herenow Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 (edited) posters claiming that people think "affairs NEVER work out". No one ever said that they NEVER work out. It is very clear based on facts, that some affairs DO work out. However, based on fact, MOST don't. Most cause pain to both the OW and the BW (assuming both know the affair exists). What we talk about most on this board are the ones that don't work out. Does that mean we never talk about the ones that do? Does that mean we think they never work out? Of course not. Many of us have been very clear that we know affairs can work out. But, for some reason, there are those that continue to post that we just can't admit it. Some people get hit by lightening or win the lottery, most don't. Does that mean those things don't happen? No, it does not. So, once and for all, AFFAIRS SOMETIMES DO WORK OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm happy for those who have happy endings. Can we now move pasted this very obvious fact and accept that everyone knows that some affairs do work out? Thank you. Edited June 1, 2011 by herenow
donnamaybe Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I KNOW, HUH?! We get it! YOUR A worked out - SO far. Even for A's that end in the AP's getting together, it COULD have happened in a more honest, forthright way without all the lying and sneaking around. However, you are absolutely right in that MOST of them do NOT work out.
Author herenow Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 Please don't think I'm saying that people who have affairs that work out shouldn't post their stories. Obviously such posts are very relevant to this forum. Just know that eveyone accepts the fact that some affairs do work out. It's the claims that we don't get that fact that are frustrating to me.
donnamaybe Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Please don't think I'm saying that people who have affairs that work out shouldn't post their stories. Obviously such posts are very relevant to this forum. Just know that eveyone accepts the fact that some affairs do work out. It's the claims that we don't get that fact that are frustrating to me. Of course some work out. We've read about them. What really chaps my hide is when someone makes a thread about what they went through - the type that do NOT work out and someone comes along and has to jack the thread and make it about something completely different - i.e. THEIR A situation.
Bluebelle38 Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Of course most don't work out. The men aren't stupid and are looking at what they are going to lose monetary for leaving. A few of my friends have had affairs, and it has always ended the same.... they hang in there until they give an ultimatum all heartbroken and the man goes back to what is safe until the next victim comes along that will put up with that ****. If someone meets a married man, has a connection and he leaves his marriage within a matter of months then fair enough, but when it drags on it is because he wants it to.There will always be women (and men) willing to wait around forever, but if you have any self worth and respect for yourself you put your cards on the table and deal with it. Waiting for a married man to decide your future is nothing short of sad and desperate.
donnamaybe Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 If someone meets a married man, has a connection and he leaves his marriage within a matter of months then fair enough, but when it drags on it is because he wants it to.Very succinctly put.
Author herenow Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 Of course most don't work out. The men aren't stupid and are looking at what they are going to lose monetary for leaving. #2 claim that I'm tired of. People who claim that the MM only stays married for money, or kids, or whatever. If we are to accept that some affairs work out, why can't some people accept that the MM just may actually love his wife? Now, I'm sure there are those (MM and BW) who stay married for reasons other than love. But, isn't it possible that love is the reason they stay married?
jthorne Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Herenow, Those people are desperately in need of validation. Please try to be more understanding.
Author herenow Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 Herenow, Those people are desperately in need of validation. Please try to be more understanding. Yes but: We give them validation. We congratulate them. We tell them time and again that we know affairs can work out. No matter what we say, we are accused of not being able to admit that affairs work out and they can be happy. Why is that? However, some of those same people tell us that our H's only stay because of anything but love. Why is that? If we can admit that some leave, why can't they admit that some stay for love?
crazycatlady Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Yes but: We give them validation. We congratulate them. We tell them time and again that we know affairs can work out. No matter what we say, we are accused of not being able to admit that affairs work out and they can be happy. Why is that? However, some of those same people tell us that our H's only stay because of anything but love. Why is that? If we can admit that some leave, why can't they admit that some stay for love? But don't you know that BWs only take them back because they have no self-confidence or self-worth? I do so hear what you are saying....
jthorne Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 A person that constantly needs validation needs it for what purpose? To alleviate the insecurity perhaps? Admitting some stay for love could potentially expose that insecurity.
