Futuregirl Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 My boyfriend is bisexual, still very involved with the ex, who is still very needy and in love, and by the way HIV positive. They continued sexual relations after they broke up.. My guy is HIV neg. and I think their sexual activity was low risk stuff but................ omg! The ex, his long term friends, and family live in another city where he goes for wild weekends (without me). He stayed over the ex's house for a weekend when we were just casual dating. According to him they aren't currently sexually active. I don't think any of his friends and family know I exist, I don't know what he wants other than to have me here in the city where he goes to school. I have no feel for whether he's really into exclusivity or what he wants out of a relationship. He had an open relationship with his ex, and when I ask what he wants out of a relationship he's vague or says he doesn't know. I don' t think he ever wants kids or marriage, but he's been vague about a possibility for that. Apart from all of the above he treats me really well and he's very caring. He seems to have deep feelings for me and doesn't want to lose me. The issue is that there are many red flags here, but I can't seem to let go. This guy is sweet to me in ways other guys haven't been, but I'm thinking I shouldn't overlook red flags just because he's nice to me. What do you guys think? I don't want to have prejudice toward someone for their sexual orientation, but I think there are some things going on here that test my trust beyond what's reasonable, and may put me at risk. Any input?
vsmini Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 The issue is that there are many red flags here, You said it yourself. Red flags - A. Still talking to the ex B. Poor communication C. He doesn't want a relationship with you And...you are right - ANY guy can be sweet or nice to you - doesn't mean you have to give 100% percent while he gives 50% Many people go through this and it's always the same turnout - they end up broken hearted and regret wasting so much time making someone else a priority who wasn't even considering making them a top priority
oaks Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Any input? You've asked him what he wants, and perhaps he doesn't know (especially about the longer term stuff like marriage and kids) but he doesn't want to lose you. If he doesn't want to lose you, then he needs to know what you want so that he's got a chance of delivering. I don't think you said what you want. Do you know what you want, and have you told him? What was his reaction?
Sanman Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 You said it yourself. Red flags - A. Still talking to the ex B. Poor communication C. He doesn't want a relationship with you And...you are right - ANY guy can be sweet or nice to you - doesn't mean you have to give 100% percent while he gives 50% Many people go through this and it's always the same turnout - they end up broken hearted and regret wasting so much time making someone else a priority who wasn't even considering making them a top priority Okay, I didn't read the OP in detail. Based on this, I have only one thing to say. If he cannot promise you 100% he will not be having sex with someone who is HIV + and risking your health (not just that he isn't doing so now) , GET OUT! While the situation seems bad, usually I would say do as you please because broken hearts mend, it is not worth risking your health and any future sexual relationships.
Dust Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Any girl involved with a bisexual man is exposing herself to statistically more STI’s especially HIV. The fact that you know he regularly visits his “ex” who he had an open relationship only means one thing… he is almost certainly cheating on you with the HIV guy.
ReadyforLove Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Run for your life. You can't trust him and you don't want to knowingly put your health at risk, do you?
Feelsgoodman Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 My boyfriend is bisexual, still very involved with the ex, who is still very needy and in love, and by the way HIV positive. They continued sexual relations after they broke up.. My guy is HIV neg. You don't know that to a certainty. and I think their sexual activity was low risk stuff but................ omg! You don't know that... The ex, his long term friends, and family live in another city where he goes for wild weekends (without me). He stayed over the ex's house for a weekend when we were just casual dating. According to him they aren't currently sexually active. And you believe that? Apart from all of the above he treats me really well and he's very caring. He seems to have deep feelings for me and doesn't want to lose me. So let me get this straight: he goes to "wild parties" in another town, stays at his gay ex's house, his friends and family don't know you exist...he is basically in an open relationship with you an yet you think that he has deep feelings for you? Are you serious? What do you guys think? I don't want to have prejudice toward someone for their sexual orientation, but I think there are some things going on here that test my trust beyond what's reasonable, and may put me at risk. You think?
Author Futuregirl Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 Thanks everyone for the input. The red flags came up gradually and I've been too close to the situation to have a clear mind about it so a reality check is what I need right now. Oaks: I've tried to talk to him about what I want, but the convo still ends up being kind of vague on his end. I also don't want to change anyone. I figure he's involved with the ex because he wants to be, same with wild times out of town without me, and not making my existence known. Maybe the most respectful thing to both of our needs is to break it off
betterdeal Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 How is what you've got from this chap of any worth to you? Is he worth it?
Author Futuregirl Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 How is what you've got from this chap of any worth to you? Is he worth it? Good question. We really connect, I love the time we spend together, he does lots of sweet and considerate things for me, he makes effort to care for my needs and preferences (well, except the important ones above). He was worth dealing with the bisexuality. But I think accepting that opened the door to end up accepting more... then more... Thanks everyone, this is helping me see things a little more realistically.
Sanman Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Futuregirl, You gave wonderful response to the 'How can a man protect himself' thread and I hope you are using those skills here. I should also mention the one thing I have noticed that in my two bisexual relationships is that friends and lovers are often interchangeable concepts more so than with straight people. Straight people look at one sex for....well sex...and another for friendship largely. Since everyone is fare game bisexually this gets messy and confusing quickly. Even more so for the partner and requires significantly more trust and those friendship and sexual boundaries become easily crossed.
Author Futuregirl Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 Thanks Sanman that was really helpful. Yea not much has been done to help me in the direction of that additional trust, and boundaries around the relationship aren't clear. I end up feeling like a jerk when I try to get a picture of what being in a relationship with me means to him/what he expects (i.e. sexual monogamy) He goes along with what I say, but I don't get anything from him about what he actually wants. As for getting him to tell "stories", which has served me well with people in the past, I get very little. I suppose that's a red flag in itself.
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