I messed up... and sent my ex this email

[NewMoon2203]

The whole point is that im not strong. I cant do this. Here's a quote from my blog:

 

Going Backwards

Title sums it up really… with this breakup… I’m not coping, I’m not recovering, I’m not getting over it. I’m getting worse. Instead of moving forwards, I’m going backwards. Instead of moving on…I find myself drowning in the memories of what used to be. I can’t move on, I can’t forget. I know that I need to work on myself, sort my own feelings out and get myself through this. But I simply can’t… without her.

 

Its been a week since I sent that email saying that I couldn’t cope with being friends. Already ive broken the “No Contact” rules. I PM’d her on Facebook yesterday… I just couldn’t help myself. It wasn’t anything major, no heartfelt rant like usual. Just a “hi how are you?” sort of thing… but still. That shows how weak I am. I couldn’t even manage 7 days No Contact.

 

It makes me wonder how im going to survive a few months No Contact… or even a few years. And if she really doesn’t ever reconsider, I think ill die. I’m slowly dying on the inside now, I can feel it. My entire being just craves her… knowing that I can come home and talk to someone who loves me unconditionally… I don’t have that anymore. I don’t have anyone in my life who knows me as well as she does/did.

 

And I feel so alone… It seems stupid because obviously im not alone. I have my family and my friends who have been here for me, but still inside i feel alone. More alone than ive ever felt before… like im separated from everyone else in the world, like there’s this invisible barrier between me and everyone else.

 

I don’t feel whole anymore. I feel like… nothing. I don’t even know why i still exist… there’s nothing holding me to this life, no physical emotions or feeling other than loneliness. It’s not even pain anymore, its numbness. Numbness that has me trapped in a bubble… a bubble without oxygen, because within it I feel like I can’t breathe. People look at me, or talk to me, and they think I’m taking it pretty well. But they can’t see that on the inside… I’m just an empty shell. The shell she left behind when she dissapeared…

 

Even if I were to die soon… I would have but one wish. That she’d say to me those 3 whole words, 8 letters, that would make me feel complete again…

 

So.... yeah i guess dont bother posting here and wasting your words of wisdom on me, because i just cant do it.

 

Also:

@geegirl: she cant come back in person. she lives in another country.

@Kazmi: my ex has depression... but yeah when i mentioned a disorder i meant the "Axnious Preoccupied Attachment Disorder" I was recently told that I have...

Edited June 8, 2011 by NewMoon2203

[Kazmi]

Don't tell yourself you aren't strong!

That's just creating a vicious circle of giving up on yourself.

 

Many many many people here felt they aren't strong enough to handle their breakups.

I was so weak at some point my MOTHER gave up on me and said "just hang yourself in your room and be over with it".

 

Find the strength inside of you.

Relationship isn't meant to be your entire life, it's there to enhance it, not to make everything difficult.. It's there to strengthen you, but it will not strengthen you if you have no strength on your own...

 

Believe, I was in your state. Seriously.

I thought no one was understanding me (and they still barely do, I still can't see myself with anyone but him.. he was my first relationship and the only person ever that I really connected to through my entire life)...

 

I said those words, and worse (much worse) a few months ago..

It passes, believe me, but you need to help yourself and treat yourself and take care of yourself, and that means - to do whatever you can to avoid the pain.

 

It took me a month and a half of obssessing over him till I broke up and swore to myself not to look at his Steam profile (some gaming thingy, never mind) untill the very day we'd talk again.

I didn't break, and I won't in the future as well.

 

I didn't do it earlier even though I knew I had to.. Why?

Because I was afraid of my feelings slipping away. I felt still as part of his life when I knew things like.. What he was playing..

I liked being inlove, I still am, even without holding into those things.

 

You need to understand, nothing good would happen if you don't want the best for yourself...

And the best for yourself is to heal. No matter what.

Good things will come later.

 

You need to be able to handle with yourself before being able to handle others.

 

Don't think of the future, or of the past (even though it's hard, and I do it daily, but I DO try) and just focus on smiling and going through the day.

Try not to notice how long you haven't talked, it only makes you miss more.

Focus on one day at a time, prove to yourself at the ending of every day that you are stronger than you think you are and you didn't break the silence. Don't look forwards and don't look back...

 

I still have times I can barely hold myself from crying, but it's ok - because I can smile as well at the same day afterwards.

I had moments of happiness that I didn't have for the entire 20 years of my living, I grew a lot from this experience.. And nowadays everything that may bother other people barely bothers me.

Every time I see people complaining I can only think of how it's nothing compared to what the world could really feed you.

It's a changing experience, and you can grow a very strong person out of it.

 

Good luck..

 

Be there for yourself..

[NewMoon2203]

still no reply not even a text. i decided that she's had enough chances. clearly she doesnt want to know me anymore, and thats her loss.

[RuinedLife]

still no reply not even a text. i decided that she's had enough chances. clearly she doesnt want to know me anymore, and thats her loss.

 

I know it hurts a lot, but sounds like you are starting to let go, so thats good.

 

I'm still stuck in a horrible limbo, hoping my ex will reply to my email in a positive way, but is so unlikely that I am now terrified to check my emails at all in case he's sent a negative reply to my last message or no reply.

 

Its completely ridiculous but I haven't checked my email in over a week now because I am THAT terrified to check it.

[nowherebound25]

I am going through a very similar situation. I know your pain. As impossible as it seems, NC really is the best way to go. I got dumped about 3 months ago and the night it happened I defriended him, deleted his number and eventually, all of his old texts (actually, my phone took it upon itself to get delete all his texts without my permission. Stupid phone haha). Anyways, the best way I found to cope with dealing with the temptation to contact is to do something else whenever I got the urge. I would call friends, visit websites I liked (I recommend cuteoverload.com if you're looking for something to melt your face off with cuteness ), or just bury myself in work. It got easier with time and in a way, it was kind of a relief to have the constant hope of hearing from him off my mind.

 

That being said, I did slip up recently and emailed him about getting together for coffee. I got no response. I realized I had basically handed to him on a silver platter another chance to reject me. It sucked and it really set me back. Haha so I definitely don't recommend doing that.

 

No contact is hard and you will more than likely have a slip up at some point but be patient with yourself and know that you'll get to where you need to be eventually.

 

I don't know if this advice is helpful in this situation but it's always been my favorite: Even if you don't feel brave, just pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.

[Loni]

You just gave this person a weapon. He/she now knows that they can take their time ignoring you until they are ready. Alternatively, they are rolling their eyes because they are done.

 

Don't contact him/her again.