Baroness67 Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 OK well as I have posted before, I never believe my problems are solved, some days they seem better, some days not. Looks like my H and I might be coming back into some "not great" ... looking for any helpful input from Husbands (or I guess even wives, though the dynamics might not be the same) that might assist me in continuing to navigate through my marriage, such as it is. The brief background is we've been married around 20 years, we are in our 40s, I am SAHM with several kids, some still in single digits, others ready to leave the nest soon, but educated similarly to my H. He has a very high-powered career that keeps him occupied close to 24/7 and I would say that this is his true 'mistress' although I have no illusions - I know he's not been completely faithful to the marriage. I just believe it was more of an EA with some brief (drunk) physicality and have seen no evidence since that time to believe there was anything more. We are still married. Had some brief separations but basically the marriage continued and just seemed to morph into something different. He comes home every night, but sleeps in his study and holes up in there. Goes for runs in the neighborhood or goes and grabs a few beers and watches a game. Non interactive with the family for more than a few minutes per person and then he's done. He is invariably locked back into his study to sleep within no more than 2 hours after coming home, and back up and out before anyone else in the house wakes up. And I wake up at 5. I am done with the idea that this is an affair situation because I don't think that's it, I think it's a boredom situation. He doesn't like our house and complains if there is a t-shirt on the floor or if the kids have friends over. He just seems to hate all of us. No, don't get me wrong, he loves the kids, he just can't spend any time with them. It's like he does as little as possible to get the credit for some contact each day and then that's it. He's back off to work or run or whatever. I have asked him if he wants to get a place of his own to have where he can have his own space. He says he is thinking about it. At this point I think it would be a positive move even for the sake of the marriage. It's like he is being served beef stew every single night or something and if he sees another bite of beef stew he is going to throw it through the window. On the other hand it's not like he wants to travel or get away or do anything different, or at least not with the family. He just seems like he wants to get away from everything to do with us. According to him, it's not for another woman. He does not want to get divorced and does not think he is a good father or husband. He's not pretending he is anything like that. He just likes going to work and coming home and having a simple quiet life, which with the size of our family and household - just is not possible. Just wondering what you husbands who have gone through something similar think. I love him. I want him to be happy. I am unhappy when he's unhappy. I view it as my part of the marriage that this is one of the "worse" times and continue to try to get through it. It's definitely better than it has been at other times, but I'm sensing that thing again where he looks like he just wants to chew his leg off and buy a boat and sail away from everything and everyone. Not that I don't sometimes feel that way, too, but this is where I am. Too many kids that I am responsible for to entertain that fantasy. And I don't think my H is headed that way, either. I just feel his tension and don't know how to help him with it. My "help" seems to just drive him crazier, like nagging. thanks for listening.
lordWilhelm Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 If he and you both are okay with him getting his own place so that he doesn't get served "beef stew" every night, you might as well be divorced. There would be absolutely no difference between the two cases, don't you think so? I mean, I understand it's stressful and it takes lots of time to be an executive but I don't think all of them eschew all family responsibilities all the time... unless they want to. You even said yourself that he just doesn't want to be with the family. Do you think there might be some root cause to all this? Have you talked to him about it?
robf1971 Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 My advice to you is that your husband has NO respect for you whatsoever and you should be checking his computer with a keylogger. hmm I wonder what he's doing in his study every night? Also IMO , MLC is just an excuse for p*ss poor adult behaviour..
TaraMaiden Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Ok and..... What's MLC"...? Married Limited Contact....? Jeesh, with the acronyms.....!
xxoo Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Ok and..... What's MLC"...? I think it's "midlife crisis"... OP--how many children do you have? Was he agreeable to creating these children, or was he somehow surprised when they kept coming??? I'd insist on a medical check-up. Make sure he is physically healthy, and not depressed. Then, tell him to stop acting like a damn child! What would happen if you BOTH decided you didn't want to be a parent to the kids you created? I think you are overly tolerant, and he needs a reality check.
