doesn't matter, for your purposes, is that BPD traits are not something he "has" or "does not have." That would be true only if this "disorder" were a disease. In every field of the medical sciences, "disorder" means exactly that, a "disease." And, of course, a person either has or does not have a disease. In psychology, however, the ten personality "disorders" are not ten separate diseases. Rather, they are only classificatory devices for the grouping of dysfunctional symptoms commonly observed occurring together. Nobody knows whether they all are caused by the same disease or, instead, by dozens of different diseases. At this point, then, BPD is simply a group of symptoms (i.e., behavioral traits).

 

Like body temperature and muscle aches, the BPD traits (e.g., verbally abusive) are symptoms that everyone has. The important issue is not whether someone "has" or "does not have" a body temperature or muscle ache. Rather, the important issue is whether the temperature or muscle ache is so severe as to impair normal functioning. Similarly, the BPD traits become a problem only when they are so strong as to undermine the person's ability to sustain LTRs with loved ones and close friends (as you believe to be the case with your exBF).

 

These traits are easy to spot when you see strong occurrences in a man you've been dating for a year. I therefore suggest you refer to them as "strong BPD traits," which only means that they are stronger than the normal traits you see in emotionally healthy individuals. Because "a person having strong BPD traits" is a mouthful, I usually refer to such a person in short hand as a "BPDer," noting that a BPDer's traits may fall well below the diagnostic level and he therefore may not "have BPD."

 

I mention all this because it may save you some grief from a few members on this forum who fear that any discussion of BPD traits is fraught with danger and constitutes an attempt to diagnose an actual disease. The imagined danger is that we would somehow identify the wrong disease, never mind that BPD is not a disease. It is a group of symptoms.

 

Significantly, if you go to any of the hundreds of forums devoted to medical issues, you will find thousands of people discussing their symptoms all day long -- without a single person objecting that they are all "trying to diagnose" or "trying to be armchair doctors." Everyone realizes that it is fine to discuss symptoms. Indeed, the first thing a doctor will ask us during an office visit is "What are your symptoms?"

 

Whenever BPD symptoms are discussed, however, it is not uncommon for a forum member to allege that the discussion constitutes an attempt to "diagnose." This confusion -- the mistaking of "a group of symptoms" for "a disease" -- seems to arise from the unusual use of the term "disorder" by psychologists which, as I explained above, is inconsistent with its usage throughout the medical sciences.

And it's not just me that he has these moods with. His brother moved in shortly after we got together and he threw him and his girlfriend out of the house back in April. ... Also the mutual friend that introduced us...he cut him out of his life almost a year ago. They were good friends...and now he wants nothing to do with him.

If your exBF has strong BPD traits, this behavior is not unexpected. As you already know, BPDers do black-white thinking, wherein they categorize everyone as "all good" or "all bad." Because this has a disastrous effect on friendships, BPDers tend not to have any LTRs with close friends unless they live a long distance apart.

He said some awful things over the phone right after the breakup...making up these stupid reasons why he was angry towards me.

If he is a BPDer, he likely does not know himself why he is so angry with you. He nonetheless feels such an intense dislike for you that he is convinced you must be at fault. This is why, in a good therapy program, one of the first things he would be taught is how to intellectually challenge is intense feelings instead of accepting them as truths that reflect reality.

I do want to know if someone with these strong BPD traits ever go back after all this time (almost two months)? I read somewhere ...absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder with someone with BPD...it grows colder. Is that true?

Because BPDers are emotionally unstable, you never know whether they will start splitting you white again. They don't know themselves. My exW, for example, alternated between splitting me black and white about every two weeks for 15 years -- and then one day split me black permanently. From what I've read online from other ex-partners, it seems common for a BPDer to walk out of the relationship after about 12 to 15 years due to his increasing resentment of the partner's inability to make him happy. Yet, because you only dated your exBF for a year, I would say the chances are good that he will try returning to you after giving up on his exW.

[ItsRainingAgain]

Sorry Downtown....gonna burst your BPD bubble again. OP...save yourself the trouble of trying to diagnose him...this will not help you to understand the emotional dynamic he was going through. Even though they had been going thru a divorce for a couple of years does not mean that there is not some residual feelings there. Did he take them out on you...yes, by what you have laid out here.

 

The question you really need to ask yourself is if you want to be the punching bag to the things he wishes he could say to her but doesn't. NC until he figures it out, this isn't something you can fix by trying to figure it out...he has to figure it out on his own. If he contacts you, make him accountable that his issues are with her, not you.

 

You are right about being the "punching bag"... he often said when he argued with me... "you always take it out on the person closes to you".

 

He does want the divorse...I went with him a couple of times to the court house and she was a no show.

 

I know even if he did contact me (which I doubt) I would have to tell him,,,we can't move forward until the divorse was finalized.

 

I do believe Downtown though. My ex has the BPD traits and I am not the only one he takes it out on. He is on meds. for depression, but I believe the meds he is on are for more than depression.

 

Thank you for your input.

[ItsRainingAgain]

First Thank you Downtown, i have read your last reply and will be re-reading it a few times when I can really absorb it...

 

last couple of days have been reaaly hard on me...

 

Today would of been out 1 year mark. The day his friend introduced us to each other...Does he even know this... does he even think about me at all?

 

Reading through so many posts here on LS is so heartbreaking....how can people be so cruel to others...the ones they "love"

[4NewRoad]

Sorry Downtown....gonna burst your BPD bubble again. OP...save yourself the trouble of trying to diagnose him...this will not help you to understand the emotional dynamic he was going through. Even though they had been going thru a divorce for a couple of years does not mean that there is not some residual feelings there. Did he take them out on you...yes, by what you have laid out here.

 

The question you really need to ask yourself is if you want to be the punching bag to the things he wishes he could say to her but doesn't. NC until he figures it out, this isn't something you can fix by trying to figure it out...he has to figure it out on his own. If he contacts you, make him accountable that his issues are with her, not you.

 

You are RIGHT and RIGHT. There will always be "residual damage" and us trying to "diagnose it" makes absolutely no difference...This is all just venting and getting it out of the system you know? And in my view dead on posts like yours help tons! Thanks for saying it!