Author tigressA Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 BF in this scenario makes the colossal blunder of being -honest- with Tigress, probably because he loves her deeply and respects her mind, thinks she is better and smarter than the others, less flighty and prone to knee-jerk emotional responses. Tigress you are training him to be slick and evasive, just like most of the rest of us have learned to be. Cool, if that's what you really want. He knows well enough that's not the case with me. I have had several "knee-jerk emotional responses" to things that he has said. It's been a habit of mine for as long as I can remember. It's gotten me into trouble, it's made me regret many things I've said and done. He has already expressed concern about having to stop being so honest with me just to avoid my reactions. Cee, thanks for your input. Put that way, I would be doing a disservice to both of us to act before hearing him out. I don't think I'm ready to talk with him about it yet, though.
Imajerk17 Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Tigress, you did say yourself that you can be cold and vindictive yourself, right? Well, you are seeing an ugly side of him as well. It very well could be that every human being has such a side, just as you do, and just as he does. Something to consider...
Kamille Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 T, if anyone sold a tape of you without your consent, you could sue them for defamation. I know this doesn't change what he said, but to me, it clearly indicates that you were both thinking in hypotheticals and that neither of you had ever hatched out a plan to sell sex tapes without the other's permission. So his statements should really be put in the context of the conversation you were having. I understand that the issue for you is that you now believe he would be capable of betraying the current value of your relationship, should conditions change in the future. I also understand that you're horrified at the idea that he would let strangers see you naked (and in action), should they offer him enough money. You feel he is saying he is capable of betraying your basic dignity. My question is the following: Would he sell the tape for 1 million$ if you two were still together? Or is the selling of the tape contingent on a change in R status? Strangely, this argument reminds me of one I used to have with an ex. He believed that if our relationship ended, there was no way he could be my friend. Those comments always hurt me because I felt like: but I will always care for you, wish you the best, and deep down be your friend. My point is: I think part of the issue is how you each view loyalty after the end of a relationship. (Anedoctally, ex and I are still friends - and he's the one who eventually made the first move to rekindle our friendship). I think it would be a good idea to remind him that I can very damn well fend for myself without him. He's far from the only person I can count on right now. I could always find a place with either of my parents and get back on my feet that way. I could leave as soon as all my s*it is packed and never come back. I certainly am not and never will be stuck with his insecure score-keeping. It would serve him right to come home from work one day and find that I have packed up and left. Where is this coming from? Your capacity to be autonomous has very little to do with the argument as you've presented it. I'm starting to wonder if a part of your anger isn't stemming from something completely different than the basic ethical aspect of the argument.
Author tigressA Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 (edited) Kam, no, I don't think he would sell it if we were together. As we phrased it it would be contingent upon a change in our status as a couple--as in we would no longer be one. As for the autonomy thing...Carhill and S4S pointed out that he could be feeling like he's entitled to say these things to me because he secretly resents me "sponging off of" him even though he's been outwardly very supportive (I was the one who was adamant about splitting everything and he fought me on it!) and he knows I'm doing all I can to find another job. That, as S4S put it, I can't afford to be picky because of my circumstances. And honestly, I have been suspecting that he really does resent it despite his outward behavior. I keep feeling like there's something he hasn't been telling me about how he feels and it could be leaking out in other ways, like with this sex tape stuff. Edited June 1, 2011 by tigressA
zengirl Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I think what he said just jibes with human nature, particularly male human nature (no man I know would care if there were a sex tape released with him in it -- unless it was of him not being able to perform or something). Millions of dollars versus re-offending an already ex-GF? Not a contest. Even if someone might not do it, really, they'd often say/think they would. Personally, it's why I'd not make any sex tapes! I'd never trust anyone with them or want the risk. But, goodness, I worry more if a guy doesn't put his foot in his mouth once and awhile---any honest guy is going to. In the end, do whatever will most likely make you happy in the bigger picture, not be more satisfying in the moment or more of a reaction. That's always my motto.
