Author kj4412 Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 I think at first she wont really care that much about the letter, but it will be back in her head, and later on she will probably look back and read that letter again and realize. Plus setting boundaries will show i'm standing up for myself and I need to do whats best for me. I know she wants me to do that, stand up for myself.
sinnister Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 I think at first she wont really care that much about the letter, but it will be back in her head, and later on she will probably look back and read that letter again and realize. Plus setting boundaries will show i'm standing up for myself and I need to do whats best for me. I know she wants me to do that, stand up for myself. Don't mind him...lol. I don't know what's up with him tonight. He's usually on point with stuff n not pushing his own agenda. Yeah do what you're doing...people do it all the time. Again, when there is a line of communication open, only a dick would just disappear and blame the r/s that person's started. You are showing respect for your intentions and her r/s to bow out how you are anyway...and doing it on a high if you can. I've done this b/f..many have. I don't get why people get so hooked on dogma so much.
sinnister Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 (edited) You haven't read a single word he's said. He's tried to say it over and over and over...which ruins your credibility with him. She is trying to friend zone him..and he doesn't want that. She has not shunned his communication..he doesn't want it expanded if his need isn't going to be met...why aren't you getting this? There is no my way/your way. I looked at THE SITUATION..not just said s--t I say all the time. Your way works at times...not all the time..but if you say the same thing EVERY TIME-QUIT N RUN...you're ONE NOTE. Yes, saying the same thing makes you right at times...but even a broken clock is right twice a day. Get over it. We had a battle cause I read and you made it personal, then let everyone find out you were really clueless n now it's personal. It's not with me.. I know my failings..but they have NO bearing on his situation..no matter how much you try to bring them up. It also shows that you lack what you hope others can leave with....class. I didn't tell you that stuff about me to be attacked by it, lol, but to shore up your own cred...u did, n lost the audience. He knows HIS way to get it done and was just seeking advice. Your plan will be applied to come clueless scared person in the future, believe me..n you can gloat again and feel like Dr. Love(less). Plus, I could be wrong..long night lol..but I think he dumped her or it was mutual. -Nope, she did..you're 2/3. Edited June 2, 2011 by sinnister
PelicanPete Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 The brew always gets in LS scuffles, first with Nyseto [] and now sinnister, I thought I saw one with WTRanger as well a few days back, and I'm sure there's been more. Adds some character at least, gives the reader a chuckle or two. he gives some good and real advice so nothing really wrong with it, just not for the faint of heart. Anyway kj, I think it depends on her actions whether you should send her the letter. My ex was really harassing me after our break up. When I blocked her from every way to get a hold of me directly, she was sending me messages through my friends that she didnt want me to go, i was being childish, she wanted to stay friends, etc. I felt it was ok to break NC to send her an email basically saying that I didn't want to speak to her, I wish her the best, have a nice life.I never want to get back together with her, so it was a good form of closure for me. When I sent that, she used that hole to start demanding this stuff she originally didn't care about just to try to make me break NC. When I managed to send it all back to her without breaking NC, she had nothing left she was willing to do to keep me in her life, and gave up. Homebrew had some good logic that I agree with.. If she isn't bothering you or contacting you to begin with, you shouldn't send her a letter saying you don't want to talk to her. If she tries to come back one day and be all chummy and you want none of it, knock yourself out. If you want more of a closure letter, trust me it's better to just write it out and not send it to her. If you want the satisfaction of giving it to someone, you can give it to her mom like homebrew suggested, or you can post it on LS and people here will help you deal with your emotions.
sinnister Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Me personally, I am not going to pursue a relationship and try and initiate communication with a Ex (or any women for that matter) that is in a relationship with another man. When there is someone else in the picture... There is nothing for us to discuss until the other person is completely out of the picture. If you don't see it that way... that is fine. You think even if she dumped you, she is not initiating communication with you and she is in a relationship with someone else... That she still wants to be with you... I guess we now know why her parents, the new guy and law enforcement had to get involved in your last break up. For me, I keep it simple.... If a person wants to be with me, they will. Who r you pursuing right now? You seem to be as here..if not far more than I have..so what's up? Again, if you bothered to read...there was no way to predict ANY of what was done to me before being there. Her actions never matched her words post breakup and we weren't even broken up until she had danced or whatever with him. I waited 4 months to talk...she still said she loved me...we'd talk when we had time away from her school or whatever. I don't get why you care about what you say, how you look, when you're here trying to help other people. This isn't about your GIGS, your rep or any f--king thing you push..but it's your calling card..n seemingly the only thing you feel makes you of value. AND IT ISN'T EVEN YOUR PHILOSOPHY BUT YOU HAVE IT STICKIED EVERYWHERE. I knew this when we were cool..but i respected what you said...I could've been torched you on it...even when we had the BPD vs GIGS discussion..but we could debate then and still respect each other. I don't give a s--t how you think I handled ONE scenario..but why is Dr. Love still here trying to make his claim off someone elses philosophy (see Mayday from enotalone, lol). Stay positive, respectful or GTFO is my opinion.
