Lita5051 Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I am sure this will be too long, but I am mostly posting here to work through my thoughts and, possibly, get some feedback from any of you who happen upon my story. I already intellectually know the answers and am dealing with my bad choices, hurt and guilt. But, as many of you know, dealing with something intellectually is vastly different than dealing with your emotions. About seven years ago, I met a man at an event and we had an immediate attraction and insane chemistry (with the help of a few cocktails). At that time, he informed me that he was engaged to be married "soon". I never asked how soon. We had what I would label a "fling" We saw each other two times after our initial meeting, both intimate. He disappeared. No emails, no calls, nothing. Vanished. I was actually OK with it and chalked it up to a last fling before he took the plunge. Fast forward to last September, I get an email from him through my Facebook account asking if I was "THE" one he had met years before, and if that was the case, was wishing me well. I laughed, emailed back and discovered that he has two young kids and that for him, married life is well, "married life". (his description). We didn't communicate again until January. We met for coffee. The chemistry was still palpable. It freaked me out that after so many year and this time without the help of that cocktail that I would still be so attracted to him. So, against all that I know is right (not only morally, but for my life)...I enter into an affair with this man. We both travel extensively for work, so we primarliy spoke while on the road, text messaged, instant messaged, and saw each other when his flights could be conveniently "delayed". I was crazy about him. We had fun together. I never talked with him on weekends, and sometimes 3-4 days would go by without any communication. It actually worked for me. He said early on that he wouldn't leave his family. Of course, I got the whole...my wife and I never have sex (no, I didn't believe him). He was the one who started to get more "emotional". He wanted me to be his girlfriend and acted jealous when I had casual dates with other men. He claims that he asked his wife if they could live together, but have separate love lives. In his mind, he is not ready to leave the family home or his kids, but wants to "slowly move toward having separate lives". Whatever. We probably really only were together about 7 or 8 times over the 4 months. In late April, we both happened to have business trips to the same city. We spent one night together. Our first "sleepover". He asked me if I wanted him to take his wedding band off. I said that I didn't care, it didn't make him "not married". He said that he wanted to remove it - and did. He said he was falling in love with me. Hmmmmm. We had the same flight back to our city and parted ways at the airport. Here is the summary of our communication since that trip: May 4th - IM conversation. He says he has to jump on a conference call for work and will "be right back". Apparently, be right back means different things to different people...silence May 10th - I am over it, so I send a text message that says exactly these words "I think I need to talk with you when you are able". No response. May 12th - I send a quick "Happy Birthday"" instant message. No response. May 16th - I get a phone call from him. His voice mail message says that he "assumes that I am not getting his text messages, that he got a new phone and apparently couldn't figure out how to text. He would fill me in on what happened to his phone when we spoke" He didn't sound upset or worried in the least. I phone back and leave a "Hey, I am calling you back message" No response. May 19th - I send an email that asking if he is pulling a second disappearing act on me. I tell him that it is OK if he needs to just walk away and that I will pretend that he has been kidnapped by pirates and is being kept from all forms of modern technology. I wish him well and tell him that I will miss him. No response. So 12 Days of absolute NC and 4 weeks since we had a conversation of sorts. So that is the story. I am not even sure why I feel so upset. If I actually look at the amount of time we spent together, including the amount of time we communicated - it is like 2 months. I will say that the ONLY thing I asked of him was to NOT disappear on me again as he had done years before. I shouldn't be shocked, but I am. I realize that this type of relationship doesn't exactly demand respect, but sheesh...the ONLY thing I asked him to do for me, he couldn't do. I think I miss him and am more saddened by this loss than I should be. Shouldn't I just be pissed off? I can't seem to get to that stage. If you got this far, thanks for reading. Any insights are encouraged.
Author Lita5051 Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 He has several OWs like you all over the place and he can only do so much between taking care of his wife and all the other OWs. He is a philanderer. These folks cheat all the time and they can always find naive women. I suggest you go NC. I don't have to tell you that you are very naive. I can believe you fell for the ILY and the act of taking his wedding band off. This guy is very cheesy. I hadn't thought of the "Other" Other Women option, but it is an idea. I am probably naive, but even I thought the ring removal was cheesy, Pierre. Thanks for the input. Certainly food fo thought.
