Katrina65 Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Hope you guys may have some advice regarding this confusing situation where a guy got close, then ran. Here's the basics: So, I met a guy through work. We don't work the same days or hours, but do know some mutual people. It's enough to give us something in common, but without being strange and awkward if things don't work out. He initiated contact with me. He's taken me on about 8 dates, getting closer each time. The chemistry was not initially there for me, and I was very afraid to get close, as I've been burned pretty bad in the past, and have also been in a difficult and transitional place in life at the moment. I didn't want to be irresponsible and start dating someone at a point that I really don't know what my future is going to be. A friend who knows us both said he is a good guy though, so I decided to take a chance and just go and have some fun times with him without worrying too much about the future. Over time, I came to trust him, and chemistry developed, and I decided, I actually really did genuinely like him as a person. I found myself feeling comforted around him, and happy to talk with him, and felt as if he was truly a good person and very supportive. He was always thoughtful, and we had a lot in common and our dates were always a lot of fun and playful with good conversation; lots of hugs and physical closeness. I never brought up a relationship, but he mentioned he was ready for a relationship in his life, and wanted to see me more often. Mentioned how he wanted to make me a key, so I could come and go as I please. Said he hasn't dated anyone in years until me. Don't think he has anyone on the side--besides, my friend would have told me otherwise. We continued to see each other and get closer. On our last date, we got more intimate--not sex, but as close as you can get without having sex. Afterward, he laid with me for hours and held my hand, laying his head against mine. Finally, he had to leave, and said he'd contact me later. Walked me to my car. Nothing strange or out of the ordinary. Then wham--he became completely distant. He did not contact me when he said he would. I was ok with that. But a few days later, when he did finally contact me, it was totally changed and distant. He stopped chatting with me online, too. I came out to visit him, and he stood me up. He apologized a day later, but nothing beyond that. It's been a week now, and still no contact. He's still been talking with our mutual friends, so I know he's not busy. He always told me that I can be completely upfront and honest with him--he handles this best. I really have no clue what happened, but it appears he doesn't seem to be into me anymore. Or, there was a miscommunication somewhere. I really don't know. I'm wondering at this point, is it best to just cut my losses and move on and not contact him. Or at least let him know how I feel, and see if there is anything that was said or done that has bothered him, that we haven't discussed? I feel so strange getting that emotionally close to someone over the past couple months to just...pretend like the other doesn't exist. I don't even know at this point if I'd want to go on another date, as I feel the trust I developed for him was betrayed. But, at the same time, I would kinda like some closure or to know what's going on. Anyone have any thoughts, based on experience or logic, on whether walking away or having a conversation is the better way to go at this point?
angie16 Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 he backed off. it happens all of the time (it happened to me 2 months ago). Everything is going great then the breaks get put on. DO NOT CONTACT HIM. Give him all the space he needs and DO NOT HAVE "the talk". Let him miss you and see what happens. But do not seem like it's a big deal and try to keep yourself busy and dating others in the meantime.
Author Katrina65 Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 Thanks for the advice, Angie--I'll just continue doing what I'm doing then. When this happened to you a few months ago, did the person ever make a return? How long did they back off for?
angie16 Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Thanks for the advice, Angie--I'll just continue doing what I'm doing then. When this happened to you a few months ago, did the person ever make a return? How long did they back off for? my situation is a bit complicated but yes, after the first month of not talking he had the guts to show at my birthday party. I was shocked. But i played it cool. Then he offered to fix some things in my apartment that needed renovating. He keeps finding more things to fix but he may go a week at times without contacting. So i dont know what is going through his head but if he wants to fix my apartment then fine. I'm trying to date others and stay busy. Of course I want a second go but i will not be the one to initiate. He backed off and had no problem months ago taking me out on lovely dates and buying flowers, etc. So if he wants me back, he knows how to woo me again. I'm really making an effort just to lay low (even though i do admit when i dont hear from him for a few days i get down in the dumps). be strong! you're worth it!