sinnister Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 (edited) The brew always gets in LS scuffles, first with Nyseto [] and now sinnister, I thought I saw one with WTRanger as well a few days back, and I'm sure there's been more. Adds some character at least, gives the reader a chuckle or two. he gives some good and real advice so nothing really wrong with it, just not for the faint of heart. He gets into **** with people that don't blindly defer or kiss his ass all the time more like. He's not right here, and he's not always right. I give him tons of credit on his insight..but he takes stuff to a fear level too much when it just doesn't apply. I can play the scared role all the time too and be right just by avoidance..but I don't think he's experienced now half the **** he's said cause he's too black/white about everything. I don't trust him..probably lurked on here and absorbed too many people with brains..lol. Still, the kid keeps saying they're communicating and she's trying to expand his role and he wants to set boundaries....setting those boundaries and disappearing doesn't make him a loser. The new r/s is fresh..he's not hurting anything by bowing out gracefully..he's not pining for her..he's living his life. Send the letter and find peace OP. Edited June 2, 2011 by sinnister
sinnister Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 (edited) G.I.G.S. is just an explanation of a phase that some people go through. It is not a disease or illness so there is nothing wrong with the person that gets it. My Ex respected and cared enough about me to share that she had the need and desire to go live it up and be single for awhile (G.I.G.S.). For me, that is all I needed to hear. Why? Because I also respect and care about her too. If being single and living it up is what she felt she wanted and needed to do... So be it. I didn't try and "cure" her of G.I.G.S., stop her or try and convince her she was wrong... Had I, it would have not have worked anyway. Where you and I differ is here... I do not blur the lines between dating and marriage. In dating, I am not going to spend a lot of time, effort or energy in fighting for a relationship where the other person has doubts or doesn't want to be in it. For me, this is a sign of future things to come... should we end up getting married. In marriage, I will fight for that relationship with everything I have and more. If this was a marriage, I believe your advice is sound. Your issue with me and maybe in your relationships, is you have blurred the line between dating and marriage. You don't know **** about me or my philosophy on r/ships. You think on a coward's level...GIGS is not some damn disease and I never said it was. It is something you experience FOR THE FIRST TIME...all of my others ended with respect/little confusion/little insanity...how I handle my first insane one is not something you need to bring up in every debate when we're at opposite sides. You haven't done it before. You're just ****ing jealous that I HAVE LIVED..I'm not here saying the same thing trying to keep people, laughing, happy and buying into the shell I am. I never claimed to be this, that..or sticked anything..and I don't need to put someone down to win a debate...it wasn't a debate. You just think b/c of the amount of time you've been here, that you can automatically assess a situation..but you don't...you do what every girl that has a friend does...AVOID PAIN..AVOID HARD WORK..AVOID REJECTION...you're a coward internally, so I know you've been one externally. Now it's going to be my last night for a while..cause this has been fun but I've got to live after I've got out a lot of my fears, helped others with whatever I could an vented a bit. You will still be here, saying the same ****..waiting for something you let get away make you their back up...so you can justify another GIGS recovery. How long do they really pursue you, stay with you...you clearly have no heart. People with heart aren't afraid to risk it...get it hurt...even if it hurts worse every time they do...and they don't fault people that make mistakes...I didn't have to be honest..I knew some dick would use it against me....but I did know only the smallest sack of **** would. Take a bow. Keep fooling everyone, you r pretty funny. Plus, you don't win debates by TELLING someone what they think. I've watched you over and over tell me who I am/what I think..when all the time I've said the complete opposite..with consistency. Just like with your fears...life doesn't go the way you fear/program it...but again, it takes some actual life experience to see that. Edited June 2, 2011 by sinnister
Fedor Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Bro, you seem at peace with the whole situation. I dont think its necessary to send this letter. She's with another dude and having fun right now. If my ex was doing that, I'd say screw that. Does she even deserve this letter? Thing is though, you have to make these decisions for yourself. If you do send the letter dont set up any false hope(I know you said you dont want her now anyway).
sinnister Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Wouldn't apply to being married. He will say the opposite to someone else. He has no true principles and said that **** just to try to put me down here about dating vs marriage. I bet you can find 30 examples where he put down staying married on his stupid philosophy of "not staying if someone doesn't agree/kiss my ass/wanna be with me" bs that rarely applies in the real world, but helps a small person "appear" macho. He only seeks to win..so he can do his tough schtick...probably has everything he says clipboarded.
