CrazyMiner Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Hi all, I've just been told by my parents that they emailed my ex GF about two days ago to clear up some things. My ex asked me over the phone a few weeks ago whether my parents hated her due to the separation as they hadn't been in touch but I had spoken to her mum a few times as she was asking me some advice on some building work. I mentioned this to my folks and below is the email that they decided to send. As a bit of background, I was with my ex for 8 years and she decided she wanted to separate from me around 2 and a half months ago. Hi F (ex gf), P (me) has mentioned that you asked him if J (dad) and I hated you due to the separation as we hadn’t been in touch. To be honest, we didn’t feel ready to contact you until we had gotten our heads around what has happened, and tried to make some sense out of it, especially as P (me) is still in so much pain over losing you, which is so upsetting to see. Had the split been mutual it would be so much easier to accept. Obviously it came as a terrible shock. The two of you have just bought a house together, and that is one of the things we find hardest to understand - why if you had doubts and were unhappy in the relationship didn’t you sit down together to talk things through, either back in September or in March, instead of endorsing your commitment to the relationship by buying a house together? I know that you have said that buying the house was very much an investment but after seeing your excitement on the weekend you took us to see the show house and pointed out which was your roof, and the ‘crazy shopping’ weekend in IKEA, then asking us for family pictures back in December so that you could put some up on the walls, surely there must have been some emotional attachment to both the house and to the relationship? The two of you have already gone through so much in your eight years together – long times apart when you were living abroad, getting through Uni, coping with illnesses on both sides, starting work – and although you both still have a few tough times to go as you progress through life and establish yourselves in your careers, we find it heartbreaking that you two have separated just at the point in your lives when everything is in place for a bright future and when you would have been able to develop further as an already established couple whilst also exploring your individualities. P (me) has told us that there was a major wobble in the relationship a while ago when he was first hospitalised with Colitis and Nanny Smith passed away (and he has told us everything about his indiscretions with the girl on the internet and by email). It is a sad fact of life that there will always be peaks and troughs in every relationship, and mistakes made, but it is in a couple working through the problems and coming out the other side that makes a relationship strong enough to face anything. Sometimes it may mean both having to make some compromises in what they want in life to fit around each other, but by each doing that the prize is knowing that you are with someone who truly loves you and is committed to the relationship. P (me) feels he should be trying to win you back, but he loves you very much and has arrived at the conclusion that the only way things can remain amicable or leave the door open for a potential reconciliation between you is for him to respect your decision and let you go, even though he is hurting. You two have so many memories and after 8 years know each other back to front, and so the thought of you and P (me) not even being able to remain on friendly terms is something that pains us and of course him. F (ex gf), we have watched you grow up as part of our family and think of you as a daughter, Stephanie still sees you as very much a sister, so in answer to your query, no, of course we don’t hate you. We are just so very sad and upset that it has come to this. You told P (me) you wanted to experience new things and to find the ‘new’ F (ex gf) – we sincerely hope that do you find what you are looking for and that in the long term it does turn out to be what you actually want, and that the new F (ex gf) is the person you really want to be. At the end of the day, you two were great together, and J (dad) and I both truly hope that you can be again. Lots of Love J and S (parents) This was sent two days ago and my ex hasn't replied to them. I think she is away visiting friends so has probably read it by now but may not be in a position to reply (with friends around) or may have decided not to reply. It was sent about a week after I spoke to my ex on the phone and asked her whether she ever saw a chance for us to reconcile at some point... she had said multiple times that she hoped that after x amount of months, when the dust had settled etc, that we could potentially look at a re-run. She replied that she had hoped that could be possible when she first decided to separate but that her feelings had not changed from how she felt then and that she was unsure whether it was still a possibility (she has started dating new people etc), but also that she was unsure whether we could even be friends due to how close we had once been and her trying to move on etc. What is this likely to do to both her and our chances of a reconcilliation? I'm not entirely sure... it answers her question that indeed my parents don't hate her and that my family still have positive feelings towards her, but may also come across as a bit attacky? I don't really know, any thoughts would be appreciated.
cwmerk Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 My mom decided to leave a voicemail to my ex about getting a necklace back that a got her right before she broke up with me.... boy was i pissed. I feel where your coming from though. I was with my girlfriend for 7 years. Been a little over a month now. As for your question. I dont think it will hurt your chances. You said she asked you over the phone if your parents are mad at her. The fact that your talking to her is a good thing. You might need to explain the story on the letter but I dont think it will hurt you.
collegeguy_24 Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 WHen my mom found out what people on campus were saying about my ex, she almost called her to tell her. I literally walked in on my mom typing in her phone number and I forced to hang it up.
