When is a joke no longer a joke?

[EyeAlone]

Let me provide some background info: In my last relationship, I was with a very insecure, controlling guy. There were many times when he would call my phone and I would miss his call because I was busy, at school, working, etc. Afterwards he would always ask me if I was "with my other boyfriends." This happened many, many times and he would always insist that he was joking. Then he would take it to different levels. He would ask me if I liked so-and-so's outfit or if I liked an actor or something like that. I'd get stuck in a corner because if I said yes to any of his questions he would go off and say something like "But my hair isn't as nice as that guy's. Why don't you go date him?" I told him that this really bothered me that he made such statements but he insisted he was only joking. He also would always insist on knowing who I was hanging out with and if a guy was someone that I was hanging out with, my ex boyfriend would start acting passive-aggressive.

 

Anyway, I'm with another guy now and he's been doing the same things that my ex boyfriend started with. For example, my phone was off yesterday because I ran out of battery power and he sent a text message saying that he had tried to call me but since my phone was off, I must have been with a secret boyfriend. He's said something similar many times in the past. Recently, he's been inquiring more about who I'm hanging out with. When he tells me that he's hanging out with some friends, I never ask who it is because I don't really mind. But the first thing he always asks recently is "Who is it?"

 

Maybe I'm jumping the gun here. My current boyfriend doesn't seem like the insecure type. We joke around a lot with each other. However, this "other secret boyfriend" stuff is a recurrent theme. It was a big red flag in my past relationship and if it's going to be one in my current relationship, I don't want to miss it.

 

Any thoughts?

[northstarr]

I would say don't ignore your red flags. Don't ignore that little kick you feel in your gut when certain things happen in a relationship. Maybe the way you think or carry yourself is attracting a certain type of guy. Humans are animals and can sense someone that can complement or fulfill their agenda. Ex. A needy guy can sense a motherly, controlling woman, an insecure, arrogant man can sense a people pleaser woman, etc. etc. When they find someone who can make them feel "complete", they then move in for the kill. The bottom line is, what vibes are you giving out that attracts these men? How can you make adjustments and improvements in yourself to attract the right man for you? Take the time to write down what you want, ex. open-minded man- and settle for nothing else. That firm frame of mind will be picked up by the appropriate mate. Hope that helps.

[Trimmer]

It's not a joke if you don't take it as a joke. And if he doesn't get that, then he lacks the empathy to "get" that you aren't taking it well.

 

On the other hand, if you are laughing it off and pretending that you are OK with it, to avoid making a "deal" out of it, you owe it to him (and to yourself, really...) to let him know clearly that it makes you uncomfortable. Then, once you are sure he knows how you are feeling, you will be able to gauge his reaction, and then you will know whether it is the same red flag as your previous boyfriend or not.

[JungleLover]

It's a red flag.

[EyeAlone]

On the other hand, if you are laughing it off and pretending that you are OK with it, to avoid making a "deal" out of it

Yes!! That's exactly what I've been doing! My close friends and family keep reminding me that my current boyfriend is not my ex boyfriend so it's not fair for me to color him with the same crayon, so to speak, so I've been trying to laugh it off. He loves to joke around but there have been a few times where I said or did something that struck a nerve with him and he did openly and directly tell me that it made him concerned. I would hope that if this is the same case with the "other boyfriends" that he would be as forthcoming as before. He always tells me that he will be direct with me when he has a problem. But maybe this is something really deep? I mean, when you start voicing insecurities like that, there's no turning back.

 

Also, when I was with my ex boyfriend, I told some of my friends what was going on. They told me that when guys start joking around a lot like that, it means that the guy is thinking about wanting another girlfriend and it's their way of being passive-aggressive about it. I thought that was a load of BS at the time, but surprise surprise! My ex boyfriend ultimately left because he wanted another girl. Currently, I'm semi-concerned that there might be another girl in my boyfriend's eyes. The fact that the same stuff is happening in my current relationship makes me sick to my stomach that I'm walking down the same path....

[Andy_K]

Sounds a bit insecure or jealous if he's bringing it up that often. Next time he does it, joke back that you were busy having wild sex with your secret boyfriend, who incidentally, has a much bigger penis than him.

 

If he laughs or jokes back he's probably pretty secure in himself and you can forget about it. Any other reaction and alarm bells should be ringing.

[Kamille]

The first step would be to stop laughing it off and telling your current boyfriend his jokes are raising concerns for you.

 

Now, I think the main concern I would have (and have had) were my partner to express jealousy would be the following: "Why is he feeling insecure and what can I do to reassure him?" I don't mean staying shackled to your phone. What I mean is making sure I plan out activities that let's bf know without a doubt that he's my priority.

