tman666 Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 LOL at you guys being so serious with this. Of course I would dump my girl if she slept with someone else. I never suggested that she ignore red flags, not set boundaries, or let herself be a doormat. All I'm saying is that making a big deal out of such a benign, silly comment is a surefire way to (as others before me have stated) make the relationship more conducive to an atmosphere of deceit, insincerity, and fear of honest conversation. That doesn't sound healthy OR fun, but hey, if you fearful puritans like it that way, who am I to tell you how to live?
Art_Critic Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 This is a big reason why I'm so deeply disturbed and hurt by his admission. Then I would do as CH suggests and work it out with him.. First fight.. how you handle this is pretty important... Explain to him your hurt and let him soak it in and act accordingly.. hopefully he will apologize and you will accept his apology and move on from here.. The movie Indecent Proposal brought lots of couples into asking and answering really unlikely and totally hypothetical scenarios in their relationships.. the movie was all fantasy.. and in many ways so is being paid one million dollars for a sex tape. I think you need to realize that you are looking at it one way and he is looking at it another.. does that make him wrong ?
Star Gazer Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 TA, does it bother you that he'd sell YOUR sex tape, or ANY sex tape? If he was offered a couple million for an ex-GF's sex tape and he accepted, would that offend you as much?
PinkInTheLimo Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 LOL at you guys being so serious with this. Of course I would dump my girl if she slept with someone else. I never suggested that she ignore red flags, not set boundaries, or let herself be a doormat. All I'm saying is that making a big deal out of such a benign, silly comment is a surefire way to (as others before me have stated) make the relationship more conducive to an atmosphere of deceit, insincerity, and fear of honest conversation. That doesn't sound healthy OR fun, but hey, if you fearful puritans like it that way, who am I to tell you how to live? You are SO missing the point. Not wanting your ex to sell a video with you in it has nothing at all to do with being puritan. People have the choice to want to keep certain images of themselves in the private sphere. In Europe this would in any case be illegal because you cannot publish the image of someone if they don't want it (so if your sportsclub puts a picture of you on their website and you don't want it, they have to take it off or you can go to court over this). In a relationship there is an atmosphere of trust, you show yourself to each other IN PRIVATE. Not respecting this is a huge breach of trust so the comment is not benign at all.
EasyHeart Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Thank you. This is something I brought up a couple of times already in my posts. This is a big reason why I'm so deeply disturbed and hurt by his admission. "The first time someone shows you who you are, believe them."--Maya AngelouBut you're acting like said, "My hobby is strangling kittens" or "Would you like to see my kiddie porn collection?" 99.9% of men (if they were being honest) would have answered your question in the same way.
denise_xo Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 You are SO missing the point. Not wanting your ex to sell a video with you in it has nothing at all to do with being puritan. People have the choice to want to keep certain images of themselves in the private sphere. In Europe this would in any case be illegal because you cannot publish the image of someone if they don't want it (so if your sportsclub puts a picture of you on their website and you don't want it, they have to take it off or you can go to court over this). In a relationship there is an atmosphere of trust, you show yourself to each other IN PRIVATE. Not respecting this is a huge breach of trust so the comment is not benign at all. Absolutely agree. That statement in itself would be a pretty huge, red flag for me. I appreciate what people are saying on the difference between what people say and what they do, but just that he said it and (according to himself) meant it, is more than enough for me. I'd be extremely put off and hesitant if I were TigressA.
tman666 Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 You are SO missing the point. Not wanting your ex to sell a video with you in it has nothing at all to do with being puritan. People have the choice to want to keep certain images of themselves in the private sphere. In Europe this would in any case be illegal because you cannot publish the image of someone if they don't want it (so if your sportsclub puts a picture of you on their website and you don't want it, they have to take it off or you can go to court over this). In a relationship there is an atmosphere of trust, you show yourself to each other IN PRIVATE. Not respecting this is a huge breach of trust so the comment is not benign at all. I completely agree that selling private information (in this case, a porno vid) of anyone, including your ex SO is highly unethical and wrong. No argument there. Scale and context matter though. I personally think that saying that he'd sell it for a million dollars is like me saying that I'd slit the throat of someone who murdered my family. Yeah, I might be serious, but the chances of that happening are so small that (hopefully) my gf isn't thinking of dumping me on the grounds that I "might be a killer". We ALL have potential for committing great wrongs, whether we like to admit it or not. In my opinion, all her bf is guilty of is admitting that he indeed, like all human beings, is capable of dark acts. I just think that it's a little ignorant and overly self righteous to believe oneself to be above all wrong.
