kj4412 Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Sit back and relax for this, it's gonna be a long one. And if you can give me positive ideas, opinions, etc. that would be great. =) So my ex broke up with me 2 months ago (after a 2 year relationship and we were very close, we did everything together). We are both in high school and both going to the same college. We had a good relationship but it ended because she said I didn't give her those special moments in the end or something and she doesn't feel the same way as when we first started dating. She said she just wants to be friends and loves me as a good person, and in the future if we wanted to get back together, we would know. At first she wanted a break and ill admit that I still had communication and looked desperate but not that much. When we broke up I started to cut off communication. Ive accepted our break up and I just want her to be happy. Her family still invites me to special events sometimes because i'm like a family friend to them all. So a week later I went to her birthday to give presents and all that stuff. I'm good friends with her brother too which is kinda of a difficult situation She already has this new boyfriend already and thats her choice so thats fine. I try my best not to have it get to me but knowing myself. I cannot be her friend while I see them together. he is also going to the same college as us but its a university (so I doubt ill ever see them which is good). Her mom doesnt like him lol which is funny but its my ex girlfriends choice not her moms, i know that..... and in the back of my head I know her second serious relationship isnt the guy shes gonna like marry (although its possible lol). I wanted to save the relationship but it seemed like she did not want to. I know in the end we didnt do anything special (because of school and work) and we started hanging out with friends more because we were with each other all the time. I wanted to do more one on one dates again and bring back the magic. When summer hit (2 weeks from now) I was seriously gonna go skydiving with her as a graduation present. My grandpa is a helicopter pilot and i was going to have a sight seeing helicopter ride with her, I was going to bring her to Hawaii this summer and then Europe next year. The relationship just ended at the wrong time lol, all that was a surprise too, she had no idea that any of that was coming. So here I am now..... Yes I have been working on myself, been hanging out with friends as much as possible, working harder, staying occupied, etc. I do feel alot better now too, and I know there are alot of other girls out there for me but I'm not quite ready to jump into a new relationship. I still continue to keep no contact and if she wants to be friends for real, then she has to make the effort because she dumped me and I did everything I can. Otherwise I dont want to be friends because I dont want to sit on the sidelines while I see her with her new boyfriend. So I was thinking about saying goodbye in a letter and just saying some emotions. Also saying how I cant be friends. I like the letter idea because I can leave with a good thoughts in her head, and something she can look back at. Then just leaving it from there. I was also thinking about just not doing at all and just keep no contact. Which I believe is the most safe way. sometimes we just gotta let go of the things we love the most. If we are meant to be back together in the future, she will find a way to contact me. In the end I just want her to be happy and thats what really matters because she is a great person =) Her mom still contacts me which is kinda hard to do with. So im stuck on this situation guys and if you guys could give me ideas, options, etc. That would be great! Thanks! =)
sinnister Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Impact of this letter...I say go ahead. If there was love there..n this seems to be some sort of GIGS situation..it would get great for her to read at a later time you being a man in your pain. Bear in mind that in the short term any contact just makes the rebound look better..but if it's a one time thing and you're disappearing..you show a lot of class, maturity, acceptance and respect, that would aid any reconciliation thoughts/attempts down the road. That's just my take.
Author kj4412 Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 hmmmm, good advice, I see it as this.... short term we arent going to get back together..... possibly long term though she will relize but yes I am doing my best to keep no contact.
Author kj4412 Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 thanks for the advice homebrew, Thats just it though, I have 50/50 people telling me to send it, and not to send it. Still stuck on this, She also mentioned she loved me as a good person. that means as friends she can still get what she wants out of me. So thats why she cant have me as a friend.
sinnister Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 thanks for the advice homebrew, Thats just it though, I have 50/50 people telling me to send it, and not to send it. Still stuck on this, She also mentioned she loved me as a good person. that means as friends she can still get what she wants out of me. So thats why she cant have me as a friend. Don't worry about trite pride/dignity (n Homebrew claims to be a sheepie, lol). Yes, she COULD know everything you're about to say, but you leave on both of your high notes. You're telling how much the r/s was valued, PLUS ensuring that she knows your feelings about f/ship so she doesn't try to use you (n you will be tempted to let her-I did on an earlier ex) to be her sounding board/complainer/planner/FRIEND....without expecting anything. When she comes to you after this..she knows your intentions, whether or not ANY of you would consider getting back together. You lose far more dignity giving a letter btw the two of you TO HER MOTHER (I hope that was sarcasm, cause R U INSANE?). Still, leave on a high...she could still feel you two r at a place that you arent..and as long as it's this ONCE...n you disappear, what does either of you have to lose.
