Asking Others Who Have Been Through Reconciliation

[Bittersweetie]

I am currently struggling a bit and would appreciate any helpful thoughts or advice from others who have been through reconciliation. My story, short form:

 

We’ve been married 12 years, together 18, no children. I had a short A the summer of 2009, d-day being later that year. I wasn’t in contact with xOM a few months before d-day, and haven’t been since.

 

I have worked very, very hard on myself and our relationship since d-day, being in IC for almost two years along with having weekly discussions with my H (we kind of do our own MC) since d-day. My H has recognizes that I have worked through many issues (peeling the onion, he calls it). I've completed group therapy for one more challenging issue. Some days things are really good.

 

Yet we are unsure how to move forward. In a recent conversation we talked about where we see ourselves in five years. Both of us thought sometimes we saw us with the other, sometimes not. I’m not really sure what to make of that. Sometimes I feel like we’re together just because we’ve been together so long and are comfortable and he has voiced this thought out loud as well. Plus there's the whole issue of kids which is coming to a head.

 

I wonder where we should go from here. And to be honest I have trouble trusting myself after I made such a terrible choice and colossal error in judgment. I just want to do the right thing for both of us so we can both be happy.

 

Does anyone who has been through this have any advice or thoughts? Thank you.

[Snowflower]

Yet we are unsure how to move forward. In a recent conversation we talked about where we see ourselves in five years. Both of us thought sometimes we saw us with the other, sometimes not. I’m not really sure what to make of that. Sometimes I feel like we’re together just because we’ve been together so long and are comfortable and he has voiced this thought out loud as well. Plus there's the whole issue of kids which is coming to a head.

 

I wonder where we should go from here. And to be honest I have trouble trusting myself after I made such a terrible choice and colossal error in judgment. I just want to do the right thing for both of us so we can both be happy.

 

Does anyone who has been through this have any advice or thoughts? Thank you.

 

I think it is perfectly normal and even healthy for both partners to do a serious reassessment of the relationship, especially after infidelity.

 

Infidelity is a dealbreaker in a marital relationship. I don't mean that in a harsh way but likely you knew this when you got involved in the affair and your H knew it after d-day.

 

So what is one of the effect of this dealbreaker? It makes both partners reassess whether the other person and the relationship itself is still right for them as individuals and together.

 

IMO, a healthy reconciliation does not occur without exploring the "dealbreaker" issue. IMO and from my experience, my H and I both had to consider what it would be like to not have the other one in our life. Suddenly, a different future was possible or even inviting.

 

I think all this "rumination" and exploration is healthy. And for each couple it is different. Some couples separate immediately after d-day and explore their feelings individually at first and then as a possible couple again later.

 

Other couples stay together and work through these issues side by side. They may work through it together or eventually separate and divorce.

 

At 2 years after d-day is when I think a lot of these types of issues come to a head. I read somewhere that for couples who do not immediately divorce after d-day, the next most likely time is at about 18-24 months after d-day. By this point, enough time and emotional distance has likely given each partner some clarity and maybe their individual perspectives have changed.

 

I know the second year of reconciliation was very, very difficult for my H and me. It showed us how far as well as not so very far we had come and where we still had to go.

 

It was a lot better for us after we reached the 2 year mark.

 

My .02

[seren]

I agree absolutely with Snowflower (great response by the way) the A never just goes away, it is always a part of the history of the relationship, I sometimes think that people assume that D day and reconciliation afterwards is like clicking your fingers and it all fades away, it doesn't. The reassessing of the new relationship, for that is what it is, can get muddled with what we thought it was and that our partners are the same people, when we find that they really aren't who we understood them to be. It is bound to throw things off kilter.

 

I found there came a time when the looking backwards became less and the focus became the moving on. It often became scary to think of making new dreams and plans for the future after the A, the what if it happened again feelings often halted any promise of a long and happy future, it resulted in a subconscious, don't hope feeling and put the brakes on any forward thinking. I cannot say when this lessened, but it did. The A, while never absent, became not the focus for my thoughts, but the realisation that what we now had was better (yes I said that) than we had before, that we (me especially) was able to see that my H of over 20 years was flawed, that I had contributed to the breakdown of communication in our marriage and that we had fixed our problems, enabled us to plan.

 

It is perhaps that you are at the stage when you are ready to take the leap of faith, to let go of and perhaps are no longer needing the constant checking of your realtionship and are ready to just enjoy it for what it is. IDK, just assuming. I think it's when you believe you can trust with you, that true healing has taken place and that there can be hope for the future. if it seems that it will never happen and if the anger remains then I would have to end it (divorce that is). I had never considered a divorce as I knew that we could work through it, but then the nature of each A is different and some are harder to forgive or understand than others.

