GivenUp0083 Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 After all this deliberating over whether to send my ex this long email about how I feel, and I get this on gchat this morning from here while I was in a meeting: 8:00am Hey there 8:09am well just wanted to say hi, hope you're doing well and had a nice memorial day weekend. take care ***** off to the ******* for a field trip! The last time we spoke was when she broke up with me a month ago. Since then all I did was send a text that said "happy bday" and all she sent back was "thanks". Nothing more than that. She just went on a 5 day trip to Las Vegas with her best friends (a trip that she tried to get me to go with her on while we were together), and she got back on Monday. I didn't respond. I don't know what I'll do. I realize she said a whole lot of nothing right there, but I have to wonder why she is doing this. I figure if she REALLY had something important to say she'd just call me and tell me, however I realized when she broke up with me she needs a little push to say important things, as she wasn't planning on breaking up with me over the phone when she did, I had to pull it out of her. What do I do? (I'm expecting many of you will throw out "maintain NC").
radiodarcy Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 yup. stick to NC. it's just bread crumbs. there's no point in trying to figure out what it really means other than she wanted to see if you would still "bite" when she threw you a little bait aaand you didnt i know what you mean about some people needing a push to say what's really on their mind. my ex is the same way. but really - - it's not our job to give our exes the "push" they need to say what's on their mind. in fact, i find it quite exhausting and not worth the effort. let her do the work for once. why should you make things easy for her when her dumping you led to the pain your going through now? NC NC NC....
MissMoni Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 No contact. She's easing her guilt. She sent a message to say happy memorial day? Just looking for an excuse to get in contact. My ex sent me a "Happy Halloween" message.. they are pitiful, really. Can't deal with what they have done
Author GivenUp0083 Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 Well don't give me too much credit, I was away from my computer when she messaged me which is why I didn't respond and she was offline when I got back. What if I just responded with quick, short, meaningless responses. Still not giving her anything to work with, but also maybe allowing her to get comfortable just enough to say what she wants to say. I find it hard to believe she just wanted to say hi. Something has to be on her mind. If she didn't care or didn't have an agenda she wouldn't have said anything at all.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 No contact. She's easing her guilt. She sent a message to say happy memorial day? Just looking for an excuse to get in contact. My ex sent me a "Happy Halloween" message.. they are pitiful, really. Can't deal with what they have done This makes a little more sense, but wouldn't she just rather try to forget me? By messaging me it's counterproductive to her guilty feelings, forgetting about me and letting me go would be what you do when you want to ease guilt. It allows me to get over her and it allows her to forget about me.
Fedor Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Stay no contact if you feel that's right. Contacting her would probably set you back as far as your healing goes.
Chi townD Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Yep! I agree! She was trying to get the fish back on the hook. Stay NC and forget it.
Fedor Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 This makes a little more sense, but wouldn't she just rather try to forget me? By messaging me it's counterproductive to her guilty feelings, forgetting about me and letting me go would be what you do when you want to ease guilt. It allows me to get over her and it allows her to forget about me. And she may be contacting you to stroke her ego to see if you would bite. Of course, there is always that little chance that she still has feelings for you. In that case, you have to wait for her to be straightforward with you anyway.
Kodo Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I find it hard to believe she just wanted to say hi. Something has to be on her mind. If she didn't care or didn't have an agenda she wouldn't have said anything at all. Mine did the same thing while she was still living with someone else. It means nothing. If you feel you must, keep the avenue open, but don't initiate. Only reply when you are actually online at the time. Keep it short and sweet. She says hi, you say hi. Then go if you have to. If she has something to say, she'd say it. And if she can't bring herself to, she has problems.
MissMoni Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 This makes a little more sense, but wouldn't she just rather try to forget me? By messaging me it's counterproductive to her guilty feelings, forgetting about me and letting me go would be what you do when you want to ease guilt. It allows me to get over her and it allows her to forget about me. It's interesting how often dumpers really do want to contact the dumpees. My friend just called me about how she missed her ex and kept calling him even though she just broke up with him yesterday . I think in their mind, it makes them feel better if we respond back to them. In any case her talking to you on her terms makes it easier for HER to move on. Not you.
Fedor Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 It's interesting how often dumpers really do want to contact the dumpees. My friend just called me about how she missed her ex and kept calling him even though she just broke up with him yesterday . I think in their mind, it makes them feel better if we respond back to them. In any case her talking to you on her terms makes it easier for HER to move on. Not you. It eases the guilt and strokes there ego.
radiodarcy Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 In any case her talking to you on her terms makes it easier for HER to move on. Not you. absolutely! i wouldn't mistake her initiating contact with you to be anything other than what MissMoni stated above. i do think that a lot of dumpers experience some level of guilt. but i can't tell you how many incidents i've read here on love shack where the dumpers reach out to the dumpees but make it clear that they aren't interested in getting back together. it's just a way for them to ease their own conscience. if you absolutely feel you have to say something to her then say it. but as someone else pointed out - - it's probably only going to set you back.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 absolutely! i wouldn't mistake her initiating contact with you to be anything other than what MissMoni stated above. i do think that a lot of dumpers experience some level of guilt. but i can't tell you how many incidents i've read here on love shack where the dumpers reach out to the dumpees but make it clear that they aren't interested in getting back together. it's just a way for them to ease their own conscience. if you absolutely feel you have to say something to her then say it. but as someone else pointed out - - it's probably only going to set you back. I'm not going to respond to it. But if she got on later or texted me or something I might respond with little meaningless responses. My question is: How do you know the difference between them just easing their guilt vs testing the waters to share feelings of regret or wanting a second chance? What if doing nothing sends her the message I'm no longer interested in ever giving her a chance if she wanted it? (For the record, I don't know if I would give her another chance or not, but I wouldn't want to close that window if that's what she's trying to do).
radiodarcy Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 simple: she will tell you. to be honest the difference between bread crumbs and testing the waters is irrelevant. trying to figure out what's going on in her mind is pointless. if she wants to get back together with you she come out and say so. i mean think about it - - do you really want to have to go through the song and dance of pulling it out of her? you want her to be back with you because she wants to be - - not because you had to play 20 questions to get there. she sent you that e-mail after you guys broke up. so she is just as capable of sitting down and writing out an e-mail saying she wants to get back together; if that's what she wants. i honestly wouldn't extend her a life preserver on this one, why risk getting pulled back in if she's not willing to put herself out there?
