Jynxx Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Lol, the guy just made a rookie mistake. That can happen, words can slip out of your mouth when you're not thinking , but him then saying it's the truth is the really bad part. He should deny deny deny, tell her he didn't think about it and he just meant he understood why people who are just superficial might get seduced by the money but you guys have something deep or whatever bull**** comes up in his head to spin it around. It's really the women 101: her ass does never look fat in that dress, you were having a good time with your friends and slept at your buddies house because he was way more drunk than you and you didn't want to leave him alone, you were definitely not checking out that chick that walked by, you would never do anything to hurt her even after the relationship. They should teach this stuff in school.
PinkInTheLimo Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 TA-Please be careful. In my experience, men who make comments like that tend to start small, then get worse and worse. In the past, I have overlooked small comments like that only to discover later that, cumulatively, they indicate the true character of a person... And I have ultimately found myself in worse situations than I would have if I hadn't ignored my gut. My suspicion is that he may have been doing small things that echoed the thoughts this prompted, and his comment was a catalyst, although I may be wrong. So.. Be careful. I hope those telling you that you blew it out of proportion are right, but in my book, that lack of integrity would be a deal breaker for me. 99% of people might sell out, but I would rather wait for that 1% who wouldn't, myself. :/ I agree. I find it a major red flag. I mean, he could have said it as something stupid, in the sense of "Oh yeah, I would sell a sex tape with you in it because you are so sexy that I would get a lot of money for it, hahaha..." In that case it would just have been a bad attempt at being humorous. But the guy was dead serious, it seems. The relationship would be over for me. I have sometimes not made a big deal about an upsetting remark by a man in the past, only to be confronted afterwards with the fact that it really said something about the guy in question.
PinkInTheLimo Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I started crying; I couldn't help it. He held me and kept saying he was sorry he hurt me, he loves me, that whole bit. We discussed it a bit more and no, he wouldn't ever do something like that while we're together, under any circumstances. Euh... not really reassuring, is it. I mean, isn't it the most normal thing that you would not do something like that while you are together??? This is about the way he would act when you are no longer together and let's face it, it's a lot easier to be decent towards your partner than towards your ex-partner. I would still be very worried...
Titania22 Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I found this thread extremely unsettling. Then I had a conversation with my guy friend. Please note: This is a guy who hassled me to turn off my computers at night to save electricity and save the planet. I told him the scenario, and we had a conversation, he agreed that for the right price he would sell a sex tape of someone else. Upon further questioning I discovered, that he would willing sell the sex tape even if the girl was 17yrs old and would likely commit suicide as a result of the betrayal. He said 'one life is worth the good he could do with the money'. Which may well be the case, but I still was thoroughly disgusted. I am very thankful for the men on here that said they would never do such a thing for any price. I personally would be forced to question where the guy draws the ethical line if i had been in TA's situation. I agree with NexusOne. I have had people swear blind they wouldn't screw me over whilst in the relationship, and then turn around and do it afterwards. I would have been a real idiot if they had told me they were going to beforehand and I chose to stay with them anyway. As I said to my male friend on skype, there are things I would do personally for a price, there are things I would never do for any price, and the things I would do for a price, I would never do to someone else for a price.
Cee Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Titania, your friend, the "idealist" basically said that he would murder an innocent person for the greater good of the planet. I would have asked him if he would commit suicide right this moment for the greater good of humankind.
Titania22 Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Titania, your friend, the "idealist" basically said that he would murder an innocent person for the greater good of the planet. I would have asked him if he would commit suicide right this moment for the greater good of humankind. Yeah, I don't think he would. Does confuse loving the planet with loving humans. Basically he said any behaviour for profit is acceptable if the good you do with the profit is better than the sacrifice.
Kamille Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Yeah, I don't think he would. Does confuse loving the planet with loving humans. Basically he said any behaviour for profit is acceptable if the good you do with the profit is better than the sacrifice. Than, surely, he would believe in consulting the sex tape partner. If people are going to benefit so greatly from the financial gain, the sex tape partner would likely be easily convinced. Come to think of it, that's the one issue I have with this thread. If anyone sold a tape of me for 1 million, I would want my share, and a say in how the money is spent.