Author Katrina65 Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 Man, that is rough, and I do understand the "feeling down in the dumps" by the confusing behaviors. This was my biggest fear in getting close, actually, as I've already been going through so much crap lately, I wasn't sure I would be able to emotionally handle it if any additional stressors (such as confusing relationship behaviors) were added to the mix, LOL. But I guess, what doesn't kill us just makes us stronger, right? And it sounds like your strategy is a healthy one, full of self respect. I like it. I guess I'll concentrate on the reality of it, rather than the "what if's". And I'm not ok with being treated like I don't exist. If he comes back and wants to go have fun again, I will re-evaluate at that time, and decide if I'm ok with that. But in the meantime, I'll concentrate on having fun by myself, or going out with friends or on other dates. I guess I'll just take it one day at a time, focusing on what makes me happy on any given day:) I guess the hardest part, is I feel I've lost a friend. But, again, things may get better again. And if not, realistically, I was fine before I met him--I don't need him in my life, even though I enjoyed having him around. And even if I don't talk with him again, I enjoyed a good couple months with him that I can look back on fondly. And I guess I can take comfort in the old adage "everything happens for a reason". There were people in my past who I didn't want to be away from, but instead of being an "ending point", they were more a person I needed to meet to further me on the journey of life, but weren't meant to be permanent destinations on the map, if that makes any sense. So, I guess I'll just give it time and see what happens! If he misses me, and I still miss him, maybe we'll talk again. If not, I'm sure I'll survive:) And good luck with your man as well! If he does not come around, I wish you the best in finding another guy who will shower you with the attention and love you deserve:)
angie16 Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Sending you good vibes! Keep your chin up :-) Man, that is rough, and I do understand the "feeling down in the dumps" by the confusing behaviors. This was my biggest fear in getting close, actually, as I've already been going through so much crap lately, I wasn't sure I would be able to emotionally handle it if any additional stressors (such as confusing relationship behaviors) were added to the mix, LOL. But I guess, what doesn't kill us just makes us stronger, right? And it sounds like your strategy is a healthy one, full of self respect. I like it. I guess I'll concentrate on the reality of it, rather than the "what if's". And I'm not ok with being treated like I don't exist. If he comes back and wants to go have fun again, I will re-evaluate at that time, and decide if I'm ok with that. But in the meantime, I'll concentrate on having fun by myself, or going out with friends or on other dates. I guess I'll just take it one day at a time, focusing on what makes me happy on any given day:) I guess the hardest part, is I feel I've lost a friend. But, again, things may get better again. And if not, realistically, I was fine before I met him--I don't need him in my life, even though I enjoyed having him around. And even if I don't talk with him again, I enjoyed a good couple months with him that I can look back on fondly. And I guess I can take comfort in the old adage "everything happens for a reason". There were people in my past who I didn't want to be away from, but instead of being an "ending point", they were more a person I needed to meet to further me on the journey of life, but weren't meant to be permanent destinations on the map, if that makes any sense. So, I guess I'll just give it time and see what happens! If he misses me, and I still miss him, maybe we'll talk again. If not, I'm sure I'll survive:) And good luck with your man as well! If he does not come around, I wish you the best in finding another guy who will shower you with the attention and love you deserve:)
OliveOyl Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I have the opposite advice. I would contact him and ask to meet, and try to figure things out in person. If he balked, I'd try to get some closure. Otherwise you will be living in limbo-land for weeks, and what kind of a relationship is that? It's not. If it were just 2-3 dates, I wouldn't bother contacting him, but after 8 dates? That's quite a lot, heading into relationship territory. If he doesn't give you any closure, I'd just move on completely and write him off. There are plenty of men out there who are capable of a real relationship. He may just not be one of them.
ilovedhim Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I agree with oliveoyl. If you nc without knowing what happened hyou'll be in limbo and never learn from the experience. The best is in person but if he won't give you face time for whatever reason do it on the phone. Although id wait for a meeting. He may have thought you weren't into him, or not interested because you said you didn't have sex. Personally don't see anything wrong withthis but sometimes guys take it as rejection. Talk it out even if you do split atleast you'll know why.
daphne Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Katrina, I completely agree with Angie. I have found this approach to be the best at going with the flow, and respecting yourself. If you chase him, he will surely go away. Forcing the conversaton is a bit controlling. He's not having it, because he doesn't want to at this time. Period. Move on with your life. If he comes back, deal with it then. Do not wait around for him. He's showing you that he's unreliable right now. That may or may not change. Unfortunately, it usually does not so you have got to read between the lines.