Ajax Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Well, how do YOU feel about it? Personally, if my parents had sent this I'd be livid. But it's about how you percieve the situation, not us. My interpretation of the situation though is this: Your ex has no right to expect your parents to stay in touch with her. They owe her nothing, and her intentions to maintain a seperate relationship with them is inappropriate. As for the email, though I would be upset if my parents had gone behind my back like that, it probably gave her something to think about, assuming she read it. She may not have. If she saw the direction it was going and felt they were judging her in any way, she might have just stopped. Who knows. But as far as the "re-run" is concerned, get that out of your head! Maybe you'll have another shot. Maybe You'll win the lottery. Maybe an asteroid will hit Earth tomorrow. It's possible, but not likely. As long as you're thinking about the possibility, you won't be able to move on with your life. It's not something you have any control over. None. Nil. Nada. Fin. You need to learn to let go, and I'm sorry to say that as long as you're considering a re-run, you haven't let go. As long as you're trying to get inside her head and figure out what she's thinking, you can't let go. If your parents are maintaining a relationship with them, you won't let go.
collegeguy_24 Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Well, how do YOU feel about it? Personally, if my parents had sent this I'd be livid. But it's about how you percieve the situation, not us. My interpretation of the situation though is this: Your ex has no right to expect your parents to stay in touch with her. They owe her nothing, and her intentions to maintain a seperate relationship with them is inappropriate. As for the email, though I would be upset if my parents had gone behind my back like that, it probably gave her something to think about, assuming she read it. She may not have. If she saw the direction it was going and felt they were judging her in any way, she might have just stopped. Who knows. But as far as the "re-run" is concerned, get that out of your head! Maybe you'll have another shot. Maybe You'll win the lottery. Maybe an asteroid will hit Earth tomorrow. It's possible, but not likely. As long as you're thinking about the possibility, you won't be able to move on with your life. It's not something you have any control over. None. Nil. Nada. Fin. You need to learn to let go, and I'm sorry to say that as long as you're considering a re-run, you haven't let go. As long as you're trying to get inside her head and figure out what she's thinking, you can't let go. If your parents are maintaining a relationship with them, you won't let go. Excellent, just excellent statement.
Exit Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Yeah... kind of a strange situation. If she ended the relationship with you, why would she expect your parents to be in touch with her. Maintaining relationships with relatives of exs is pretty much inappropriate any way you look at it. You don't love someone enough to see things through but you still want to be a part of the big happy family that you all once were? That's not fair. If she wants that, she should work on things. Every will have a different reaction to the letter that they sent. I personally, being who I am, think it sounds just fine, and may give her things to think about. I certainly hope it is made perfectly clear to her that this was done WITHOUT your knowledge, so she doesn't think you stood behind them at the keyboard and told them certain things to bring up or ask her. In fact, when your parents decided to contact her, they should have really included a line mentioning that you had no input on what they had to say. It's rough. Families grow close together through relationships. But if she wants to be done with you, all of the other stuff ends too.
Graceful Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Woah, Crazy -- that was kind of epic, you know? One thing that crossed my mind, similar to Ajax, is that you don't know if she read it word for word. She might have seen it, glanced at it, and not have wanted to deal with it. So you have to take that into consideration. It will have absolutely no bearing on your ex's future decisions whatsoever IMHO. She is a strong-willed person, we have seen that, and she's going forward with her life and following what she feels is best for her, and nothing in the email is going to change her path, or her mind. Your family was very close to your ex, and they really thought of her as your future wife, but the real reason they feel badly isn't so much losing her, as they are seeing you destroyed and hurt. The statements in the letter that referred to that sort of bothered me a bit, but your ex already knows that you didn't want the breakup, so it's not as though that's news to her. In the meantime, you really have to start letting go. Your ex has been nothing but crystal clear as to her intentions to move forward. It's all very new, and you're still in denial, but you have to acknowledge your denial and pry yourself out of it as soon as possible, feel the pain, and acknowledge that your ex isn't coming back. If you are really close with your parents, and finding out about the email doesn't bother you, then all power to you. But now it's time to tell your parents that you can deal with the breakup yourself, and to please cut all communication with your ex. If (and it's a big IF) they hear from your ex, tell them not to respond. It's to the credit of your parents and your ex that they had a meaningful relationship, and it only makes the breakup more intricate, but it's time for all parties to detach and walk away. It's painful, I know. The biggest favor you can do for yourself is to really start walking away, it's what you need to do. Take care.
Graceful Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I'd woop some a$$ if my family sent msg's to an ex. I guess everyone has their limits.
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