reticulated Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I have been seeing a guy for a couple of months now. Things have gotten physical and we occasionally spend the night at each other's houses. I feel great when we're together, but when we're apart, we've had some interactions that, to me, seem not-quite-right. I live a little over an hour from him and tend to visit his house more than he visits mine (we don't live in areas that the other would normally visit en route to work, etc). I'm ok with this because I actually prefer to hang out at his house. However, I feel like I'm putting in more effort (in terms of driving and initiating) than he is. He also gives very few compliments or expressions of expectations or feelings. I have no idea what he likes or doesn't like about me. I think this is a first because guys I've dated have always been explicit with compliments and, for the most part, feelings. This guy calls pretty much every day and we've spent a lot of time on the phone. And for the last month or so, we've seen each other 2-3 times a week. Neither I nor he is seeing anyone else, but we have not discussed our status. Again, I'm fine with this because labeling is meaningless anyway... it is what it is. Like I said, everything is good, but occasionally I just feel like my needs are not being met. When asked how he felt about me, he said, "Well, you should know based on my actions..." This is true, but sometimes it's nice to know I'm not misreading his actions. I don't want to hear that he loves me, but I'd at least like to know how casual, or not, this is. He did say that he wouldn't hang out with someone if he saw no future with them. A couple of times I have had a reason (other than him) to be near his house and one time he said he was doing something and couldn't have dinner and another time he didn't invite me even though he knew I was nearby... these are, to me, kinda insulting given the amount of time we've spent together. I'd figure by this point he'd want to see me whenever the chance arose, since we don't live near each other. Is this weird of me to read that as a bit insulting? Anyway, I know it's early to worry about this stuff, but I don't want to spend a lot of time committed to someone who is not where I am emotionally. I also have this nagging sense of being unfulfilled/needing affirmation when we are apart that I do not have when we are together. When we are together, I'm content/comfortable/secure. When we're not (and I do something like the above... offering to stop by and he declines), I have doubts. I'm not sure if I should read these doubts as intuitive insight and bail or if I should read them as my own insecurities and not react. Thoughts appreciated... I'm just not sure about this.
Celestine Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Oh I think I know very well just how you feel. This nagging voice in your head that keeps telling you something is off and then you try to figure out if there really is something going on or if it's just your own insecurities fooling you. I'm not sure what I would do in your place. I'd say talk to him about how you feel but that takes a lot of courage.
honeybeez Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 This is exactly the situation I've been in with my partner for nearly 2 yrs. By my going with my instincts we've stayed together pretty happily, though he confuses me sometimes. Somewhere else on LS is a link to a quiz based on the book 'Attached' which describes the three different types of attachment there are - avoidant, secure and anxious. I don't usually go in for self help books but this really made loads of sense to me. Sounds like your guy is an avoidant like mine and that you might me anxious like me. I'll try and find the link
honeybeez Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=quiz-relationship-science-attachment-quiz Hope it helps, it helped me
Author reticulated Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 haha thanks for that link. apparently I have an anxious attachment style,. you know, though, I have always been able to pinpoint why something seemed 'wrong'. With this guy, I just can't. You know he called me a little while ago and someone beeped in and he said, 'can i call you right back?' and i said sure. 30 minutes went by and he called and told me he'd 'forgotten' he was going to call me back. I mean - stuff like that - just makes me scratch my head and think (rationally, imo) WTF! I don't recall feeling so uncertain previously. It could be related to my past relationship, in which there was something constantly wrong. But I really do feel like something is amiss. He wants to hang out all the time, but when I ask, he's not up for it. He claims he 'forgot' he was going to call me. To me, indications that I'm only important when he feels like it... it's not a consistent feeling for him that I'm significant. That's all I can read from him... yet when I'm important, geez, I'm really important. Gets on my nerves. I can't take it. I told him it's just too casual for me.
heartshaped Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I told him it's just too casual for me. I think that's what it boils down to. The two of you aren't looking for the same sort of thing at all.
