Did my friend take advantage of my feelings for him?

[bluerose88]

I was in love with my friend whom I’ve known for years. We’re both 17 now. I never told him about my feelings but I was a devoted friend to him. I helped him with all sorts of problems, did his homework and did special, thoughtful things for him all the time. His feelings for me are less clear. He seemed happiest when we’re together and when we’re alone, he’d hold my hand, give me hugs and cradle my face in his hands. But because he’s someone who loves to laugh, joke around and flirt, his actions just left me confused. I must mention that he is handsome, nice, fun and popular.

 

And then a mix-up with our things resulted to him accidentally finding out my feelings for him. I was so mortified but we never spoke about the incident. He didn’t seem weirded out and he continued to treat me with the same teasing affection. The year before my family and I had to move away, a girl entered the picture. Almost immediately, she started throwing herself at him and I could tell that although he didn’t take her seriously at first, he was starting to get interested in her. The day before I left, I gave him a silver necklace and a handmade card thanking him for his friendship. As for him, he just said thanks and waved a casual goodbye. That’s about it. I was so hurt. I promised to myself I will move on and forget about him.

 

Fast forward to last year. He texted me and asked me to help him with his high school thesis. I told him I was busy but he begged me to help him. I ended up doing everything – the research, the leg work, the statistical analysis and the whole manuscript. The whole time I was doing his thesis, we communicated through text, chats and emails. In our conversations, he was as friendly and teasing as ever. He was mildly flirtatious, making jokes like “I promise to kiss you after this” or “You really miss me, don’t you?” Although I’d vowed not to expect anything, his words made me feel like I’m special to him after all.

 

After I was done with his thesis, he texted to thank me. I felt acutely disappointed. I expected that after all the hard work I’ve done for him, he’d at least make more effort to show his appreciation than just sending a text message. Maybe flowers or a small gift or a dinner? I don’t live that far. His parents own a restaurant and they’re well-off.

 

And then I found out that he had a girlfriend the whole time (it was that girl) and that they’re crazy about each other. I felt like my heart died in me. I felt used and manipulated. We recently chatted on IM for a few minutes. I didn’t say anything about his gf. He was still friendly and jocular like he hasn't done anything wrong.

 

But has he? I feel heartbroken but I’m also confused. Do I have the right to feel hurt and used? After all, he’s my friend and when we were together he’d always come to me for help. He didn't say if he had a gf or not and I didn't ask. Did I just mistake his friendliness for something more? Was it ok for him to make jokes like that and to ask me for a big favor knowing how I felt about him?

 

I can’t believe that a guy would be totally unaware of what he’s doing when he flirts with a girl that he knows is in love with him.

 

Please tell me – was he being selfish or was he just clueless of the effect of his actions?

[tman666]

I'm sorry to hear that your kindness and feelings for this kid have been abused by the very subject of your affections.

 

You could chalk this up to cluelessness on his part, but the fact that he was flirting with you the entire time you were doing his thesis AND he has a girlfriend leads me to believe that he was probably fully aware of what he was doing.

 

Honestly, you can't allow yourself to be treated like this. Don't talk to him anymore. Cut all ties, and move on completely. People here call it NC (No Contact): essentially, you suddenly disappear from his life. No calls, no texts, no talking about each other through mutual friends, no facebooking, no hanging out, and absolutely no doing his homework for him . Granted, he'll definitely notice that his "whipping girl" is no longer there for him to toy with, and he might try everything in the book to get you to start communicating/hanging out with him again. You need to resist the urge to reciprocate. He has you under his thumb, and he knows it. Even if he didn't have a girlfriend, this scenario wouldn't be grounds for a healthy relationship. He's shown his true colors and that he's not worth your time and energy.

 

Moral of story: no good deed goes unpunished. Best of luck. There are other, more worthy boys out there for you.

[bluerose88]

Honestly, you can't allow yourself to be treated like this. Don't talk to him anymore. Cut all ties, and move on completely. People here call it NC (No Contact): essentially, you suddenly disappear from his life. No calls, no texts, no talking about each other through mutual friends, no facebooking, no hanging out, and absolutely no doing his homework for him .

 

Yes, this is what I fully intend to do. If only I could wipe him out completely from my memory too. When I saw the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," I immediately thought of him.

 

Thank you so much for patiently reading my long post and for your sympathy and advice.

 

It's hard to fall in love with someone who's nice, witty and so much fun to be around, then they turn out to be rotten inside. It's difficult to believe that that person is not good for you despite all the glaring signs.

 

All the best to you.

[whichwayisup]

Ouch..He used you and he did take advantage of your kind and loving heart. You gave to him, and he shi.t on you. A thank you text? WTF. I want to call him on YOUR behalf and give him crap for that! He owes you. A dinner, a present, and especially a big thanks in PERSON!

 

You did too much and went beyond the call of duty of helping a friend. He took advantage.. You should have helped him, not done 'everything'.

 

Fact that he had a gf all along, just shows what an ass he truly is. Sounds selfish and has some shining narcissistic qualities too!

 

You are loyal to him but he isn't to you, so it seems..And you have every right to feel hurt and angry at him!

 

Maybe it's time to distance yourself from him and detach, rid of the feelings. Loving someone you can't have, or loving someone who doesn't feel the same way hurts like hell. We've all been there!! I remember years ago back in high school I had a loving crush on a guy, and he did use me (though at the time I didn't realize this) and i would do nice things for him, go out of my way to help him. I later found out he didn't like much at all and actually did a lot of talking behind my back. That guy and I were not friends after I realized what he was doing.. it hurt but was well worth cutting him out of my life.

[bluerose88]

I want to call him on YOUR behalf and give him crap for that!

 

Thanks.

 

I'm not the type of person who wishes other people ill but I'm now at the anger stage of my grief where I think to myself, "I hope you have a miserable life, you nasty life-sucking piece of #@%&!!"

 

The thing is, he's so popular and well-liked. I don't think a lot of people really know what he's like. He seems perfect. I suppose he still has a long career ahead of him as an opportunist .

 

We've been friends for many years and looking back now, I see that he's the kind of person who just takes and takes and never gives anything in return. I can't believe that it took me a long time to realize that.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your experience in high school. It seems guys like this are everywhere.

Edited June 2, 2011 by bluerose88