silktricks Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 While browsing the Internet this weekend, I came across the following quotation: In the end we only regret chances we didn’t take, the relationships we were scared to have and the decisions we waited too long to make. There comes a time in your life when you realize who matters, who doesn't, who never did and who always will. This doesn't fit for me, as the only real regrets I have in life are certainly not about chances not taken, but rather about chances I took and in the process hurt someone dear to me. The second sentence, I think holds merit, there does come a time when you do realize who doesn't matter (and never did) and who does matter (and probably always will). But the second sentence and the first are for me in complete opposition to each other. When I read this I thought to myself "an OW or OM whose MP didn't leave the marriage wrote this" then I realized that I was making assumptions that possibly have no validity, which is why I am posting this here. So.... how does this resonate? Please, I'm not attempting to start a flame war. I'm really interested in how different people view the quotation.
bentnotbroken Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I do regret letting fear rule my life for so many years. I let life pass me by and I can never get those times back. I am doing my damndest to enjoy every ounce of it now:D
Ms. Red Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 While browsing the Internet this weekend, I came across the following quotation: In the end we only regret chances we didn’t take, the relationships we were scared to have and the decisions we waited too long to make. There comes a time in your life when you realize who matters, who doesn't, who never did and who always will. This doesn't fit for me, as the only real regrets I have in life are certainly not about chances not taken, but rather about chances I took and in the process hurt someone dear to me. The second sentence, I think holds merit, there does come a time when you do realize who doesn't matter (and never did) and who does matter (and probably always will). But the second sentence and the first are for me in complete opposition to each other. When I read this I thought to myself "an OW or OM whose MP didn't leave the marriage wrote this" then I realized that I was making assumptions that possibly have no validity, which is why I am posting this here. So.... how does this resonate? Please, I'm not attempting to start a flame war. I'm really interested in how different people view the quotation. Or, a married person who didn't leave their spouse for their affair partner and looking back they regret it. But I do think it was written from someone that was in an affair at some point.
Author silktricks Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 Or, a married person who didn't leave their spouse for their affair partner and looking back they regret it. But I do think it was written from someone that was in an affair at some point. Yeah, it has that flavor to me. To be honest, I didn't even think of it being a married person who didn't leave . Shows just how opinionated I can be...
Silly_Girl Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Yeah, it has that flavor to me. To be honest, I didn't even think of it being a married person who didn't leave . Shows just how opinionated I can be... That was my first instinct too. Along with multi-cultural relationships.
OldOnTheInside Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 IMO it is a waste of time to endlessly worry about "what could have been". That is the exact mindset that prevents people from moving on from their affairs. Stuck in the past while life passes them by. And I can't really speculate as to what position in the affair triangle/square this person is. Does it really make a diference in the end?
Silly_Girl Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 IMO it is a waste of time to endlessly worry about "what could have been". That's the point isn't it? Those that take opportunities never have to wonder 'what might have been'. Because they've been there done that.
BB07 Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 In the end we only regret chances we didn’t take, the relationships we were scared to have and the decisions we waited too long to make. There comes a time in your life when you realize who matters, who doesn't, who never did and who always will. So.... how does this resonate? In my "previous" (before I was the unwilling OW) life I've always thought of myself as a risk taker up to a point so the first part of it seems to fit more then than now. Now that I'm trying to live an authentic honorable life the 2nd part is what I will strive for, but the difference is that I have a lot more caution now and will not take unnecessary risks about who I allow in my life.
pureinheart Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 My response is in general, although does apply to the OP. When my grandmother died I was 21, I told my uncle that I should have visited her more. He told me something that has stayed with me to this day. His opinion was that regrets are, to him, a waste of time, that it would be better for me to be happy with what I did have with my grandmother. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Those that I have hurt, if it was at all possible there were prompt apologies and know that it is important to forgive myself immediately. For those that have hurt me, of which 1 out of every 20 have made direct apologies to, I forgive asap. Relationships that didn't happen weren't supposed to, and the ones that survived were. Concerning the quote...the first sentence doesn't apply to me because I did what I felt was best at the time, and things went down the way they went down. Second sentence...oh ya, I think everyone should have this realisation. There are a lot of conartists out there looking for a free ride, playing emotional games...you guys know the drill. We will all make mistakes, really big ones at times. People will make really big mistakes that concern us...it happens all of the time. I tend to feel very humbled and wonder why some of the things that got me down, held me back, to be very small in comparison to someone who has really gone through tragedy...my stuff is very small at this point...not minimizing, although very small.
