carhill Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 Make-up sex Seriously, it sounds like things de-escalated. I'd consider the matter closed. Everyone learned something. I won't again post hypothetical scenarios like I did early in this thread. That verbalized, inadvertently, something (your deep in your mind feeling that he resented you for being unemployed) which may have contributed to the original escalation. Lesson learned. My apologies for that. Good luck!
Author tigressA Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 Make-up sex Seriously, it sounds like things de-escalated. I'd consider the matter closed. Everyone learned something. I won't again post hypothetical scenarios like I did early in this thread. That verbalized, inadvertently, something (your deep in your mind feeling that he resented you for being unemployed) which may have contributed to the original escalation. Lesson learned. My apologies for that. Good luck! No make-up sex...yet. Though is it still make-up sex if it's done the day after you make up? What's the time limit on that?
carhill Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 Young lady, when you've been celibate for 2.5 years like I have, there is NO time limit! Now, get to it!
PinkInTheLimo Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 for me, i'd have concerns just about the way he was adamant about selling another person's privacy for money... but that's just me. And me. I share your concerns. TA, be careful with this guy.
dispatch3d Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 No make-up sex...yet. Though is it still make-up sex if it's done the day after you make up? What's the time limit on that? I'm not sure, should probably take some pictures, make a thread, and let the forum decide! haha just kidding...
dispatch3d Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 I'm starting to think that relationships+dating is a pretty sensitive topic for most people - specifically ones who've had the most trouble with it in the past. Since it's become a sensitive topic for them, it's harder to improve (because they don't like acknowledging problems, may want to avoid future problems by doing some things that wouldn't make sense to the outside observer (ie. self-defense mechanisms)). I have a friend who just broke up with his gf of 3 years, and I can tell you he's an absolute trainwreck with women right now. Not only is he going to have a hard time getting along with women (seriously, just having a conversation), but he's also going to have a difficult time getting any better at it. I'm kinda in a weird spot just because I'd like to be friends with the guy, but at the same time I don't want to be friends with a guy who actively detracts in my chances with the ladies (the guy I live with ****ing throws women in my room for me, so I'm INCREDIBLY not used to what he does). I guess both your success in relationships or potential failure could build on themselves. It probably does. Tigress is just working through the growing pains of the relationship. She's also able to deflect potentially damaging and bad advice from people (notice the retorts to hypothetical situations). I kind of like dream merchants approach with the negative stuff, of not even responding. It prevents lending any credibility to the alternative argument.
John Michael Kane Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 I don't think he is going to cheat..he just wants her to think he is considered desirable by another girl.. Which is immature and callous behavior. Not to mention the fact that he has a "female friend" in his wings. Red flag. He certainly is pulling a power play of his own with that move..Which is why he's untrustworthy.
John Michael Kane Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 i think it shows a huge lack of his basic principles. i'd have a VERY difficult time warming up to someone EVER again - full well knowing they would betray me if they had the chance. no thank you - no way! since he emphatically stuck to intentions of betrayal given the chance - he's be out so fast. you need to move T - being THAT dependent upon any man is not healthy or good balance for you. get busy. any job is better than no job. you need to support yourself... so you don't have to put up with crap like that. that's not what love looks like... he gave you his truth - believe him. Agreed. Then he said he's going to visit his "female friend". That just shows even more how cruel and deceptive he is. I wouldn't tolerate that. You can go ahead to her house but don't expect to come back to mine.
