I messed up... and sent my ex this email

[NewMoon2203]

I sent it because i was sick of being her friend one minute, and a nobody the next.... but im worried it will make things worse?

 

Dear Sho,

 

This is it.... Ive deleted your phone number from my cell, unfriended you on facebook, and deleted you on msn. Not knowing how msn works, i think you can still contact me on it. Same with Facebook, you can still PM me. If you want to contact me, be my guest. But i wont be the one contacting you first anymore.

 

I want you to know that im not doing this to hurt you... i would never wish you to be hurt in the way that youve hurt me. I'm doing this to try and help myself heal. I cant go on like this, because i dont know where i stand anymore.

 

You say that what you feel for me now is of deep friendship..... but i dont even feel like youre treating me as a friend. Youre treating me like.... i dont know, like something you'd rather avoid....And yet you still wonder if im okay, and even warn me against viruses?! I dont get it Sho, i really dont. Youre messing with my head, and like i said, i dont know where i stand.

 

But i will let you know where YOU stand:

I still love you, i havent ever stopped loving you, and i wont. not even if it would make this so much easier... And despite this email, and despite what you may think now, i still care deeply about you. Youre my dearest friend, my idol, my inspiration, my life and youre still the one who holds whats left of my heart- even though youve rejected it.

 

But youve done something you cant take back.... youve broken me.

I'm so afraid of being alone.... becoming the mad old lady over the road who never had anyone to love her. And right now? I pretend and lie to myself that i can handle this. But I cant, and thats whats killing me.

 

There's a saying i heard: "You don't die of a broken heart. You just wish you did." and its never been more true. The only reason I havent done something stupid, or killed myself, is because I dont want to break everyone around me's heart, like you broke mine. I know that although killing myself would surely be a fix from this pain.... but it would hurt those who still care about me. And knowing now what it feels like to have your heart rippied out by the one person you trusted with your entire being.... i wont do that to them.

 

It's laughable really. Everyone tells me that the pain will get better, that time heals wounds. But time cant heal the wounds if I constantly rip them open again and again... because im afraid to forget you. And thats what they dont get. The pain wont get better, because i wont let it. And it's your fault.

 

Im sorry, that probably hurts you... or possibly even makes you feel guilty. But someone had to let you know what youve done. I wasnt going too. I was going to bite my tongue, and lie and pretend, so that it wouldnt hurt you.... But you hurt me more than you can posibly begin to imagine- so i think this is nothing in comparison.

 

I hope you read through the other emails and PMs, otherwise this next part is going to be very confusing:

 

You dumped me because i smothered you, i suffocated you, and i clung to you. It pushed you away, to the point that your feelings changed. Now that Ive been diagnosed, we realise now that I cant help it. I cant help being that way, its a disorder.

 

But, and this may seem very low, but its truthful. You dumping me because of this disorder i have... It's just the same as if i dumped you because of your depression or something. Harsh, i know. but true. You cant help your depression, anymore than I can help this disorder.

 

Im seeing the therapist, im having sessions and counselling to try and cope with it better, deal with it better so that i dont cling so much. But its not something that can just be 'cured'. theres no pills or something for it. I just have to work it out.

 

Maybe if you realise that.... you'll take me back. Maybe you'll remain the stubborn person youve always been, and not see it that way.

I dont know, Its up to you. All i know is, im trying. I know i have a problem, and im getting the help i need.

 

Youre confused and conflicted, and you still feel suffocated by me. So more than anything right now, you need some time. You need time to figure out how you really feel, and what you really want. But i cant wait with you anymore...

 

Ive got to say goodbye... at least on my part. If you refuse to even consider giving us another chance, then im sorry but I cant stick around.

 

Youre really hurting me, when i didnt do anything. If i had cheated on you, then i would understand why you wont reconsider, but obviously i didnt. And i wont... ever. I wont ever love anybody else. I wont let myself, because i still love you and i dont want to cheat on you, or get hurt again. So.... im always yours, if you ever decide that you want me again. If i ever start to matter... or if ever start to miss me... let me know.

 

If you want to contact me, then please do. But from now on, youve got to make the first steps. Im giving you the space to figure it out.

Dont forget about me. Love you forever,

Hana.

Edited May 31, 2011 by NewMoon2203
spelling

[smudge21]

What's done is done, don't go regretting sending that as at the time, that's what you wanted to do. You've cleared the air. You've let your heart out and been totally honest with your ex and yourself.

