Author tigressA Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 (edited) Cee, I don't think it's a good idea to tell him that...I feel like it's manipulative. He's back now and it's sort of weird because it's like nothing happened. So I feel really awkward about bringing everything up again. Edit: Yes, you missed quite a lot, tfkizzle. I don't appreciate people not being fully apprised of what's going on in a thread before they post because usually, their post ends up being at least partially, if not completely irrelevant. I'd appreciate it if you didn't post again without being aware of what's taken place already--and that goes for anyone else thinking to post in my threads. Edited June 3, 2011 by tigressA
tfkizzle Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Cee, I don't think it's a good idea to tell him that...I feel like it's manipulative. He's back now and it's sort of weird because it's like nothing happened. So I feel really awkward about bringing everything up again. Edit: Yes, you missed quite a lot, tfkizzle. I don't appreciate people not being fully apprised of what's going on in a thread before they post because usually, their post ends up being at least partially, if not completely irrelevant. I'd appreciate it if you didn't post again without being aware of what's taken place already--and that goes for anyone else thinking to post in my threads. I don't appreciate people being rude or dramatic. Whether or not you like what I said, it's valid advice for your OP. I guess we can't always get everything we want.
Author tigressA Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 I don't appreciate people being rude or dramatic. Whether or not you like what I said, it's valid advice for your OP. I guess we can't always get everything we want. Actually, if you had read the whole thread, you would see that it is no longer valid advice--he knows that I am going away, and for how long, because I told him and he took me to get my bus fare today. If you had read the thread thoroughly before posting, then I would have had no problem with what you had to say because it would actually be relevant.
tfkizzle Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Actually, if you had read the whole thread, you would see that it is no longer valid advice--he knows that I am going away, and for how long, because I told him and he took me to get my bus fare today. If you had read the thread thoroughly before posting, then I would have had no problem with what you had to say because it would actually be relevant. (OP stands for "Original Post). Here's some life advice: Take it out on him, not me!
Author tigressA Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 I asked him to delete the one short clip he had and he did with me looking on. He also deleted other various photos of me scantily clad without me asking. I think he's upset with me for not trusting him as he rebuffed my cheek kiss and I had to pointedly say thank you twice before he said no problem without even looking at me. I am so tempted to walk out of here right now.
BobSacamento Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 What are you afraid of? Would you rather have home sit home twiddling his thumbs and wait for you to come home? Let him live his life.
johan Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 He shouldn't be making plans to go visit some girl. But I suspect he resents the tantrum you threw and how you responded when he tried to apologize. I still think your reaction looked a lot like a power play. You weren't only upset, but you were trying to punish him for what in his mind was a pretty minor thing. You didn't treat him as a trusted, equal, loved partner who screwed up but more like the wolf who suddenly dropped his sheep costume. Ironically I think it was you who who revealed the greater hidden issues, and he's the one who really has a reason to be angry.
carhill Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 I'd call it a draw and retreat without prejudice to regain perspective and agree to re-visit this in a week, since it looks like both parties are traveling. 'Without prejudice' is key. Resolve that the next conversation will be from a neutral POV. De-escalate. OP, question: Right now, do you feel this has gotten out of hand? I'm not referring to you at all, but 'this' dynamic itself. Can you envision a more synergistic path? If you can, each of you has the ability to steer to that path. Up to you. I'm not saying daisies and roses are at the end of it, but can you see another path than the one you're currently walking? At this juncture, I find myself nodding my head at johan's observations. Take a deep breath and think about this. Good luck
snug.bunny Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 He shouldn't be making plans to go visit some girl. But I suspect he resents the tantrum you threw and how you responded when he tried to apologize. I still think your reaction looked a lot like a power play. You weren't only upset, but you were trying to punish him for what in his mind was a pretty minor thing. You didn't treat him as a trusted, equal, loved partner who screwed up but more like the wolf who suddenly dropped his sheep costume. Ironically I think it was you who who revealed the greater hidden issues, and he's the one who really has a reason to be angry. Absolutely. Also, if you don't trust your boyfriend, then perhaps refrain from making racy tapes/naughty pictures in the first place. In doing so, there is always a risk attached to it, and if you don't think you can emotionally handle the "what ifs", well all the more reason to refrain from putting yourself in that type of situation. That's not to say his comment was morally correct, but drilling into him over it, does in fact show him that you no longer trust him NOT to carry out, a hypothetical...