DontWorryBHappy Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 (edited) Yeah, something feels off here to me as well. The OP and her bf "made up" but it appeared to me that she was shocked from the beginning at the fact that he was willing to hand over X rated material of her to strangers for money. It didn't seem to me that whether or not he had PERMISSION to do so was the make-or-break reason why it appalled her. A few things come to mind. - the OP initially said something very normal, which was that she didnt think people who are in love should have to worry about making X-rated material with their lover because there should be trust between them. to that statement her bf went out of his way to tell her that HE would sell x-rated material of HER if in the same position. He didn't even have to bring the two of them into the discussion - the discussion was about celebrities. So, he made himself look really stupid and selfish. the OP reacted the right way. - He never changed his position on the issue, and it seems like the OP has convinced herself that she is accepting of these new "terms" just to end the argument, or whatever it was. By "new terms" I mean she's convinced herself to accept that he WOULD sell x-rated material of her to strangers for money, but only with her permission! Oh yeah, and let's not forget that he went out of the way to tell her that when he didn't have to. - He was thinking of seeing a female friend while she was going to be away... something that he shouldve known better than to think about doing. - the OP apologized for reacting the way she did, but honestly I would have reacted the same.... I dont think I would want to date someone who would say, "I would sell your x-rated material for money.... I'm sorry, but it's true." And saying "oh honey, never without your permission though" wouldnt really smooth things over for me. To me that's like if I was dating someone and he told me he would be interested in having sex with other women while dating me, but only with my permission! no thanks. Edited June 5, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy
2sunny Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 he never changed his view on the topic and didn't apologize for the way he would intend to participate. so, now you know he would compromise YOUR best interest to serve himself. now you know the character of this guy. and then he wants to run immediately to another gal - great! such a gem. why don't you move, and become less dependent upon him - and then see what this guy is really made of - time on his own will show you more of what he's really like. you need more independence so you don't look so needy. being needy causes more insecurity from you. his backup gal is ready and willing... he's throwing that card out there - and that is just mean. yet you continue to only see his good side... open your eyes, he's showing you what he's really made of and you aren't seeing the red flags. his character is very limited. he's admitted he would harm you to serve his own interest... that should be enough for anyone to RUN FAST!
2sunny Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 i hope you never had him take ANY pictures or video of you! if he has - you've now given him permission to prostitute you for his own selfish gain. but you gave permission - AND apologized to him...
Author tigressA Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 (edited) I did not apologize for being upset or compromise my viewpoint. I apologized for deliberately punishing him--I made an immature power play, which was wrong no matter how upset I was. We accepted each other's views on the matter--in fact, I said more than once that his "view" I posted about here turned out to be a simple lapse in communication. How I initially interpreted it is not how he ever felt (that he would do it without my permission). As I also said, this same sort of lapse has happened with us numerous times. He is not going to visit anybody while I'm away. He willingly deleted the material I asked him to delete right in front of me (which was only a short clip and a handful of photos). My insecurity about him supporting me to the extent that he does is completely my own--he in absolutely no way has ever made me feel bad about it and he never would. This is my last post. Thanks to all who contributed. Edited June 5, 2011 by tigressA
Els Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 It would appear all is not resolved...we're at a stalemate again. I finalized the arrangements to visit my dad--I'm going next Saturday and staying through the following Sunday. Before we went to get my bus fare BF mentioned maybe going somewhere for a weekend while I'm not here, to visit a friend. I said, "Does this friend have a vagina?" He said, "Yeah, why does that matter?" I went all silent again and he knew I was upset, but I didn't say anything until he started to dig in a little. I said, "I'm not comfortable with your possible weekend plans." He said, "So, what, I'm not allowed to have female friends now?" I said, "THAT IS NOT WHAT I SAID. I said I'm just not comfortable with it. Do you have any history with her?" He said he doesn't. I said, "Well...that's better, I guess." He said he was a little "disgusted" with me because he felt like I was twisting an innocent friendship into something dirty when I didn't even know anything about it. He said, "Clearly you have major trust issues." I almost said, "Broken record, broken record! Tell me something I haven't known for years!" but I wisely refrained. We didn't talk at all on the trip to get my fare, and as soon as we came back to the apartment he left again without telling me where he was going. I'm just sitting here by myself. I really can't help but feel like his "visit" is some sort of retaliation for the last couple of days. I don't know what to do. I feel like this might be the end of us. TA, I know this is resolved now, but have you ever thought about how you guys handle your disagreements? Do you feel this is the best way for you to handle something like this? Or could there be significant improvement in the way it is done? ...Also, aren't you glad you DIDN'T marry this guy for convenience like you were considering a few weeks ago?
