Art_Critic Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 That guy's an idiot. There is a little bit of that as well happening.. It does seem similar to the "Do I look fat in these pants?" kind of question. No guy in his right mind would ever answer yes.. But her guy took the honesty route and then dug in his heels.. It seems she is using the question and his answer as a way to look into the man and relationship rather than just saying.. oh.. that sucks.. looks like we won't be making any home made porn. For me.. this seems like one of those step back and let it air out moments.. then talk about something else unless this is a deal breaker.
Author tigressA Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 There is a little bit of that as well happening.. It does seem similar to the "Do I look fat in these pants?" kind of question. No guy in his right mind would ever answer yes.. But her guy took the honesty route and then dug in his heels.. It seems she is using the question and his answer as a way to look into the man and relationship rather than just saying.. oh.. that sucks.. looks like we won't be making any home made porn. For me.. this seems like one of those step back and let it air out moments.. then talk about something else unless this is a deal breaker. I don't really know if it's a deal breaker. In light of everything else, it probably shouldn't be. He is a great boyfriend and I love him. But what he said--what he feels, thinks, believes he would do in that situation--it thoroughly disgusted me. I keep thinking about all we've done in bed together, the two of us, because we share an attraction, because we're in love. And that he would share it with total strangers to make a buck if we were no longer together. Right now thinking about being intimate with him again makes me feel extremely vulnerable, in a bad way.
PinkInTheLimo Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 In my mother tongue, we have a proverb which I can translate as "The fool says his truth while he is laughing." I would also be highly disturbed by this because it would make me question his ethics. And maybe he pretends it was just said in an impulse or as a joke, but as in the proverb I mentioned earlier, these impulsive or funny things often say a lot about a person. I'm not telling you to break up with him right now but you need to scrutinise his actions and opinions and if you come across a second thing like this, I would dump him.
PinkInTheLimo Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Right now thinking about being intimate with him again makes me feel extremely vulnerable, in a bad way. Perfectly understandable.
Janesays Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Dude, if my man had the opportunity to sell my sex tape for 2 million dollars and he DIDN'T take it, I'd break up with him. I mean, that's 2 million! He could buy me one heck of a present with that!
PinkInTheLimo Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I think you are feeling insulted that he wouldn't protect those vids the same way you would.. well.. he isn't you.. There is a difference between not protecting those vids the same way she would and making the effort to sell them. Just the fact that he even considered it... Not good.
Author tigressA Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 There is a difference between not protecting those vids the same way she would and making the effort to sell them. Just the fact that he even considered it... Not good. Right. To me protecting indicates taking measures to prevent something from being stolen/otherwise improperly used. Saying you'd be open to selling them if a lucrative offer came around is not even close to the same thing as protection.
Art_Critic Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 There is a difference between not protecting those vids the same way she would and making the effort to sell them. Just the fact that he even considered it... Not good. But it is all hypothetical.. in reality who is too say what he REALLY would do ? Breaking up with a guy over a hypothetical would be self destructive. You have already said she should break up if she finds another thing.. Crazy..IMO... tigressA.. regardless of it all..it has affected you and you should take some time to sort it out. Maybe just give it some time and revisit it to see how you still feel..
carhill Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt." Abraham Lincoln It is possible to connect his 'honesty' with the psychology and circumstances of the relationship; IMO, if so, and if it takes such a stretch, he has some serious communication issues. Example: Unemployed girlfriend is sponging off of me. My resentment is growing. I'm not communicating this resentment because I'm getting laid. Argument about unrelated topic ensues. I make allusion to making money in a way which any normal person would consider hurtful to their partner unless otherwise permitted in advance by their partner. This is just one potential psychological scenario and in no way is any insight into actual events. So, this argument is good information, on many levels. I hope the time with family is fruitful and enjoyable. That's one thing I miss, not having any family anymore. Good luck
heartshaped Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I think morals and ethics are all well and good to talk about, but when it comes down to it I don't think the majority of people would stick to them because this is really what this is; an ethics and morals issue. Honestly, if you were given the opportunity to benefit extremely from the selling of something that would bother or humiliate your ex, you wouldn't take it? Most people aren't so loyal to their spouses so to expect a person to be that loyal to an ex is a bit farfetched. Just most people won't admit to these types of things.