Kamille Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Kam, no, I don't think he would sell it if we were together. As we phrased it it would be contingent upon a change in our status as a couple--as in we would no longer be one. See, to me this is significant. He was probably thinking in absolutes. should the opportunity to sell "any sex tape" with someone "I no longer have an allegiance to" (and might I add: "with no legal consequences") for 1 million dollar present itself, I would probably do it. Meanwhile, you were thinking about your current personal relationship, something he currently would not betray. He currently feels loyal to you, and protective of your dignity. As for the autonomy thing...Carhill and S4S pointed out that he could be feeling like he's entitled to say these things to me because he secretly resents me "sponging off of" him even though he's been outwardly very supportive (I was the one who was adamant about splitting everything and he fought me on it!) and he knows I'm doing all I can to find another job. That, as S4S put it, I can't afford to be picky because of my circumstances. Ok, with all due respect to C and S4S, Tigressa, please don't let LS get into your head this way. You didn't feel he was saying these things because he was feeling resentful this morning and he otherwise (as far as I know) never expressed any resentment about your situation. If anything, you've always reported that he was incredibly supportive and understanding. I understand you're angry and feeling betrayed, but your poor bf isn't going to understand where you're coming from if you start importing issues out o left field, issues that weren't part of your thought process when you woke up this morning.
sally4sara Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Kam, no, I don't think he would sell it if we were together. As we phrased it it would be contingent upon a change in our status as a couple--as in we would no longer be one. As for the autonomy thing...Carhill and S4S pointed out that he could be feeling like he's entitled to say these things to me because he secretly resents me "sponging off of" him even though he's been outwardly very supportive (I was the one who was adamant about splitting everything and he fought me on it!) and he knows I'm doing all I can to find another job. That, as S4S put it, I can't afford to be picky because of my circumstances. And honestly, I have been suspecting that he really does resent it despite his outward behavior. I keep feeling like there's something he hasn't been telling me about how he feels and it could be leaking out in other ways, like with this sex tape stuff. Hey now! Not everything I suggest becomes fact! I look to you to gauge how likely a suggestion is because its YOUR relationship and I am not in it to know. It is just as likely to me that you are feeling down on yourself about your employment issues and expecting him to get down on you too as though you deserve it. That would be a you issue; not a him issue causing these feelings of late you are experiencing.
Art_Critic Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 please don't let LS get into your head this way. You didn't feel he was saying these things because he was feeling resentful this morning and he otherwise (as far as I know) never expressed any resentment about your situation. If anything, you've always reported that he was incredibly supportive and understanding. I understand you're angry and feeling betrayed, but your poor bf isn't going to understand where you're coming from if you start importing issues out o left field, issues that weren't part of your thought process when you woke up this morning. Agreed.....
Author tigressA Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 Hey now! Not everything I suggest becomes fact! I look to you to gauge how likely a suggestion is because its YOUR relationship and I am not in it to know. It is just as likely to me that you are feeling down on yourself about your employment issues and expecting him to get down on you too as though you deserve it. That would be a you issue; not a him issue causing these feelings of late you are experiencing. Sorry, I didn't mean to put it like it was fact. I AM extraordinarily down on myself about the employment stuff. I do expect him to bear down on me too. I could very well be reading into every little thing he does or doesn't do, says or doesn't say, and assume it's because he resents me because I am currently Unemployed Girl. Anyway. I'm going to run away for a little bit. Taking a shower, having my dinner at a nearby pizza place and not coming back until I damn well feel like it.
