shocked_confused Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Numerous times I've had guys asked me, "What do you want?" (as in do you want a relationship/sex/casual dating). Usually this occurs within the first few times of seeing the guy. I'm usually not sure how to respond to the question. I feel like I'll scare the guy off if I tell him I want a relationship, but in the same breath I don't want to tell him that I just want to have fun and nothing more. I've been only been single for 6 months and I'm having a great time being single, but if I met the right person I would be open to a relationship. Usually I end up telling the guy that I'm not sure what I want/too early to tell and I just want go with the flow and see where it takes us. I think it's a wishy washy answer but I feel it's the safest. What do you guys think? What is the best answer to give a guy without scaring him off OR without making him think you just want sex? Thanks!
spiderowl Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 In my experience, I have found that guys who are just looking for sex or a one-night stand don't ask this question. They are not interested in what I want, they are just interested in what they want. Mostly, this kind of question comes from a guy who is not sure he is what you want (so he is seeking a clear idea of whether he is the kind of guy you are looking for and if he can fit the bill) or it is a guy who is liking you more and more and is wondering if you are feeling the same way. He is sort of looking for a sign that you want to see more of him and be with him only. It is difficult to know what to say if you are not sure. If you are not sure, it's best to make that clear, but it might be an idea to reassure him that you like him and are still getting to know him. If you not seeing anyone else, it's worth saying that. Guys who have been seriously interested in me have said things like "I've taken my profile down from the site, not interested in looking for anyone else at the moment" or "I'm not seeing anyone else". It seems they don't ask directly for commitment and exclusivity but just declare that they are being exclusive. I think at such times one is supposed to respond with something similar so there is mutual reassurance. I just have a hunch that if a guy's asking this he wants to know whether you see him as relationship material or are just coasting along till you meet someone you prefer.
Kamille Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I'm having a great time being single, but if I met the right person I would be open to a relationship. That ^ is exactly what I used to say. And I agree with spiderowl. Guys who are only looking for flings usually steer clear of any "where could this be heading" conversations. Guys who've asked me that question would usually answer : "I'm ready to settle down" when I asked them what they were looking for.
oaks Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Good answers so far! I'm a guy, looking for a (short or long) relationship or at least some enjoyable dates and not particularly interested in getting naked with strangers. I ask questions like this. What I'm hoping to find out is whether she's on the same wavelength. Also, and I think Spiderowl has picked up on this, part of the question is about validation... along the lines of "now that you've met me and know a little more than what my online profile said, am I the sort of person you might want to go on more dates with?", or even "am I wasting my time here?" So if the question is as vague as "what are you looking for?" you can either treat it as "what sort of relationship are you looking for?" or as "are you looking for someone like me?"
oaks Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I'm having a great time being single, but if I met the right person I would be open to a relationship. That ^ is exactly what I used to say. and I go, "So, tell me more about the right person. What's he like?"
Feelin Frisky Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 It's best to be truthful about it. If a guy is asking he really wants to know (a lot more than it probably looks) so that he can adjust to your answer. If you're not into a serious relationship with "anyone" and just want some recreation then that is definitely news he can use (he may want the serious relationship or conversely he may be in it for shi+s and too). No way should you worry about saying the wrong thing. Talking about this even gives me reflux. I once asked a girl after a really nice date the "hypothetical" question of if the wright person came along etc etc. I think maybe there was a language barrier issue with her being Latina but she totally ran with it like I had just asked her to marry me and we hardly knew each other. She went totally cold and it was over. I couldn't believe it. I know I phrased it totally innocuously. Makes me worry about asking each time but we need to know so we don't throw too much into a dead end.
LittleTiger Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 What do you guys think? What is the best answer to give a guy without scaring him off OR without making him think you just want sex? The truth! If you are looking for a relationship and you tell him that - and you scare him off - good riddance. He's not the right guy. If he's just after sex he probably won't ask the question in the first place.
vsmini Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Don't worry about scaring a guy off. If you're honest and he runs...let him! What are you going to do? tiptoe through the tulips and put your needs and wants on the backburner in hopes of making a guy you're just starting to date comfortable and THEN tell him what you want? Don't play games. I used to and it was just a huge waste of time for myself and the guy. It was right when I started being up front and open when I got the relationship I wanted. Plus - the guy is outright asking you what you want - he wants the truth so let him have it.
jstobo Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I haven't really been out there dating yet, because I'm coming out of an 11 year marriage. I have had a few coffee or drink get togethers. Are you saying this question comes up on a first date? That seems odd to me. I would guess that if I liked the person and wanted to see them again, I would ask them out again. If she says yes, there is interest. Right? Or do women actually accept second dates when they see no possibility with the guy. I know I wouldn't ask if I didn't have interest in seeing where it could go.
oaks Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Are you saying this question comes up on a first date? Sometimes, yes, although maybe I'm doing it wrong. [Caveat: I'm meeting women via online dating sites that encourage you to select an answer to a question like "what are you looking for?" as part of the profile, so perhaps it's not such a strange question in that context.]
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