irc333 Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 ....was the "green light" thinking she had an interest in you? I remember back in my college days, and I'm sure you gentleman can vouche for this...in your early 20's or younger years...that when you were fond of a particular woman, and you did something (not necessarily for HER) , but some kind of random act of kindness she observed....by saying, "aww...that's so sweet, you're such a nice guy!" In a very sing-songy kind of cheery voice that gave you butterflies and this gave you an excuse to pursue her? Only to find out, it was just a bunch of hooey after you got to know her better?
TigerCub Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 ....was the "green light" thinking she had an interest in you? I remember back in my college days, and I'm sure you gentleman can vouche for this...in your early 20's or younger years...that when you were fond of a particular woman, and you did something (not necessarily for HER) , but some kind of random act of kindness she observed....by saying, "aww...that's so sweet, you're such a nice guy!" In a very sing-songy kind of cheery voice that gave you butterflies and this gave you an excuse to pursue her? Only to find out, it was just a bunch of hooey after you got to know her better? how is it hooey that you optimistically read waaaaay too much from a nice cheery voiced remark? - well its not hooey on her part. I'll let you in on something... sometimes a smile is just a smile a compliment as heartfelt as it may be - is just meant as that - a compliment with no other ulterior motives than to say something nice to someone. and sometimes lets go have a coffee means just that and not lets go have sex. I dunno, seems like guys read way too much into things. wishful thinking on their parts, I guess....but aaawwwww, its so cute!! :love: haha, no I'm not coming onto you
Author irc333 Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 Well, the only way to do so, is to take a risk. I have asked women out that have been friendly towards me, if they have not, I don't attempt anything at all. Most guys do traditionally see being friendly as a step into attempting to ask her out. (but this is getting off topic though)
Cracker Jack Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 (edited) Actually, I was aware of the "aww, that's sweet. You're such a nice guy" comments meaning doomsday for anything more than a friendship by the time I was a Freshman in high school. In fact, that line is standard. I've had far more obvious signs that a woman was into me, only to find out otherwise. More times than not, the line you mentioned would come from them when I would try to cheer them up--like, telling her that all guys are not players or jerks while she's complaining about the popular kid who continues to hurt her feelings and still bang her as much as he wants while I'm trying to make her feel good emotionally---or I would try to say something along the lines of, "I would treat you better than him", only to get an altered version of the line you mentioned but with the same meaning. Something like, "Wow. That girl is sure going to be lucky! or, "If only I had met you sooner, things would've been different." Understanding this early on was a good thing. But yeah, early on, I always thought it was a step in the right direction. Edited June 1, 2011 by Cracker Jack
samspade Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Being called a "nice guy" is the kiss of death. Women rarely "reward" (bad word, I know) benevolence with sex. Why should they? A good deed can stand on its own, but if you as a man are being "nice" to be given some kind of green light to pursue a woman romantically, then you are disingenuous in your intentions. If you want to pursue a woman, grab your ballz and do it like a man. Don't use random acts of kindness as leverage - it won't work.
vsmini Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 If you want to pursue a woman, grab your ballz and do it like a man. Don't use random acts of kindness as leverage - it won't work. I agree with the random acts of kindness as leverage part - it will just make you bitter and frustrated.
AD1980 Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I never get signs of interest from women so yes at times i took any smile or positive comments at all and hoped that a women might finally be interested in me which they werent..
zengirl Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 If you go around thinking you've got a chance with every woman who's nice to you and are upset when you find out you don't, what choice does that give women? Am I supposed to be a bitch to every guy I wouldn't go out with? That seems odd.
sally4sara Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Can I ask you a serious question? How many times have YOU experienced a woman's reaction to you being nice was a sign of her being romantically interested in you? Whether this correlation between a woman paying compliment to one of your nice actions and then expressing romantic interest in you has only happened once or happened every time up to last month - it is not causation. It not happening since doesn't indicate a lack of value in acts of kindness either. It could simply mean that you are someone who blends in with the crowd but not unpleasant looking and your action caught her attention. It could also be that you were that particular woman's brand of attractive and paying compliment to your action is her way of getting the ball rolling. It could mean that your level of attraction is fading with age or you're putting on weight in a way that doesn't carry your features well.
