Lilmisus Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 This is silly of me to worry about, but as of now, this is really my only worry about my ex. I guess I'm just worried about running into him again. It's easy to move on when you don't see your ex and aren't reminded of what went on between you, and don't have those feelings rushing back. So far, I've been avoiding him at all costs, and it really helps, and I don't want to put myself a step back by seeing him..especially with his new girlfriend. So...that gets me worrying about what to do if I do run into him, at our old hangout spots. We went just about everywhere around our somewhat little (and tourist destination) town, and for the most part, I have no issue going to any of these places. There are just a few though, that were mainly "his" places that he introduced me to. Those places, I mainly avoid, since I know that he still goes there all the time. There's one place in particular though, a local and very popular bar, that is his favorite place to go to. We went a few times together and with friends, but other than those times, I've never been there. This also so happens to be the favorite spot of quite a few mutual friends...who each understand my reasoning for not going there anymore. But! Apparently this bar is also "the hangout" spot for my new coworkers. It's where they all go after work or for special occasions, and it seems like they always have new hilarious stories to tell about nights spent there..since they're always there. So far, I've been invited there three times after work. Most recent time, being today, by a guy who I'm somewhat interested in. After inviting me to join him and others this weekend (which I declined due to work), he asked what my plans were for tonight, and I told him I was going to the beach. He asked about after that and mentioned going out with him and others to this bar, and I told him that I'd probably be at the beach...all night...something that he didn't really seem to buy or believe (or appreciate) I didn't want to tell him that I just don't want to go to that bar..especially since no one else there (besides my one good friend that got me the job there) know about my recent breakup or the real reason that I left my old job. Part of me wants to keep it that way..it's none of their business, and I don't want any drama at this new job. But, should I just swallow my fear and just hangout with my new coworkers, and maybe even my friends at this bar? My ex is always there, and he's almost always with his new girlfriend it seems like. How would I go about seeing or interacting with them if it happens (I want to just ignore him..) Or should I just come clean to my coworkers and tell them that "hey..got an ex I don't want to run into who goes there all the time..so I wont be joining y'all anytime soon, sorry!"? Opinions appreciated
Cee Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 This is really hard to answer. Is your desire to hang out with your new coworkers greater than your discomfort at seeing your ex? Will seeing your ex ruin any chance of you having fun and send you in a spiral for days? Seeing your ex will suck, but I promise you the feelings of anxiety and disgust will pass. If you can manage your negative feelings and allow yourself to relax and have fun, then by all means go. If you think you'll end up drinking too much and end up crying in the parking lot, I'd skip it. I can't answer this for you, but I think you are smart to be cautious. You are in a healing process and if these coworkers want to be true friends to you, they'd tag along with you at another bar. I think you need to be with trusted friends if you went to that bar and I'm not sure these coworkers will fit the bill. There, my answer probably confused you, but it is a delicate subject.
NicoleM Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 I used to think I am never going back there because it brings back bad memories but the more I thought about it I was like you know what screw it!
missyhum1 Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 hey, thought i return a advise.. well i'm going through the same thing, i feel that seeing your ex especially with his new girlfriend will be a setback of all your healing, however it will also create acceptations with that issue. but if you are not ready for that acceptations then don't put yourself in that situation. i agree about not hanging in ya old hangout spots, give it some more time until you can handle things like that, you are still in healing process, and healing takes time and patients, do not rush what your heart cannot handle, what's the point of going out with your co-workers to have a good time if seeing your ex and his new thing might ruin your whole night, do yourself a favor, find somewhere else to hang. stay strong!