 

I could pick up on a few things in there but for now I'll just highlight one line that I think applies to many people, myself included.

 

"because im afraid to forget you"

 

Yep, I'm there right now. I need to forget my ex but I am afraid to. I know at some point I'll be over her and she'll mean nothing to me, and I won't mind. I'll be in a better place and won't care anymore. And the thought of that really scares me...

 

Sadly moving on is often all we have, and as hard as it is to accept, it's what we must all do, you included. You will get past this and you will love again, but until that day comes, just do whatever you can to make yourself feel better. Accept the pain and allow your emotions out.

 

Things always get better...

[NewMoon2203]

that was a fast reply....

 

Thankyou Smudge... i really hope things get better too

[Popondetta]

Hi!

Just wanted to say: Stick to NC from now on!

I promise you that will make it easier for you!

I think we all go throught the stages where we want to just tell them EVERYTHING that's in our hearts. You did it in an email, and that's fine, but it won't bring her back for right now.

 

I was a complete mess for about 2 months + (had to see the doctor to cope), but I stuck with NC most of the time (except a friendly email with no mention of any feelings). A couple of days after I finally felt better 3 months post breakup I bumped into my ex and then he sent me an email wanting to meet me. We've met once and he wants to meet again. Not sure where this is taking me at all. He might just want to be friends or FWB..I don't know yet.

But what i DO know is this: If I kept contacting him after the breakup this would have never happened. He would slowly loose interest and respect for me. I'm not saying that NC makes them come back, but at least it makes them curious and it makes US/the dumpees ALOT STRONGER! It gives us the power back slowly.

 

Stay strong and stay NC for yourself and to get the power back!

[Nohbody]

I broke NC today, too. It's cool - just take it a day at a time and know that at the very least your feelings are crystal clear to your ex. Try not to do it again, and I will try likewise

[gerib38]

I have not contacted my ex in 2 weeks then while messing with my cell phone trying to delete one of his messages i hit the green key.. and it dialed his number...UGH!!!! so i quickly saidin a text ... shoot... didntmean to do that ... sorry... it was truly an accident and dangit... i dont wnt him to think it was on purpose... its been hard not telling him i miss him and want him ...but i have fought it .. now damnit... he prob thinkks it was on purpose:o

[NewMoon2203]

Stay strong and stay NC for yourself and to get the power back!

 

You misunderstand my situation. We never even had NC. we've been broken up for a month, but in that time we've been "friends". She didnt want me to leave her entirely, because she still cared for me as a friend, and we were friends long before we got together... and so we agreed not to go NC.... this email was basically me telling her that i needed NC from now on. I cant handle being friends... maybe she can, but i cant. So actually, this email was the start of NC for me. thats it.

Edited June 1, 2011 by NewMoon2203

[Popondetta]

You misunderstand my situation. We never even had NC. we've been broken up for a month, but in that time we've been "friends". She didnt want me to leave her entirely, because she still cared for me as a friend, and we were friends long before we got together... and so we agreed not to go NC.... this email was basically me telling her that i needed NC from now on. I cant handle being friends... maybe she can, but i cant. So actually, this email was the start of NC for me. thats it.

 

Okey, but that's just very good that you are going NC from now on!

It will get easier along the way. I promise you that! I'm still not over my ex, but feeling stronger then I was.

[NewMoon2203]

Thankyou i hope things start to get easier from here on out...

[Karala]

I think it's great that you've decided to go NC and I'm wishing you the best of luck.

 

If you allow me, I just picked up on a few things :

But youve done something you cant take back.... youve broken me.

 

No she didn't!! Nobody can break anybody else without their permission, at least that's what I believe with all my heart :] And you're still kicking, you're in pain but you're writing on this board, making the effort to come clear to her (by writing this e-mail), making good decisions for yourself by going into NC...

 

Everyone tells me that the pain will get better, that time heals wounds. But time cant heal the wounds if I constantly rip them open again and again... because im afraid to forget you. And thats what they dont get. The pain wont get better, because i wont let it. And it's your fault.

 

I know exactly how you feel, understand and I am with you completely, except on this last sentence. No one else but ourselves forces us to rip our own wounds open again. I think at one point we have to take responsability for ourselves, for no other reason than that's what will help us feel better. I know it feels unfair when it feels like it's their fault. I really understand that and I hope that I'm not sounding patronizing or anything.

Maybe if you realise that.... you'll take me back. Maybe you'll remain the stubborn person youve always been, and not see it that way.

