fashionista Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 this guy and i have been flirting back and forth for a few months. there's no kissing but we get together sometimes and go out to dinner or concerts , hug, and give each other hot, intense stares. the intensity builds up each time we get together. we even went to his cousin's wedding together. i just have the feeling that he's not into dating me and is keeping me around as a back-up choice. the first and only time i brought up dating he said he didn't know if we should go there and mess up the friendship. that just sounded like an excuse to me. i don't want to be used for sex or anything else. how long do i wait? am i just fulfilling some need of his? i'd go out with him in a heartbeat if he asked. but how long is too long to wait? i can't go on being friends with him like this. it's too hard. should i wait a little longer, talk to him, or just distance myself from him? by the way, we're both in our 30s.
Author fashionista Posted June 15, 2011 Author Posted June 15, 2011 Bump. I was about to give up on this but wanted to hear what anyone else has to say.
nyc_guy2003 Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 Pretty sure he's not using you for sex if you've already been out with him so many times and he hasn't made a move. Sounds like a friendzoning to me.
2sunny Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 either accept him as your friend only - or end the friendship. do not allow him to occupy space in your mind that will allow you to focus time and energy on finding a man that holds you as his priority. i do have male friends as you describe, it is possible, but i have a boundary that doesn't cause them harm or me harm by being friends. i am always honest about being their friend... i don't "muddy the water" by kissing or sleeping with them.
BCCA Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 No one likes being friendzoned, but that definitely sounds like what's happening here. If you've been out with him a few times, and he's made no attempts to 'make a move', than you can safely assume he doesn't want to. Don't villanize the guy, he hasn't done anything wrong. He's been honest, and hasn't come close to using you for anything besides companionship. He just doesn't want to date you. Take it for what it is, if you don't want to hang out anymore - don't. But its not so horrible to have a friend.
stepka Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 If it's driving you crazy then end it. If he's taking up space in your mind and making you think more about him than in moving on and dating others then let it go. I'd say that he's not really into you no matter how much he gives the "hot stare" because if he were he'd be on it by now so I think your assessment was correct. If you could keep it going the way it is and only bring away positive feelings then keep going out with him but not if you're feeling bad. BTW, what is with this? I've heard this from several other women too, and it's very confusing. A good friend of mine had this going--the man was coming to her house every night and playing scrabble or chess and staying up till all hours of the night talking but only giving her a peck on the cheek as he left. One night she finally got up the courage to ask him if he has a gf and he said yes. She cried all night b/c she really wanted it to go somewhere but I also had to wonder about the gf and what she would have thought of all that.
stepka Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 No one likes being friendzoned, but that definitely sounds like what's happening here. If you've been out with him a few times, and he's made no attempts to 'make a move', than you can safely assume he doesn't want to. Don't villanize the guy, he hasn't done anything wrong. He's been honest, and hasn't come close to using you for anything besides companionship. He just doesn't want to date you. Take it for what it is, if you don't want to hang out anymore - don't. But its not so horrible to have a friend. I sort of agree but I mostly don't. Giving "intense stares" is leading someone on and makes me agree with the OP that he might be saving her for the lean times and when he gets horny he'll forget all about not ruining a lovely friendship. And when she gets upset, he'll say, "But I was honest from the beginning." Mmm hmm.
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