loverofloveandstuff Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Recently my bestfriend and I got together (for the second time, last time was 3 years ago). He wants to be official and so do I but there is something that I haven't told him and I know he would disapprove if he found out. I'm a full time student but I'm also a stripper. I have done men's modelling and promotional events in the past and he disapproved of that strongly so there is no way he could come to terms with the fact his girlfriend is a stripper. I know that it's just not fair to lie to him but I don't want him to think I don't want to be with him because of him. What do I say? I really don't want to break his heart twice.
TigerCub Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I say just tell him the truth. If you 2 are so close that he is a "best friend" I would have assumed that he would have already known. But now if he's going to be a boyfriend too - you need to tell him the truth and how he reacts is upto him. If you really care about him and respect him - just come out with it.
Author loverofloveandstuff Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 I say just tell him the truth. If you 2 are so close that he is a "best friend" I would have assumed that he would have already known. But now if he's going to be a boyfriend too - you need to tell him the truth and how he reacts is upto him. If you really care about him and respect him - just come out with it. He did know (he was the only one who knew) and wouldn't talk to me for ages. We were just friends at the time, I said that our friendship was more important to me than that and stopped. I've taken it up again recently because I need the money and I know it would destroy him. I do respect him but he won't respect me if he knows. edit: by the way, just because you are close to someone it doesn't mean you tell them everything. I am close(ish) to my parents and I certainly don't tell them what I do.
kiss_andmakeup Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 You have to tell him. Can you really be with him and be comfortable sneaking around, lying to him, and hiding this from him the whole time? Can you truly enjoy a relationship dynamic that functions like that? Tell him, and then deal with the consequences. You might be surprised.
TigerCub Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 He did know (he was the only one who knew) and wouldn't talk to me for ages. We were just friends at the time, I said that our friendship was more important to me than that and stopped. I've taken it up again recently because I need the money and I know it would destroy him. I do respect him but he won't respect me if he knows. Ok, well it is what it is. If you're going to date this guy, you have to be honest, and if he doesn't like it, then he's not the boyfriend for you. Its really judgmental of him to actually drop you AS A FRIEND the first time just because he didn't like what you did for work. I think that's really judgmental. but bottom line is you have to be honest if you're going to date him. edit: by the way, just because you are close to someone it doesn't mean you tell them everything. I am close(ish) to my parents and I certainly don't tell them what I do. That's true, but parents are different that best friends.
Author loverofloveandstuff Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 (edited) Ok, well it is what it is. If you're going to date this guy, you have to be honest, and if he doesn't like it, then he's not the boyfriend for you. Its really judgmental of him to actually drop you AS A FRIEND the first time just because he didn't like what you did for work. I think that's really judgmental. Yes, he is a very judgemental person and admits it (one of the things I don't like about him). He claims to have conservative values yet he doesn't really comply with them. He does drugs once in awhile, smokes like a chimney and has been in trouble with the law. I think the only way out of this one is to not be with him and not tell him because he'll drop me like it's hot if I do. If I do tell him: PRO: I will be relieved because I'd have been honest CON: I won't have a boyfriend or a bestfriend, almost guaranteed he won't want to be in my life at all If I don't tell him and I'm not with him: PRO: we will still be friends CON: I won't be with him and I won't be able to tell him why Edited June 1, 2011 by loverofloveandstuff
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Well, he is NOT a real best friend, and won't be a real boyfriend if you don't let him know what is really going on with you. It's HIS choice whether to accept the real you, with the life you actually lead, or not. Really, I don't believe you are honestly considering not telling him. Are you willing to give it up for him?