Author tigressA Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 I'm still really shocked and hurt. I probably won't be able to really talk to him about this for another day or so without lashing out at him. Any intimacy is out of the question for an indefinite period. I'll probably be off to visit my dad next week, too.
snug.bunny Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Thank you. This is something I brought up a couple of times already in my posts. This is a big reason why I'm so deeply disturbed and hurt by his admission. "The first time someone shows you who you are, believe them."--Maya Angelou Hi Tigress, In response to that quote you are referencing...He didn't "show you" though, he commented based on a hypothetical. If he made comments like the one he did frequently and was suggestive with it, then I can see how it might be disturbing, so try not to put too much stock into it.
denise_xo Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I completely agree that selling private information (in this case, a porno vid) of anyone, including your ex SO is highly unethical and wrong. No argument there. Scale and context matter though. I personally think that saying that he'd sell it for a million dollars is like me saying that I'd slit the throat of someone who murdered my family. Yeah, I might be serious, but the chances of that happening are so small that (hopefully) my gf isn't thinking of dumping me on the grounds that I "might be a killer". We ALL have potential for committing great wrongs, whether we like to admit it or not. In my opinion, all her bf is guilty of is admitting that he indeed, like all human beings, is capable of dark acts. I just think that it's a little ignorant and overly self righteous to believe oneself to be above all wrong. Actually, killing someone who murdered your family is about ten thousand times more understandable than selling an intimate video tape of your ex for money, I think. Which posters exactly have argued that we don't have the potential to do (serious) mistakes? The fact that we are all capable of doing serious sh=t doesn't mean that we shouldn't take red flags seriously - actually it's more of a reason to take red flags seriously, IMO.
Author tigressA Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 Actually, killing someone who murdered your family is about ten thousand times more understandable than selling an intimate video tape of your ex for money, I think. Which posters exactly have argued that we don't have the potential to do (serious) mistakes? The fact that we are all capable of doing serious sh=t doesn't mean that we shouldn't take red flags seriously - actually it's more of a reason to take red flags seriously, IMO. Agreed...I'm honestly quite surprised (and disappointed) to see a pretty significant number of people telling me to not take it as a big deal. It's not that you're telling me what I don't want to hear--I welcome all points of view and my thread history shows that. It's just that as other posters have said, it's a matter of ethics. The scale and likelihood are not what's most important here.
LexiB Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 That's exactly how I feel, and it wounds me very, very deeply that he doesn't feel the same. It also makes me wonder what he would be willing to do for a huge chunk of change while we're still together. Like mitchell said on a previous page, he's basically shown that to an extent, he values money more than me, more than the love we share/had shared. I wonder how deep that runs. Wow...are you sure it'd even have to be a "huge chunk of change" though? He may have said "a million" in an (obviously failed) attempt to take the edge off the fact that he'd be willing to sell you out in the first place. I'd be kinda concerned about what he'd do if God forbid, he lost his job and just needed rent money after you broke up... That said, as an isolated incident I don't think this comment is worth breaking up over. It would however, make me reevaluate the relationship. It's not exactly fair, because you'd be judging him based on a hypothetical statement made in confidence, but even so...this new aspect of his personality is out there now and you can't ignore it if it's important to you. It just comes down to whether this "flaw" balances out for you in light of everything else you know about him, good and bad. If things work out between you two, just make sure you control the camera, the comuter and the flash drive from now on! Oh, and just say NO to "sexting".
heartshaped Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Agreed...I'm honestly quite surprised (and disappointed) to see a pretty significant number of people telling me to not take it as a big deal. It's not that you're telling me what I don't want to hear--I welcome all points of view and my thread history shows that. It's just that as other posters have said, it's a matter of ethics. The scale and likelihood are not what's most important here. I have to ask you though, what if the situation was reversed? Say you held an ethical belief that he did not and he became upset because of it would you feel that was reasonable?
Author tigressA Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 Yes, reevaluating...I certainly am doing that. The only thing I know about when he comes home today is that I don't want him touching me. I don't know if I want to talk to him. I don't know if I even want to be here when he comes through the door. It's my turn to cook dinner tonight but I feel like letting him make his own damn food.
Author tigressA Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 But you're acting like said, "My hobby is strangling kittens" or "Would you like to see my kiddie porn collection?" 99.9% of men (if they were being honest) would have answered your question in the same way. That's funny because he tried to justify it in much the same way. He actually told me to post the question on "your forum" (he knows I post on LS) and said he would bet most other people would respond like him if they answered honestly. Urgh. If 99.9% of men would respond like him then I clearly have had way too much faith in the male gender.
sally4sara Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I think to myself "Ugh Paris Hilton; zero merit for her monetary holdings." Someone I respect has no reason to fear what I might do to them even if we didn't work out and our relationship ended. I had compromising pics of my ex and I didn't flash them around to people he would have been mortified to know had seen them. It isn't about someone not being willing to pay X amount of money for a sex tape of my SO because they are NOT Paris Hilton, its that someone like Paris Hilton doesn't get my respect. The amount of consideration I would give someone like her is considerably less than what I would give someone I chose to be in a relationship with. Is it even remotely possible that he was just trying to say that if you were like Paris Hilton in his eyes - he would sell such a tape of you for money, but since you're not, he would not do such a thing TO YOU in the event of a break up? Now who I would betray in such a way would be guilty of worse things than someone like Paris Hilton - she is petty and small potatoes. There ARE people in this world who DO deserve to be betrayed in awful ways because they do awful things to people everyday. Of course those kinds of folks are not people I would have sex with for a tape to be made in the first place. But there are people I would do a great many things to, to end the damage they cause others.