AD1980 Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Can I ask you a serious question? How many times have YOU experienced a woman's reaction to you being nice was a sign of her being romantically interested in you? Whether this correlation between a woman paying compliment to one of your nice actions and then expressing romantic interest in you has only happened once or happened every time up to last month - it is not causation. It not happening since doesn't indicate a lack of value in acts of kindness either. It could simply mean that you are someone who blends in with the crowd but not unpleasant looking and your action caught her attention. It could also be that you were that particular woman's brand of attractive and paying compliment to your action is her way of getting the ball rolling. It could mean that your level of attraction is fading with age or you're putting on weight in a way that doesn't carry your features well. I could be wrong but i dont think hes saign its womens fault more that when youre desperate and dont have women interested in you then you can take simple niceness as hope that its a sign she likes you.. I know that was the case with me a few times
sally4sara Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I could be wrong but i dont think hes saign its womens fault more that when youre desperate and dont have women interested in you then you can take simple niceness as hope that its a sign she likes you.. I know that was the case with me a few times I didn't think he is trying to say something about women either, just maybe that niceness in general isn't as valued these days. The only reason gender is signified is because he dates women.
fishtaco Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Yeah, of course that happened to me. Then I learned that was the wrong way, so I changed. Acts of kindness will get you points. If you are on platonic terms, it'll get you platonic points. If you're on romantic terms, it'll get you romantic points. The key is to make sure you are already on the romantic side before you start providing acts of niceness. Unless you only want a friend. So by default, if you're trying to get someone to go on a date with you, don't be nice. It doesn't work unless she's already romantically attracted to you. But if she's already romantically attracted to you, all you have to do is ask her out on a date, you don't need to be nice to her first. Hence nice is pointless in the beginning.
Author irc333 Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 If you want to pursue a woman, grab your ballz and do it like a man. Don't use random acts of kindness as leverage - it won't work. I wouldn't USE it for any kind of leverage, I do things out of kindness because I enjoy it, not because I expect something from it. It could mean that your level of attraction is fading with age or you're putting on weight in a way that doesn't carry your features well. I have NO idea how this even relates to the topic, talk about WAY out in left field. lol
zengirl Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Yeah, of course that happened to me. Then I learned that was the wrong way, so I changed. Acts of kindness will get you points. If you are on platonic terms, it'll get you platonic points. If you're on romantic terms, it'll get you romantic points. The key is to make sure you are already on the romantic side before you start providing acts of niceness. Unless you only want a friend. So by default, if you're trying to get someone to go on a date with you, don't be nice. It doesn't work unless she's already romantically attracted to you. But if she's already romantically attracted to you, all you have to do is ask her out on a date, you don't need to be nice to her first. Hence nice is pointless in the beginning. I'm sure there are other girls who are different (and a little screwed up, I'd say), but I don't go out with anyone who isn't nice. I think niceness is just a basic mindset that people should approach all human beings with, though I think anyone who wants "points" (of any kind) for being nice and does nice things for that reason shouldn't get any points. Or they wouldn't from me if I sensed that was their motive. Which is easy enough to sense, I think.
fishtaco Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 I'm sure there are other girls who are different (and a little screwed up, I'd say), but I don't go out with anyone who isn't nice. I think niceness is just a basic mindset that people should approach all human beings with, though I think anyone who wants "points" (of any kind) for being nice and does nice things for that reason shouldn't get any points. Or they wouldn't from me if I sensed that was their motive. Which is easy enough to sense, I think. Well, remember not nice does not equal to jerk. I don't recommend being a jerk because anytime you use negative behavior to illicit positive response, it's tricky business. Can it be done? Yes, I've done it myself. But I would save that as a last resort only. So I'm saying be neutral, put your own goals and well being as #1 priority. Because being a jerk could backfire, and being nice gains you nothing.