Spark1111 Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I may be unusual, but I cannot think of anything I did or did not do that I today regret much at all. I may not have always had a choice in the curveballs life threw at me, but I learned fairly young that the only thing I had control over was how I handled those curve balls. Having a strong self-concept didn't hurt either, so I feel I have led my life with integrity to the person I have always perceived myself to be: honest, happy and brave. Interesting to me that you started this thread today. In the aftermath of the affair, I demanded to know if he had any regrets in marrying me since he had the affair and I never, ever thought of having one. He said no, but I didn't believe him. I think somewhere in the back of his brain he thought he had married too young (24) or had not experienced, ahem....enough partners. Certainly his adolescent mid-life crises drove this home to me. I had been away at college and had never felt I did not date enough other people. Yet interesting to note, he pursued me with all he had to marry him. I was ambivalent about it. Yet, he grew to feel I was too good for him. At least, that's what he said when he grew depressed and crashed into her. So, as so many other BS's who look back and wrack their brains wondering if they had married the wrong person, I can honestly answer no. I try to envision the person I would be today if I had not married him and made a life with him and bore his children. And despite the affair, I know with every bone in my body, I would not be the woman I am today; that the marriage to my man and raising a family stabilized me in ways I could not even envision. It forced me to become a better person. I come from a long line of very smart, very eccentric (some would say crazy;)) and very creative people. I think I would be on my third or fourth husband, have one child only to experience motherhood, probably have a full-blown drinking problem (:mad:Yep, also in the family) and maybe would have had a shot at literary acclaim. But it would be no where as rich and warm and fulfilling as it is today. So, no regrets. No regrets at all.
waytogo Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I think most will interpret this from a perspective they relate to. It doesn't have to be an A situation at all. It could be a person that gave up time with family for prestigeous aquaintences that didn't last through life. It could be a person who left behind a true friend for friends with a cooler car, or whatever shined. It could be someone who spent to much time trying to impress the business world that could change on a dime rather than really getting to know their children. I don't assume A regrets from this quote at all. Even if it was, could the person mean regretting not taking the chance to open up to the BS more instead of doing what felt easier in the moment? This could mean many different things to many different people.
Author silktricks Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 My response is in general, although does apply to the OP. When my grandmother died I was 21, I told my uncle that I should have visited her more. He told me something that has stayed with me to this day. His opinion was that regrets are, to him, a waste of time, that it would be better for me to be happy with what I did have with my grandmother. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Those that I have hurt, if it was at all possible there were prompt apologies and know that it is important to forgive myself immediately. For those that have hurt me, of which 1 out of every 20 have made direct apologies to, I forgive asap. Relationships that didn't happen weren't supposed to, and the ones that survived were. Concerning the quote...the first sentence doesn't apply to me because I did what I felt was best at the time, and things went down the way they went down. Second sentence...oh ya, I think everyone should have this realisation. There are a lot of conartists out there looking for a free ride, playing emotional games...you guys know the drill. We will all make mistakes, really big ones at times. People will make really big mistakes that concern us...it happens all of the time. I tend to feel very humbled and wonder why some of the things that got me down, held me back, to be very small in comparison to someone who has really gone through tragedy...my stuff is very small at this point...not minimizing, although very small. Great post, Pure.
Author silktricks Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 I think most will interpret this from a perspective they relate to. It doesn't have to be an A situation at all. It could be a person that gave up time with family for prestigeous aquaintences that didn't last through life. It could be a person who left behind a true friend for friends with a cooler car, or whatever shined. It could be someone who spent to much time trying to impress the business world that could change on a dime rather than really getting to know their children. I don't assume A regrets from this quote at all. Even if it was, could the person mean regretting not taking the chance to open up to the BS more instead of doing what felt easier in the moment? This could mean many different things to many different people. The line about "relationships too scared to have" just screamed an affair to me - but you have a really valid point. There are a lot of people who simply can't have ANY relationship because they are too afraid to commit, and later in life look back and realize the joy they could have missed because of it.