sinnister Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Why do you want to send a kind and thoughtful letter to a women that dumped you and is now in a relationship with someone new? What you will be communicating to her is the following: 1. Your were absolutely right in dumping me. 2. That you are okay (blessing) her, her new BF and their relationship. 3. That you have no self-respect or dignity. 4. You are a pathetic loser. 5. etc. Is this the message you want to communicate? If she thinks ANY of that..she never respected him in the first place, lol. You're not saying anything but "I'm gone now, I enjoyed our time together and I want you to be happy". What's wrong with that...Homebrew's a hypocrite...he says we should send them a parade when they get GIGS n cheat on us..but we're not supposed to be happy for the new r/s in this "acceptance" mood? He wants you to run and hide. I want you to face the inevitable and move on.
EgoJoe Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Bad joke warning. @ Homebrew: You gotta put a bad taste in her mouth in the relationship.
sinnister Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Let who you are and the relationship that the two of you had together speak on your behalf! No letter, can top that! All you are going to do is put a bad taste in her mouth, push her away further and make the new guy look a hell of a lot better than you. Do you see Clint Eastwood sending a girl that dumped him and already dating a new guy some heart filled letter expressing his undying love to her? Whatever, she needs a reminder as so many women r sentimental that he didn't keep any grudges after the r/s ended, for whatever reason. The r/s will YELL at her when she is alone and doubting and can look at this thing. Don't believe me..add a email read notification service to it..n see what happens. I bet she reads the damned thing every 3 weeks. Women love momentos...n you know..memories fade or can be altered....this adds that clarification needed in her darkest. I've had exes love the post b/u letters when I've "accepted". I showed both my class n the talent they'd loved me for in the first place. Got back with a few of them...this one's just more close to insane and the b/u was toxic. Not with them now, cause the ball was in my court when they came back n I realized they judged me for their own faults harshly which became evident in the reconciliation. Granted, the best impact this communique would have is w/in 3 weeks of the b/u if you know you're about to disappear. But still, leave this little mint on her pillow and both YOUR conscience, pride, n closure will thank you for it later. The dignity is in not following up after this...make sure you've said everything you're going to NOW..no matter how long, but don't ramble.
sinnister Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 She doesn't need crap! She knows everything he is going to tell her anyway. When they are with another person... You do not do a damn thing. When her and her new man need a laugh... Sinnister... no offense, but you are dead wrong on this. You went down this road... What happened with you? Law Enforcement had to get involved. This was the last one....it was a difficult situation there. I've had exes before that nexus. Come on. She will NEVER show the new BF..trust me. This will be YOUR thing.. I was overwrought with the last due to extenuating circumstances that you all have to admit..NONE OF YOU WENT THROUGH PRIOR...MidEastern White Slavery? Girl thinks she's Laura of Arabia all of a sudden? Don't bring that up just to score an easy win on my cred. You're still here even after posting "the perfect GIGS guide" 5 years ago...lol. Women r hard for anyone..and although Homebrew knows their motivations for hurtful things...I actually know what they like. No offense taken or meant btw.
sinnister Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 (edited) They do not have anything... She has a thing with the other guy. Also, we don't know that the other guy will not know about it. I let my GF's know if I hear from an Ex. It's respectful and the right thing to do. If she wanted a letter from him... She would be dating him and not the other guy. i do too..but only the ones that bother(ed) me. Bringing up exes only leads to insecurity of the girl. I would never tell her about casual contact with an ex..no wonder you're still here, lol. I have self-control to shut that down and not let it happen further than an email. I don't date exes when I'm with someone or stay on the phone for more than birthday/holiday wishes. I WOULD NEVER tell the one I'm with about those. Now, if she stalked me..that's different...if an ex has to show her new man every communique from her old one...they're DOOMED to fail. She will resent that kinda **** soon enough...or the dude will think she has way too much contact w/other dudes. But I'm bowing out of this gracefully. OP, you seen the reasoning bhind both approaches. Homebrew extrapolates alternate realities..I tell you from person experience/knowing human motivations/women's sympathies. It is your decision. But if ONE LAST EMAIL will upset her and her new r/s that bad...she's obviously not over you..not the other way around, and if her new bf gets that angry...you've won anyway. Why would you care what he thinks about your closure anyway..you don't know or owe him anything. Edited June 1, 2011 by sinnister