 

It seems to me that when we get dumped, we always want to make the other person see and understand that their decision is unreasonable and it makes sense to us to try and change their mind through reasoning and logic, but it just never works, because their decision is based on something thet feel deep in their heart, not on logic! (this at least is something I learnt from those stupid "get your ex back" books...) Even when they make their decision based on rational reasons, I think they do it, not because they think it's what they have to do, but because they feel it's what they have to do.

 

I wont ever love anybody else.

 

I won't tell you what everybody else will tell you, oh yeah, sure, you will love again. The only thing I'll tell you is : don't even bother trying to figure out how you'll feel later on, I know you don't want to let go of your love for her, and I don't think you should try and force yourself to. I'm not even telling you "you don't know what will happen and how you'll feel later on". Just suggesting that you take it one day at a time and focus on what you're feeling now, rather than projecting yourself too much into the future.

 

So.... im always yours, if you ever decide that you want me again. If i ever start to matter... or if ever start to miss me... let me know.

 

If you want to contact me, then please do. But from now on, youve got to make the first steps.

 

I wanted to tell my ex exactly that, but I bit my tongue. We seem to always think we have to explain to them that they're free to come back to us if they ever feel like it, we're so scared that we'll miss our chance, but in truth, I think if they ever really want us back, they'll find a way, and if they don't want to, they just won't.

 

 

I really hope none if this feels condescending or anything to you, I just feel like I understand a lot of what you've written about and maybe I'm just a tiny bit farther ahead on the path to acceptance and want to make you see that things aren't as bleak as they seem now. And if I just seem to be rambling and not making any sense to you, lol, nevemind, I'm just sincerely wishing you to feel better as soon as possible.

[radiodarcy]

i don't think you messed up at all. i thought the e-mail you sent was great! you stood up for your feelings and let your ex know exactly why you were going NC. if anything, she should respect you for that.

 

i tried to be friends with my ex as well. and when i realized that it was hurting me to be friends with someone i loved, i sent him a message similar to what you sent. i actually think sending that e-mail has helped me stay NC for these last three months; because i got to tell him exactly how i felt and why i couldn't handle being in contact with him as friends. the friendzone really is a horrible place to be - -i stayed in it for two and a half years and found it to be an incredibly painful experience that drained me of just about every ounce of dignity and self-respect i had. but i am starting to get it back and have healed considerably. i'm glad that you are working on doing the same

[NewMoon2203]

Thankyou, both of you

 

Karala: that was a really long message, and i agree with a lot of what you said. I agree it seems you are much further along the path of acceptance than i am... thankyou for you thoughts and advice.

 

radiodarcy: Thankyou, im glad you dont think i messed up. im just wondering if i can really stick to this decision...

[dangerstranger]

Now that you have said what you said, go NC. No more messages declaring your love or saying how broken you are. Don't give him that kind of power over you. Going NC will take your power back and that's what you need to do to start healing.

[NewMoon2203]

Now that you have said what you said, go NC. No more messages declaring your love or saying how broken you are. Don't give him that kind of power over you. Going NC will take your power back and that's what you need to do to start healing.

 

*her lol

 

and i intend to go NC now, that was sort of the point of the email. Im just not sure if im strong enough to stick to it

[Karala]

Karala: that was a really long message

 

lol, yeah, I don't know, I just got this surge of inspiration...

 

and i intend to go NC now, that was sort of the point of the email. Im just not sure if im strong enough to stick to it

 

I feel the same, except I know I will stick to it but I don't know how I will manage not having him in my life without going insane. I'm just trying to remember that me not being in his life anymore (as his partner) is what he wants, that there's no changing that and I would have had to face it sooner or later.

[NewMoon2203]

I find myself just sat staring at my inbox... waiting to see if she'll reply

[geegirl]

I find myself just sat staring at my inbox... waiting to see if she'll reply

 

That's why NC is always best. If you're going to send an email when you are emotional, you have to be without a doubt, 300% certain that you have ZERO expectations of receiving anything back even when your junkie mind keeps you telling that all you want is to say your piece and nothing more.

[NewMoon2203]

That's why NC is always best. If you're going to send an email when you are emotional, you have to be without a doubt, 300% certain that you have ZERO expectations of receiving anything back even when your junkie mind keeps you telling that all you want is to say your piece and nothing more.

 

well my NC hasnt even really started yet... and already im finding it impossible

[geegirl]

well my NC hasnt even really started yet... and already im finding it impossible

 

Didn't you say that your letter was the beginning of NC for you?