Author Lita5051 Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 Many of your points ring true. Will definitely read some of your suggestions. Thanks a bunch! Hopefully through reading those articles and browsing that site you find some answers and closures so you can move forward from this
Author Lita5051 Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 No telling why he's disappeared again. Could be guilt, his W is catching on that something is up, anything...but it's the ONE thing you asked him not to do. That really has to do with respect and if he can't honor that one request from you, I'd have to question if he's really all that special to begin with. The sex and chemistry might be great, good conversation, etc., but if he can't show you the smallest sliver of respect by at least telling you what's up, is he really worth your time and worry? Thank you. You are right. Like I said, my head knows these things...stupid heart!
Author Lita5051 Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 He sounds like a huge manipulator to me. I wanted to say a$$ which I think applies as well. I'd bet he'll be back when he's horny, lonely, bored, pissed at his wife, etc.. I hope you aren't available. Yes, I can't expect him to show me respect if I can't respect myself. Thank you for reading my story and for taking the time to reply
Author Lita5051 Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 You'd think that I wouldn't be surprised. After all this is a man would cheat on his wife 4 weeks prior to their wedding. Sigh...
Mimolicious Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Welcome to LS Lita. Sounds like he may have more chicks to entertain or can he be on vacation? You did say that he had a birthday. Maybe he got caught or his W is snooping and he is being discreet. Possibilities are endless. I hope you apply your time to getting out there!
TurboGirl Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 You'd think that I wouldn't be surprised. After all this is a man would cheat on his wife 4 weeks prior to their wedding. Sigh... There you have it. He sought you out, I would bet, with the intention of starting another fling. I also think he may have or had a few other women on the side too. I wouldn't think guilt would have entered into the fact that he didn't contact you again after you actually spoke wto him and he said he would call you right back! What a jerk and very immature. Sounds like a narcissistic serial cheater. My xMM did that to me after 2.5 years... (and you think you feel bad NOW?!) I understand about the sadness, that will take some time to pass. Please do NOT contact this user again. As for just leaving you hanging, guys like this one have no respect for women, period. You weren't the first and you won't be the last. If you haven't already, done so, please unfriend him on fb. Sorry that you are hurting and sad... I know the feeling. It's going to take some time for you to feel better.
Author Lita5051 Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 Welcome to LS Lita. Sounds like he may have more chicks to entertain or can he be on vacation? You did say that he had a birthday. Maybe he got caught or his W is snooping and he is being discreet. Possibilities are endless. I hope you apply your time to getting out there! That is what is killing me, I guess...the endless possibilities...I just want to know. I know that it shouldn't matter, but I think the not knowing is making my brain think about it too much. Yes, trying to get out there! Thanks!
Author Lita5051 Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 There you have it. He sought you out, I would bet, with the intention of starting another fling. I also think he may have or had a few other women on the side too. I wouldn't think guilt would have entered into the fact that he didn't contact you again after you actually spoke wto him and he said he would call you right back! What a jerk and very immature. Sounds like a narcissistic serial cheater. My xMM did that to me after 2.5 years... (and you think you feel bad NOW?!) I understand about the sadness, that will take some time to pass. Please do NOT contact this user again. As for just leaving you hanging, guys like this one have no respect for women, period. You weren't the first and you won't be the last. If you haven't already, done so, please unfriend him on fb. Sorry that you are hurting and sad... I know the feeling. It's going to take some time for you to feel better. thanks. I never did friend him on FB, so no worries there! I did delete him from my IM chat, and his numbers from my phone. Now, if I could just get my brain to forget that number!! lol Your xMM just disappeared without a word after 2.5 years?? Yikes. Did you ever hear what happened?
So Very Confused Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 That is what is killing me, I guess...the endless possibilities...I just want to know. I know that it shouldn't matter, but I think the not knowing is making my brain think about it too much. Yes, trying to get out there! Thanks! I'm in a similar situation. It's easy for me to give advice and hard for me to take my own, but the question really isn't why he's treating you this way. The real question is why you are letting it get to you. He's a cheater. He's a liar. He's not something you want long-term anyway. When you start thinking about "why", remind yourself that you deserve so much better and think about why that is so.