Author herenow Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 A person that constantly needs validation needs it for what purpose? To alleviate the insecurity perhaps? Admitting some stay for love could potentially expose that insecurity. Ok, I see your point now.
whichwayisup Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 posters claiming that people think "affairs NEVER work out". No one ever said that they NEVER work out. It is very clear based on facts, that some affairs DO work out. However, based on fact, MOST don't. Most cause pain to both the OW and the BW (assuming both know the affair exists). What we talk about most on this board are the ones that don't work out. Does that mean we never talk about the ones that do? Does that mean we think they never work out? Of course not. Many of us have been very clear that we know affairs can work out. But, for some reason, there are those that continue to post that we just can't admit it. Some people get hit by lightening or win the lottery, most don't. Does that mean those things don't happen? No, it does not. So, once and for all, AFFAIRS SOMETIMES DO WORK OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm happy for those who have happy endings. Can we now move pasted this very obvious fact and accept that everyone knows that some affairs do work out? Thank you. Thanks for posting this. I was accused yesterday of saying that affairs NEVER work out. WTF, I've always said most don't work out, but some do, especially when there's a real plan in place and actions are followed up to make it happen. Obviously some A's turn into something more and a divorce happens so the two can be together. Though mostly on LS besides a handful of OW who are now married to their MM, do not work out. It's such a tiresome and stupid argument to have when it gets brought up over and over again, almost as bad as the 'what one feels support is.'..
Author herenow Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 Thanks for posting this. I was accused yesterday of saying that affairs NEVER work out. WTF, I've always said most don't work out, but some do, especially when there's a real plan in place and actions are followed up to make it happen. Obviously some A's turn into something more and a divorce happens so the two can be together. Though mostly on LS besides a handful of OW who are now married to their MM, do not work out. It's such a tiresome and stupid argument to have when it gets brought up over and over again, almost as bad as the 'what one feels support is.'.. Yup, saw it. Instead of a TJ over there I thought the topic deserved it's own thread. You are the most considerate poster on this forum IMO. I was shocked to see someone accuse you of not understanding the facts.
whichwayisup Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Yup, saw it. Instead of a TJ over there I thought the topic deserved it's own thread. You are the most considerate poster on this forum IMO. I was shocked to see someone accuse you of not understanding the facts. Aww, thanks.. Though yesterdays thread did make me laugh so if she thought I was upset or angry, that's just narcissist and wishful thinking on her behalf!
swimmingfreely Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 posters claiming that people think "affairs NEVER work out". No one ever said that they NEVER work out. It is very clear based on facts, that some affairs DO work out. However, based on fact, MOST don't. Most cause pain to both the OW and the BW (assuming both know the affair exists). What we talk about most on this board are the ones that don't work out. Does that mean we never talk about the ones that do? Does that mean we think they never work out? Of course not. Many of us have been very clear that we know affairs can work out. But, for some reason, there are those that continue to post that we just can't admit it. Some people get hit by lightening or win the lottery, most don't. Does that mean those things don't happen? No, it does not. So, once and for all, AFFAIRS SOMETIMES DO WORK OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm happy for those who have happy endings. Can we now move pasted this very obvious fact and accept that everyone knows that some affairs do work out? Thank you. Love has no rules !!
TigerCub Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 #2 claim that I'm tired of. People who claim that the MM only stays married for money, or kids, or whatever. If we are to accept that some affairs work out, why can't some people accept that the MM just may actually love his wife? Now, I'm sure there are those (MM and BW) who stay married for reasons other than love. But, isn't it possible that love is the reason they stay married? I really respect you so what I'm saying is not meant to challenge your own experiences. but...the idea that it is love for the BS seems almost far fetched to a person in an A. because lets be honest here, playing someone for a fool, lying to them, cheating on them, screwing someone behind their back and bad mouthing them to their AP are not loving actions. That's why an AP would think that love isn't the real reason they are staying. HOWEVER... I will say that from my experience with xMM he actually said that there was some love there (they had 2 kids together and had been together for ~9 years) - They have a history, there is love there, but really how great is that love if he had cheated on her almost throughout their entire relationship? (not with me)... At the end of it all though - I don't think he even loved me - though he said he did many times because it is all about actions in the end. I never deluded myself by saying that "No, he doesn't love her", but the kind of love that man has to offer is certainly not the kind of love I want. I'm not here to argue with you and say that there is no love between spouses. I firmly believe that people are exactly where they want to be, but I'm just explaining that as someone that was the OW, I believed when he said that "there was love there" (he actually never said, I love her) - but his actions didn't seem to be proving that - anywhos...I'm totally rambling...