 

But then again, you're in a pickle by sending an open ended email in a way inviting a response. So now you are in limbo. Are you NC or waiting for her response to determine on whether you should NC?

 

Starting NC would have been sending an email that just said I am on NC and take care or something short and sweet and shut the door.

[NewMoon2203]

it is the start of NC for me, because ive told her that i just cant be her friend anymore. But... the problem is that i find myself hoping for some sort of reply, just so i know that she's even read it

[Graceful]

NewMoon,

 

You can't have it both ways. You can't tell someone not to contact you unless they meet a certain criteria, and then sit by the computer, hoping to get a response ... when that person knows nothing has changed.

 

Additionally, you haven't accepted what you ex has done, to break up with you, simply because it's not the life or the relationship she wants. If you have a disorder, that has nothing to do with it. Just because you would have stayed with her even despite her diagnose of depression, doesn't mean that she should automatically feel the same way about staying with you (or anyone for that matter) if that person displays behavior that does not work or create the dynamic that is right for her in a relationship.

 

She broke up with you because the relationship doesn't work for her. It's not what she wants. If you are addressing some of your weaknesses and working on a disorder you have, that's fantastic right there, and you need to continue to work on that. But it can't and won't change how your ex feels.

 

What does this mean? Is she selfish? Is she shallow? Is she just putting up the boundary for what she wants in a partner or a relationship? No matter what, that's her prerogative, but it's not about judging her for her decision. It might be about the fact she disappointed you, or (obviously) she has destroyed you, but she has the right to put up the boundary as to what's acceptable for her in a relationship, and regardless of why you are clingy, that's irrelevant. Just because you "cant help it" doesn't mean she doesn't feel bad about it, but it doesn't mean that she's being unfair to follow what's right for her.

 

She did what she had to do, and sadly, that has come at a very high price to you and caused you immeasurable heartache. But there's a part of me that is going to tell you that it makes no sense to be desirous of and unequivocal toward your ex by telling her that you're still there if she wants to come around and that you feel that your love for her is still alive. If she has practically made you feel you want to die, well um, do you seriously want to be in a relationship with someone who has caused you that amount of pain? Makes no sense to me, and I think you need to seriously assess what you are willing to settle for, because to me, that's settling in the worst possible way.

 

She hurt you, she broke up with you, she's gone. Now work on letting her go, and not holding out false hope. The sooner you see that her heart is in a much different place than yours, the sooner you will be able to focus on improving yourself and understanding what type of person you need in the future. Cheating, lying, fighting ... they're clear deal breakers, but they are not the only reasons people break up with each other, not by a long shot.

 

Stand up for yourself, and follow through with what you have said in your letter. Maintain NC, regain your sense of self, and understand that your efforts to move on, coupled with patience and time, are going to help you heal. I don't mean to hurt you, but if you're going to stop being clingy, then the first step is not to expect to hear from your ex, isn't it? Start that new outlook today. Take care.

[geegirl]

it is the start of NC for me, because ive told her that i just cant be her friend anymore. But... the problem is that i find myself hoping for some sort of reply, just so i know that she's even read it

 

Let's just say she read your letter. Her silence should be looked at as:

 

1) You've stated that you cannot be friends or have contact unless her position has changed/changes - Her position hasn't changed.

 

2) You've stated that you need to go on NC and that you're hurting too much - She doesn't want to hurt you and is giving you what you asked for.

 

And even if she replied, any response she gives you will be nothing that you hope for. But even so, I understand any type of response will be some type of validation and comfort to you, especially when you're hurting in that she's thinking of you, cares about you, etc. I totally understand where you are coming from. You want just something, anything.

 

And in a way you, a part of you probably sent that heartfelt letter in hopes of trying to sway her feelings. You wanted to put yourself out there one more time, to give her one more chance to turn your way. Give her one more look at what she's going to be missing out on. But her non-response is your answer.

 

There is nothing else for you to say to her. No more letters, emails or texts. That letter was your closure for YOU. You move on now and keep NC. You made the choice for yourself that friends with her is too difficult and you must abide by what you know is right for you. She could come back with a response today giving you nothing under your terms and you'd still have to NC because it would continue to hurt being friends with her. So response or not, the big picture is that you cannot be in contact with her.

 

Stay NC. Post here when you feel weak. Try to begin your healing process. It's going to go up and down. It's hard. But stay focused and keep reminding yourself why you are doing this. Start working on yourself.