Author tigressA Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 (edited) I think morals and ethics are all well and good to talk about, but when it comes down to it I don't think the majority of people would stick to them because this is really what this is; an ethics and morals issue. Honestly, if you were given the opportunity to benefit extremely from the selling of something that would bother or humiliate your ex, you wouldn't take it? Most people aren't so loyal to their spouses so to expect a person to be that loyal to an ex is a bit farfetched. Just most people won't admit to these types of things. No, I honestly wouldn't--because it would be humiliating to me too. It would show that I am too petty and classless to rise above a negative experience. I could not live honorably if I did something like that; it would follow me forever. A sex tape in particular would be putting a price on my body and something that I did for love, though the love is no longer there. I just couldn't live with myself. He did also say that no matter what the circumstances of the breakup--even if we were still friends!--he would do it. That answer came after I questioned him further. Carhill, that's an interesting perspective...I think it's unlikely, but it could be possible. He knows I'm really sensitive about the unemployment thing and may not want to come off as a nag. From the beginning he didn't want or expect me to contribute anything; he said it would be unfair and illogical because pretty much nothing changed for him financially after I moved in, except the food bill. That was when I argued for alternating paying for that at least, and he gave in. Lately though I can't help but feel like he's started to change his mind on that now that I don't have a job. Edited June 1, 2011 by tigressA
carhill Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Honestly, if you were given the opportunity to benefit extremely from the selling of something that would bother or humiliate your ex, you wouldn't take it? Everyone is different and I do have the goods (as discussed in the thread) and no way would I ever do that to someone I once loved, for any amount of money, no matter how destitute I was (and I'm not exactly rich right now). Ironically, that issue underscored some of our marital issues, those surrounding money. My exW might align with your opinion, IDK. Big world, lots of different perspectives. My advice to the OP, since I didn't offer any prior, would be to attempt to reach a neutral emotional place and then communicate to resolve this, one way or another. 'Oh, honey, I was just kidding' is not resolution I would want to hear, IMO. A famous one I've heard a lot was 'you must've misunderstood'. Equally ineffective
Author tigressA Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 Everyone is different and I do have the goods (as discussed in the thread) and no way would I ever do that to someone I once loved, for any amount of money, no matter how destitute I was (and I'm not exactly rich right now). Ironically, that issue underscored some of our marital issues, those surrounding money. My exW might align with your opinion, IDK. Big world, lots of different perspectives. My advice to the OP, since I didn't offer any prior, would be to attempt to reach a neutral emotional place and then communicate to resolve this, one way or another. 'Oh, honey, I was just kidding' is not resolution I would want to hear, IMO. A famous one I've heard a lot was 'you must've misunderstood'. Equally ineffective That's exactly how I feel, and it wounds me very, very deeply that he doesn't feel the same. It also makes me wonder what he would be willing to do for a huge chunk of change while we're still together. Like mitchell said on a previous page, he's basically shown that to an extent, he values money more than me, more than the love we share/had shared. I wonder how deep that runs.
Woggle Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I don't blame you for being angry. I had some nasty photos of my ex and some people suggested I put them on the internet but no matter what happened I would never stoop that low. I just destroyed them. I can't stand Paris Hilton but nobody should have their sex life displayed all over the world without their permission.
tman666 Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I think that the scale of his comment has been overlooked. He said he'd sell them for a million dollars. Nobody ever is going to pay a mil for your sex tape, or probably anyone's sex tape. I'm not saying that as a dig against you, Tigress, but come on now. That'd be like me getting mad at my gf for saying that given the opportunity, she'd sleep with Brad Pitt/Gerard Butler/(Insert hawt male celeb here). The chances of something like that happening are so remotely slim that taking them as a serious, plausible scenario is silly. Yes, the principle is still scummy, but context remains important to the meaning.
Star Gazer Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 This would make me uncomfortable too. But to put the shoe on the other foot... Just because you would feel violated (as would I) doesn't mean that he would sell the tape thinking that it would violate you - particularly given his "you should know better than to make a sex tape to begin with" type argument. He's assuming you'd be broken up, and thus he'd have no desire to protect you, but on the other hand could make millions, so why not? Kinda makes sense - not that I agree with him. I also agree with everyone that you're teaching him it's better to lie to you.
carhill Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 IMO, the future of the relationship, or not, will turn upon how this is resolved. Life, and relationships, both platonic and romantic, are full of challenges. It's how we deal with those challenges which describes us and, ultimately, our compatibility to face those challenges with that particular partner. First big fight (OP's words). OK, let's resolve it, either to building greater intimacy or to going separate ways. The status quo is over.