Titania22 Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Than, surely, he would believe in consulting the sex tape partner. If people are going to benefit so greatly from the financial gain, the sex tape partner would likely be easily convinced. The question I posed for him was doing it against the will of the girl. The very fact that he believes he could do that to some 17yr old girl (not some evil person, not some troll, not someone who had hurt him, but to an innocent), that just says something about the ugliness of even those who would paint themselves as righteous. I get it these are moral dilemmas and everyone stands in a slightly different place. This is a man who believe people should be shot for buying cage eggs at the supermarket. (I am all against animal cruelty myself.) But apparently a 17yr old human is worth less than a chicken. (I am not even saying a human should be worth more than a chicken, but surely the human is worth the same as a chicken.) He said he couldn't be mean (not even kill) to one animal if it would save 50 other animals. But apparently he can push a girl to suicide to save some animals.
Author tigressA Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 Wow Titania, your friend is a grade-A a**hole. We talked more just now and of course, now I find out he wouldn't sell it without consulting me first--and he wouldn't if I said no. It sounded a bit too convenient but when I asked why he didn't say that right off, he said, "You didn't ask about that." I said, "What about the other times we talked about it and you were asking me so many questions?" He said, "I was questioning why you would say 'No' to it or something like it being sold." And thinking back on it, that is true. He likes challenging conventional viewpoints and will often take the other side just to get to the heart of why people feel the way they do. He's done that with me before. I said, "If you do that all the time, how am I ever supposed to know what your views really are, where your boundaries really lay?" He said, "Haven't you been paying attention to anything I've been doing these last 4 months we've spent together? You focus on all these hypothetical situations and what I would do, would not do...but it's like you ignore the things that I actually do and have done, in the present. Or if you don't ignore them, you immediately forget about them and start questioning the relationship when I say something that doesn't agree with your worldview." Really looking at my BF, what he does, what most other things he says ()--he's a good man. A very good, solid, honest man. It's what I've always said I wanted, and I finally have it, so I'm going to hold on to it.
Eve Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 If I listened to my Hubby too deeply, we would have divorced years ago. He says stuff to wind me up all the time and I do with him. It's quite enjoyable. I think one must respond to the heart of the person above all else. Tigress, I hope you two make it. I guess you are both learning how far you can push each other. Within all of this, I hope you both don't forget that you are only human. Take care, Eve x
Cee Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 (edited) Tigressa, I didn't bring up the sex tape thing before because I knew there was a deeper issue involved. But this is getting out of hand. If he's this serious about this, you get serious too. I am presuming that he made a sex video(s) with you as the starring player. Why not delete all of the videos right now? He says he loves you so, so much. He should be glad to delete the videos. It's not like he isn't looking at the real thing every day. Tigressa, you are in danger having those videos in his possession. Get rid of the videos and never make another one. In the olden days, people used to use mirrors during sex. Go do that instead. Or maybe you should dump this guy. I was originally on the side of you staying together, but I am beginning to change my mind. His insistence that an image of your nude body is his property to sell is downright insulting. Edited June 3, 2011 by Cee changed my mind
TokyoG33kyGal Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 if you ever make a sex tape with him, just keep saying or moaning something like "oh your penis is so small"
Stung Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 if you ever make a sex tape with him, just keep saying or moaning something like "oh your penis is so small" Interesting approach. I do agree with Cee above that no matter which way this goes, you should obviously destroy any sex tapes already made, and not make any more. I am kind of on the fence with this one, as it is "just a hypothetical" and "everyone has a price," but I also believe it does say something about his ethical system. I guess my personal reaction is in a gray area where I completely understand and sympathize with TigressA's concerns, but at the same time I think her outward reaction was over-the-top and agree that it could teach him to lie to her in the future, as evidenced by some of the male poster's responses in this thread. I do respect your man's honesty, T, and I would almost always rather hear the brutal truth than just what someone thinks I want to hear. But I know that you already know that your knee-jerk reactions to things tend to get a little overblown, and that's something I have struggled with myself at times, controlling my big hotheaded reactions. Out of curiosity, I asked my own husband this hypothetical. His answer was conditional. He would never just sell a sex tape of us behind my back, as I'm the mother of his son and even if we were divorced and hated each other, he couldn't look his son in the eye. Okay, what if we had never had a son together? He thought for a minute and said he would sell it behind my back, only if his daughter from a previous relationship was in some extreme situation that needed a crazy amount of cash, like she needed a life-saving operation that her health insurance didn't cover or something. In general, he said, he would be pro selling the tape, but he would talk to me first and offer to split the proceeds 50/50, after all I did half the work I should get half the $. I was perfectly satisfied with his answers and then had to reflect on what amount of money exactly would prompt me to agree to sell the tape. Now we're just waiting for somebody to come beating on our door making us an offer .