zengirl Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Well, remember not nice does not equal to jerk. I don't recommend being a jerk because anytime you use negative behavior to illicit positive response, it's tricky business. Can it be done? Yes, I've done it myself. But I would save that as a last resort only. So I'm saying be neutral, put your own goals and well being as #1 priority. Because being a jerk could backfire, and being nice gains you nothing. Being kind to other people makes you happy. That's not just "nice" mumbo jumbo (uttered in various ways from some really wise, accomplished, and famous people, though my favorite is from the Dalai Lama who says, "If you want others to be happy, practice compassion; if you, yourself, would be happy, practice compassion"). It's also statistically proven. Being kind = more happiness. Not just neutral, not looking for "what you can get" but actually going out in the world, being good, being friendly, being kind, and helping others with a generosity mindset. That said, I'm not suggesting you forget your own needs and go out in the world, giving all your money away, falling down all over yourself to help others at the expense of yourself. That's not being nice; it's being weird and usually comes from weird motives, like uber-neediness. But being all "What's in it for me" is equally useless in the world as tripping all over yourself, neglecting your own needs.
thatdog Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 I think there is a difference between being nice and thankful in receiving a gift/gesture from a guy and being flirty/leading them on. IME some girls seem to either not know or care about the difference. If a friend does something nice for me i'll say something like cheers or wow that's awesome thanks for the help/gift/gesture/etc. Most of my friends (including females) would say about the same. Then there are the girls I've met who bat their eyelashes, giggle and tell you 'thanks, now i owe YOU something nice'. Or they say stare at you like yo are the only person in the world and tell you that she is so happy to have such a thoughtful person as you in their life, etc etc. These are the girls you have to watch out for and are the ones I assume the OP is complaining about. They're the ones that have multiple 'nice guys' hanging around them all the time because any objective bystander it would be apparent she may be interested. Though to her all she is doing is surrounding herself with good friends (and what's wrong with that?)
ProjekctionMan Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Just because a woman is nice to you, it doesn't mean she likes you as more than friends. Maybe she just is a nice person in general?
Blood Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 ....was the "green light" thinking she had an interest in you? I remember back in my college days, and I'm sure you gentleman can vouche for this...in your early 20's or younger years...that when you were fond of a particular woman, and you did something (not necessarily for HER) , but some kind of random act of kindness she observed....by saying, "aww...that's so sweet, you're such a nice guy!" In a very sing-songy kind of cheery voice that gave you butterflies and this gave you an excuse to pursue her? Only to find out, it was just a bunch of hooey after you got to know her better? No. I have been a pretty good reader of women since early adolescence. I can detect their insincerity in the real world.
mr.dream merchant Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 I remember when I cared about everything else important and women were on the bottom of the priority list, actually, they were on that list...what was it...ah yes, the "Only cared to contact them when I'm horny" list. Seriously, just get money and better yourself. Life is so much easier when you stop giving a **** about women.
Blood Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 You need to care a little or you can easily become the 40 year old virgin or his celibate cousin.
Sanman Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Yeah, that silly little idea. I remember it. This comes from the stories many boys are told about treating women well and being nice to them if you want them to like you. That may have worked in generations past when most women rarely left their town or general area and needed a nice man to marry. The truth is that women nowadays are more like men than they like to admit. We all want what makes us horny and nice usually isn't that. At most, it is a nice perk for most women (or men really).
Mr. Savage Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Alot of times men who are "nice" and seem to get nowhere with women are only seeming nice because it is a veil for their insecurity. Hence "nice guys finish last".
Author irc333 Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 I think there is a difference between being nice and thankful in receiving a gift/gesture from a guy and being flirty/leading them on. IME some girls seem to either not know or care about the difference. If a friend does something nice for me i'll say something like cheers or wow that's awesome thanks for the help/gift/gesture/etc. Most of my friends (including females) would say about the same. Well, I'm not entirely talking about doing something nice to the love interest, but nice to 3rd parties OTHER than the woman they like...and that woman witnesses his natural tendency to be kind to others, esp. compared to the rest of this world (and how society has become in general) I'm not sure if the woman is thinking, "Wow, he must be a good catch, I hardly EVER see guys behave in this fashion. I wonder if he's single?" Kind of like the addage when you're on a date, you know how a mate will treat you is reflected on how they treat the server.
ProjekctionMan Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Yeah, that silly little idea. I remember it. This comes from the stories many boys are told about treating women well and being nice to them if you want them to like you. What's so wrong with that? Listen, you have to treat women nice and respect them, but you also have to flirt with them and be romantic and seduce them. I admittedly have trouble with that, but to say that women don't like nice guys is ridiculous. They like them, they just want them to be more than just "nice."
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