PelicanPete Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 So about 80% of this thread is arguing. Some cute little bantering back and fourth is appropriate, but this is obviously becoming a bit more then that. Please keep in mind OP asked for help, not a heated argument. If you guys have personal beef go have a bbq together, but not in this guys thread. It's loveshack not hateshack
EgoJoe Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Homebrew's advice is solid. Right is relative. His points are valid. GIGS is just a way of talking about "being young and dumb". To the OP, she's with another guy, thats closure. Cut ties and walk away with your head held high. Never play all of your cards with a woman no matter how much they ask you to. You'll be alright.
Author kj4412 Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 (edited) I appreciate all the great advice =) but please try not to argue, thankyou alright guys ill give alittle update to my situation... 1. She has not communicated with me at all since this new boyfriend has arrived (she will only contact me if i make first contact, I only texted that once though and still keep NC) 2. One of her friends told me this.... pretty cold..... My ex doesnt want me to waste my time getting her back, she likes this new guy and its a secret from his parents until things get more serious, she wants me to stop hurting though (in a nice friendly way... whatever that means) She wants me to find someone else. That was about a month after the break up when her friend heard that. 3. Its the end of the school year, so we sometimes pass each other pretending we didn't see each other and she makes no effort to talk to me in person. 4. Still not sure how close my ex and her new boyfriend are, Ive been told they only see each other in school though, but who knows. 5. I deleted her phone number, blocked her on facebook, removed anything to remind me of her. 6. Another reason why it feels like i should send the letter, I want to tell her that I wasn't myself after the breakup because I saw her 2 times after the break up and I said some feelings, it seemed like she did not even care (pushed her away a little) so its like i left a bad impression of myself This letter may not do anything for her, but it feels like she will later look back on it. ill make sure to post the letter up on here and showing my close friends before even thinking about sending it. It feels like we both just need time and later on she will contact me. Thanks guys again! Hope this update can clear some things up! Edited June 2, 2011 by kj4412
geegirl Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 6. Another reason why it feels like i should send the letter, I want to tell her that I wasn't myself after the breakup because I saw her 2 times after the break up and I said some feelings, it seemed like she did not even care (pushed her away a little) so its like i left a bad impression of myself This letter may not do anything for her, but it feels like she will later look back on it. ill make sure to post the letter up on here and showing my close friends before even thinking about sending it. It feels like we both just need time and later on she will contact me. Thanks guys again! Hope this update can clear some things up! I second not sending any letter. If you're trying to redeem yourself in some way, she does not care or is probably not even phased by it anymore. She's distracted and involved with someone else. So you left a bad impression when you spoke about feelings and it pushed her away and it seemed like she didn't care. So, now you go in for Round 2 by sending a letter of feelings again. Lather, rinse, repeat. And again, you will leave a bad impression because she does not care. You're trying to perfect your image and closure with her. Stop. And why do you keep predicting what she will do with this letter? And why are you predicting with fact that all you both need is time and she will contact you again? Your predictions are only feeding your hope. You're in such denial. She may just look at your letter and wonder why you just can't leave it alone. You're trying to envision her actions based on your emotions, and not her emotions in that she has focused her feelings on another man. She may not care about your letter and she may not contact you, could also be a prediction. If she wants you, a letter is not going to stir her feelings or open her eyes. She will come back because of what she remembers about you and the R and how important you were to her. Nothing is more unattractive than a man who keeps regurgitating what's over and done with because he can't move. It's not attractive to a woman. Show your strength by releasing her and letting her have her relationship with her partner of choice. Poking and prodding from you is only going to push her futher away.
Author kj4412 Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 Homebrew, I read you topic on G.I.G.S. I found this almost exactly fitting my situation, very informative. Thankyou!
Author kj4412 Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 Ok heres a problem, her graduation party is soon and I was invited. I was just thinking about sending her a graduation card and simply keep it short and just congratulate her thats it. I would just tell her im sorry I couldnt make it because im going on vacation? Good idea? Or should I not give her a card at all?
Sugarkane Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Let who you are and the relationship that the two of you had together speak on your behalf! No letter, can top that! All you are going to do is put a bad taste in her mouth, push her away further and make the new guy look a hell of a lot better than you. Do you see Clint Eastwood sending a girl that dumped him and already dating a new guy some heart filled letter expressing his undying love to her? Be a MAN! Don't tell her THANK YOU for dumping me and while I am at it... I hope the new guy is awesome! I love this piece of advice! There's no way in hell Clint Eastwood would do that ever.