Author Lita5051 Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 I'm in a similar situation. It's easy for me to give advice and hard for me to take my own, but the question really isn't why he's treating you this way. The real question is why you are letting it get to you. He's a cheater. He's a liar. He's not something you want long-term anyway. When you start thinking about "why", remind yourself that you deserve so much better and think about why that is so. Yeah. I really want to take (what little is left) of the high road, so I won't be contacting him for an explanation. I know that it isn't anything that I did...and any reasoning he gives for his vanishing won't make sense. Even if he was caught or is being super cautious, it takes like 2 seconds to send a text or email that reads "I can't do this anymore". My guess is that if there is no finality (in his mind), he has a little bit of an open door to come back if he changes his mind, gets bored, horny, etc. etc.
whichwayisup Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Stop listening to your heart and emotions and listen to your head and gut. He is such an ass.hole and he knows it too. Honestly, don't even bother with him anymore. MAKE YOURSELF pop that fantasy bubble and how he made you feel and let go of him. He is soooooooooo NOT worth your tears, your energy or love/lust.
fooled once Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 So my question is, when he contacts you again, wanting to resume the affair, what will your response be.
Author Lita5051 Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 Lita: You sound like a wonderful woman an this guy sounds like a loser. The question is why are you attracted to this loser? I suspect you have low self esteem and when you see a man doing a cheesy smooth act to attract women you fall for it. OTOH, women that are secure and not needy get nauseous by men like this. Furthermore, you are consumed by the idea of figuring why he does not contact you. Do you realize that is a moot point? Understand this is all about him and you are just a number. You need to figure out why you think that a man that is about to get married and cheats on his girlfriend is attractive. Most normal women would instantly know the man is a jerk and a loser. You need to figure out why you fell for the oldest line in the book of cheating men "my wife does not have sex with me." Pierre! You are correct in many of your points. I would never think of myself as someone with low self-esteem and I think most of my friends would laugh at the suggestion, but there must be some truth to that notion. Just for the record, I NEVER bought the "my wife doesn't have sex with me" line. I think I have some issues to sort out on my own that include my own commitment-phobia and maybe some strange idea that if another woman thinks he is a catch...then he must be OK. Or maybe, if I was really honest with myself - it could be the competition factor. As for wanting to know why he disappeared, I get that isn't the most healthy desire...but I also love reality television and I am a sucker for a train wreck story. I know it ultimately makes no difference, but I just wanna know what happened!! My mind has a way of making up all kinds of reasons and it is driving me bonkers and keeping me from moving forward. Does any of that make sense?
whichwayisup Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Yeah. I really want to take (what little is left) of the high road, so I won't be contacting him for an explanation. I know that it isn't anything that I did...and any reasoning he gives for his vanishing won't make sense. Even if he was caught or is being super cautious, it takes like 2 seconds to send a text or email that reads "I can't do this anymore". My guess is that if there is no finality (in his mind), he has a little bit of an open door to come back if he changes his mind, gets bored, horny, etc. etc. You are right..It takes 2 seconds to do..A text, a call, an email. He didn't do that and THAT says A LOT! There's no excuse, none at all. Please, be done with him... He's assholish actions are showing you WHO he truly is. Don't be his side dish, his ego feed and please, you MUST know he's so full of shi,t.. His poor wife.. Be glad you aren't married to this scumbag.
whichwayisup Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 but I just wanna know what happened!! My mind has a way of making up all kinds of reasons and it is driving me bonkers and keeping me from moving forward. Does any of that make sense? This ego and the drama part of your brain that wants to know (not saying you're dramatic or anything, okay?) hope that makes sense.. In your heart deep down, you know..why.. It's just best to let go and put this out of your head as much as you can.
Author Lita5051 Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 So my question is, when he contacts you again, wanting to resume the affair, what will your response be. Gawd! I sincerely hope I don't respond to him at all. But, if I do respond, I hope I tell him to F*%k Off! And, I hope it isnt for a while....that way, I have time to build up a little strength.
Author Lita5051 Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 This ego and the drama part of your brain that wants to know (not saying you're dramatic or anything, okay?) hope that makes sense.. In your heart deep down, you know..why.. It's just best to let go and put this out of your head as much as you can. You are right. No offense taken in regards to the drama part...I like to think that I am a "creative thinker" haha! That is why I decided to pretend that he had been kidnapped by pirates and was being kept from all forms of modern communication.
whichwayisup Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Gawd! I sincerely hope I don't respond to him at all. But, if I do respond, I hope I tell him to F*%k Off! And, I hope it isnt for a while....that way, I have time to build up a little strength. :lmao: Oh when you get angry enough I hope you do tell him to F off. But, only if he contacts you first. I would take it a step further and say "F OFF, If you contact me ever again, I WILL talk to your wife. Don't think I won't do it either. Goodbye." Oh to be a fly on the wall..
