Mauschen Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 My ex-husband is trying to drive me insane (at least I think so). In our divorce agreement, we have the kids on their birthdays every other year. This year, I have my daughter. My ex feels that it is his duty (apparently) to find out exactly which friends are invited to her party. I am not sure if I am required to communicate with him regarding her party or who is invited to it. Even though he is generally a crap father (and I'm not just saying that because he is my ex), he makes every attempt to one-up me in every situation. For instance, we bought the kids a trampoline 2 weeks ago, and then he told them he was going to purchase a swimming pool for them (a real one). A few months ago, my husband told the kids we were going to take them snow tubing on Saturday, so my ex got wind of this and took them snow tubing on Friday (before we could do it). And now, he is asking for birthday party details so he can throw my daughter a bigger and better birthday party the next day at his house. Oh when will it end??? So, each week we end up having a ridiculously long email chain in which he is grilling me about tiny (mostly insignificant) details of the kids' lives while with me. And then on his parenting time, he feeds them chocolate, cake, and chips instead of real food, hits them when he is mad, and never changes their clothing. But he has no problem buying them tons of goodies and toys, taking them to the circus, fair, festivals, etc. I can't comprehend how someone can be so neglectful when it comes to basic care of children, but then do all of these "wonderful" things for them. Of course, I am the only one who makes them do their homework, take baths, and change their clothing. And I feed them "yucky" food instead of cake for breakfast. Thanks for listening to me vent. And any advice on how to cope would be helpful.
Trimmer Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 And then on his parenting time, he feeds them chocolate, cake, and chips instead of real food, hits them when he is mad, and never changes their clothing. Kinda buried the lead there, didn't you? I'm sorry, but I had trouble getting past this to worry about birthday parties, etc. Can you elaborate a bit on this?
Author Mauschen Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 Hi all, Thank you for your replies. First, I would never be able to attend a party with my ex. He and I only communicate via email and don't talk on the phone or spend time in the same room. He is not a very pleasant person, especially when he communicates with me. He often insults me or refers to my husband as "the redneck." As for the abuse, that is being addressed by a parenting time modification request in court on June 22nd. However, Child Protection has been called on my ex 3 times in the last 4 months, and they've not taken action since there were no marks on the children. So, I am not sure what the court will do in this case. No one has witnessed the abuse, but the kids have informed me, their school counselor and their teachers about the abuse, and those conversations are documented. My lawyer says full custody for me is not likely, but increasing parenting time a lot may be likely. I guess you have to put your kid in the hospital before loosing all of your parenting time. I will definitely stick with enforcing homework completion, baths, changing clothes, etc. But, unfortunately, my kids complain to me about taking baths since their father doesn't make them do it. And they complain about what I feed them. And then they complain about me not taking them to "fun places," which I don't have time to do with them since I am just trying to correct their behavior, hygiene, eating habits from the ex's house, and I also have to do homework with them during my parenting time.
Steen719 Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 My nephews are now 33, 25 and 23 (or something like that). My brother's wife, the boy's mother, is an alcoholic. It is really a very sad situation. She loved her boys, but alcohol got the better of her. My brother won custody (her father testified that he was a more responsible parent..hard for him, I am sure). The oldest boy stayed with his grandmother to finish high school instead and the other 2 went with my brother. The oldest then ended up where my brother was. They have all gone to college, they are wonderful, respectful boys (except to each other!). My ex sister-in-law and her mother, particularly her mother ran my brother down at every opportunity. He did not respond in kind, telling them that their problems were with each other. The oldest son actually told his grandmother to stop talking to him about his father. He went steady ahead and make sure they did what they needed to with studying, went through their teen problems, etc., etc. I know, I saw his efforts. I have to tell you; they love him and they know what he did for them They appreciate the steadiness he gave them in their lives. They love their mother, but do not spend much time with her as she still drinks. You persevere and do the right things. They will know; they will depend on you and they will be better kids for your consistency. I don't know about the abuse; that must scare you. How old are your children?
Trimmer Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 As for the abuse, that is being addressed by a parenting time modification request in court on June 22nd. However, Child Protection has been called on my ex 3 times in the last 4 months, and they've not taken action since there were no marks on the children. So, I am not sure what the court will do in this case. No one has witnessed the abuse, but the kids have informed me, their school counselor and their teachers about the abuse, and those conversations are documented. My lawyer says full custody for me is not likely, but increasing parenting time a lot may be likely. I guess you have to put your kid in the hospital before loosing all of your parenting time. I will definitely stick with enforcing homework completion, baths, changing clothes, etc. But, unfortunately, my kids complain to me about taking baths since their father doesn't make them do it. And they complain about what I feed them. And then they complain about me not taking them to "fun places," which I don't have time to do with them since I am just trying to correct their behavior, hygiene, eating habits from the ex's house, and I also have to do homework with them during my parenting time. I'm very sorry, and unfortunately I'm at a loss to give you any useful advice. Stay with documenting everything so you can protect your kids (even against their will!) the best you can as far as the law will "let" you. It certainly sounds like your children's father has some serious issues. I can't even relate to someone who can't see far enough past his own nose to put his children's welfare and development first.
Author Mauschen Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 Thank you for the support everyone. My children are 6 (boy) and almost 8 (girl), so I have many years to go with regards to dealing with the ex. And, thanks for the laugh MSWS. I needed that. Being constantly stressed out about this situation (like most people here on LS) is not much fun. I have to remind myself to also enjoy life. I will post an update after our June 22nd court date. Please wish me and the children luck with increasing my parenting time and getting some child support. For the past 3 years, the ex has not paid any child support, but really it is my fault because I was too weak to file for it (I allowed the ex to threaten me, etc).
2sure Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 My ex used to attempt this stuff. I let him. Good, buy her whatever you want...by all means - make that YOUR job. Ive got other things to concern myself with. Dont worry so much about him being the indulgent babysitter and you being the warden...soon enough they come to understand that it is you that sacrifices for them and who they can count on. He'll just be a buddy, until they are teenagers and have enough buddies and also have parents - you and your husband. Then they will indulge him but be uninterested in him. Meanwhile, why not invite him to the BD parties that you have. This will show and offer more support to the cchildren than his renting a bounce house filled with puppies.
Author Mauschen Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 Thanks for the insight 2sure. As for inviting my ex to the party, that unfortunately, isn't an option. My ex openly insults me and my husband, and lies to the children about us. It is sad that he does this, and it has completely ruined any hope of being able to spend time in the same room with him.
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