honeybeez Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Hi Katrina Have to agree, in my experience trying to talk this over won't help. Men don't work like us, they do actions rather than words and 'talks' with men rarely solve anything, I'm trying to actually remember a time when talking did help - nope, can't think of one Who knows why he balked, but does it matter? Could be any of a million reasons, but the fact is that he did. I say this with love - If he still wanted to be with you nothing would have stopped him! Just be yourself and enjoy your life! There is a remote possibility he may come back saying he's made a mistake and wanting to see you again. Some guys are like rubber bands boinging backwards and forwards for as long as we let them. Only you'll know if you're up for that
SJC2008 Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 He does not deserve you in my opinion. It sounds like you're the one who gave him a chance which speaks volumes of the kind of person you are. He told you he's ready for a relationship and pulls this crap. If you want a relationship at this point in you're life then I would cut your losses NOW and find someone who is not into games, because if he acts like this this early on how will he be if you get more involved? Don't wait to find out.
Author Katrina65 Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 Thanks guys. I basically ended up taking a combination of advice here. I did contact him to see if we could meet in person, but as expected, he just ignored it--so, I took this as yet another sign, it's just not meant to be. So, for my own closure, I wrote him a letter thanking him for all the good times and being the awesome, supportive soul he was, but also letting him know I was disappointed with the lack of communication and personally found it disrespectful, considering the length of time we'd spent hanging out and the fact I considered him a friend, too. I let him know that although it's ok to need space, or change our minds about things, for me, the complete lack of communication is a deal breaker, so I am moving on, as I don't want that in my life. I suggested in the future, if he finds himself in a similar situation, to communicate instead of ignore, as it can be hurtful and confusing to the other party. I genuinely wished him the best from this point forward, with no hard feelings, and no expectations to hear from him. I deleted his phone number, and now feel I can at least leave this in the past, and focus on a brighter future. At least I've made a little more space in my life for myself, and anyone else who wants to communicate and have some good times:)
runner Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Thanks guys. I basically ended up taking a combination of advice here. I did contact him to see if we could meet in person, but as expected, he just ignored it--so, I took this as yet another sign, it's just not meant to be. So, for my own closure, I wrote him a letter thanking him for all the good times and being the awesome, supportive soul he was, but also letting him know I was disappointed with the lack of communication and personally found it disrespectful, considering the length of time we'd spent hanging out and the fact I considered him a friend, too. I let him know that although it's ok to need space, or change our minds about things, for me, the complete lack of communication is a deal breaker, so I am moving on, as I don't want that in my life. I suggested in the future, if he finds himself in a similar situation, to communicate instead of ignore, as it can be hurtful and confusing to the other party. I genuinely wished him the best from this point forward, with no hard feelings, and no expectations to hear from him. I deleted his phone number, and now feel I can at least leave this in the past, and focus on a brighter future. At least I've made a little more space in my life for myself, and anyone else who wants to communicate and have some good times:) yep, and he can say good bye to his "good guy" image that he had with your mutual friends.
Pasttense Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 The possibility that occurs to me is that he heard a nasty rumor about you that he believes. Doesn't anyone think this is a possibility?
NicoleM Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Katrina I did the same thing ( kinda had a situation like yours) and wrote him a letter naturally he never responded:rolleyes: I even said you can be cowardly or you can tell me the truth. Guess what he chose? Yep cowardly..... Oh,well his loss.
Author Katrina65 Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 Whoa, I HAVE actually wondered about that Pasttense. I'm shy and barely talk with anyone at work, and have little interaction with people there (which of course, I'm sure, makes people all the more likely to make up stuff about me to fill in the blanks regarding what they DON'T know)...but have heard rumors about me at work, that are completely laughably ridiculous and absolutely not based in reality in any way, shape or form. I was actually humored to hear how intense some of them were, and that they were so off base. The guy I was dating and I even joked about how funny they were, so he seemed to know they were not true. I do wonder if people have been feeding him rumors as well though, and if he'd be unwise enough to believe them, and form opinions about me based on them...and judge me based on rumors that are complete fiction. That would make me really, really sad. He did mention that he wasn't talking about me with any coworkers, in an effort to avoid any rumors from spreading. Although, his distance did definitely seem to occur right after we got physically more intimate. So, it makes me believe it was something about getting closer that caused this distance. But, this rumor theory does have merit, especially in my work, where it seems everyone has nothing better to do than make crap up and gossip. It's annoying.