[EyeAlone]

Sounds a bit insecure or jealous if he's bringing it up that often. Next time he does it, joke back that you were busy having wild sex with your secret boyfriend, who incidentally, has a much bigger penis than him.

 

If he laughs or jokes back he's probably pretty secure in himself and you can forget about it. Any other reaction and alarm bells should be ringing.

Actually, I already do this. He jokes back, but my ex boyfriend did the same thing. What you're saying makes sense but my ex screwed that up. I've noticed that my current boyfriend uses humor when he's worried or trying to protect himself. It's hard to explain. He likes to joke around often but I've also seen him using humor in negative situations, almost like a defense mechanism.

 

The first step would be to stop laughing it off and telling your current boyfriend his jokes are raising concerns for you.

 

Now, I think the main concern I would have (and have had) were my partner to express jealousy would be the following: "Why is he feeling insecure and what can I do to reassure him?" I don't mean staying shackled to your phone. What I mean is making sure I plan out activities that let's bf know without a doubt that he's my priority.

I agree with you Kamille. I'm very conscientious about the image I project of myself, but I don't know what I can be doing differently. If I miss his phone call, I always return the call promptly. The same can be said regarding my text messaging behavior. I never play any "I'm going to wait an hour so it looks like a have a life" games. When I call him back, I always let him know what I was doing and my reasoning for missing his call. There are never any unexplained absences on my part.

 

Part of the reason as to why I'm so conscientious about this is because I do have a few guy friends in my close ring of friends. Some of them are homosexual but there are two guys that are straight. My boyfriend has met one of them but he hasn't met the other. If my boyfriend is as insecure as my ex, I don't want him getting any ideas that I'm screwing with these guys. But if he is getting those ideas, I find it to be unfair because he has lots of platonic female friends, and I don't raise a stink about them vocally.

 

Is there anything I can be doing differently?

[thatone]

tell him what you're telling us?

[Kamille]

 

Part of the reason as to why I'm so conscientious about this is because I do have a few guy friends in my close ring of friends. Some of them are homosexual but there are two guys that are straight. My boyfriend has met one of them but he hasn't met the other. If my boyfriend is as insecure as my ex, I don't want him getting any ideas that I'm screwing with these guys. But if he is getting those ideas, I find it to be unfair because he has lots of platonic female friends, and I don't raise a stink about them vocally.

 

Is there anything I can be doing differently?

 

In my experience, jealousy can be prompted by things that have nothing to do with other men or having explanations for missing calls. What usually prompts it are unmet relationship needs.

 

An ex of mine ended up feeling insecure because I was always preoccupied with work when I was with him, and no longer as attentive as I used to be (or as much in the moment). Basically, some of his basic emotional needs weren't being met, and that eventually was expressed as jealousy.

 

So really, only your bf can truly tell you what he needs.

 

How about this: instead of tackling the jealousy issue (or non-issue), have a conversation about things you could each do to make an already good relationship better? Again, the goal is to remind him that what you and he have is special.

[EyeAlone]

tell him what you're telling us?

Yeah, I can but I want to make sure that this is a potential legitimate issue. I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill and as I said in my previous post, I don't want to start scrutinizing him because of my ex. In all honesty, this probably wouldn't even be a concern for me if I hadn't dated my previous boyfriend.

 

In my experience, jealousy can be prompted by things that have nothing to do with other men or having explanations for missing calls. What usually prompts it are unmet relationship needs.

 

An ex of mine ended up feeling insecure because I was always preoccupied with work when I was with him, and no longer as attentive as I used to be (or as much in the moment). Basically, some of his basic emotional needs weren't being met, and that eventually was expressed as jealousy.

 

So really, only your bf can truly tell you what he needs.

 

How about this: instead of tackling the jealousy issue (or non-issue), have a conversation about things you could each do to make an already good relationship better? Again, the goal is to remind him that what you and he have is special.

Hmm, that's a good idea. If anything, I am more involved and attentive in the relationship than I was in the beginning. But maybe his needs have changed over time?

 

Ooooh, I just thought of something. I'm not sure if this is significant or not but I want to put this out here just in case. Earlier this year, he made some off-hand remarks that he felt like he was boring. A couple of months ago, he mentioned that he felt like he was "half-assing the relationship." I asked him what he meant by that statement and he says that he feels bad that he's so busy and doesn't have as much time for activities and other sorts of things that he usually does in a relationship. He says that he usually is more doting, has more free time to go out on dates, make gifts, etc. I did my best to tell him that I understand that he's busy and that I don't feel like I'm missing out. My basic relationship needs are met and I know he's doing the best he can with his time constraints so I'm happy.