Author Lilmisus Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 This is really hard to answer. Is your desire to hang out with your new coworkers greater than your discomfort at seeing your ex? Will seeing your ex ruin any chance of you having fun and send you in a spiral for days? Seeing your ex will suck, but I promise you the feelings of anxiety and disgust will pass. If you can manage your negative feelings and allow yourself to relax and have fun, then by all means go. If you think you'll end up drinking too much and end up crying in the parking lot, I'd skip it. I can't answer this for you, but I think you are smart to be cautious. You are in a healing process and if these coworkers want to be true friends to you, they'd tag along with you at another bar. I think you need to be with trusted friends if you went to that bar and I'm not sure these coworkers will fit the bill. There, my answer probably confused you, but it is a delicate subject. Honestly, I don't really have too strong of a desire to hang out with my new coworkers just yet. They're all fun people, and I know that they have some great times together..it's just that I'm not going to force a friendship with these people. They did however invite me to ride on their boat this weekend, and to go swimming and to the beach with them for the day..but due to work, I can't make it....tis the reason that they invited me out tonight instead (same somewhat-interested-in guy so more like "he" not "they" ). But yes, I think it will ruin my night. Mainly because if he's with her (which he'd probably be) I'd probably want to kick her ass again...a desire I strangely get every time I see her. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that she was a lying two-faced bitch, which I can't stand? I dunno. I don't want to go to jail over someone so insignificant..and I don't want to set myself back in the healing process by letting her get the best of me..again. I can handle him though..and I can handle seeing and possibly talking to him again. I just know that I can't handle seeing them together..not yet anyway. But your response didn't confuse me, and I thank you for it! It puts things in perspective and makes me weigh the pros and the cons. Part of me is considering asking a new coworker of mine to pose as a fake boyfriend if he (and she) happen to be there..should be interesting if they agree to it
Author Lilmisus Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 hey, thought i return a advise.. well i'm going through the same thing, i feel that seeing your ex especially with his new girlfriend will be a setback of all your healing, however it will also create acceptations with that issue. but if you are not ready for that acceptations then don't put yourself in that situation. i agree about not hanging in ya old hangout spots, give it some more time until you can handle things like that, you are still in healing process, and healing takes time and patients, do not rush what your heart cannot handle, what's the point of going out with your co-workers to have a good time if seeing your ex and his new thing might ruin your whole night, do yourself a favor, find somewhere else to hang. stay strong! Thank you I feel though, that I already accept that he's moved on. That doesn't phase me as much anymore..the thought of him with another girl. I actually told a couple of people that if they were interested in him..to go for it. I'd be happy if he was with someone, and it was a 100% completely honest relationship..as opposed to what he has now (in my eyes). What upset me was him being with someone I trusted and who described me as a "very close friend" during the time that she was lying to me about seeing him. Some friend, huh? That's what hurts the most..more than anything..and I recognize that fact. It's just hard to remember the betrayal that I felt and still feel every time I see her and them together..that's what hurts the most. And I know, that that's what I'd remember if I saw them again in public..and I want to avoid that at all costs, ya know? But I def will find some new places to hang out at! There are plenty of places around here, especially places he refused to go to..and some of them are just calling my name
carhill Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 I never even think about it. I've taken dates to places my exW and I used to frequent and, honestly, it's like I was never married. Complete disconnection. She's been living with a man since before we were legally divorced so I presume she would/does feel exactly the same way. My sincere belief is, if one has given it their best shot and it's a fail, it's a fail. Let it go and move on. From now on, things will be like that. No unfinished business, no loose ends. Best shot, stay or go; done.
Sugarkane Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 I also wondered the same thing about what people do about the old hangouts. Luckily I don't live near my ex and never have a reason to go anywhere he frequented. So I never ran into him.
Annalisa Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 I live near my ex. So far I haven't run into him but I make it a point to always look good before I leave my house. It just makes me feel better. I don't mean excessive make up or trying too hard. Just clothing you know you look good in so you feel more confident and better about yourself. I have memories of him almost everywhere I go and when we'd just broken up (it's been 2 months now), it really sucked and I'd feel sad. But now I'm much better. When my bus passes by his house, I still look out for him but I don't feel pain anymore. So I guess it depends on how much seeing your ex would bother you. If you think you're ready, then get out there and show him you're having a great time without him! Make sure you wear something amazing . But if you're not ready, then just take your time and hang out somewhere else.
WTRanger Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 My advice would be to go to this place with an easy out in case things don't go so well for you. If you just go with the guy you are interested it, it may not be too easy to leave quickly if you must. If you go, and you see him and you just feel that pit in your stomach do a flip-flop, then you can excuse yourself and head home. Have a good cry, come on here, do what you need to do to grieve. But look at it this way, if that were to happen, that's still a good thing. That's just part of the healing process and accepting things for as they are. I too am always apprehensive about seeing the ex's. Sometimes I'm indifference, but with a select few it's like getting hit by a dump truck. You only ever know which one until you try. But in time, even the dump truck ones have come to sweet indifference. They just took a bit more time.
Karala Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 I'm concerned about this too. My dance school which I go to almost everyday (well not these days, as long as I'm staying at my parents' place grieving over my recent breakup) is located very near to where my ex lives, and in the same street as his workplace. I actually already bumped into him by accident once since our "first" breakup. But then I was in "strategy" mode and acted cool and aloof. Now that the masks are down, I don't know how I'll be able to handle it if we're ever to bump into each other again.
yolatanga Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 So hard, I know. I have a place that is considered "mine" and lately my ex shows up all the time. He has no one nor anyone where else to go? Of course he does. We had a horrible break up 7 mos ago. He will communicate via e-mail but not in person. He'll stand right next to me and not say one word. That to me is "two faced". That would piss me off and I would react. My friends would say hi to him and he would say "oh she never loved me...blah, blah, blah". Really? I put up with your crap for 8 yrs for nothing? I know he's not being honest because if he thought I didn't love him he would not have taken care of me financially for 7 mos. post break up. After cussing him out several times and begging him to take responsibility for his actions..I decided to stop it all. Stop my crying, grieving, blaming and pining for someone who is no good for me. I sent him a very nice e-mail (he doesn't deserve) and wished him well. I see he answered but I can't open it. I want to end on a high note. I feel so much better. I have not gone to my place all week. I'm hanging with new friends and working on myself. I think I might like someone which I thought would never happen. I think I'm ready to get out there and date even though it scares me so. Scary to go out dating after 8 yrs. I forgot the rules..LOL I need to be happy. It's time. Thought that would never feel this way. It was like a light switch. We live in a small area. I saw him drive by me today and I didn't cry.