Flgirl44 Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 In my experience that behavior doesn't change as time goes on, it only gets worse. It gets old really quickly too. He might see nothing wrong with it, and there isn't, but he just either isn't as into you as you are him, or he is just a mismatch as far as compassion and thoughtfulness goes. Only you can decide if it is a deal-breaker or workable though. Best way to gauge it would be to talk to him about it. Example- "I felt it was a little insensitive to go to dinner when I was on your side of town and not invite me" He could say " Sorry it was a boys night thing" or the alternate " Stop guilt tripping me, god you're so needy" , or some other variation of a defensive response. That could give you a good indicator of where his head's at.
honeybeez Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 In my experience that behavior doesn't change as time goes on, it only gets worse. It gets old really quickly too. He might see nothing wrong with it, and there isn't, but he just either isn't as into you as you are him, or he is just a mismatch as far as compassion and thoughtfulness goes. Only you can decide if it is a deal-breaker or workable though. Best way to gauge it would be to talk to him about it. Example- "I felt it was a little insensitive to go to dinner when I was on your side of town and not invite me" He could say " Sorry it was a boys night thing" or the alternate " Stop guilt tripping me, god you're so needy" , or some other variation of a defensive response. That could give you a good indicator of where his head's at. Yes - this sounds SO like my partner I wonder how we ever got off the ground? Except that because he was totally not my usual type he had to chase me for 3 months to go out with me. He was a bit of an experiment with my friend and me to see if guys are more interested if you sit back and make them do the work! I never phoned him, only saw him if he instigated it, never questioned what he was doing and only told him my plans if he asked what I was doing. And he pulled out all the stops to get me! And did lol! Whether a relationship with someone like this is worth the brain strain I'm still trying to work out, but I'm still there! True anxious type lol, always thinking about how to make it work!
elastica Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 (edited) I have been in exactly the same situation with my ex. Just to share a few things: He would be very happy to see me and said he wanted to spend "more quality time" with me, but then whenever I suggested we see each other more often, he just cancelled for whatever reason. We also lived 1 hour from each other, and he expected me to go there all the time. He would also call me often, and after about a minute say "call you right back" ... never happened. Sometimes he would send me a text message an hour later. You know what was the worst thing? I tried to spoil him with little presents, as I used to travel a lot due to my work, I bought him little things from different places that I knew he liked... He never ever returned it in any way. It did not bother me, honestly, but at the same time I did think about it. The main reason was that he was earning in one month more than what I was getting in one year... I knew this for a fact. But like I said, it didn't really matter, as I thought this is his personality, probably he just doesn't want to spend money on "stupid" things and I tried to respect him for that. Also, he did not compliment me, not a single time in 1 year. You know when everybody notices that you changed your hair color, except him? Oh and he used a lot more beauty products than I did, so it is not like he had no idea. Anyway, what I am trying to say that if a man wants to be with you they will show you/tell you someway, and will want to spend time with you! Some guys are lazy and used to being single etc, so they will not make that much effort to meet you.... It is up to you do decide if you are comfortable with this, or want something more. Let me just finally add that when I did have the talk about this with him (after 12 months of being together), he said he was never really serious about me and had no serious intentions with me. Thats the sad truth. I would say think about it this way. Maybe it is his personality, and this is the maximum love and affection he can show, as he is crazy in love with you, and you are the love of his life. Could you be in a relationship like this for the rest of your life? Or would you be trying to change him? Edited June 1, 2011 by elastica
robdrm32 Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 This is where those "meaningless" labels come into play. He may not be seeing someone else right now but if he starts to what can you really say to him? Without the label there are no expectations. As far as he is concerned you are just a girl he is seeing. If someone asks about him how do you describe him? As a guy you are seeing? so when you talk about needs it doesn't quite make sense because you haven't implied there is any spoken commitment in your post. I'm not saying you are wrong or he is right because in my eyes he should be treating it as a relationship anyways, but without the label and spoken commitment he probably feels no responsibility to put in effort to meet your needs when he doesn't feel like it. And at this point don't compare this situation to your past relationships. He isn't your boyfriend. So when you say you are committed to him you are going on the assumption that he is to you. Don't assume, ASK. If you want him to treat it like a relationship in every aspect, then tell him we need to make it official. If he can't do that then walk away. It seems like your expecting him to treat you like his girlfriend, when at this point you are just seeing eachother. Granted it is physical and there is sort of an implied exclusivity, but i've been in that situation before and it didn't end well because of that. Talk to him. Good luck