Author kj4412 Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 (edited) Thanks guys for the advice again, I see this new guy as a downgrade (looks, talent, etc), her family told me they dont even like him, but its still my ex's choice. But my plan so far, is either keep No contact for awhile and if she contacts me, then she does and maybe we can see whats up. If not, then her loss and Ive moved on. My other plan was to give her a letter, or talk with her mom (she is really close to me and is like my ''second'' mom pretty much). Her mom even told me to work my way back up to her and not push her right now. This new boyfriend has been a friend of hers since me and her have started dating. It seems like he was waiting to make his move and give her that attention she wanted because they started dating ''secretly'' quite soon after our break up. Ohh and this is quite funny too..... They have to hide their relationship from the new boyfriends family..... (strict parents) and the whole work on college only thing. So right now im just gonna let them have their happy time and just no contact. Many of her friends have told me that she will eventually realize, and they think im a real sensitive guy that they wished their boyfriends were like that. Ill admit that I let my ex walk all over me and I would do anything for her while we were together (im just trying to be a good boyfriend for someone I loved). She knows me that ill hang onto to her, and if she see's me moving on and not really caring, she might rethink some things. thanks again guys for the help! It really helps out! =) Edited June 2, 2011 by kj4412
sinnister Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 There will be NO CHANCE to have her respect you if her mum hates her new bf and likes you..by your steady hand. Work your way up on your own..and consider the b/u a break up from the mom as well. Otherwise, weigh the options from info gleaned from here lol. Only married people with children involved..some r/s not..can legitimately have a place for the mother of the ex in affairs, as usually, they invested in the r/s, wedding, and care for the children as well. Anything else diminishes attraction level.
Author kj4412 Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 Thanks sinnister, but ya if her mom doesn't like him and likes me, it still wont change my ex's mind (its my ex's choice on who she wants to date). I need to talk to her mom though, she still invites me to family dinner's sometimes. I'm going to tell her that we need time apart and it hurts me because im still healing. I'm still stuck on the letter idea though, people told me to send it if my heart tells me too. So ill write the letter but not send it right away, ill make sure that if I wanna send it, ill know 100% that i should.
sinnister Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Thanks sinnister, but ya if her mom doesn't like him and likes me, it still wont change my ex's mind (its my ex's choice on who she wants to date). I need to talk to her mom though, she still invites me to family dinner's sometimes. I'm going to tell her that we need time apart and it hurts me because im still healing. I'm still stuck on the letter idea though, people told me to send it if my heart tells me too. So ill write the letter but not send it right away, ill make sure that if I wanna send it, ill know 100% that i should. Just know there's is a "dignity" expiration date on it though. To have it's maximum effect..it must be in her hands before she is actually "in love" with the new guy. Wait past that window..and don't send it. It'll just look like you've pined/waited/obsessed all this time and trying to drop the nuke to win, stop progress of new r/s. If you're going to say you're gone..do it soon...otherwise...good luck on it all. None of this to you is personal, believe that...there's so many scenarios we get wrapped into...
Author kj4412 Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 Ya thats what im worried about, I dont know what her and the new boyfriend relationship is like right now. Thats why im gonna decide within this month. And im scared to say that its my final goodbye though. Thats why im not gonna contact her still (and no contact for sure, if i sent that letter), if she's interested in me then she will eventually contact me, if not, then we have both moved on. Alot of friends that I have talked to said, that they look back at old boyfriends notes and wished they were back together. Thanks again sinnister though! You've helped alot! =) In the end though, I just want me ex to be happy, and I tried to reconnect and fix the relationship, and if she doesnt want that, then I respect that and we both move on for the better.
Author kj4412 Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 Ya i understand that, but i would for sure not want her back right away. And I dont expect at all to get back together. This is not a letter to get her back, its just to let her know about that i respect her decision and just want her to know why we cant be friends. Right now she has me right where she wants me and I wont give her that cause she doesn't deserve that. I tried my best to save our relationship, its just this is my closure for me. right now i dont want to get back with her, maybe later down on the road. but it is time to move on. I think what I want is to leave in good terms and be someone she can always look back at.
sinnister Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 If she contacts you... Then it is fine to tell her that you respect her decision and she needs to respect yours... which is, you are not looking for a friendship. All I am trying to say... Is just don't send it to her without her contact you first. Otherwise... You look like a complete ass! If she receives this letter without her contacting you first... 1. She isn't contacting you... So she isn't looking for a friendship either. 2. She is already in a relationship... So she doesn't care if respect her decision about dumping you or not. Do you see why you would come across as a psycho? From a dude that throws personal attacks at people from a technique dispute AND is so weak to not even want to know b/f his girl ditches him whether it was about another dude. You're thinking over the right things OP..don't let the quitter bullying get to you..if she would think that badly over your closure..you should've never been with her. He uses GIGS to never fight for anything..which is why he's still here.