Author Lilmisus Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 My advice would be to go to this place with an easy out in case things don't go so well for you. If you just go with the guy you are interested it, it may not be too easy to leave quickly if you must. If you go, and you see him and you just feel that pit in your stomach do a flip-flop, then you can excuse yourself and head home. Have a good cry, come on here, do what you need to do to grieve. But look at it this way, if that were to happen, that's still a good thing. That's just part of the healing process and accepting things for as they are. I too am always apprehensive about seeing the ex's. Sometimes I'm indifference, but with a select few it's like getting hit by a dump truck. You only ever know which one until you try. But in time, even the dump truck ones have come to sweet indifference. They just took a bit more time. This is really good advice, thank you! Though I'm still unsure if I'm ready or not to go back to that bar with my new coworkers (or friends), I think that if I do, I'll follow your advice of having an easy way out if needed. Let's just see if I do decide to go out with them one of these nights...first step is saying "yes" when they invite me.
Author Lilmisus Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 I live near my ex. So far I haven't run into him but I make it a point to always look good before I leave my house. It just makes me feel better. I don't mean excessive make up or trying too hard. Just clothing you know you look good in so you feel more confident and better about yourself. I have memories of him almost everywhere I go and when we'd just broken up (it's been 2 months now), it really sucked and I'd feel sad. But now I'm much better. When my bus passes by his house, I still look out for him but I don't feel pain anymore. So I guess it depends on how much seeing your ex would bother you. If you think you're ready, then get out there and show him you're having a great time without him! Make sure you wear something amazing . But if you're not ready, then just take your time and hang out somewhere else. Trust me, I got that part down I always try to look my best..not for him, but for me. Plus, though I loathe getting hit on, I like the attention it draws from guys when i walk by. Pretty sure that's normal for most women though I feel ya though on looking out to his place when you pass by..every time I pass by my old job (isn't very often..it's way out of my way to where I'm typically going), I always look to see if his car's there, still. Just out of habit more than anything. Last time I did that was a few days ago I think, but I think when the day comes that you stop looking at your ex's house, and I stop looking for his car, is the day when we can truly say that we've moved on and don't give a rat's ass anymore.
ahoy Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I just go where the **** I want. She broke up with me, I aren't going to miss out on anything in life for fear of bumping into an ex.
WTRanger Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I just go where the **** I want. She broke up with me, I aren't going to miss out on anything in life for fear of bumping into an ex. Very true, but it's also healthy to know your bounds. If you are still in that stage where if you see the ex it'll spin you out of control and before you know it you are at home watching Lifetime movies with the blinds drawn and eating ice cream for the next week. It's usually better to just avoid the known spots the ex will be at. Even if you are at that stage where you know it's not worth the risk, it's usually better to avoid them.
missyhum1 Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Thank you I feel though, that I already accept that he's moved on. That doesn't phase me as much anymore..the thought of him with another girl. I actually told a couple of people that if they were interested in him..to go for it. I'd be happy if he was with someone, and it was a 100% completely honest relationship..as opposed to what he has now (in my eyes). What upset me was him being with someone I trusted and who described me as a "very close friend" during the time that she was lying to me about seeing him. Some friend, huh? That's what hurts the most..more than anything..and I recognize that fact. It's just hard to remember the betrayal that I felt and still feel every time I see her and them together..that's what hurts the most. And I know, that that's what I'd remember if I saw them again in public..and I want to avoid that at all costs, ya know? But I def will find some new places to hang out at! There are plenty of places around here, especially places he refused to go to..and some of them are just calling my name Wow I did not know he is with one of your close friends, that are deep, and it is wrong. When people do bad things, trust me god don’t like ugly and they will both get what they deserve, however of course you seeing them will hurt, don’t put yourself in that situation. That pain is a setback from all the healing you had accomplished. Keep it strong and enjoy your time somewhere else without negatively.
charlieyost Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 I havent been going out! haha. I am the suffer in silence kind of person. So staying home is recovering for me. Till I am ready to speak about my break up. I wonder how she deals with hanging out with her friends who always see ask around. I am just waiting for her best friend to ask me what happened. She has always been very concerned. We broke up for a month already. But her facebook profile still has our photo together and her msn display picture is a picture of me.
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