honeybeez Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 (edited) OMG Elastica! I AM going out with your ex boyfriend!!!! We also lived 1 hour from each other, and he expected me to go there all the time.... I live closer to my partner (he did actually introduce me as that after 15 months - I nearly fell off my chair!) but I always go to his house and I stay over 3 or 4 times a week. He's had one lunch at mine and coffee about 4 times in nearly 2 years. He says him and his old dog are set in their ways! This suited me very well at the start as I didn't want a guy invading my space but I did want him to WANT to stay at mine - I know, it makes no sense lol I tried to spoil him with little presents... He never ever returned it in any way. He liked the first little gifts I gave him, chocs when he was ill and a tie, but he never gave any back (he's VERY tight with money!) So I was amazed by the lovely gifts he gave me on our first Xmas together. With this in mind next Xmas I bought him lots of small gifts as well as the main present he'd asked for but he seemed freaked out that I'd given him more than he gave me and I didn't even get a thank you! But he expected loads of praise and thanks for what he'd given me. I decided then not to buy him little gifts any more, but recently I couldn't resist a shirt I knew he'd wanted which was now reduced in a sale. I thought he'd be thrilled but didn't seem to even like it. All he seemed concerned with was that I'd paid a quarter of what he'd paid for one he'd bought! I told him I'd take it back as he didn't seem to like it and then he assured me he did and wore it next time we went out. Never a thank you tho Also, he did not compliment me, not a single time in 1 year. You know when everybody notices that you changed your hair color, except him? YEP, sure do!!!! Tho I know the reason behind this it's a MAJOR issue for me! Specially cos he's pretty vain about his own appearance when he's playing (he's a musician). I find this hard cos he tells other people if he thinks they look good. He's pretty quick to say if he thinks something DOESN'T suit me tho. The only time I asked him if a dress looked ok he said it's what I think that matters. I told him once I was going to get my hair done and he said ah yes the colour needs doing, but made no comment at all when it was done. He often asks my opinion on what he should wear and wants me to reassure him that I don't think he's getting too fat etc but I've become as evasive as him now. But am turning the tables on him lol - I've always tried to look as good as I can and wear things I think he likes, but never had a compliment from him! He's pretty scruffy in his everyday life and the other day I had to borrow a spare sweatshirt of his (it's truly hideous-even he won't wear it!) and I had an idea. I know he doesn't like joggers and trainers so I don't wear them any more, and I thought OK, lets see you ignore this one! So for my last three visits I've changed into his old sweatshirt and my jogging bottoms and trainers to go to his house! When he says something I'm gonna say something like "yes, I'd forgotten how comfortable they are and it's so nice that you aren't bothered with what I wear" lmao! When I turned up today I saw him look twice and he asked me if that was chocolate down my top!!!! I'm almost crying with laughter as I'm typing this!!!!!! I'll dress up smart when I go out, same as he does. Then he'll realise it's not a good feeling when your partner only makes an effort for other people, not for you Let me just finally add that when I did have the talk about this with him (after 12 months of being together), he said he was never really serious about me and had no serious intentions with me. Thats the sad truth. I would say think about it this way. Maybe it is his personality, and this is the maximum love and affection he can show, as he is crazy in love with you, and you are the love of his life. Could you be in a relationship like this for the rest of your life? Or would you be trying to change him? My advice (for what it's worth!) to anyone finding themselves getting involved with somebody with commitment issues is to be prepared for some confusing behaviour and to never quite get your emotional needs met. They draw back as you get closer, chase when you back off and all the things you like to hear are the things which freak them out! Talking things over isn't an option with my partner as he goes hard on the attack in response to any implied criticism, but it's certainly not a boring relationship lol I'm still there because I'm older, my children are grown and I'm not looking to live with a man or marry again - and despite it all he's a lovely guy! Sorry - long post - but something very close to my heart at the moment Edited June 1, 2011 by honeybeez
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