FightClub Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 The more I move past that point in my life, I have the urge to give dating a shot again after being single for awhile. I'm curious to hear how things have gone for those who have gotten to a certain point to join the dating scene again, what's it been like for you since the affair? Have you found a stable relationship in your new partner and what has it been like overall? Very interested to see everyone's perspective on this! -FC
Author FightClub Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 To clarify, I meant dating single partners after having been involved with A xAP, not dating xAP, incase there was any confusion! -FC
MorningCoffee Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Interesting topic. Well, doubt that my post-A dating experience is any paradigm, but I was interested in two folks I have met in the months since out of the A. One let me know after a couple of very informal get-togethers (not dates by any stretch, but dating was my intention) that she was strictly interested in friendship, so that ended that. (I have three good women friends, & bless 'em. Just not looking for another.) And the other woman revealed early on that she is in a LTR, so I set the friendship boundary in the first fifteen minutes. If I see her again (and it's a big if), it will be to meet her guy, cause if I can't be a friend to the couple, then I am outta there. Don't want to become friends with a MW, BTDT, had the affair and have the scars that came from it. Last, decided to sign up for a little online dating and see if I happen to click with anyone. No expectations. Mostly just working on my life. That's the role dating has in my post-A life. At the moment. In all areas, I am applying lessons learned painfully from the A.
Gentlegirl Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 NC almost 6 monhts. I have had a couple of dates. There really has been no interest or spark on my part. I have put the idea of dating away for the present. It tells me that it's just not time yet. The A lasted 3 years and the attachment , physical and emotional was great. It still lingers. When I am really over the A I will think about it again. Right now, I have a wonderful demanding job, caring family and a few treasured friends. Oh also two soppy loving dogs. I am a happy woman with that for now. Gentlegirl
TigerCub Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 The more I move past that point in my life, I have the urge to give dating a shot again after being single for awhile. I'm curious to hear how things have gone for those who have gotten to a certain point to join the dating scene again, what's it been like for you since the affair? Have you found a stable relationship in your new partner and what has it been like overall? Very interested to see everyone's perspective on this! -FC Hey FC, Glad to hear you're thinking of goin back 'out there' I dated when I was involved with xMM - those did not work AT ALL - because I was thinking of the jacka$$ the whole time. After everything was going to hell with xMM - I actually ended up talking with an exBf (we had been broken up for almost 5 years at that point) - he was my first love. We ended up just catching up and stuff (we kept in LC throughout those years) - but it had been a while anywhos we went for drinks to catch up, he wanted to date again - I told him I couldn't because I wasn't ready, but we hung out like friends for a while and eventually started dating again - and it had been so fantastic. I changed so much in those 5 years and now we fit better than ever - its getting really serious, I love him, he loves me. I even told him about my A experience (I told him about it about a month ago) - He just looks at me with absolute love in his eyes, and I just wanted to know for sure that he would still look at me that way even if he knew about my huge mistake, and he does. He didn't judge me, he knew I wasn't with someone when I did this - so I never cheated (to him it would be a deal breaker or at least a huge red flag (understandably) if I had cheated on someone before) - but I told him about my involvement with xMM and all that came with it, and he believes that people make mistakes, he knows me, he knew that I ended it with him(bf) 5 years ago because I wasn't happy rather than stay and cheat on him - anyways...I'm going way off topic. Main point is, Yes, FC there is so much good after the A. Maybe my story is different because I'm with my first love, (a past relationship), but just like we found each other again, you will find someone for you. Once you've really processed everything and made peace with it you will be ready to give it your all... It will be awesome!!!!
Lost00 Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 I dated after I ended the A (as a sOW). I met a few guys I really liked and had a spark with. I ended those for various reasons but mostly because they didn't have something that was necessary for me to have a LTR with them. For example, one guy...we had tons of fun, sex was great, but it just never seemed to get emotionally deeper than a fairly superficial point. After the A, I was quite certain of what I wanted and needed in an R to make it work, so my boundaries were stronger and I was willing to walk to find the R I wanted. Long story short, like TC, I ended up getting back with my first love from 17 years prior. We married last year. I'm nowhere near even contemplating dating again, but I've imagined what I bolded in your comments above will be the case for me as well. I'd suspect that my expectations will be so much higher now due to the emotional connection that I've felt being an OM. I'm curious to hear of experiences on this topic too..
East7 Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 I actually met a couple of women during and after the A, some of them weren't really interested so I didn't waste my time going after. Others were not interesting in my eyes, absolutely no emotional excitement. I think the post-A stage has an impact on expectations which become too high and sometimes unrealistic in terms of "chemistry and sparks". We naturally tempt to find a substitute to the empty space the A leaves behind. A normal relationship can not always compete with an A in terms of "high" and "thrill". The phenomena is called the "placebo effect" : which is the tendency to look for a similar person and a similar feeling after a love relationship. Another point not to neglect is the "lingering feelings". It takes time to be really emotionally free of the fMW no matter how much we think we are over. Personally I have set the rule of "no forcing things". The most beautiful relationships happen/start when you expect them the less. I try to be "open" to meeting new people but not appearing needy and desperate for a new relationship.
Lost00 Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 I think the post-A stage has an impact on expectations which become too high and sometimes unrealistic in terms of "chemistry and sparks". We naturally tempt to find a substitute to the empty space the A leaves behind. A normal relationship can not always compete with an A in terms of "high" and "thrill". The phenomena is called the "placebo effect" : which is the tendency to look for a similar person and a similar feeling after a love relationship. Often times, I see the "chemistry and sparks" of an A compared to "new love". Does these feelings from an A still trump those of the beginning of a regular relationship down the road? That's what I wonder. When I compare apples to apples and look back at my past relationships, the "chemistry and sparks" from an A far outweigh those relationships of the past.
JadedAmore Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 xOW here. The A was only six months, so even though I do still feel that it hurt just as much as any A ending would, I've had the appropriate time to heal. We went 2 months NC, and there has been casual communication since then, but I truly feel I am 100% over the R. It's now been a little more than 3 months since the A ended and I have started talking with someone new. It's very slow moving and we are taking things one step at a time, but it's a nice breath of fresh air knowing not only can I find happiness in solitude, and that I've started to feel comfortable enough with allowing someone new into my life.
eastsunshine2011 Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 I would like to share my story with u but not on this forum. If interested in listening, I could use advice. U can contact me at [email protected].
OldOnTheInside Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 ^ I wouldn't recommend that you post your email address east. I do have a female co-worker who got herself in an affair years ago. Only thing she said after she moved on and started dating again was "take things slowly", so there you go.
Author FightClub Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Eastsunshine, Who were you addressing in regards to your e-mail & story? -FC
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