[NewMoon2203]

1) You've stated that you cannot be friends or have contact unless her position has changed/changes - Her position hasn't changed.

 

2) You've stated that you need to go on NC and that you're hurting too much - She doesn't want to hurt you and is giving you what you asked for.

 

1) I said she was free to contact me whenever she wanted, just that i wouldnt be the first one anymore. not that she couldnt contact me unless she changed her mind

 

2) possibly the case sine she kept going on about how much she still cares about me whilst we were still "friends". maybe. who knows.

 

Its been a week, not even that. And already i kinda had to break NC >_> my nan was in hostpital and she requested that i let my ex know that she's getting better =.= why i dont kno, but who am i to deny a sick old lady's request? so i just sent a short and to the point email about nans health. didnt even mention myself.

[geegirl]

1) I said she was free to contact me whenever she wanted, just that i wouldnt be the first one anymore. not that she couldnt contact me unless she changed her mind

 

2) possibly the case sine she kept going on about how much she still cares about me whilst we were still "friends". maybe. who knows.

 

Its been a week, not even that. And already i kinda had to break NC >_> my nan was in hostpital and she requested that i let my ex know that she's getting better =.= why i dont kno, but who am i to deny a sick old lady's request? so i just sent a short and to the point email about nans health. didnt even mention myself.

 

Friends don't have stipulations as to frequency of contact and keeping score. I have friends that I don't speak to for months and when they make contact, I am happy to hear from them. I don't put rules on who does what. Clearly, you can't be friends. I was speaking about you stating to her that you will always be there if she ever decides to come back. She has not come back, in person or through any other means of communication.

 

I think if you explained to your nan about your situation, she would have understood that you are trying to resist contact to heal. Your nan is wise beyond her years. She would have put your best interest at heart first. In a way, you're hoping that it would provoke a response, any response. Maybe this can open a little door. Silence can drive people nuts, especially when you are emotional and hoping. I know how you feel. Try to stay strict NC.

[Kazmi]

I broke NC with my ex two weeks ago (after a month and a half of silence).. With a mail... I sent that mail after consulting my closest and my therapist (however, unlike you, I wrote the mail out of calmness and I worked on it with my therapist)

I knew that if I wouldn't say things then I wouldn't be able to move along, and won't forgive myself for "missing that chance". Even my therapist agreed.

 

At first I was silent, I didn't even look daily at the inbox, I made myself clear that I'm not expecting much (I expected "NO", to be honest)..

 

5 days after I sent that mail I met a mutual acquaintance... We talked a while and I DIDN'T EVEN ASK ABOUT MY EX and I found out he was dating his ex (the one before me), and that it started 2 weeks after me.

You have NO idea how impatient that made me.

I had all the patience in the world for his answer and in minutes I went MAD.

 

I felt like he owes me an answer, and that he needs to pick himself up and be honest with me. I felt his cowardice.

 

I held myself two weeks and at the end, again - consulting others, I sent an sms, and broke the silence. I don't regret it, since I feel better.

However, breaking the silence made me miss him (he was in distress, made me worry and pity him), I saw however that he could barely handle himself, and surely he can't handle me (guilt eats)...

When I asked him if he got my mail he answered "Yes, but I rather disappear" and after a while he smsed me once more "I'm not worth it when will u understand?"

 

I didn't think I'd get that answer out of him, to be honest, I thought he may even ignore my sms completely and become a douchebag at every possible way (to be honest, part of me was hoping that he wouldn't answer, so I'd get mad at him)

Those things bring so much trouble.

I just made him feel REALLY BAD about himself, and it wasn't my purpose.

 

And if you'd think for a while, it's not what you want for your ex as well, yeah you may be pissed, and it HURTS LIKE HELL, and you can't stop feeling phsyical heartache and you want them to feel it too, but you really want them to silently understand something else. Pain won't bring it to them.

My ex just felt horrible after the mail. Now he needs to deal with what he ran from those months.

 

You said something about disorder, right?

I was suffering from severe depression. He dumped me because of that eventually, he wasn't a man enough to handle my crying and he kept blaming himself for my state. He hated himself for not being able to help me... And at the end, he was selfish and ran away since it was too much for him..

 

At least I said what I said, and feel a bit more free

So don't regret the mail, and at the same time don't expect anything.

You said what you have to say. At the end it will make you feel better.

NEVER REGRET.

And never blame yourself.

 

An be strong, cut all ties.

Edited June 8, 2011 by Kazmi