Author Katrina65 Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 I'm thinking, by the way, though, that it's probably somehow related to commitment phobia. I've dated a few commitment phobic people before, and the pattern seems generally the same. Very sweet and very good at pursuing, and then the second intimacy is involved, they back off and become cold. It's funny, because I was a bit afraid to become close, and, it was exactly for this reason--as, the last commitment phobe I dated skedaddled the second he scored, which was certainly traumatic. I noticed additional behaviors that hinted at possible commitment issues as well, such as always arriving late to dates. Not calling when he said he would. Being middle aged, yet never married or in a committed relationship. The last relationship being years ago, and only lasting a few months. Not having any pets, moving around a lot, no real furniture--not even a bed, etc. Of course, I tried to look past these things, and see the positives in them, but now, I'm thinking they were probably red flags that should have made me be more cautious and expect this outcome. I guess I live and I learn.
fishtaco Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Not knowing your situation, I can't say. But I can tell you this. I'm looking for LTR, not quickie sex, so I'm okay with waiting until she's ready to have sex. But if a woman doesn't want to have sex with me, then she shouldn't even go there. If things got really close, then she shuts me down right before sex is about to happen, I'd feel like I just got played. She would need some pretty damn good explanation. I have enough respect for her to wait till she ready, she should have enough respect for me to not mess around with me like that. I think that's a reasonable thing to expect. I have had women pull this kind of crap with me before, I think three times. Two of them, I've distanced myself from them immediately. They both eventually tried to re-establish contact, and I was polite and civilized, but not interested. One kept communication open and talked to me right away, and convinced me her side of the story. I gave her the benefit of the doubt, but the condition I gave her was that there is no spending the night at each other's place until we're ready for sex. Then a couple of weeks later she asked me to spend the night at her place, we had sex, and we eventually started a LTR. But not knowing anything about your situation, this may not apply at all. Just throwing it out there.
PinkInTheLimo Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I have the opposite advice. I would contact him and ask to meet, and try to figure things out in person. If he balked, I'd try to get some closure. Otherwise you will be living in limbo-land for weeks, and what kind of a relationship is that? It's not. If it were just 2-3 dates, I wouldn't bother contacting him, but after 8 dates? That's quite a lot, heading into relationship territory. If he doesn't give you any closure, I'd just move on completely and write him off. There are plenty of men out there who are capable of a real relationship. He may just not be one of them. I totally agree. Take your power back. Ask for a conversation about this, ask for clarification. If he does not want to give you this, he is a coward and not worth your time. I'm sorry this happens to you. It seems that there are guys out there who enjoy this: lure a woman in and then dump her the moment they feel she is into them. Confronting him will show you if he is one of these men. Everything is better than to stay in limbo.
denisss Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I'll be brutally honestly and speak from my experience and thought process. Part of the excitement with dating and meeting a new woman is in the chase and in all those meetings and moments when you are getting to know each other. That's when everything feels so fresh and interesting, and it's almost like a challenge or a task. You want the woman to like you and you want to win her over. But then, if and when you do actually win her over, you're then left with a decision: do you actually like her and want to be with her or are you not actually up for a serious relationship. It sounds harsh and heartless, but we all play games in some ways. Maybe this was part of a game for him and he never really wanted a relationship. Or maybe I've misread the situation.
iJester Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Maybe you gave him a toothy blowjob. Or maybe he decided to cut his losses after you faked on him and shut him down for sex...after 8 dates.
leoc1973 Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Angie, I had to check your profile cause I thought you were my ex. Every single thing you wrote about was literally exact. Even your being in nyc. lol I was actually a little disappointed when I realized it wasn't her cause the new guy that you are talking to would have explained a lot of things for me. I know that is off subject it was just way to weird.
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