Author silktricks Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 By the way, does anyone know the origin of the quote, 'cuz I couldn't find it, but there were a lot of references to it.
waytogo Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 The line about "relationships too scared to have" just screamed an affair to me - but you have a really valid point. There are a lot of people who simply can't have ANY relationship because they are too afraid to commit, and later in life look back and realize the joy they could have missed because of it. I agree silk. This is a very old quote. Despite having once been an OW, I never related it to that. I don't know the origin of the quote; but assume it was someone doing some serious soul-searching:)
half_ofa_heart Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I have this debate with myself almost daily... I regret the day I met my MM but then again, had I never met him, I would have lived life never having felt this kind of love. I remember a quote from a movie I saw and I am reminded of it a lot lately "I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." So, do I regret having the affair??? Every Single Day! Do I regret meeting him? NEVER! I couldn't have one without the other so I guess I have no regrets.
crazycatlady Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I have to say I rarely regret things I've done, but I regret things I didn't do. But only in passing. Because I'm so happy where I am now, even with all the crap that came along before it that I can't regret anything. Because I wouldn't want to change it. What if the thing i want to change is the key to my happiness now? I don't know. So I don't regret long term. I do however try and live for the day. And stop putting off the things I really want. Which is why I got my first tattoo a year and some months ago. Its why I went on the cruise with my sisters. Its when I try and make love with my husband as often as we can. Because life isn't a guarantee. And its meant to be lived. And really, I think that's more what the quote is about, and not affairs. Life is meant to be lived. So live it.
Breezy Trousers Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 No regrets, ever, about anything. Everything has been necessary.
Silly_Girl Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I regret picking the wrong profession. Daily. But when I embarked on this career I had no idea how much love and passion I'd have for another field. I couldn't have known because I didn't study it 'til later. So it was the right decision at the time, based on what I knew, and has served me well.
OWoman Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 I'm not someone who does regret - like Pure, I believe that every decision we make at the time is the best we could have made at that time, based on the information we had. I would rather make the decision the right one, than regret the option I didn't take. But, if I had to erase something from my life and redo it another way - I would not have gotten M (to my 1st H) and would not have had kids. Those are not roles I ever wanted, and I think my life would have been more authentic without those - if back then I'd have had the courage to stand up against all the norms and expectations and be true to myself. I learned the lesson: I no longer seek the cosy comfort of conformity or the easy option of fitting in; I'm true to my core values and live life as authentically as I can now, but it would be more satisfying to know that it was ever thus.
Snowflower Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 While browsing the Internet this weekend, I came across the following quotation: In the end we only regret chances we didn’t take, the relationships we were scared to have and the decisions we waited too long to make. There comes a time in your life when you realize who matters, who doesn't, who never did and who always will. This doesn't fit for me, as the only real regrets I have in life are certainly not about chances not taken, but rather about chances I took and in the process hurt someone dear to me. The second sentence, I think holds merit, there does come a time when you do realize who doesn't matter (and never did) and who does matter (and probably always will). But the second sentence and the first are for me in complete opposition to each other. When I read this I thought to myself "an OW or OM whose MP didn't leave the marriage wrote this" then I realized that I was making assumptions that possibly have no validity, which is why I am posting this here. So.... how does this resonate? Please, I'm not attempting to start a flame war. I'm really interested in how different people view the quotation. Okay TBH, when I first read this quote in the OP, I immediately thought of a quote that the OW sent my H early on after d-day...it had a similar sentiment. Yech! :sick: I view the quote as rather limiting, IMO...why is it only the relationships that you (general you) didn't have the only regret mentioned? There could be 100 other regrets you might have in life...the choice not to finish college, making the wrong career choice, not taking advantage of an opportunity that would have been good for you professionally, financially, etc. I made the same assumption about the quote as SK.
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