Kamille Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Now we're just waiting for somebody to come beating on our door making us an offer . My offer: 5 bucks. I can, after all, pretty much get porn for free on the web...
TokyoG33kyGal Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 i came late in the party and the OP seemed to have solved her dilemma but i just wanna share something... when my fiance and i were still trying to get to know each other (since we're dating long distance), we would read these books called the book of questions (the other one is specifically for love and sex). they're nice books cuz i was interested how we would answer it differently. there were questions that even though hypothetical, we had to answer in truth because we felt like our ethics were being judged at the moment. but there were questions we didn't take seriously. but i think i actually answered that i will screw Leonardo diCaprio (and since i know he won't pay me any attention or there's small to no chance that i will ever meet him) even if i was in a relationship with my fiance. man, to think if my fiance judged me that time because of that answer i would have been lonely by now but as someone said, hypothetical question/conversation is some sort of mental masturbation (for me it's intellectual intercourse). i recommend those books anyway. in some ways you'll see different facets of your bf's mind if you do that together. it's interesting because the questions have follow-up questions so you will see how his logic works.
Stung Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 My offer: 5 bucks. I can, after all, pretty much get porn for free on the web... For you, Kamille, we'll fly over and do it right in front of you. Hot hardcore free live action...we'd just ask for a place to spend the night, after. My husband get too sleepy to drive .
Kamille Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 For you, Kamille, we'll fly over and do it right in front of you. Hot hardcore free live action...we'd just ask for a place to spend the night, after. My husband get too sleepy to drive . Of course! I'll even make you breakfast!
Author tigressA Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 It would appear all is not resolved...we're at a stalemate again. I finalized the arrangements to visit my dad--I'm going next Saturday and staying through the following Sunday. Before we went to get my bus fare BF mentioned maybe going somewhere for a weekend while I'm not here, to visit a friend. I said, "Does this friend have a vagina?" He said, "Yeah, why does that matter?" I went all silent again and he knew I was upset, but I didn't say anything until he started to dig in a little. I said, "I'm not comfortable with your possible weekend plans." He said, "So, what, I'm not allowed to have female friends now?" I said, "THAT IS NOT WHAT I SAID. I said I'm just not comfortable with it. Do you have any history with her?" He said he doesn't. I said, "Well...that's better, I guess." He said he was a little "disgusted" with me because he felt like I was twisting an innocent friendship into something dirty when I didn't even know anything about it. He said, "Clearly you have major trust issues." I almost said, "Broken record, broken record! Tell me something I haven't known for years!" but I wisely refrained. We didn't talk at all on the trip to get my fare, and as soon as we came back to the apartment he left again without telling me where he was going. I'm just sitting here by myself. I really can't help but feel like his "visit" is some sort of retaliation for the last couple of days. I don't know what to do. I feel like this might be the end of us.
Chocolat Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 You mentioned (I think it was you) that your bf is aware you post on this board. Do you think it's possible he read this thread and is aware of your ambivalence about him?
Author tigressA Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 You mentioned (I think it was you) that your bf is aware you post on this board. Do you think it's possible he read this thread and is aware of your ambivalence about him? He's aware that I post but I really don't think he read this thread. I don't think he would ever read it. And I don't see where I was ambivalent about him ITT.
