findingmeagain Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 A little background info: My husband and I met when I was 19 and he 22. We were married 6mths later and had our first child 6mths after that. I had always told him that I had wanted at least 2 children and that it was very important to me after being an only child for my first 10yrs of life. 12mths after our first child was born I started to talk of #2 only to be told he no longer wanted more than one child. I felt trapped in a marriage that maybe I entered too hastily. Months down the track I happened to fall pregnant by accident and thought it was a wonderful blessing. But sadly lost the baby at 17 weeks. Externally hubby didn't seem sad or disappointed at all and I fell into depression. A few months later he kept encouraging me to get online and start chatting to people in chat rooms (I had no interest at first) after a while I got interested. I met a man who I chatted to as purely a friend. Months of him telling me everything I seemed to need to hear and I left my hubby, had a small fling and then realised I had made a massive mistake. Hubby and I reconciled after about 5mths apart and happily went on for another 7yrs and 4 more children. Our youngest was 6mths old when hubbys friend and I started chatting both online and on the phone. Nothing out of the ordinary as I chatted to all his friends and he mine. Hubby and I seemed to be fighting all the time over housework, 'kid duty' and what each of us should be doing for the other. Friend would call to see that we were both ok after fights and slowly started telling me my hubby didn't appreciate me, that I was too good for him and the only one giving in the relationship. Bit by bit I started to believe him that it was my hubby making me unhappy, when in reality I was suffering from post natal depression. He was so convincing, having been through 2 bad marriages and also having 5 children I trusted his advice. I didn't even realise he had ulterior motives. I eventually had enough and asked hubby to move out. Hubby moved out and joined an online dating site within the week. I wondered how he could love me if he was already on a dating site and ignored his pleas to go to marriage counselling. Friend and I got closer and talked daily. I found out that hubby and numerous female friends from the dating site that he spoke with online. Again I doubted his love for me and got closer to friend. Hubby started to accuse us of sleeping together, of me having an affair, which just got me angry. 3mnths after him moving out I started to doubt friends advice and invited hubby over one night. While he was in the shower I was looking at his mobile phone and saw that he had sent one of our mutual friends 18yr old sisters who had just had a baby 7 weeks earlier to some unknown guy, a picture of him very naked. I was convinced he had never loved me and hated him for about 18mths, no matter how hard he tried to get back with me. I eventually started sleeping with friend but never actually had a relationship as such. I finally went back to work and my depression lifted and I started to see the light. I realised how manipulative friend had been and what had really happened. I moved away when offered a job transfer with the hope that maybe hubby would follow and we could make a fresh start. He had not had a relationship or slept with anyone during our 2yrs apart. I poured my heart out to him and apologised until I was exhausted. He told me he didn't love me in the same way anymore and wanted to work on our friendship and see what developed from there, with the hope that we would be together again. From a distance for 18mths we worked on friendship, talked daily, emailed, and we both visited regularly. I then moved back home and over the past 18mths we have spent most weekends together, even living together about 8 of those 18mths. We get along really well just like old times, we still enjoy all the same things and to outsiders look like the perfect couple. But hubby refuses to have a relationship. He says he is still angry and isn't ready. Still dangles that "My end goal is for us to be together again but I need time" in front of me. While I live alone, raising our 5 children and working full-time. He isn't seeing anyone and spends most of his free time with us or the kids alone. He still says he doesn't love me enough to just let go of his anger and move on with me. Fair enough...but he always ends with how he hopes at the end of the day that we get back together. I can't live this fake relationship, waiting and praying. I am of the belief that you just decide you want it more than anything and move on...or do your best until eventually it's not an issue anymore...together. I can't see him changing while he is alone, it's the only thing we fight about and I just can't live in limbo anymore...3yrs is my limit I think. I have spent every day of the last 3yrs trying to make up for my mistake, I don't have a single male friend, I only speak to family online or female friends, I don't go out or do anything that would make him suspicious. I apologise all the time and share my feelings for him and do everything I can to make him see how I have changed and learnt from the past years. Still no change. I know I started this, I am 100% to blame. But when is enough enough? I can't get over him with him so much in my life. I can't live in limbo it is doing my head in and I think about it 24/7. Is it time to let go, or will he ever change? I am so confused....
marqueemoon4 Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 i guess a good time is if your partner tells you to.. or if you're ready to.
What_Next Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 This might sound harsh but it isn't meant to be. Neither of you were ready for a commited marriage. You were too young to be married in my opinion. The end result was the affairs. His behavior was just as destructive as yours so please don't think I am singling you out. Unless you are BOTH 100% commited to this relationship you should BOTH do the adult thing and let it go and move on with your lives.
Mauschen Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 You have 5 children with this man, and I don't understand why waiting a bit longer is a problem. What else are you going to do? I can't imagine that it would be easy to date with 5 children, at least not until they are grown up. Stop begging and pleading with him and make yourself appear happy and confident with what you have. Work out, do fun things with your girlfriends, etc. Happy, confident people are much more attractive than people who are needy, who beg and plead. Maybe this new tactic will help him make up his mind more quickly. You can also try reading His Needs Her Needs, but this book is really for married couples living together, so might not apply 100% to your situation. But it could help you better understand what your husband's needs are and how you can meet them. I do suggest not smothering your husband though, and this book is a bit into smothering.
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