Author kj4412 Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 what do you guys think of this too? So i encountered her holding hands with her new boyfriend walking down the hallway and she was trying to hide? I clearly saw her lol
Author kj4412 Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 Instead of the whole letter idea, im will to talk to her face to face and I know she will be willing too. But its still best off if I remain NC, but its an idea that came into my head.
sinnister Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 (edited) what do you guys think of this too? So i encountered her holding hands with her new boyfriend walking down the hallway and she was trying to hide? I clearly saw her lol She's trying real hard not to hurt your feelings..lol. Face to face is 10 times worse than writing the email and leaving for a while IMHO. I don't see why everyone's so opposed to it when so few of them actually kept NC with their own situations and struggle against it. You're over and done until the time comes..leaving a little momento as you disappear. Don't get the hate cept that they're not creative enough to do it....women love those romantic movie moments..EVEN if they're not in an r/s with you. As long as you stick to the one off approach. If she was really over you, her being with her new man would not affect her like this. There r a range of reasons she's acting like this..all good for you n reconciliation..and don't think HE doesn't notice either, lol. He's now beta man, or the actual rebound. However, face-to-face goodbyes will only in crease her anxiety level and thus, make you the culprit. Drop off the planet and show you have no hard feelings if you do. It's still NATURAL to have feelings for the ex and a very brief display won't hurt anyone and since you're not expecting a response, does what many posters here espouse and gives you your own closure. Why care if she thinks of it negatively...you two r through..there's no rep to protect. Follow your heart...many people have lost theirs from being burnt...follow it..your class will be the lasting ember in her life. No face to face...that'll make it awkward n easy to paint you into a creeper that won't leave. Ride out. Edited June 3, 2011 by sinnister
Fedor Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Instead of the whole letter idea, im will to talk to her face to face and I know she will be willing too. But its still best off if I remain NC, but its an idea that came into my head. IF your going to make any contact, do the letter because it will probably leave a bigger impression. She can reread it if she wants. Again, I dont advise breaking nc but you got to do what you feel is right. And btw, my ex is graduating on Saturday and I'm going to miss it. I wish I could be there because it is such a special day for her. With that being said, dont give her jack for a gift. lol
Author kj4412 Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 (edited) Ya, face to face might freak out, definatley right now. This is a huge factor in sending it though...... I was told that the new boyfriend and her are close now. I dont know what she will still think of this letter, she will read it knowing her. But at first she wont care, maybe later on. Theres a feeling in me that I need to end it with my final words not hers. And i really thought about being friends with her, but when I see her on accident or hear about her new boyfriend and her are soooo CUTE togther (I was told that, it hurt like a bitch)........ It just shows that I am not ready to be friends or not at all be friends. Edited June 3, 2011 by kj4412
sinnister Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 (edited) Ya, face to face might freak out, definatley right now. This is a huge factor in sending it though...... I was told that the new boyfriend and her are close now. I dont know what she will still think of this letter, she will read it knowing her. But at first she wont care, maybe later on. Theres a feeling in me that I need to end it with my final words not hers. And i really thought about being friends with her, but when I see her on accident or hear about her new boyfriend and her are soooo CUTE togther (I was told that, it hurt like a bitch)........ It just shows that I am not ready to be friends or not at all be friends. Remember that line...eventually, whatever it is...will end. That's how you leave with the highest ground you can get. She'll soon relax...everything will drift out..when she needs to feel anxious or guilty..she has that last piece of you..that email as class.. I don't see anything but a win/win in it..and I've actually done it b/f. But srsly..there's NO way they're as close as you hear if she's that afraid to have you see them together, UNLESS, she's painted yohatu into a creep and you need to send the email anyway (despite what anyone says) as proof that you weren't for yourself and when she comes back from that delusion. Acting like she's scared of you in public with the new man only shows shame..or guilt...maybe they cheated n more people know. Plus, it publicly reduces the new guy, cause they're walking on eggshells around you. Send it now and disappear while the iron's still hot. Still, maybe she's sending PR to provoke a jealous action from you or if it's your friends...they like seeing you in pain. I had my best friend call me up with my old girlfriend and try to get me to dish dirt on her. Me not doing it kept her in my life in various degrees....making her an easy lay at times. Class is important. Edited June 3, 2011 by sinnister
Author kj4412 Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 No gift, what about a simple card? nothing else, and right like congradulations, im proud of you, sincerely ......... something short thats it
sinnister Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I had my best friend call me up with my old girlfriend (two actually one was just a casual acquaintance/lived in neighbor..was kinda close once cause we were the smartest and about the same girl--this was high school but they knew how much in the r/s I was romantic to her) and try to get me to dish dirt on her.
Recommended Posts