Snowflower Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 (edited) I think you are overly tolerant, and he needs a reality check. Yes! ^^^ This type of behavior from him could go on for years if you don't put a stop to it--for YOUR OWN well-being. I have seen this in a few close family members of mine. The situation never turns out well and you will have wasted years of your life waiting for him to figure out his cr*p. He isn't there for you. He isn't there for your children, not really. What is the point in having him in the house? If he was being an active, engaged father (which by your words he is not) then my advice might differ but he is treating them just like he treats you. Is that the example you want your children to continue to see? Your daughters will see that this is how a husband/father can act with no repercussions and your sons will see that it is acceptable to treat their wife/children in this way. So, he is whining about getting his own apartment...well, go get him one. Give him some of your household furniture and set him up. If you wait for him to do it, he most likely won't...so you will have to take the initiative and do this. Tell him that the two of you can work out a custody schedule for the children, separate your finances, and look into your state's process for legal separation. Go back to work so that you can be in a better place financially. I'm suggesting these things for YOUR sake, baroness, and for the sake of your children. Edited June 2, 2011 by Snowflower
Author Baroness67 Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 Seriously, thank you all for what you have said. I actually thought I had gone through the psychology of all these things, and then heard about this new thing therapists are calling "intimacy anorexia" ... the more distant you become, the more distant you become. It kind of makes sense to me. I was anorexic during a period of my life, and I was so distant it was insane. My voices were all inside my head. The only time I was in control was when I was controlling what and when I ate. And then, when the times came when I lapsed and ate like, who knows, something - I would vow to not only go back to my program, but be EVEN BETTER. It's sort of like with my husband, when he even opens up a little bit, he regrets it instantly, and then resolves to not open up ever again EVER .. and it goes on and on until he's a stone or he dies. I just have no idea how to break him out of his cycle, as he views every approach I even make to speak to him directly as some kind of assault. Literally, I can see him clench up. We are married, and speak through 5 minute phone calls about the kids, or text messages. No more than 3 per day. That is my marriage.
keepsmilin74 Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 Not sure what you've tried... aside from offering him his own place and keeping your head down??? That seems way too complacent to me. If you don't care, why should he? He needs to put more effort into the marriage and just to start with: - demand his help with the kids, (something specific like "from now on you take kid#2 to hockey training" not just vaguely saying "you need to spend more time with the kids") - demand time for you and him alone, daily go for 30min walk just chatting. That's just a start and the plan is to rebuild intimacy in your family. Goodluck!
giotto Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 I think you are all underestimating the potent mix of several children and a stressful job. Now, don't get me wrong, I believe that being a SAHM is a very hard job, but it's one job. Sometimes, we ask very busy fathers to come home and start all over again, entertaining the children, maybe cooking and cleaning, when they are just shattered and want to rest. They are keeping the boat afloat, after all. Having said that, I think there might be several reasons for your husband's behaviour. I've actually behaved like that myself. I isolated myself. My reason? The marriage wasn't working. We disconnected and we couldn't reconnect because the intimacy wasn't there anymore. I admit it too: I believe I'm a bad father. Yes, I do work all the time, but with my wife in a job that pays very little, someone has to do it. Basically, I got to the point a of nervous breakdown and isolating myself was the only way out, to sustain the pressure. Too much work, too many children, too many relationship problems. I wanted out, BIG TIME. Because my wife wasn't prepared to put enough effort in the relationship and the stress was killing me. So, we nearly divorced. What happened? My wife compromised. I stayed. Did it work? No. I'm staying for the kids. I just resigned myself that it will never be ok. So, I stopped isolating myself and get on with it. I do my best to be happy and be with the family. In your case, Baroness, it looks like he's past that point. You are willing, but he is not. I think - for your sake and his sake - that he should move out and have a break. Start therapy and take it from there. He's clearly not interested. It's difficult to know the exact reasons without more details, especially your relationship history. HTH.
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