Art_Critic Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 You really should look hard and long at why you are upset at this.. it seems a little like you are looking for an out.. Well.. isn't this a fine mess now... My first post in this thread is coming true... it has been twisted into such a mess now that he is looking to get back at you which will cause you to want out more.. Johan's last post is pretty insightful and CH is right.. if this can be salvaged at this point the word of the day should be de-escalate
Star Gazer Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 I went all silent again and he knew I was upset, but I didn't say anything until he started to dig in a little. I said, "I'm not comfortable with your possible weekend plans." He said, "So, what, I'm not allowed to have female friends now?" I said, "THAT IS NOT WHAT I SAID. I said I'm just not comfortable with it. " TA... c'mon. "I am not comfortable with your plans" is tantamount to "You are not allowed to go visit her." Don't even try to argue that it's not...
Art_Critic Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 TA... c'mon. "I am not comfortable with your plans" is tantamount to "You are not allowed to go visit her." Don't even try to argue that it's not... She is probably not comfortable with him doing it to get back at her either. He just so happens to find a friend to go to while she is getting space from him... He is acting out of hurt.. the same type of hurt she was acting out of in the beginning.. This is what happens when someone wants to breakup and or not stay together.. They are now both showing hurt feelings instead of resolving the the first problem.. Tit for Tat never works
Star Gazer Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 She is probably not comfortable with him doing it to get back at her either. I didn't comment on that. I commented only on her claiming that that's not what she said... when it was inherently what she meant.
Art_Critic Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 I didn't comment on that. I commented only on her claiming that that's not what she said... when it was inherently what she meant. You're a lawyer.. go back and read my post.. I never said you commented on that.. I added my thoughts and even used the word "probably"
Art_Critic Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 He's going to cheat. I don't think he is going to cheat..he just wants her to think he is considered desirable by another girl.. He certainly is pulling a power play of his own with that move..
2sunny Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 i think it shows a huge lack of his basic principles. i'd have a VERY difficult time warming up to someone EVER again - full well knowing they would betray me if they had the chance. no thank you - no way! since he emphatically stuck to intentions of betrayal given the chance - he's be out so fast. you need to move T - being THAT dependent upon any man is not healthy or good balance for you. get busy. any job is better than no job. you need to support yourself... so you don't have to put up with crap like that. that's not what love looks like... he gave you his truth - believe him.
Author tigressA Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 (edited) We talked again. I told him how I felt about him going to visit his friend--that he was planning on doing it just to retaliate for what I had done, etc. I said it seemed like an "awful coincidence". I asked him to please not do it. He said he wouldn't. It wasn't set in stone, anyway--he said he was thinking about it. I apologized to him for how I acted during the whole thing, acknowledging that while I was upset I also did want to punish him for what he said. He forgave me. I asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk to me about; he said no. And things settled back down to normal. Some major clarification on the initial sex tape issue: When we first discussed/"resolved" that conflict I asked him point-blank if he would sell one while we were together; he said he would never. When I said, "But you would still go behind my back and do it if we were broken up!" he looked genuinely confused and said, "I never said I would go behind your back. I only questioned you so much (about why I wouldn't sell it) because I wanted to know why you said no." When he said he would sell it I had assumed he would do it without my permission, though he never said anything like that. Also, he deleted what material he had right in front of me when I asked him to, without even the slightest bit of questioning. Neither of us had thought to bring up the permission issue during the initial argument, likely because my overblown, punishing reaction distracted both of us. The initial dilemma began with a simple lapse in communication, and the poor way in which it was handled made everything spiral into a mess. The communication lapse has occurred numerous times but on a much less consequential scale than this instance. Edited June 4, 2011 by tigressA
2sunny Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 I apologized to him for how I acted during the whole thing, acknowledging that while I was upset I also did want to punish him for what he said. He forgave me. that seems backwards. why are YOU giving him SO much power when HE said something that carried intent to betray? sure you reacted = but HE said something that brought on your emotional reaction - then YOU apologize? no T - this is backwards. you just rewarded his bad behavior by taking the blame for what he started with a insufficient moral compass. red flags everywhere.