[Bittersweetie]

Thank you so much Snowflower and Seren for your thoughtful replies, they have given me much to think about. I also appreciate that you are willing to share your experiences with me. Thank you.

[Owl]

You mentioned that you "kinda do our own MC".

 

While having the ability to communicate honestly and openly like that is awesome (and something my wife and I had to learn as well), there's still a lot to be said for having a neutral 3rd party in the room, especially one who can offer suggestions on alternative methods and options when the ones you're using seem to be resulting in stalemate.

 

So the question is...what are you doing to CHANGE things, or IMPROVE things?

 

You're discussing how you both feel...both of you seem to feel like things are "blase". So what are you changing to improve the odds? What are you doing to try to rekindle the feelings, rebuild the connection?

[Bittersweetie]

Hi Owl,

 

Thanks for the thoughts. I guess I can only speak for myself in terms of what I’m doing to change and improve things. I used to not share my thoughts or feelings as much, so now I make it a point to do so no matter how uncomfortable it makes me, because in the long run it’s better for both of us. Instead of being generally crabby, I’ll explain to my H why and what I need from him (space, a hug, problem-solving) so as not to create misunderstandings or resentment. I try to cook dinner more often, and do things that used to be my H’s domain, so we share more responsibilities, and he does likewise. That’s just a few things.

 

And I think through these actions, it has built up some trust and closeness. However, to your question on rebuilding the spark, the connection? That I’m not so sure. I need to think about that. Our sparks were so long ago I’m not sure if I remember. I will ask him his thoughts on sparks and connections and see what he says. I’ll also ask about professional MC. He was kind of against that at first which is why we worked on our own. Maybe his feelings have changed.

 

Thank you.

[Bittersweetie]

I think it is perfectly normal and even healthy for both partners to do a serious reassessment of the relationship, especially after infidelity.

 

 

I've been thinking about this all day, and I believe it's true that we both are reassessing each other and the relationship. I think I may have initially interpreted that as a negative but after reading your post I can see how it is a positive. May I ask how many years you are out from d-day?

[Bittersweetie]

I sometimes think that people assume that D day and reconciliation afterwards is like clicking your fingers and it all fades away, it doesn't.

 

Like I said, I've been thinking about these points all day. I certainly don't expect everything to fade away, I realize it will always be there.There are times where we are looking forward, but other times not so much. It seems that we're at a turning point, and my plan is to continue to communicate as much as possible and not make any rash decisions.

 

I think it's when you believe you can trust with you, that true healing has taken place and that there can be hope for the future.

 

I am still struggling with this trust with myself. Not that I plan on doing an A again, but I still don't feel fully confident in my decision making abilities because of what I did. Which is why I don't want to rush into anything.

 

Thank you again for giving me your thoughts and perspective.

[Spark1111]

Oh boy....BTDT.

 

How much time do you plan to have romantic fun? Do you both plan evenings out, date nights, romantic times, fun times?

 

Think back to dating before marriage. The average is 15 hours per week on the phone, in the car, at the dining table where it was just you and him taking the time to fall in love with each other, taalk about your dreams, talk from the bottom of your souls.....no judgements, just listening and getting to know each other all over again.

 

This is the one reason affairs are fueled by so many emails and texts.....you are taking the time to connect emotionally just like dating.

 

Do you and your H take the time to have fun and romance? Do you scour the papers and try to find cheap fun, like free music in the park, or a day at the beach or a picnic by the lake?

 

Because that is what romantically connected people do. They plan for romance, just like when you dated your H! Send cards? Surprise flowers? plan really special gifts, one that would have true meaning to your spouse?

Little acts of service? Things that are special to him and what he likes? Initiate sex?

 

I understand there is so much on the plate; heal from infidelity (so, so painful and serious and necessary to do) and ager or ambivalence that comes up from your toes, especially around the two-year mark, but do NOT forget to have fun, and romance, and hot sex.

 

Even if you have to plan for it...Initiate it...be uninhibeted, spontaneous, exuberant.

 

As you work to restore trust and honesty and integrity, (all necessary and important and serious) please, please, please schedule fun! It will serve to remind you or refresh you as to why and how you fell deeply in love with your spouse to begin with!

[Snowflower]

I've been thinking about this all day, and I believe it's true that we both are reassessing each other and the relationship. I think I may have initially interpreted that as a negative but after reading your post I can see how it is a positive. May I ask how many years you are out from d-day?

 

I'm glad what I wrote helped you...I didn't see or understand what was happening (I mean reassessing everything) until I got through to the other side.

 

I was scared to talk to anyone about it because I feared their response would just be to just divorce if I was feeling that way. I don't think things are ever quite that pat or easy.