Author kj4412 Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 Ya i know what you mean, theres just a lot of untold things I wanted to say.... Nothing like oh I miss you, i'm hurting so bad, i still love you, etc. But ya thats why im scared of sending it, no contact is probably the safest way to do it. But then it feels like i will regret not sending the letter, my other side of me tells me that I will regret sending it. its still 50/50.... I will write it to get down my emotions. But i for sure will not send it unless I know 100% that its the right things to do, but right now I know its probably not.
sinnister Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Again..he'd rather delude himself that he's won...than actually have something to win. Psycho? They're on good terms dumbass. He just wants boundaries. He just doesn't want to give her the wrong impression..he is riding out into the sunset and wishing her well in everything...isn't that what those Clint Eastwood's fake macho allegories suggest he do as well....or just go into witness protection like a coward. Come on. You don't have to win every intellectual battle. This is not defending a philosophy..this is hearing and helping people in their own INDIVIDUAL scenarios. One size will not fit all.
Author kj4412 Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 Thats why im trying to get as many opinions as possible on the letter thing. I know I feel alot better about my ex though which is awesome! =) Still iffy on the letter though!
sinnister Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Ya i know what you mean, theres just a lot of untold things I wanted to say.... Nothing like oh I miss you, i'm hurting so bad, i still love you, etc. But ya thats why im scared of sending it, no contact is probably the safest way to do it. But then it feels like i will regret not sending the letter, my other side of me tells me that I will regret sending it. its still 50/50.... I will write it to get down my emotions. But i for sure will not send it unless I know 100% that its the right things to do, but right now I know its probably not. That's all you can do, what u feel is best for the situation. Don't fear the worst case scenario in everything as some would suggest..as that rarely happens. Good luck again. But you see now the clear contrast in a "talker" and a "liver". You will make mistakes...you just have to learn and not fear making more. Life is not easy.
Author kj4412 Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 Sinnister, your right about riding into the sunset wishing everything well for her, thats what I was going for in the letter and setting boundaries. I really dont want her back right now, maybe in the future though but that wont be for awhile. Time and destiny will tell if we want each other back. i just want to leave off in good terms, wishing the best for her. I know if i decided to give her the letter, i would have lots of close friends read it first to see what they think on it.
Author kj4412 Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 and yes me and her are in good terms, she doesnt hate me. we both know that we need time apart. I dont think its healthy of her jumping into a new relationship that fast, but its her decision. Im pretty happy being single right now though.
sinnister Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 and yes me and her are in good terms, she doesnt hate me. we both know that we need time apart. I dont think its healthy of her jumping into a new relationship that fast, but its her decision. Im pretty happy being single right now though. Me too..if it was a long r/s.. theoretically, there should be a month spent alone for every year it lasted to get your head back in place before giving it all back to someone else. People r very insecure to be and grow alone these days...n with so many options to shop..they don't have to. He's just a transition..but could end up being more if she's emotionally vulnerable/open with him and it was meant to be. Not your problem and you're emotionally healthy enough to realize this. I see nothing wrong n what you're contemplating and how you're going to do it...bringing in friends is always tricky, cause they have to see you at your weakest...critique that..but if you trust their opinion don't diminish afterwards, go ahead. Do what you feel is best for your own transition now, she's not going to mock or hate you for it. I think the opposite will happen whether or not ure back together ever.
sinnister Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Me personally... I only pursue women that I actually talk too and are not in relationships with other men. If you don't see it my way... It's cool by me. Lucky for you, there are plenty of women for you to pursue who will not talk to you because they are already in a relationship with someone else. Have u always been this way..or just trying to take a cheap swipe? If it's about the OP, he's not pursuing anything, just closing a chapter. How is that so damned wrong..people (of both sexes) have done this. What is so hard to get here? He's telling her he is disappearing...not plotting...and she will probably not want to see it now..but she will..when she wonders why he's now in NC. You know proper etiquette is to warn people when you're going to stop talking to them...being just there...I know we live in the age of the dicks and insecure, cocky people..but he's still showing some class here. NC is not used for the things he's talking about....just AFTER. Read up..I know you've been on your own pages too long. Grab some more info. I'm still proud of your contribution to the world..but damn. And I know it was Mayday's anyway...you're a great interpreter. Capese?
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