Author herenow Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 I really respect you so what I'm saying is not meant to challenge your own experiences. but...the idea that it is love for the BS seems almost far fetched to a person in an A. because lets be honest here, playing someone for a fool, lying to them, cheating on them, screwing someone behind their back and bad mouthing them to their AP are not loving actions. That's why an AP would think that love isn't the real reason they are staying. HOWEVER... I will say that from my experience with xMM he actually said that there was some love there (they had 2 kids together and had been together for ~9 years) - They have a history, there is love there, but really how great is that love if he had cheated on her almost throughout their entire relationship? (not with me)... At the end of it all though - I don't think he even loved me - though he said he did many times because it is all about actions in the end. I never deluded myself by saying that "No, he doesn't love her", but the kind of love that man has to offer is certainly not the kind of love I want. I'm not here to argue with you and say that there is no love between spouses. I firmly believe that people are exactly where they want to be, but I'm just explaining that as someone that was the OW, I believed when he said that "there was love there" (he actually never said, I love her) - but his actions didn't seem to be proving that - anywhos...I'm totally rambling... I totally see where your are coming from. And, I agree. IMO, the MM doesn't really love either woman while having a relationship with both. I also agree, I don't want that kind of love. I'm just saying that it is possible, when all is said and done, that he stays for love. I can get into my own story but that would be another thread. I will say that my H did admit that during the affair he didn't love anyone including himself. Had he told me: "Yeah honey I loved you while having sex with her", no way we would be together now. Not the kind of love I want. What we have now is a rebuild of a broken marriage. It took time and patience. And, both of admitting that we had taken each other for granted. And, both of us willing to do honest work to make sure the choice to give our marriage a second chance was right for both of us.
donnamaybe Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I think the point is, though we all know some MM/MW love themselves to the exclusion of all else, that they stay for the BS, whether it be for love or companionship. It's not ONLY to elude the 50/50 split.
whichwayisup Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Being very emotionally attached and in the honeymoon phase with an OW/OM vs a long term marriage, when the love is there but not as intense, new and exciting. People get confused and addicted to the feelings that an A brings on, which is probably why the WS has a hell of time choosing. The "Stay in the NOW I FEEL GOOD ALL THE TIME, honeymoon phase with the AP or end it and go back to a person and a marriage where I'm happy enough and have no intention of wanting to divorce but it can't compare to the intense feelings that got woken up in me by having the A." This is probably why too, when a MM does leave, and the affair dynamic changes, it becomes a regular relationship and reality begins hit, he misses his old life and how things were and why they go back. Realized how the LOVE shared, long lasting, daily growing love with their spouses is deeply missed and the intensity of fun of the A wears off, they go back home. I'm not talking about anyone specific, I'm generalizing.
Author herenow Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 Being very emotionally attached and in the honeymoon phase with an OW/OM vs a long term marriage, when the love is there but not as intense, new and exciting. People get confused and addicted to the feelings that an A brings on, which is probably why the WS has a hell of time choosing. The "Stay in the NOW I FEEL GOOD ALL THE TIME, honeymoon phase with the AP or end it and go back to a person and a marriage where I'm happy enough and have no intention of wanting to divorce but it can't compare to the intense feelings that got woken up in me by having the A." This is probably why too, when a MM does leave, and the affair dynamic changes, it becomes a regular relationship and reality begins hit, he misses his old life and how things were and why they go back. Realized how the LOVE shared, long lasting, daily growing love with their spouses is deeply missed and the intensity of fun of the A wears off, they go back home. I'm not talking about anyone specific, I'm generalizing. Right. Also, IMO, some MM don't realize the love they have for the BW or the OW until the real threat of losing one or both of them. At that point a MM will make a choice based on who he really loves. JMO.
bentnotbroken Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Love has no rules !! Of course not. Why sound it?
Author herenow Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 To add: I celebrate the times when the MM leaves. Why? Because it shows that they can and they do. I actually believe that more affairs (IRL) do end with the MM leaving for the OW and we will never know because the truth about the affair is never disclosed. If a MM wants to be with the OW, he will be. The fact that some affairs work out proves that point.
Mimolicious Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 To add: I celebrate the times when the MM leaves. Why? Because it shows that they can and they do. I actually believe that more affairs (IRL) do end with the MM leaving for the OW and we will never know because the truth about the affair is never disclosed. If a MM wants to be with the OW, he will be. The fact that some affairs work out proves that point. Yeah, actually they can leave CAUSE they got the boot from the W. Sorry, I just had to chime in on that comment. Perhaps, we will never know the reason WHY they left, not just for WHO they left. Many fail to admit that they got kicked out and left in the gutter...
Author herenow Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 Yeah, actually they can leave CAUSE they got the boot from the W. Sorry, I just had to chime in on that comment. Perhaps, we will never know the reason WHY they left, not just for WHO they left. Many fail to admit that they got kicked out and left in the gutter... Good point. I'm sure there are those who are not given a choice.
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