 

So instead, I turned it all on my H. I would constantly question whether or not we should stay together-whether he loved me enough-whether I could ever get over the affair.

 

That second year was a very difficult time for us and there were other things that happened during that time that made recovering even more difficult. They were definitely not affair-related or even relationship-related but outside events do have an impact on relationships. And a relationship that was crippled by infidelity is even more challenged.

 

From what you post, it looks like you and your H are about a year behind us in recovery time. My H and I are at 2.5 years past d-day and that still isn't very long because the typical recovery takes 2-5 years.

 

But we're getting there and my perspective has changed a lot. I think if you and your H can make it through this difficult time, you will come out the other side stronger and with a renewed resolve about what you both want to do about the future.

 

I also like Owl's suggestion of MC. Yes, you and your H might be communicating well but if you have reached an impasse, maybe some outside objective help will help you and your H gain some clarity.

 

And like Spark mentioned, schedule some time for some fun! It becomes exhausting to discuss and dissect your relationship...and that goes regardless of the infidelity.

 

My suggestion would be to find some new fun things to explore together now. You know, things you haven't tried before. I'm sure you have some standard fun things that you do/have done but now is the time to try some new things. Reinvent yourselves and your relationship...mix the old with the new. You will learn more about each other and yourselves along the way.

[John Michael Kane]

You're not sure what to make of it?

 

It's rather obvious: Neither of you is 100% committed to the marriage, not even close, two years after your affair.

 

I can sort of understand your h's saying that--but you? Why would YOU ever tell your h that you don't see yourself with him in the future--assuming that you actually want to reconcile?

 

At this point you should just get divorced, and definitely do NOT have children to try to "save the marriage." Your marriage is finished. If you weren't willing to take on the burden of a full commitment to the marriage after your affair, and now after two years' time that hasn't changed, it never will.

 

You are just wasting time at this point.

 

Either you make the decision to be 100% fully committed to your marriage, or forget about the whole thing. You can't be half-in, half-out. What your husband does is up to him, but you can't let your husband's ambivalence have any effect on your attitude. Of course he'll be ambivalent--you cheated on him, and even two years after the fact, you still aren't sure you want to stay married to him.

 

Get in, all the way, or get out.

 

Seems like getting out is the best option in this situation.

[Bittersweetie]

 

I can sort of understand your h's saying that--but you? Why would YOU ever tell your h that you don't see yourself with him in the future--assuming that you actually want to reconcile?

 

 

The reason I said this to him is because it is what I feel, and I am determined to be completely honest with my H. These thoughts come from a place where I wonder if we don't work things out, what would I be doing? I don’t believe it comes from not being totally committed, but it is something to think about and thank you for pointing that angle out. Also, in terms of kids, I am not considering having kids to “save the marriage.” That is not an option.

 

 

What your husband does is up to him, but you can't let your husband's ambivalence have any effect on your attitude.

 

This is a good point...I have let his ambivalence affect my attitude in the past. Thanks.

 

 

I was scared to talk to anyone about it because I feared their response would just be to just divorce if I was feeling that way. I don't think things are ever quite that pat or easy.

 

 

I totally understand this, but like I mentioned, I am determined to be honest with my H, so we are making choices based on reality and truth.

 

And like Spark mentioned, schedule some time for some fun! It becomes exhausting to discuss and dissect your relationship...and that goes regardless of the infidelity.

 

Actually we do plan on fun activities… just last weekend we (dating myself here) went to an 80s Alternative Dance Party. It was so much fun seeing him happily dancing to New Order. Considering we don’t have kids, we do go on date nights and other things often. I have realized how important this is not only to recovery but to a marriage in general.

 

Again, thank you all so much for the input.

[What_Next]

frozensprouts your post is quite comforting. The future is something that caused me to almost freeze (pardon the pun there) when I thought of it. I know now that largely that was out of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of being hurt again, just plain fear. There was no way around it, everytime our conversation ended up talking about the future I either froze or ended the conversation. It bothered me a lot as before our marriage fell apart the future was a certainty for us.

 

What I have since taken to doing is not focusing on it and letting it go. Now I still don't really want to put much brain power to it, but I am finding as time marches on it is getting easier.

 

Long and hard road, oh my lord yes. Also filled with potholes, ditches, roadblocks and bridges it seems. Crossing them is tough, but once they are crossed the rewards greatly outweigh the risks.

 

Good luck in your continued progress.

[Bittersweetie]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm reaching out again to you all because you gave me much to think about the first time. My H and I took a few weeks off from our discussions to think about everything. When we talked this weekend, my H had narrowed our "stalemate" down to two issues, one for each of us. And when I thought about it further, he's right.