Author tigressA Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 (edited) No, S4S, that is not what he was saying at all. He said if he had the chance to get rich off of selling a sex tape featuring me, NO MATTER HOW OUR RELATIONSHIP ENDED (this part was clarified after I questioned him further), he would do it. And wow, you just brought up a huge point...does he even really respect me at all if he would be so open to selling me out like that? Edited June 1, 2011 by tigressA
sally4sara Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 No, S4S, that is not what he was saying at all. He said if he had the chance to get rich off of selling a sex tape featuring me, NO MATTER HOW OUR RELATIONSHIP ENDED (this part was clarified after I questioned him further), he would do it. And wow, you just brought up a huge point...does he even really respect me at all if he would be so open to selling me out like that? Damn girl....that sucks. You might just be seeing who he really is when he thinks someone "owes" him and he doesn't have to be on his best behavior. The employment situation and him being helpful about it has him thinking you can't be picky enough to get rid of him right now? I'd be hiding all cameras and camcorders.......
Janesays Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I seriously can't believe how bent out of shape everyone is getting about this! I just spend the better part of an hour fantasizing with my boy about the private tropical island we would buy and live on should anyone be dumb enough to pay us millions for our sex tapes.
Author tigressA Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 Damn girl....that sucks. You might just be seeing who he really is when he thinks someone "owes" him and he doesn't have to be on his best behavior. The employment situation and him being helpful about it has him thinking you can't be picky enough to get rid of him right now? I'd be hiding all cameras and camcorders....... You bring up a likely possibility... I just remembered something. When we were discussing the merits of having kids/not having kids he said something like I'm probably "stuck" with him because there aren't too many other men out there who don't want kids. I am starting to wonder now if he is insecure/controlling enough that he is trying to scare me into staying with him.
Author tigressA Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 I think it would be a good idea to remind him that I can very damn well fend for myself without him. He's far from the only person I can count on right now. I could always find a place with either of my parents and get back on my feet that way. I could leave as soon as all my s*it is packed and never come back. I certainly am not and never will be stuck with his insecure score-keeping. It would serve him right to come home from work one day and find that I have packed up and left.
Art_Critic Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 That's funny because he tried to justify it in much the same way. He actually told me to post the question on "your forum" (he knows I post on LS) and said he would bet most other people would respond like him if they answered honestly. Urgh. If 99.9% of men would respond like him then I clearly have had way too much faith in the male gender. I haven't posted my opinion or thoughts on whether or not I would do such a thing.. I have only talked about your BF and how I feel that this seems like a mountain made out of a mole hill and you really need to get some understanding and resolve it with him... or as CH posted.. go your separate ways. My opinion of what I would do... I wouldn't..but 2 million.. then my knees would be shaking and I'd be consulting you to find out what your thoughts were at the 2 million price point .. I do know the value of a dollar...
sally4sara Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I think it would be a good idea to remind him that I can very damn well fend for myself without him. He's far from the only person I can count on right now. I could always find a place with either of my parents and get back on my feet that way. I could leave as soon as all my s*it is packed and never come back. I certainly am not and never will be stuck with his insecure score-keeping. It would serve him right to come home from work one day and find that I have packed up and left. Will this solve it for you? You do something to remind him of the obvious (surely he didn't find you living on the streets), and then come back like it fixes the difference in character you are seeing now. Is this just you two being different people with different values? Or is this just the beginning of you teaching him how to not speak his honest truth to you? If what he said is his honest views on the matter, its his right to have those views. Just as its your right to not want to be with someone who has those views. Don't fall for the game of "momma didn't raise you right but I will". Its no fun.
Author tigressA Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 I don't know what to do. I feel so hurt and pissed off and utterly confused. I understand it's his right to feel the way he does, but...I can't help feeling like the fact that he has a price at all indicates he doesn't really respect or love me, and he certainly would have no respect or regard for me once we split, no matter how or why we split. It makes me feel like he thinks he can get away with saying/doing these things because I'm dependent on him right now. It makes me seriously question his feelings. He said more than once that he loves me above all. Clearly with what he said last night, he doesn't. I think I'm going to just not be here when he comes home.
Cee Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Ok, I've read this thread from beginning to end & I see a big fight coming. Here are my thoughts: Before you unleash your fury that you've built up all day, make a list of all the things you love about him. Even if he isn't the man for you, remember he is human and is fundamentally decent. You breaking up with him will devastate him. It may be what you have to do, but please show kindness. In every thread, you have said how kind and supportive he has been. Please, try to show the same kindness back to him. I have broken up with boyfriends and I have never used their actions as the reason for the break up. It always came down to incompatibility or that I needed to grow more. I never dump a man and lay the blame solely on him. That's not fair. I am not in favor of righteous rage ever. Self-righteousness is rigid, inflexible, and judgmental. I was raised by a mother who was always self-righteous, which meant that she was never wrong. And how dare anyone question her because she is just and noble. It's a horrible thing to experience. Please, don't inflict that on your BF. Give him the benefit of the doubt and listen. And then decide.
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