Author tigressA Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 I think that the scale of his comment has been overlooked. He said he'd sell them for a million dollars. Nobody ever is going to pay a mil for your sex tape, or probably anyone's sex tape. I'm not saying that as a dig against you, Tigress, but come on now. That'd be like me getting mad at my gf for saying that given the opportunity, she'd sleep with Brad Pitt/Gerard Butler/(Insert hawt male celeb here). The chances of something like that happening are so remotely slim that taking them as a serious, plausible scenario is silly. Yes, the principle is still scummy, but context remains important to the meaning. I appreciate your comment Tman, but I respectfully disagree because it isn't the scale that bothers me. It's the fact that even though the chance is extremely remote, he would reach out and grab it if it ever came around. The fact that he revealed he has such scummy principles regarding a matter like this really bothers me. It makes me question my trust in him and wonder if we're fundamentally incompatible, as I have repeatedly stated in this thread that I would never take the chance he would for ANY amount of money, no matter what my circumstances in life.
tman666 Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I appreciate your comment Tman, but I respectfully disagree because it isn't the scale that bothers me. It's the fact that even though the chance is extremely remote, he would reach out and grab it if it ever came around. The fact that he revealed he has such scummy principles regarding a matter like this really bothers me. It makes me question my trust in him and wonder if we're fundamentally incompatible, as I have repeatedly stated in this thread that I would never take the chance he would for ANY amount of money, no matter what my circumstances in life. You could get struck by lightening or hit by a bus too, but that doesn't prevent you from going outside, right? There's no guarantee that a relationship won't end in hurt or heartbreak. I suggest focusing on the his positives and the positives of the relationship. Part of growing as a couple is learning to accept the faults and quirks of the other person. You get to decide whether or not his faults and the faults of the relationship outweigh the perceived benefits from your side.
Author tigressA Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 I talked to my dad about coming for a week-long visit this month. He said we'll talk soon to set a date. He asked if everything is OK with BF and I said, "Yeah, fine." I don't want him to know what's going on. Involving him would be a bad idea because even if things get resolved, my dad will never like or trust my BF--he shares the same values I do with regard to this, and since I'm his only daughter he's already very protective of me.
John Michael Kane Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I think that the scale of his comment has been overlooked. He said he'd sell them for a million dollars. Nobody ever is going to pay a mil for your sex tape, or probably anyone's sex tape. I'm not saying that as a dig against you, Tigress, but come on now. That'd be like me getting mad at my gf for saying that given the opportunity, she'd sleep with Brad Pitt/Gerard Butler/(Insert hawt male celeb here). The chances of something like that happening are so remotely slim that taking them as a serious, plausible scenario is silly. Yes, the principle is still scummy, but context remains important to the meaning. So if your girl said she'd sleep with a male celebrity the first chance she'd get (even though it's highly unlikely) you'd still stay with her? Wow. Sorry I'm not going to be a cuckold. Some things your partner say or do are dealbreakers. The fact that people say something of that magnitude just shows how they'll act in their relationship in the future, which makes them untrustworthy. Just because it's hypothetical doesn't mean it won't happen or they won't do something similar or even worse than what they're talking about doing if the chance ever conjured. When someone shows you how they act or how they feel early on in the relationship you better pay attention.
PinkInTheLimo Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 You could get struck by lightening or hit by a bus too, but that doesn't prevent you from going outside, right? There's no guarantee that a relationship won't end in hurt or heartbreak. I suggest focusing on the his positives and the positives of the relationship. Part of growing as a couple is learning to accept the faults and quirks of the other person. You get to decide whether or not his faults and the faults of the relationship outweigh the perceived benefits from your side. It is not because a relationship ends in hurt or heartbreak that it is a normal thing to ask money for things which belong in the privacy of a relationship. This has to do with basic respect. The fact that this man even suggests this is highly worrying because in my eyes it mean he lacks ethics. Of course you should accept the faults of the other person in a relationship but this is more than a fault, it is a completely different approach to dealing with other people.
John Michael Kane Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 You could get struck by lightening or hit by a bus too, but that doesn't prevent you from going outside, right? There's no guarantee that a relationship won't end in hurt or heartbreak. I suggest focusing on the his positives and the positives of the relationship. Part of growing as a couple is learning to accept the faults and quirks of the other person. You get to decide whether or not his faults and the faults of the relationship outweigh the perceived benefits from your side. Nah "focusing on the positives" is just another way to say denial. If part of growing as a couple is learning to accept faults of your partner, then part of being in a good relationship is also learning your boundaries and your limits.
Author tigressA Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 Just because it's hypothetical doesn't mean it won't happen or they won't do something similar or even worse than what they're talking about doing if the chance ever conjured. When someone shows you how they act or how they feel early on in the relationship you better pay attention. Thank you. This is something I brought up a couple of times already in my posts. This is a big reason why I'm so deeply disturbed and hurt by his admission. "The first time someone shows you who you are, believe them."--Maya Angelou
heartshaped Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Maybe the bigger issue here is what is your plan of action now that this has been said. Are you planning on talking with him about this in more detail? I think it would be important to figure out what his exact code of ethics is and whether or not that clashes with your own.
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