 

My issue is that I would like more passion in our relationship, and that doesn't mean just physically. I think I have been working on this as I plan activities for us, initiate sex, wear fancy underthings, talk about an upcoming vacation, etc (things to get the juices flowing in more ways than one). And while I enjoy doing these things I sometime feel like he's just going along with the program. Like it's great we had sexy time, but if I didn't initiate it, he would've been fine surfing on the computer the whole night.

 

His issue is that he's really struggling with having empathy for me, and emotionally connecting to me. I can totally understand this, as I did a terrible thing to him, rocking his foundation. I don't expect him to suddenly change from those hurt feelings. But my question is for BS, is there a way I can help him with this? Are there action items I can take or is this something he needs to work through himself?

 

Because I see them both connected. He is holding back from connecting to me, and I think that affects the amount of passion in our relationship, which then makes me think I would like more passion between us, which then he holds back from me. It's like a circle, and I would like to break it and move forward.

 

I don't know, does this make any sense? I want to take steps forward and help him as much as I can. And please, I am looking for thoughts from others who have been through or working on reconciliation.

 

Thanks,

B

[seren]

Hi bittersweetie,

I think that the first step should be re establishing intimacy, for me that means cuddling on the sofa, holding hands, I send H funny cards (which he loves) we go for walks and just sit watching the world go by, we have fun. We have been together over 25 years and so I can understand how often intimacy goes by the by. Your H may be triggered by the effort you are making, may not, but it may be a thought worth discussing, he may be afraid to let go, may feel 'less than' I don't know. It is often assumed that hot monkey sex is the be and end all, but I find that the most loving times are the long lie in's and the intimacy side of a relationship that make the heart sing. Of course hot money sex is good too, but for some, it isn't that important.

 

Perhaps you are trying too hard to show him you feel lust for him when possibly he needs to feel loved, not saying you don't do this, he may just want it all to be 'normal'. I didn't, I wanted the whole nine yards, H, who was the WS, just wanted us back to how it was, I invite H to dinner with an invite, dress up and we listen to music, dance, smooze and flirt. It was hard at the beginning to get the mind pictures away, but I was confident in our connection (for want of a better way of explanation), but it is hard to get over that, it does happen, but slowly. Saying give it time isn't a cop out, I suspect empathy is impossible, but it has to be discussed and a way found if this isn't to continue.

[gpatb43]

Certainly no expert but .. seems you might just need to give it time (I know, horrible) and keep taking actions (more than words) that show your H that you really are in this 100% for him, whether thats little things (cards, a sticky note on the mirror in the morning etc) or something more tangible (a letter reminding him how happy you are with him). You cannot MAKE him feel empathy and emotional towards you again - has to be his journey - but as a BS and a WS in my past, I think the frequent reminder to him that you are in this ALL the way, whatever it takes, will be the factor that might help him.

 

I'd also say that you have to realize that while you want more passion, you have to decide if your H is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, even if that never returns as you wished. Thats the true test I think - are you willing to give that up because this is the man you love?

[Bittersweetie]

Thank you for the comments. In terms of the empathy, it is not something I ever brought up, or asked for, or automatically expected. He brought it up in our latest discussion, on his own, as something he is struggling with. I just want to support him as best as I can and asked for steps to do so.

[manup]

I'd end it, you sound like you're doing this for convenience. A lot of times marriages last through infidelity because of children. You don't have that and the memories your supposed to look back on in tough times were soured by your cheating. It may be hard, but end it for both your sake's.

[Kidd]

I am a recent BS. My WW and I are trying to reconcile.

 

I recommend that for your husband, you own the plan to rebuild your husband's trust in you. If it succeeds, you both win. If not, it is your fault that you could not do enough to rebuild the trust that you destroyed. He needs to know that you get this and that you dont expect him to do change ANYTHING about himself to be accepted by you. It is you that is now tested. Success depends entirely on your commitment to make up for what has happened enough for him to accept you back. The WS must understand that it is you that created the situation where we do not trust you and where we don't trust your emotional commitment to us or the M. It must be you that fixes it, and without in any way suggesting that we should be getting over it (again, because you're the one who fu*ked it up in the first place).

 

You are going to want validation that what you are doing is making a difference. Understand this...if he is still with you, it is making enough of a difference today. Do what you are doing and more. Your list is a great start. Take ownership of proving it to him that you are recommitted to him.

 

As a BS, I can tell you it matters. Or we wouldn't stay. If you stop, you are toast. You may feel that you are waiting for him to accept you (and inside complain that you can't emotionally reconnect with him because he is distant) but your thinking is just plain wrong. It is not up to him. The success of this is entirely up to you.