TigerCub Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Yes, he is a very judgemental person and admits it (one of the things I don't like about him). He claims to have conservative values yet he doesn't really comply with them. He does drugs once in awhile, smokes like a chimney and has been in trouble with the law. I think the only way out of this one is to not be with him and not tell him because he'll drop me like it's hot if I do. If I do tell him: PRO: I will be relieved because I'd have been honest CON: I won't have a boyfriend or a bestfriend, almost guaranteed he won't want to be in my life at all If I don't tell him and I'm not with him: PRO: we will still be friends CON: I won't be with him and I won't be able to tell him why Honestly, I see that you're really torn about this decision because you want him in your life, you care about him - but what kind of friend is he when he's so quick to drop you if he doesn't agree with something you've done - its not like you're out there hurting people and s**t like that, you're just making a life choice that he doesn't like and if he can't stand by you despite all that - he's not a true friend. I say be honest and be true to yourself and let the chips fall where they may - because it doesn't sound like he's even worth a friendship.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Put it this way: How much is in the pot, riding on this secret NOW??? And how much will be in the pot later, riding on the same secret??? I humbly suggest that factors which brought you to stripping in the first place, are ever present and giving you the sense that you can't approach this 'friend' on equal footing... OR they are letting your believe that you don't rate somebody grand who will accept every bit of you for who you are (even if this guy won't...). The logical move is to fess-up to him as soon as possible, and let HIM decide whether you (get to) walk away from somebody NOT worthy of you, and open up the possibilities for the future, OR whether he really has changed and does, perhaps, meet your standards.
alexlakeman Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 He does not dictate your life nor pay your bills; therfore it is what it is, either he's fine with it or he can go fly a kite..unless he is going to start paying your bills...
Scottdmw Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 You could stop stripping and get a different job. I know it's probably hard to get another job that pays that kind of money. But, it might be worth it. This is a problem you're having with your current guy, but it would be a problem also for a significant percentage of other guys. If you broke up with your current guy and went out and started dating, you could easily run into the same exact thing. Even a guy who says going in that he's okay with it might start to feel differently if you got serious. You have seen human hypocrisy in action where your guy does wrong things himself but won't tolerate it in you. Regrettably, this is very common. You could easily start dating a different guy who goes to watch at strip clubs himself, but still would never consider dating someone who strips. I realize that seems unfair, I'm just telling you what could happen. Best wishes Scott
EasyHeart Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 If he doesn't approve of your occupation and refuses to talk to you, how can you consider this guy a "bestfriend"? Or a friend of any sort? Let me modify your pro/con list a little: If I do tell him: PRO: I will be relieved because I'd have been honest, be rid of this worthless d-bag, and find a guy who is actually compatible with me. CON: I won't have a sh*tty boyfriend or a sh*tty bestfriend and I won't have him around to put me down and make me feel like crap
sally4sara Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 The walking on egg shells and hiding aspects of yourself is not likely to end with this "friend" by quitting your job as a stripper because he is a hypocrite and judgmental. I do advise you seek a different occupation, not because I think what you're doing is immoral or bad, but because you will be dealing with some low behavior while you do work this job and it becomes very hard to give up the amount of money you can make per hour VS a more mainstream job. You can't work it forever and the longer you do the harder quitting that income level will be. But if you do jump though this hoop to keep him in your life, another will just crop up in its place. Its a control tactic. You've poorly chosen a fella to hang your heart on if he can't live up to his own piety. He sounds like an ass; you can do better than someone who controls you with threats to write you off if you don't do what they can't. This is a guy who will threaten a break up over anything big or small. You ready to sign up for that?
Author loverofloveandstuff Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 If he doesn't approve of your occupation and refuses to talk to you, how can you consider this guy a "bestfriend"? Or a friend of any sort? Let me modify your pro/con list a little: If I do tell him: PRO: I will be relieved because I'd have been honest, be rid of this worthless d-bag, and find a guy who is actually compatible with me. CON: I won't have a sh*tty boyfriend or a sh*tty bestfriend and I won't have him around to put me down and make me feel like crap Thanks everyone, I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do yet. I'm seeing him tomorrow night so I have until then to think about things further but I'll keep everything everyone has said in mind. You're right EasyHeart, we are not compatible at all which is why I broke up with him the first time around. It's one of those relationships where we've known eachother for so long that it seems it would be a waste to end it.