BobSacamento Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 This thread should be renamed to: Mountains out of mole hills.
PinkInTheLimo Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 I did not apologize for being upset or compromise my viewpoint. I apologized for deliberately punishing him--I made an immature power play, which was wrong no matter how upset I was. We accepted each other's views on the matter--in fact, I said more than once that his "view" I posted about here turned out to be a simple lapse in communication. How I initially interpreted it is not how he ever felt (that he would do it without my permission). As I also said, this same sort of lapse has happened with us numerous times. He is not going to visit anybody while I'm away. He willingly deleted the material I asked him to delete right in front of me (which was only a short clip and a handful of photos). My insecurity about him supporting me to the extent that he does is completely my own--he in absolutely no way has ever made me feel bad about it and he never would. This is my last post. Thanks to all who contributed. Djeezes, what difference does it make if he would do this with or without your permission. The simple fact that he considers it would be more than enough for me. I agree with 2sunny and Dontworrybhappy that all is not well.
Kamille Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 Djeezes, what difference does it make if he would do this with or without your permission. The simple fact that he considers it would be more than enough for me. It makes a huge difference. Huge. I would be beyond pissed if I found out bf sold something of mine behind my back without telling me. It would make me question his integrity. Whereas, if I was consulted, I might say yes and reap the benefits; or might say no and exert control over my own reputation. I also can't expect my partner to guess where my boundaries are, or to always share the same boundaries I do. I mean, it's so obvious it makes a difference, it shouldn't even have to be explained. TA, I'm glad you guys worked things out and that things de-escalated.
DontWorryBHappy Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 This is a matter of personality it seems. For some people, just the knowledge that their partner would sell something sexual of them to strangers, EVEN WITH PERMISSION, is skeezy and creey and gross enough to them for it to be a dealbreaker. For others, maybe they dont think of it that way and are ok with the thought of their partner selling something sexual of them, if they gave permission. It depends on how liberal you are with these things. TA must fall into the latter group.
Kamille Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 This is a matter of personality it seems. For some people, just the knowledge that their partner would sell something sexual of them to strangers, EVEN WITH PERMISSION, is skeezy and creey and gross enough to them for it to be a dealbreaker. For others, maybe they dont think of it that way and are ok with the thought of their partner selling something sexual of them, if they gave permission. It depends on how liberal you are with these things. TA must fall into the latter group. Exactly. Different people will have different perspective on this. Which is why: I also can't expect my partner to guess where my boundaries are, or to always share the same boundaries I do. I think people are unrealistic and idealistic if they think their partners will alway share their views about everything. To me, it would suffice that my partner consult me and accept my refusal to sell the tape.
John Michael Kane Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I think people are unrealistic and idealistic if they think their partners will alway share their views about everything. To me, it would suffice that my partner consult me and accept my refusal to sell the tape. I think people are unrealistic and idealistic if they think their partners won't actually follow through on their hypotheticals. This has more to do with seeing red flags than relationship views. The man said he'd sell his girl for money, then when she justifiably got angry he said he has another girl he'll angrily ram his dick in if she doesn't get with his program. How much more does one need to recognize? As I said before when one shows you who they are, you better pay attention.
Gala Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I know that the OP has bowed out of this thread. Regardless, I found her account of this conflict quite alarming because of what it expressed about both her BF's values, and his rather astounding insensitivity. The issue is not a hypothetical million dollars, but his emotional deadness in that exchange. OP, he has shown you who he is -- and capped it by trotting out another female connection from the wings. I have to wonder what other behaviors will emerge.
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