MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 I posted a thread yesterday and no one replied..so here I am still unsure of what to do. SUmmary: ex and I living together 1 1/2 yrs he left me saying i was too controlling, demanding, possessive, and didnt let him be himself or have time/space. All this is true. I made alot of mistakes and I thought that as long as I was in control he wouldn't leave me as my previous ex did (so I came in to the rel. with baggage) and I took my stress out on my ex. Not fair to him. Now to be honest he wasn't perfect either. He had a history of loving attention from women, has mostly female friends, and has been intimate with a lot of women. Two months after break up we still lived together and I spent that entire time begging him, crying, and letting him know all the changes I know I need to make and etc. Not once did he mention any of the changes he needed to make. He left me anyway. Two weeks later I asked him to come home-he said he doesnt know what to say. two weeks passed. Last week he emailed me and said he "selfishly" wants and wishes we could still be in contact. And for me to email him if I want to. Now here i am: If i do open a line of communication with him woudl that show him that I have changed and that I can be okay with not getting what i want when i want...and this oculd potentially lead to us talking, then hanging out, maybe dating, then getting back together in a healthy way OR if i talk to him does this just open me up for more pain and rejection b/c he may just want to remain friends and not want anything else from me and then i am left hearing baout how happy he is and how life is great all the while i'm still in love with him WHat do i do? If i don't reply i don't know when or if he would even contact me again-i mean why would he? he already said he is doing what I asked an dleaving me alone..and he already asked me to contact him when i am ready. it doesn't seem like he's going to regret the breka up cause he sees it as him basically standing up for himself against a controlling witch...so what can i do? what should i do? I think i deserve a second chance but he doesn't believe that i can take it slow. he said he's way to scared of us both getting hurt agian and i see why he's saying that...but i still think i am worth a sceond chance. he said he thinks i would want a full on rel. again and that i wont be okay with starting from scratch. I asked him to start over with me agian just us-not dating other women. and he said he cant cause then i will demand to know when/where he is and etc and he doesnt want that
sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Yeah...I think you're right n your last assumption that this is to be considered a break w/out outside dating. I mean, both of you were wrong. However, the ball is now in his court and it seems like you're changing ur whole personality (granted it was formed after a previous b/u as protection) but this is his whole r/s history of u. He probably assumes (n statistics show) that once you two r comfortable again, you will revert back to old habits. Still, communicate that you know that you probably need space to think about what has failed, but you can't tolerate another party being involved (no dating) and this ISN'T controlling..r trying to..but will eat you up like a cancer b/c you value your bodies and there's so many things that can come from intimate r/s with others..most importantly as distraction from thinking how you two can be together. This is not pressure, but how u feel, then show that by not checking up on him at all during a specified period of NC. Even if he cheats..you won't know it n he'll feel either overly guilty or or if he did/didnt...just like a breath of fresh air that you can go so long w/o trying to run the show. The only way through this is giving space....
rayne05us Posted May 31, 2011 Posted May 31, 2011 Question: How do you think it will be different this time? How have you changed? If you do decide to talk to him, don't put any expectations on it other than just to have a conversation...the whole, we'll talk, then date, then get back together thing is stretching it too far...and if you do have expectations riding on it, you're not ready to talk to him.
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 Question: How do you think it will be different this time? How have you changed? If you do decide to talk to him, don't put any expectations on it other than just to have a conversation...the whole, we'll talk, then date, then get back together thing is stretching it too far...and if you do have expectations riding on it, you're not ready to talk to him. I agree I am not ready as of right now so thats why i havent done anything. I want him to have a chance to miss me and honestly it doesnt feel like he does. I want a fair shot at our rel. and I don't know if its nuts for me to expect that. What will be different this time? Time...we will take it very slowly. We jumped into a full on relationship the first time around and this time we can start slow. Thing is-we already know eachother-so what do we talk about? Work, etc? I don't want to hear about his awesome weekend without me...and I most certainly don't want to hear about him dating etc I don't know how this can even work. Cause I don't know what his intentions are. I have changed in that I was at first very dichotomous (my way or nothing) and now I am willing to do things right. at a normal pace. I won't need to rule his life and I will give space and etc. But I also don't want to be his friend thats in love with him and get nothing in return. I also don't want to be one of the girls he's dating. He wouldn't sleep with me while he's sleeping with other women. I know that for a fact. SO I also don't want to be the girl he hangs out with and then later he hooks up with someone.
rayne05us Posted June 1, 2011 Posted June 1, 2011 Well yes it sounds like you should definitelt take some more time for you. Also, I know it's hard, but have tried dating other people? Maybe you should try to that so you're positive he's the right guy for you.
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 Well yes it sounds like you should definitelt take some more time for you. Also, I know it's hard, but have tried dating other people? Maybe you should try to that so you're positive he's the right guy for you. I have tried to date other men and I realized that I am 100% not ready or interested in other men
Kodo Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I have tried to date other men and I realized that I am 100% not ready or interested in other men At least you've tried. Have you tried more 'friendly' dates? Perhaps going to movies or out for drinks with someone of the opposite sex who you are not "interested" in but perhaps find attractive? That mind sound contradictive but it helps your self-esteem to know you can socialise with people you admire or find attractive and then you're not bothered with the goal of trying to impress them or develope a more intimate relationship.
buzz1130 Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 I'm in no position to give advice being I have my own situation but I think you should give him space..meaning not to reply until you've truly found that problem within yourself and corrected it..I dated a girl that was controlling,with insecurities due to previous relationships and I basically did the same thing your ex bf did..I gave her time to herself WITH NO CONTACT (she contacted me about 2 months later) to correct those problems and she did for a brief period of time before she went right back to doing the same thing,ultimately causing me to just break everything off and move on..so I warn you if you aret truly content with your changes don't reply until you are otherwise your relationship is just going to become toxic
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 I'm in no position to give advice being I have my own situation but I think you should give him space..meaning not to reply until you've truly found that problem within yourself and corrected it..I dated a girl that was controlling,with insecurities due to previous relationships and I basically did the same thing your ex bf did..I gave her time to herself WITH NO CONTACT (she contacted me about 2 months later) to correct those problems and she did for a brief period of time before she went right back to doing the same thing,ultimately causing me to just break everything off and move on..so I warn you if you aret truly content with your changes don't reply until you are otherwise your relationship is just going to become toxic Okay thank you
Recommended Posts