Rose T Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I think what he said just jibes with human nature, particularly male human nature (no man I know would care if there were a sex tape released with him in it -- unless it was of him not being able to perform or something). Millions of dollars versus re-offending an already ex-GF? Not a contest. Even if someone might not do it, really, they'd often say/think they would. Personally, it's why I'd not make any sex tapes! I'd never trust anyone with them or want the risk. But, goodness, I worry more if a guy doesn't put his foot in his mouth once and awhile---any honest guy is going to. In the end, do whatever will most likely make you happy in the bigger picture, not be more satisfying in the moment or more of a reaction. That's always my motto. I think that Zengirl makes some good points - I'd add something else: choose your battles wisely. If this is huge for you, by all means chew it over some more. But if you think you can let it go, do so. I know you don't feel it now, but there will probably be more important battles to come.
Star Gazer Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 T, if anyone sold a tape of you without your consent, you could sue them for defamation. Defamation arises out of the making a false statement/publication. If she indeed had sex with him (which she has), I don't see how she'd have a valid cause of action for defamation...??
Author tigressA Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 I got back and he was home, he said he tried calling. I had purposely let my balance run out so nothing would come through. He tried talking to me, I said I was still upset and after a few minutes of silence he said to let him know when I want to talk. I don't know what to say.
Kamille Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 I got back and he was home, he said he tried calling. I had purposely let my balance run out so nothing would come through. He tried talking to me, I said I was still upset and after a few minutes of silence he said to let him know when I want to talk. I don't know what to say. What do you want? What would make you feel better, given that he cannot change what he said? I feel like you're trying to punish him by letting your credit run out and not being there. I don't understand exactly what those actions are supposed to accomplish. So the question is: how can you solve the situation? Can you forgive him? What do you need in order to be able to either forgive him or be able to talk about this productively? I'm not saying you should be ready to discuss the situation now. But staying angry isn't going to resolve the situation.
eerie_reverie Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 I dunno... if y'all are broken up and it's really a million dollars, I think most people would sell. I would sell... but then again, I don't think "my body" is all that sacred... it's nothin most people don't have or haven't seen. I don't think he is saying he values money over your love... just money over an ex's privacy. You SHOULD know better when you're making a sex tape with someone.
johan Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 (edited) I agree with Kamille. This is just punishment. I would even suspect it's a power play. He didn't upset you nearly as much as you've chosen to be upset and indignant over his ethical "weakness". I would say that you're gambling with his respect for you. It seems like you think there's little risk that you could end up not only jobless, but homeless. He's probably thinking, "a million? At this point I'm thinking I'd hand them over for a good beer." Edited June 2, 2011 by johan
Author tigressA Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 What do you want? What would make you feel better, given that he cannot change what he said? I feel like you're trying to punish him by letting your credit run out and not being there. I don't understand exactly what those actions are supposed to accomplish. So the question is: how can you solve the situation? Can you forgive him? What do you need in order to be able to either forgive him or be able to talk about this productively? I'm not saying you should be ready to discuss the situation now. But staying angry isn't going to resolve the situation. I don't know what I want, and I don't know what to say, so it's like...what's the point in me saying anything until I know?
Cee Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Tigressa, you have written so much in this thread about what you believe he thinks of you - that he has no regard for you, no deep love, nor respect. I would start the conversation by bringing that up. I suggest you have a glass of water or tea on hand. That will slow you down as you talk. It will remind you to stop talking for moments as you gather your thoughts. And it will give you something to do as you listen to him. I have always talked to my partner as quickly as possible about a conflict. I follow the rule "never go to bed angry." It's not always possible, but worth a shot.
Nexus One Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Many people replying in this thread are completely missing the point. The guy in effect said that he would screw her over for money, yet some are saying: 1. Yeah but there is a difference between what people say and the reality of the situation, i.e. your tapes wouldn't be worth a million, so don't worry. But that's not the point. 2. Yeah but he was just being honest here. But that's not the point. The f*cking point here is that her boyfriend pretty much confessed to her that he would screw her over for money. And apart from that fact it implies that he he's not in love with her enough, because you wouldn't even f*cking consider doing that if you were crushing head over heels and/or in love. You'd think people would side with TigressA on this due to the guy being in the wrong, but what I'm in fact reading here is others making up excuses for the guy. Helping, you're doing it wrong.
