StrawberryWalrus Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Currently in my LDR one partner is having a lot more difficulty dealing with the distance than the other one, it's not that feelings have changed, or that the latter is less interested/committed. It just seems that the one partner is in constant need of reassurance that the relationship is still on track, and seems to be more depressed over the distance. I was just wondering if this has happened in any other relationships?
Cathster Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Oh yes, this is certainly true of my relationship. My partner is equally as committed to the relationship as I am, but because he was the one that initiated the LDR by moving for work, he doesn't need the reassurance that I do, and doesn't get (as) depressed over the distance like I do. We are both very much in the same place with regards to the fact we want to continue the relationship, but he is the one with the new exciting job, in the new exciting country making lots of new friends - lots of good things happening, whereas for me I've just gone from living with a long-term boyfriend to living alone in a boring job, with my partner 3000 miles away, so it's understandable to both of us why I would be the more depressed of the two! I don't know which of you in your LDR is the one who is having more trouble, but I know in my situation my partner gets very irritated with my constant need for reassurance. He does provide it for me, but when it was weekly he was getting frustrated with just repeating the same things over and over. So I've had to force myself to think more of the positives, and try to avoid talking too much about the negatives, as that just causes arguments.
HeavenOrHell Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I used to find the distance harder than him, but it was because he was still seeing his ex gf a lot (close friends) and it made the whole thing pretty unbearable, the distance seemed worse, everything seemed worse as she was there and I wasn't, since he started seeing less of her the distance doesn't get to me, as long as we have plenty of contact I am happy. It would get to me if we were only able to meet every few months, but 6-8 weeks is fine. I have needed more reassurance about us and the future than him purely because he will be the one doing the moving and he's an anxious about it, so I worry he won't feel able to do it, plus he rarely talks about his feelings which means I want reassurance, if he were more forthcoming then I wouldn't. Currently in my LDR one partner is having a lot more difficulty dealing with the distance than the other one, it's not that feelings have changed, or that the latter is less interested/committed. It just seems that the one partner is in constant need of reassurance that the relationship is still on track, and seems to be more depressed over the distance. I was just wondering if this has happened in any other relationships?
hyperpulse Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 This is definitely happening in other relationships because I'm dealing with the same thing. My boyfriend and I met over the internet so our relationship has been mostly long distance. We're been together 2 years now. I have visited him over winter break and stayed with him all summer. I moved in with him and his family last December and I had to come back in May to Florida where I'm from because things got really hectic with his family. He lives in California by the way. Anyways, we were together for a solid 5 months, and since I've had to come back all I can do is obsessively think about how I wish things would have worked out there because I was looking forward to starting a life out there with him in California. Every day I regret coming back here and wish I was still there... but there's nothing I can do about it. Now I'm back living with my family that is dysfunctional and I'm depressed every single day without my boyfriend. It has been a lot harder for me to cope with it than him and we are both in love and committed to each other and want to stay together. He has been supporting my feelings and I feel so bad that I make it depressing for us. I just don't know what we're going to do or how we'll get back together. I think that is my main problem... he still doesn't have a job and I am going to start a new job soon. All I can do is hope and pray that we can really have our life together back. We built so many great memories together and we were so happy being together. Now we're 3,000 miles apart again and I've never felt so dead inside in my life! I hope everything works out for you, just know that there are people like me that can relate to what you're going through. I encourage you to stay strong and believe that it will work out. If you believe in it it will come true!
Author StrawberryWalrus Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 Yes, distance does suck, however there is a positive side to it as well. So sure you can't be next to your SO physically, but in my relationship it has forced us to have better communication. I spent 2 amazing months (dec/jan) with my boyfriend in his country, we spent 95% of the time together. The first month back home was incredibly hard for me, thankfully I started back at university and as the work load increased I started finding it much easier to deal with the distance. My boyfriend on the other hand seemed to be handling things just fine (despite the fact that he is by far the more emotional one). Now 4 months down the line the roles seem to have been reversed. For the past few weeks he has been constantly telling me how depressed he is, and how hard he is finding the distance, and that over all he is simply just struggling to not have me there next to him. This has caused quite a few petty arguments. I often feel that he overreacts, he tends to have trouble controlling his anger, but we're working on that and it is getting better. Mainly the arguments start when he feels that I am not giving him enough attention. At times I get frustrated with the situation and unfairly take it out on him. Any advice on how to deal with the frustration caused by the distance? And ways I can support my SO with the depression, help him get over it?
TMichaels Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 At times I get frustrated with the situation and unfairly take it out on him. Any advice on how to deal with the frustration caused by the distance? And ways I can support my SO with the depression, help him get over it? Make definitive plans to see each other even if that "sometime" is months or longer away. It will give you both something to hang on to, look forward to, talk about, save for and talk about. It can be the "light at the end of the tunnel" that keeps you both afloat when you just want to give up the ship. Best, TMichaels
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