Author loverofloveandstuff Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 You could stop stripping and get a different job. I know it's probably hard to get another job that pays that kind of money. But, it might be worth it. I'm a fulltime uni student in an intense course, living out of home. I have bills to pay and I don't have time to work many hours a week because I have assignments and exams to study for. I also have a food addiction which is costly, I'm bulimic. My parents, although I know they love me, basically told me I was not welcome in their home when they found out...
reservoirdog1 Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 If you continue having a relationship with him, he's going to find out sooner or later. Either because you decide you can't keep it a secret anymore and have to tell him, or because he figures it out some other way ("Dude, I just went to a strip club, and your GF was one of the strippers!!!"). He's either going to have hangups about it or he's not. But by deceiving him by concealing this fairly important piece of info, you're being unfair to him. He doesn't have the right to judge you or to try to make you feel bad about your chosen line of work. If he doesn't like it, he can go pound sand. But, like I said, it's an important thing to know about one's partner, and the right thing to do is to tell him.
Author loverofloveandstuff Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 If you continue having a relationship with him, he's going to find out sooner or later. Either because you decide you can't keep it a secret anymore and have to tell him, or because he figures it out some other way ("Dude, I just went to a strip club, and your GF was one of the strippers!!!"). He's either going to have hangups about it or he's not. But by deceiving him by concealing this fairly important piece of info, you're being unfair to him. He doesn't have the right to judge you or to try to make you feel bad about your chosen line of work. If he doesn't like it, he can go pound sand. But, like I said, it's an important thing to know about one's partner, and the right thing to do is to tell him. Yeah I already know it's unfair to him to conceal the truth and be with him... so I'm just not going to tell him(because I already know the outcome if I do tell him) and just tell him I don't want to be with him because of other reasons.
Dusk1983 Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Once upon a time I might have been upset to find this out, but now at 28 and a bit more secure, I'd be ok with it. Infact, I'd be proud that my gf was hot enough to do it! I mean, men drool over you. How is it bad that its HIM that takes you home? I'd say, how he handles this is a good way to know how secure he is generally, and thus how he'll conduct a serious relationship with you going forwards.
ObiWantsU Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Yeah I already know it's unfair to him to conceal the truth and be with him... so I'm just not going to tell him(because I already know the outcome if I do tell him) and just tell him I don't want to be with him because of other reasons. Probably the best choice... Stripping is hard on the mind and spirit. There's nothing wrong with the job, only things wrong with the people. My ex fell into that second category. If you find yourself wanting to give the hypocrite guy a try, find a way to bring up strip clubs in a conversation; bachelor parties if you got married, watch a cop movie because they're in every one, etc. Then offer to go to (a different) one because you're curious, and be serious. Then after you've been there a little while tell him the secret by saying the truth: The secret's been tormenting you, it's just to get through school, you want to take things to the next level, you are very sorry that you couldn't figure out another way to tell him because you were scared, etc. Just be sure first that you trust him enough to not reveal your secret if he's not happy with it.
milkmaterial Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 You have to tell him. Can you really be with him and be comfortable sneaking around, lying to him, and hiding this from him the whole time? Can you truly enjoy a relationship dynamic that functions like that? Tell him, and then deal with the consequences. You might be surprised. lover i assume you are young, but let me tell you one thing i learned ..and im an avid liar. i have just seriously gotten discouraged about being honest because it never did anythig good for me. or maybe it never did anything i thought i could get away with . if you tell him the truth and he accepts, it means he is the one for you. if he doesnt accept you for what you are then heaven forbid something worse comes up in the future..if he doesnt accept, then he wasnt mean to be. i know its been said before but even though you really feel good about him right now the fact you think he would never accept it probably means he just isnt the one for you. think of how this would feel so good if you are with someone who knew, and you dont have to hide. you dont have to engineer your lies cause you would not have to lie at all! take it from me, an avid liar. i lied about something years ago, i just didnt have the courage to tell the truth because i told the truth before and it was not received well by another person. flash forward now, i am thinking i dont really know if the person loves me enough, cause of my own lie..therefore creating little insecurities inside my head about our own relationship. so please just dont lie. just make sure though you are prepared for the worst, and hope for the best.
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