Chocolat Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 He's aware that I post but I really don't think he read this thread. I don't think he would ever read it. And I don't see where I was ambivalent about him ITT. Well, you discussed ending the r/s, which is more than ambivalence! Anyway, I think it also could be that your reaction to his statement about selling your sex videos may have signaled that leaving without explanation, being unwilling to talk, etc., are acceptable behaviors. Are you leaving tomorrow or next Saturday? Do you have time to sit with him and really talk about what is going on with you two, what you feel, what you want?
Cee Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I'm one of the most secure and un-jealous women around, but I would ask my BF to kindly not visit his female friend this week. Let him visit her any other time of the year, but not during a stressful period in your relationship. He may consider that controlling, but your situation is so crazymaking already - living together too soon, him suggesting marriage too soon, your unemployment, your insecurities, and ethics conflicts. Ask him not to add any stress. I think now is the time to be honest and tell him you are considering ending the relationship. He needs to hear that from you because he already senses it. Total strangers on the internet know you are hanging by a thread. Tell him that too. It will devastate him, but at least he won't feel like he's going crazy.
Author tigressA Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 Well, you discussed ending the r/s, which is more than ambivalence! Anyway, I think it also could be that your reaction to his statement about selling your sex videos may have signaled that leaving without explanation, being unwilling to talk, etc., are acceptable behaviors. Are you leaving tomorrow or next Saturday? Do you have time to sit with him and really talk about what is going on with you two, what you feel, what you want? I'm leaving next Saturday, so there's plenty of time. I guess I'll have to be the one to start talking when he gets back...whenever that will be...it's already been close to an hour now that he's been gone.
tfkizzle Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I only read the first page of responses, so I'm sure I missed a lot and this has possibly already been brought up. Also sorry for not sugarcoating: Regardless of how you feel about what your bf said, I think that running away to your dad's for some undisclosed period of time is a really immature way of trying to punish him. If you feel so strongly about him or this situation, and you really don't think you discuss then get over this, and you really think you need some kind of break, then you need to calmly tell him that you need a few days to yourself. Personally, if my bf pulled something like what you suggested on me, I would tell him not to bother coming back. I'm sorry you feel hurt and disrespected, but I think you should find another way of working through that. My mind is still swirling and I don't know what I want my next plan to be. I have an urge to get out, at least for a little while. Last night the TV was tuned to CNN and Piers Morgan was interviewing Paris Hilton (not the best program choice, I know ) and he asked her the inevitable set of questions about the sex tape. I said, "There are cases when a tape or nude photos are purposely released in order to garner publicity, but in other circumstances, when someone does it without the other knowing--that's a huge betrayal. I can certainly understand her feeling devastated and violated, if that was the case." BF argued that people who are in the public eye "should know better" and be conscious that there are plenty of people out there who are out to make a good bit of money off them. I said, "People don't think about that when they're in love! When you're in love with someone you trust them to not do that sort of thing to you no matter what!" That's when he dropped the bomb on me. He said that if we ever broke up and he had the chance to make a lot of money (like a million or so) by handing over X-rated material made during our relationship, he would. I couldn't believe it. I still can't. I had to leave the apartment after a couple of minutes because I didn't want to see or hear him. He went out after I came back; he said he was sorry and tried to hug me, I said, "Please don't touch me." He came back and we didn't say a word to each other. He sent me a text (A TEXT! When he's sitting RIGHT THERE! ) telling me again, "Sorry, I love you, blah blah". He fell asleep and then I went to bed, making sure we weren't touching. After awhile he woke up and tried to spoon with me; he wouldn't let me go even though I kept taking his arm off me. He repeated his apologies and I sat up, said, "I know. Please stop." We didn't say a word to or look at each other before he left for work this morning. I don't know what to say to him. I feel like he's severely damaged the trust I have so far put in him. I already feel violated and betrayed, knowing that if he had the chance, however remote, to violate me for a cool million or two, he would. I am thinking of getting a one-way bus ticket to my dad's house and staying there for an undetermined period. I really love him; other than this incident he's been so amazing and supportive and because of that I am not immediately thinking of breaking up...I think I just need some time away.
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