Author tigressA Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 that seems backwards. why are YOU giving him SO much power when HE said something that carried intent to betray? sure you reacted = but HE said something that brought on your emotional reaction - then YOU apologize? no T - this is backwards. you just rewarded his bad behavior by taking the blame for what he started with a insufficient moral compass. red flags everywhere. I really think you're being rather extreme. Did you even read my entire post? The entire thing started with a total lapse in communication. In retrospect, my reaction was overboard. I was very upset, yes, but I did purposely do/not do certain things to specifically punish him, which was overboard. He was being honest with me but I took it out of context (by assuming he would betray me by not asking my permission which is not what he had ever meant) and ran with it. Also, for the record, he had genuinely apologized many times for hurting me with what he said and reached out to me when I was making my little power plays by not talking.
2sunny Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 I really think you're being rather extreme. Did you even read my entire post? The entire thing started with a total lapse in communication. In retrospect, my reaction was overboard. I was very upset, yes, but I did purposely do/not do certain things to specifically punish him, which was overboard. He was being honest with me but I took it out of context (by assuming he would betray me by not asking my permission which is not what he had ever meant) and ran with it. Also, for the record, he had genuinely apologized many times for hurting me with what he said and reached out to me when I was making my little power plays by not talking. yes, however, it's the principle of the matter... and he was trying to justify it... then YOU apologized for getting mad when you had a right to be totally offended by his lack of value for any woman. you should be upset - but you feel you can't because he's paying your way. now YOU are compromising your beliefs just to make HIM happy because you know he pays for you. that's not right for anyone. move out. stop relying on him - it will make you do things you wouldn't normally do. depend on and support yourself.
Author tigressA Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 (edited) you should be upset - but you feel you can't because he's paying your way. now YOU are compromising your beliefs just to make HIM happy because you know he pays for you. that's not right for anyone. move out. stop relying on him - it will make you do things you wouldn't normally do. depend on and support yourself. WOW. I shouldn't even bother responding to this because it's a load of BS...but I will anyway. I have no problem letting him know when I'm upset about something. I feel more than secure enough to let him know whenever I'm p*ssed off, and he hears me out. He has never threatened to kick me out or anything else; he has been nothing but supportive in my current dilemma and search for employment. I don't need him. I never have, and I certainly don't subjugate myself because he "pays for me". I said earlier ITT that I can leave whenever I damn well please and he knows that! I apologized for unduly punishing him. I am the only one who can say with any certainty that yes, I was upset--but I knowingly carried out actions that far exceeded how upset I was. Edited June 4, 2011 by tigressA
2sunny Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 ok then. if you even think for a minute that you compromised your values for him - that is not good and you know it. as long as you are aware of what's right for you... that works. for me, i'd have concerns just about the way he was adamant about selling another person's privacy for money... but that's just me.
johan Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 I apologized for unduly punishing him. I am the only one who can say with any certainty that yes, I was upset--but I knowingly carried out actions that far exceeded how upset I was. I think you are right to recognize this and be straight with him about it. Maybe the next step after the dust settles is to consider why you would do that. Why the need to go beyond simply asserting yourself to the point of trying to hurt him?
Author tigressA Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 There was no compromising of my values. I never backed down from my viewpoint, and I didn't apologize for it or for feeling hurt. He didn't back down from his viewpoint either (and as I pointed out it was made to be something it wasn't), and he readily apologized many times for having hurt me with what he said. We both did the same thing--apologized for hurting each other while still retaining our individual views on the matter. Johan, that's a good question. I guess I was projecting a lot with the unemployment issue. I had it deep in my head that he resented me and wouldn't talk to me about it, when there is absolutely no evidence for that and so much evidence to show that he has been nothing but patient and supportive--entirely not resentful. He's made it clear to me that job or no job, he loves having me here with him. I made myself feel powerless due to not having a job so I decided to "reclaim my power" by not talking to him. I lashed out at him for an insecurity that is entirely mine, that hasn't once been directly triggered by him.
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