D-Lish Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 (edited) Tigress, you're obviously fuming right now. My suggestion to you is NOT to make any major decisions in this state. I react impulsively, and it's been my downfall in relationships. Whenever I have a fight with a partner, I impulsively walk out (and always regret it). There is a possibility if you leave to go stay with your dad, there might not be a place for you to come back to if you decide you want to a few days later. For me, a clearer head prevails after a few days. With my last ex, pretty much everytime we fought I threatened to break up with him, or I did break up with him, only to come back a few days later with my tail between my legs. I'd tell him we "weren't right for each other" and take off for a few days. Guess what? I said it so much, when he dumped me, he told me the same thing "I don't think we are right for each other". I was constantly planting the seed in his head until he started believing it himself. Not that your situation is similar, only trying to illustrate that how you handle your fights will have a great impact on the longevity of your relationship. I'm not going to weigh in on the comment he made- only your reaction to it and how to handle it. I only advise you to think long and hard before taking off or making such a heavy decision when you're so angry. Let's look at the facts- you love him, he's been good to you, and by your own admission, this is the first major issue that's come up. Is it really a deal breaker? It is a scenario that isn't likely to ever come up, ever- and maybe because of that he felt his statement was innocuous. He did apologize, but in all honesty, he can't back track or take it back after he said it because it wouldn't be believable for him to retract it. I know you and I are similar when it comes to being impulsive in our relationships. I've pushed people away by being impulsive, so I'd just like to suggest that you take a deep breath and don't make any major decisions right now. If you do leave in anger, you might not be able to take it back. Furthermore, if you handle every fight by walking out, you're going to eventually give him the impression that you're not "in it" for the long haul. TBF gave me that advice in my last break up- not to make any major decisions given my emotional state at the time- but I went against that advice and that decision I made at that time was the last straw for my ex. Seriously honey, give yourself a chance to cool down before taking off. You're in a hard place right now, and it must feel awful to not have a job and be so dependant on your guy at the moment. That reality can't be helping the matter. Edited June 2, 2011 by D-Lish
BobSacamento Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 The guy gives you a hypothetical scenario and your reaction is to give him the silent treatment. I don't think it would really matter what you did because the relationship didn't hold much water as it stands. If my GF did this to me I would be worried about whether I was committing statutory.
johan Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 I'm with you on this one, Bob. A little perspective would help. Actions speak louder than words: in this case his words, as dumb as they were, are steadily losing significance in light of her actions.
Pfiend101 Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 For a million bucks!? Hell yeah I'd sell a sex tape. I have a hard time believing anyone here wouldn't for a 1,000,000$
Art_Critic Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Actions speak louder than words: in this case his words, as dumb as they were, are steadily losing significance in light of her actions. Where do you come up with stuff like this ?.. It is absolutely brilliant and possibly the best post in the thread.
Kamille Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Tigressa, you have written so much in this thread about what you believe he thinks of you - that he has no regard for you, no deep love, nor respect. I would start the conversation by bringing that up. This is really sound advice. Figure out why the comment hit you so hard. I know you disagree on ethical grounds. But you as Cee points out, it also made you feel disrespected. Or, you could look at it this way. At least now you know he wouldn't sell a sex tape of an ex for less than a million dollars .
melodymatters Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 I'm with you on this one, Bob. A little perspective would help. Actions speak louder than words: in this case his words, as dumb as they were, are steadily losing significance in light of her actions. Agreed, and honestly D-Lish gave you a response that was so from the heart, I'm welling up down here in Fl. I hate to play the "age card", but it seems so many of us 30 and above are in the "pick your battles" camp....but when I was mid 20's...something like this might have bothered me too. I think a lot of it is simply deciding whether one wants ( or needs) to be upset, and at what cost ? If you simply need a break from the guy, that's cool.
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