Beeotch Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Lita: You sound like a wonderful woman an this guy sounds like a loser. The question is why are you attracted to this loser? I suspect you have low self esteem and when you see a man doing a cheesy smooth act to attract women you fall for it. OTOH, women that are secure and not needy get nauseous by men like this. Furthermore, you are consumed by the idea of figuring why he does not contact you. Do you realize that is a moot point? Understand this is all about him and you are just a number. You need to figure out why you think that a man that is about to get married and cheats on his girlfriend is attractive. Most normal women would instantly know the man is a jerk and a loser. You need to figure out why you fell for the oldest line in the book of cheating men "my wife does not have sex with me." So very true! I learned to ask MYSELF those questions....and realize, okay yea something is wrong with this person, but something is also wrong with MY thinking as why else would I engage the situation 1. and 2. Spend so much time trying to figure it out when it dissipates! If I am not screaming and running the other way from such scenarios then I'm not in the strongest place. I would have took exception to someone saying I had low self esteem a few months ago, still would I mean the truth hurts. My friend had actually told me that I was addicted to men and I got furious...but it was the truth! I had assumed compromised self worth would be a promiscuous woman, a woman who financially supports a man or some such cliched notion when in reality there are different manifestations and degrees of compromised self worth. It was ugly to look at and see this about myself, but it's the truth and the sooner you start questioning yourself, your values and take off the blinders, the sooner you see things as they are and elevate yourself to where you'd like to be.
Author Lita5051 Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 So very true! I learned to ask MYSELF those questions....and realize, okay yea something is wrong with this person, but something is also wrong with MY thinking as why else would I engage the situation 1. and 2. Spend so much time trying to figure it out when it dissipates! If I am not screaming and running the other way from such scenarios then I'm not in the strongest place. I would have took exception to someone saying I had low self esteem a few months ago, still would I mean the truth hurts. My friend had actually told me that I was addicted to men and I got furious...but it was the truth! I had assumed compromised self worth would be a promiscuous woman, a woman who financially supports a man or some such cliched notion when in reality there are different manifestations and degrees of compromised self worth. It was ugly to look at and see this about myself, but it's the truth and the sooner you start questioning yourself, your values and take off the blinders, the sooner you see things as they are and elevate yourself to where you'd like to be. Believe me, the questioning has begun!! Thanks for your insight and for the earlier reading suggestions, B.
Beeotch Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Believe me, the questioning has begun!! Thanks for your insight and for the earlier reading suggestions, B. You're welcome
TurboGirl Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Lita, Please please please do not respond to him if he contacts you. Even a "F*** Off" (yeah, I know, it would feel good, but...) First, it will open a door of communication, and it lets him know that you still care enough to say F*** Off !!! No threatening to tell the wife, that could bring more drama your way than you would want in a million years. And this type of guy can/will/try to worm his way back in. If he calls or emails, or texts... don't respond. Frankly I don't think he will contact you. You spoke to this P**** on the phone, remember? And he said he would call you right back?! To me, right back means a few minutes... not... 30 days & counting. He has your phone number. He doesn't want to talk with you. Doesn't value you enough to be a man and say, Hey, I can't do this anymore. He is cruel (IMHO) and a person without a soul. I think he has you on ice at the moment, until he gets bored... or lonely, etc., when he is traveling. No I have not heard from my xMM again... the ending was pretty rough b/c I called him on a few things he said... apparently he didn't like me questioning his royal greatness! And thus sent me a break up text... LOL... no amount of me calling and asking why, or saying let's talk about it, etc. - he wouldn't answer my call! And never returned my call to discuss in an adult way or end in an adult way. Yep, dumped via text after 2.5 (closer to 3 years, actually) How charming. How special. I hate ending things on a bad or mean note. However, many men, especially the married ones who have a wifey at home, don't give a crap about how much they hurt any other women. Secretly I think the ones who cheat (not all, but many) really don't like women and can't find a way to be intimate with the one they have at home. So they cheat... and get their jollies by being mean and or cruel whenever they wish. The MM know they are hurting the wife by cheating... and then can be as distant or mean or treat the OW however they wish because the MM's pat excuse is I'm Married...
bigmomma1974 Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Getting involved with a married person is dangerous territory. someone is bound to get hurt and its usually the other woman, after the wife finds out. There are so many available men and women out there I do not get why people get involved with a married person and then feel betrayed or abandoned by them. Hello they are cheating on their spouse so what makes you think you will be any different... I would leave well enough alone and find someone who can devote all his time and attention to just you. Good luck.
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