Author GivenUp0083 Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 simple: she will tell you. to be honest the difference between bread crumbs and testing the waters is irrelevant. trying to figure out what's going on in her mind is pointless. if she wants to get back together with you she come out and say so. i mean think about it - - do you really want to have to go through the song and dance of pulling it out of her? you want her to be back with you because she wants to be - - not because you had to play 20 questions to get there. she sent you that e-mail after you guys broke up. so she is just as capable of sitting down and writing out an e-mail saying she wants to get back together; if that's what she wants. i honestly wouldn't extend her a life preserver on this one, why risk getting pulled back in if she's not willing to put herself out there? You're absolutely right (again) It's on her, not me, to do something about it if she really has something to say to me. Otherwise I'm not interested in being friends.
radiodarcy Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 hahaha! right. the friends-zone is pretty much no man's land. trust me i was there for two and a half years before i came to my senses and went NC. best thing i could have done for myself. i admit i still love and miss him. but i don't miss being strung along; while he got to feel like a rock star knowing i would be there for him no matter what; all the while flirting and hooking up with other girls. love has it's limits. and friendship falls far outside of those as far as i'm concerned. after all our exes put us through we deserve better. otherwise they're not worth our time.
MissMoni Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 hahaha! right. the friends-zone is pretty much no man's land. trust me i was there for two and a half years before i came to my senses and went NC. best thing i could have done for myself. i admit i still love and miss him. but i don't miss being strung along; while he got to feel like a rock star knowing i would be there for him no matter what; all the while flirting and hooking up with other girls. love has it's limits. and friendship falls far outside of those as far as i'm concerned. after all our exes put us through we deserve better. otherwise they're not worth our time. Amen! This is just what I needed to hear. I am the only person trying to be friends with my ex who wants to be friends and I kept feeling guilty that he wasn't putting in the effort..but now I think that I'm going to start NC (again). It will be rough bc his birthday is in 2 weeks..but I think I can do it. As for OP, if she wants to find you and talk to you, she will find a way. And if she's to chicken to do anything but gchat, then she's not worth it anyway.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 hahaha! right. the friends-zone is pretty much no man's land. trust me i was there for two and a half years before i came to my senses and went NC. best thing i could have done for myself. i admit i still love and miss him. but i don't miss being strung along; while he got to feel like a rock star knowing i would be there for him no matter what; all the while flirting and hooking up with other girls. love has it's limits. and friendship falls far outside of those as far as i'm concerned. after all our exes put us through we deserve better. otherwise they're not worth our time. Totally agree, I've been strung along in the past to know better. It's just I've been wanting her to contact me deep down on days I've been depressed where it would've made my day to hear from her again, but this isn't really her reaching out to me, it's just crumbs. Unless she has something to say, then this isn't anything I want from her.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 She got back online. I gave in and responded "had a great weekend, thanks" She's idle, no response yet. Maybe never. Who knows. I'm not worked up about it, I just want to know why she's messaging me, and if she continues with small talk I'll just ask her if she's trying to be friends or if she has something specific she wants to talk about. Then leave it at that. I'll inform her I'm not interested in being her friend if that's what she wants.
Snooks Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Funny reading the post here 'cos my ex (the dumper) emailed me 3 weeks ago asking if I still wanted an old motorcycle helmet I had left in our flat when I moved out. This would be the same motorcycle helmet she asked me about 2 days after I moved out over 3 months ago! My answer was the same as it was then - bin it. I certainly wasn't going back to 'our' flat to collect it and be confronted by her new husband* living in the flat we had bought together. As a "p.s." to her email she mentioned her mum was going into hospital later that week for cancer treatment. Bet her mum will be pleased to know that she comes 2nd to an old motorcycle helmet. Good job her illness isn't serious..... Prior to getting that email I had managed over 20 days of NC since she had sent me another pointless email. *they got married 5 months after she broke up with me.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 More small talk from her: asked me how the job was going, I said fine, yada yada, gave her nothing substantial. She's still online but hasn't said anything yet other than the small talk. I feel like she's waiting for me to ask something or say something serious but I won't do it. I don't know why she is doing this. Why is she making stupid small talk with me after a month of nothing?? Is she trying to say something? Even if it's just "hey I wanna be friends", why can't she just come out and say it....or leave me alone??
Mack05 Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I have no idea despite all the NC advice did you even answer or still showing online to her! Blocking her would have made a far bigger statement. If she wants something she will call you. This small talk bull***** is just a way of wrecking with your head. Get offline and stay offline mate!
Author GivenUp0083 Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 I have no idea despite all the NC advice did you even answer or still showing online to her! Blocking her would have made a far bigger statement. If she wants something she will call you. This small talk bull***** is just a way of wrecking with your head. Get offline and stay offline mate! I've always been one to screw up a couple times before I learn my lesson I'm this close to saying: "Hey, just curious, we haven't talked in a month, why are you talking to me now?" but I have to leave in 30 min and she's idle again, so I guess she missed her chance.
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