 

Could this be a potential source of insecurity that's still unresolved? If it is, is there anything else specifically I can say or do? I have to admit that I'm not good at comforting people and it honestly came to me as a shock when he said that so I was really unprepared as to what to say to that remark.

[EyeAlone]

or you make the men you date feel insecure.

Hmm, this is interesting. What sort of things would I be doing or not doing in order to make guys I date feel insecure?

 

When he's extremely busy with school and work, I'll make him a care package of dinner, snacks, and dessert. When he comes over to my place, I always have food I baked especially for him (we're both foodies). I also petsit for him when he's out of town for work. I create little handmade gifts for him. We have about 50:50 initiation of contact and date ratio. When we hang out, he has my full attention. I put away my phone and won't text or call my friends when we're together. We have sex on a regular basis and I don't shy away from physical touch. He jokes around a lot and I let him know that he's genuinely funny. I've had some rough personal days recently and he's always the first person I turn to for comfort and advice.

 

I don't flirt with other guys. As I stated before, I don't have any unexplained absences.

 

I don't want to come across as arrogant because I know I'm far from being a perfect girlfriend, but if a guy were doing all of those things I listed up there, I'd feel appreciated and secure in the relationship. Am I missing something obvious? Please please please let me know if I'm forgetting to do something vital that could contribute to insecurity.

[Kamille]

 

Ooooh, I just thought of something. I'm not sure if this is significant or not but I want to put this out here just in case. Earlier this year, he made some off-hand remarks that he felt like he was boring. A couple of months ago, he mentioned that he felt like he was "half-assing the relationship." I asked him what he meant by that statement and he says that he feels bad that he's so busy and doesn't have as much time for activities and other sorts of things that he usually does in a relationship. He says that he usually is more doting, has more free time to go out on dates, make gifts, etc. I did my best to tell him that I understand that he's busy and that I don't feel like I'm missing out. My basic relationship needs are met and I know he's doing the best he can with his time constraints so I'm happy.

 

Could this be a potential source of insecurity that's still unresolved? If it is, is there anything else specifically I can say or do? I have to admit that I'm not good at comforting people and it honestly came to me as a shock when he said that so I was really unprepared as to what to say to that remark.

 

Yes, feeling boring and like one is half-assing a relationship can certainly be a source of anxiety.

 

After what you wrote about what you do and how understanding you are, I wonder if the main issue is that he would like it if you put your foot down sometime and demanded he make more time for you. I've been with guys who felt they were "half-assing" it and it usually meant they felt they were getting away with underestimating me.

 

When you two do have time: does he make an effort to wow you?

 

Also, if there is an imbalance in support (with you doing most of the understanding and supporting), maybe he wonders if you really need him? Do you turn to him for support?

[EyeAlone]

Yes, feeling boring and like one is half-assing a relationship can certainly be a source of anxiety.

 

After what you wrote about what you do and how understanding you are, I wonder if the main issue is that he would like it if you put your foot down sometime and demanded he make more time for you. I've been with guys who felt they were "half-assing" it and it usually meant they felt they were getting away with underestimating me.

 

When you two do have time: does he make an effort to wow you?

 

Also, if there is an imbalance in support (with you doing most of the understanding and supporting), maybe he wonders if you really need him? Do you turn to him for support?

If you have time, could you elaborate a little more on what you said about getting away with underestimating you? My boyfriend once remarked that he has to remind himself to not take me for granted because there are a lot of crazy girls out there and ones that wouldn't be as patient with him as he's so busy with school. Maybe this ties into what you were saying about underestimating the other person.

 

When we're together, he certainly does make an effort to impress me and I try to tell him that I really appreciate it. For instance, he's cooking a huge lunch for us tomorrow and I'm making a big deal of how excited I am that he's going to cook for us and how I'm looking forward to trying the food that he made from scratch. But on other days when he comes over, it's not like he's just sitting in the couch and I'm waiting on him hand and foot. I guess I'm the one that ends up doing a lot of the little things as I mentioned before.

 

When I do need support and comforting, he's always the first one I turn to. A couple of months ago, I had one of the most sh*ttiest days in the past year or so. I really needed some comfort and just someone I could cry to. I called him and he dropped everything and spent the evening letting me cry on his shoulder. But I also go to him for support and advice for mundane things like help with some of my hobbies.

 

How would you recommend that asked for more time with him but not sound overbearing? I also don't want to ask for more time with him and have him feel even more guilty if he can't give me such time.

 

Thanks, by the way, for your advice!